June 29, 2011

Acceptance

Intensifying

Idealizing

Detachment

June 28, 2011

It is 3:30 a.m. and I just finished playing video games.  I went to go pee thinking nothing good could ever come out of me wasting my time like this.  But as I was entering the bathroom, I “felt” the place; it was weird, the lighting the room the walls.  It did not feel at all the way it usually feels after I play video games for long periods of time: Me trapped in my head with after-images playing and replaying and my thoughts composed of nothing but sound effects of the video game (no, I hate it when that happens).  But it felt like quite the opposite actually.  I felt like I was “actually here”, which is weird because even though I am always here, I don’t usually feel it (that said I guess it is because I never bother to feel it).  And now as I look around feeling my environment I realize: my house is a mess, hahah.  And this computer technology thing I am typing on is pretty damn crazy.

As I turn off the light to go to sleep, I feel how insecure I am about hitting my shin on the table, and I feel how the darkness engulfs me so I feel insecure about anything that may be around me, and it is freaking scary.  Wow, everything feels a lot more real and thus I feel it a lot more intensely.

Hahah, there is a bug on the globe, and I do not feel it as a “nuisance” labeled object as I usually do, which is why I usually just swat them away without curiosity.  No, now I am actually feeling it as if it was a complete and separate creature, kind of like me, but smaller.  It feels more whole, it kind of feels like it’s my buddy, and it’s just doing it’s own thing… on my arm, haha.  This is crazy.. I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep.

                Wupwup, broken record in my head, playing the beginning of the intro music to the video game.   Oh well, let see, I think I can make the other feeling come back…

I wake up, my mind is all over the place with video game images and cell phone sounds and different versions of that “light a candle” songs.  I try to quiet it by listen to the “woosh” of the fan.  But it’s not good enough the thoughts still manage to seep in and invade my mind again.  So I look for those magical words that have taught me to listen without pushing and insisting a desire, what is it?  “Do not seek, feel”? “By not seeking you will feel”? no, umm, what is it? Then I remember, “Do not seek.  Do not even seek ‘not seeking’, just calm down”.  So I listen, and I actually find the inspiration of all these stray thoughts, the generator of all these sounds that keep playing in my mind: I feel the fatigue in my joints, the pulling feeling under my belly, the sinking feeling between my ears with the balloon feeling in the inside of my forehead, and I hear the electric hum of the fan.  The stray thoughts that invaded my mind, were hidden inside of these; it is how I “listened” to these, it is like I was not listening to them, but my mind still heard them so it just processed them as thoughts: just like when your friend gives you an idea, but because you never listen to what he says, you think (and it certainly feels like) you came up with the idea (such an annoying concept by the way, “that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you”, “no you didn’t when did you tell me that?”).  Hmm, could it be that the only reason why you would ever “get an idea (a lightbulb) out of ‘nowhere’” is because you are not listening to the source?  Could it be that the thoughts that you get are actually messages from the half-conscious impressions from your environment?  And it is how you communicate with animals and with nature?

The only reason you insist on telling me, is because you yourself do not believe it.

June 27, 2011

Throughout the day I feel miserable, tired, unmotivated, my limbs are heavy, my eyes are tired… etc.  And so I try to apply what wrote about yesterday: After a while of wallowing up in my confusion and after a while of forgetting and remembering what I wanted to do, I finally managed to get myself in the shower.  I thought about how the only reason why I allowed myself t get in the shower was because I did not feel like it was necessary.

After I got out of the shower I laid down and focused.

Instead of wanting to get rid of the feeling I try to open my mind and re-interpret my sensations.

What I felt happen in my mind was simply this, I just thought about how each sensation I had, whether “good” or “bad” was awesome.

I still sneezed, I still felt sick, and I still fell asleep; but I felt less miserable.

I think the essence of pain is this contradiction one has with himself, he denies; and, as I have said before, to admit the sensations and their right to exist and to accept them, no matter what the sensation is, it will not be painful anymore.

