So there come times when I wish I could focus my mind to pray, to sacrifice, to give up my desires, to live for God, to feel better, to make an effort to be more aware and not be so attached to certain motions. But I end up not doing this because I feel miserable, because I am not motivated, because I am weak and lazy. Like when you want to do the right thing but you give in to temptation; and this is how it unfolds.
The concept, if seen from the outside is ridiculous though: how I don’t want to feel better because I am too busy feeling miserable, and the only reason I do not search for strength is because I am weak.
As anyone can see the proper way of seeing this would be to let the weakness be the motivation to search for strength, to let your misery be the motivation to search for comfort. It is so obvious here, but from a practical standpoint it would mean that when you feel like you want to waste your time, when temptation calls, you would kneel down and pray for strength, not succumb to weakness.
The reason we do this though is because we are only focused in subsiding that chemical imbalance that makes us feel itchy, instead of seeking to live through it. Practically, we do not want to be strong, we don’t want to be happy either, we just want to stay weak and ignore it. We do not want to live, we want to stay numb.
Wow. Now, even if I have fallen into temptation, by the mere guilt of doing so, even if you feel comfortable, I know I have to ask God for strength to move beyond my blessings, to not depend on these [], and to stand seeing, in clear light, the horrors of the my world. The guilt of falling into temptation tells you clearly: you should not depend on these, just because you got what you wanted oes not mean you are not weak anymore.
In the past I have been concerned about ignorant bliss, I did not want to be satisfied because I did not want to be one of those people that live happy lives and just ignore the potential pain of life on earth.
But this doubt and scenario are exactly what I needed the strength for, this is the potential pain I have not come to terms with, I must be able to live in a world where I am ignorant. If I try to live without understanding this; yes, even if I succeed to live in a world where I am not ignorant of potential pain, there would be one potential pain that I had to ignore to be able to be happy, and that is the possibility of living in a world where I am ignorant.
Simply put: I have to accept my ignorance in order to not be ignorant.
When do you know you should be asking for strength?
When you feel like you need anything.
As a child of God, you should never have this feeling.
This is what I learned today, pain itself should be the motivation to accept it, not to subside it.
And if you ask yourself: “well, then how do I do this?”
Well, first you stop asking that.
Or what I mean to say is, if you want to know how to accept not seeking to accept, then you have clearly missed the point.
When you feel weak, then when you pray, do not ask for anything, not even strength, or the Holy Spirit. Your asking for it only keeps meaning that you yet do not have it. Instead, just know that there is what you have.
When a problem comes to your head, it is not something that you need to take care of, it is something you need to accept.
And your to do list is actually a have list.
Any desire that you have, you know its mundane, because you cannot be dissatisfied about the eternal, because it is always here.
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