By this logic, all you have to do is think it is awesome, and in this way get rid of the denial.  It works this simply, you just straighten things out like this.

This is how I can now come to understand the acceptance aspect of “positive” meditation; I was concerned that thinking that things were good just meant that I was denying the negative; and since I did not want to deny, I kept on dwelling in my pain (denying the bad stuff… yea, this negative energy stuff is incogitable; but how else can this contradiction stuff exist within one, how can people be in “pain”?).  Anyways, so I did not want to accept the good, because I thought it would mean I am denying the bad, and I did not want to deny; but as I attempted to deny denying the bad, not only was I just denying to accept the good, but I was clearly denying to deny the bad… if I was truly accepting, I would accept everything, including the denial of the bad.

Once you give pain the right to exist, it will not be pain anymore.

…

Right now I am just trying to think of how this method fits in with everything else… So far it seems okay, I still feel like I am missing something though.

It is not a battle between good and evil, good is just to try to end the battle, and let both live harmoniously… per se.

Reflecting back on it… I notice now that I spend my time asking how I can rid of the pain, and this is where my thoughts are spent.  But instead of this, I shall simply shift my mentality from, “how do I end this” to “this is awesome”.

Keep in mind that as I do this, I am not trying to fool myself; it is not about denying my failure and pretending I am awesome… something I am not.  It is about accepting how ridiculous I am and even accepting my failure of doing this correctly, and maybe even accepting the fact that I may come to be in denial due to the process.  If I do happen to fool myself, it is about saying “so be it”.

This feeling of misery I get everyday may very well be a medical condition, I keep hearing it addressed as iron deficiency.  It’s like I feel weaker and weaker each day.  I do not just want to go to the doctor though because I believe I could take care of it on my own just by focusing.  I just hope I don’t die before I figure something out.

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Inevitable Heartbreak… so a couple of days ago I was thinking about how I need to give up my desires eventually in my search.  Then I thought, I do not want to give up my desires yet, not until I am able to indulge in them.  So I imagine, one of the concerns that I have had for a really long time, that I feel that I need to give up, but cannot even bring myself to think about giving it up: marriage, finding my perfect match and living happily ever after.  Should I give it up now?  Can’t I give it up AFTER I find the right person, go through the whole process and am done with it?

                But then I realize that it is not that I would be giving up the motion, but what is necessary is that I would face that heartbreak that I am dying to avoid.  Whether it happens before or after the motion, the important thing is to face what I keep avoiding.  Scenario this:  Even if I find my perfect match, and even after an eternity of happily-ever-afterness (let’s say, it has been so long that I don’t even remember ever being alone… it is that perfect).  Eventually I would have to face the heartbreak of leaving my bliss; and I could keep saying “later”, or “just one more day before I leave you”, and I could just keep saying “can’t it wait a little longer”, but no matter how much I post-pone it, it will continue to be there, eternally, and it will bother me until I face it.  To not face it, to keep giving into temptation, to keep post-poning my heartbreak only means that I will always live in my current situation, with death breathing down my neck, on a defiled earth, as a fallen being; to keep post-poning it only means that I will not reach perfection, that I have not given up my fear.  It does not make a difference whether I face it before I find my perfect match or afterwards, the heartbreak is the same.  In fact, the fact that I keep post-poning it only says that the heartbreak is as great as it has ever been, no matter what motion I have been through. 

It is necessary though, because this “heartbreak” is the liberation from my desires, this is the only way I can truly fulfill my dreams, this is the only way I can be completely satisfied without hell continuously daunting the back of my mind.

I’m not ready to get married until I am no longer afraid of Death; and by Death I mean that which I am most afraid of.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been anxious to get married as early as I learn that pre-marital sex was a sin (which was around 13, David Ortiz had to tell me).  But the only reason why I am so anxious to get married is because I want to have sex already. ..................................................................................................................................................................

Back to the first subject:

                So as I keep attempting this accepting without denying denial; loving without hating hate… it is kind of tricky to do.  It feels like letting myself do what I do, even if it is denying, and only listen to it, without judging it, or hating it.

                From here I can see how idealizing connects with awareness.  The less I deny, the more I accept (or in other words, the more okay I see my world to be), the less I desire something else, the more I see what there already is, the more aware I am in the present.

                I can feel this, it is not making sense anymore, in fact, I feel it right now that, I do not want it to make sense.  But I can very well derive that, the only reason why it is not making sense, is only because I am afraid of it; obviously, only because I am denying it.  It is the explanation to ANYTHING that does not make sense, haha.  So here, I have given the answer to every question, and the solution to every problem: the only reason why this universe is a giant question mark is because we want it to be otherwise, so that it feels like a giant exclamation point.  Why doesn’t it?  Well, for the same reason you are asking that question.

                If you want the question to end, stop expecting an answer.

June 25, 2011

So there come times when I wish I could focus my mind to pray, to sacrifice, to give up my desires, to live for God, to feel better, to make an effort to be more aware and not be so attached to certain motions.  But I end up not doing this because I feel miserable, because I am not motivated, because I am weak and lazy.  Like when you want to do the right thing but you give in to temptation; and this is how it unfolds.

The concept, if seen from the outside is ridiculous though: how I don’t want to feel better because I am too busy feeling miserable, and the only reason I do not search for strength is because I am weak.

As anyone can see the proper way of seeing this would be to let the weakness be the motivation to search for strength, to let your misery be the motivation to search for comfort.  It is so obvious here, but from a practical standpoint it would mean that when you feel like you want to waste your time, when temptation calls, you would kneel down and pray for strength, not succumb to weakness.

The reason we do this though is because we are only focused in subsiding that chemical imbalance that makes us feel itchy, instead of seeking to live through it.  Practically, we do not want to be strong, we don’t want to be happy either, we just want to stay weak and ignore it.  We do not want to live, we want to stay numb.

Wow.  Now, even if I have fallen into temptation, by the mere guilt of doing so, even if you feel comfortable, I know I have to ask God for strength to move beyond my blessings, to not depend on these [], and to stand seeing, in clear light, the horrors of the my world.  The guilt of falling into temptation tells you clearly: you should not depend on these, just because you got what you wanted oes not mean you are not weak anymore.

In the past I have been concerned about ignorant bliss, I did not want to be satisfied because I did not want to be one of those people that live happy lives and just ignore the potential pain of life on earth.

But this doubt and scenario are exactly what I needed the strength for, this is the potential pain I have not come to terms with, I must be able to live in a world where I am ignorant.  If I try to live without understanding this; yes, even if I succeed to live in a world where I am not ignorant of potential pain, there would be one potential pain that I had to ignore to be able to be happy, and that is the possibility of living in a world where I am ignorant.

Simply put: I have to accept my ignorance in order to not be ignorant.

When do you know you should be asking for strength? 

When you feel like you need anything.

As a child of God, you should never have this feeling.

This is what I learned today, pain itself should be the motivation to accept it, not to subside it.

And if you ask yourself: “well, then how do I do this?”

Well, first you stop asking that.

Or what I mean to say is, if you want to know how to accept not seeking to accept, then you have clearly missed the point.

When you feel weak, then when you pray, do not ask for anything, not even strength, or the Holy Spirit.  Your asking for it only keeps meaning that you yet do not have it.  Instead, just know that there is what you have.

When a problem comes to your head, it is not something that you need to take care of, it is something you need to accept.

And your to do list is actually a have list.

Any desire that you have, you know its mundane, because you cannot be dissatisfied about the eternal, because it is always here.

June 24, 2011

The fantasy tendency,

Why is it wrong to fantasize?

Why is it bad and unreasonable to dream?

When you dream you do not do justice to the things you dream against,

You ignore your ignorance towards those “bad” dreams that come around.

When one has a problem, the solution is never to “just not think about it”.

This suggestion is only valid if you also give up thinking “happy thoughts”.

If you discriminate against certain thoughts and indulge in others,

You are deliberately fooling yourself, lying to yourself, for the sake of your peace of mind.
And what about Truth?