October 30, 2010

What time is it?  It’s not the symbols on the digital clock, it’s not the oscillator the measures imperfectly the motions of reality, unsynchronized.

            What time is it? You ask.  I will tell you, the time is… now.

            Now is indicated  by the symbols on the digital clock as much as it indicated by the towel on my bed.  Now is indicated not by some numbers we have all agreed upon, but by the position of the sun.  Now is not indicated within a day, but within eternity; indicated by the way things are:  by the objects on the table, by the position of the sun in relation to the earth, by the position of the earth, moond and by the planets within our solar system, and by the rest of the cosmos and all the energies within them that make this moment unique from the rest of eternity.  THIS is the time it is.

            It’s funny how I am saying this, how this all comes from my head; and yet, I can’t sense it.  It goes through me as if I was an undead prophet, a speaking stone.  I say it, but I myself do not know what it means, it moves me not. 

            Like looking at the sky and seeing a wall.  Not even a great blue wall, but a limit in front of my eyes, with nothing behind it, with not even a sign of curiosity.  I wish I knew what this might mean.  Whatever is behind this wall is dead to me; leaving me without a sign of curiosity, without wonder.

For a friend:

well let me give you an example

sophomore year in highschool

is when I began to hate these type of people

what happened, is that

I was wroking out

and sweating alot

and I flipped my hair back

10:24pm

and a drop of my sweat flew onto this white girl's leg

and she freaked out over it, like she had just dropped a baby or something

so thats what heppened

10:26pm

I tried to apologize and help

but she was all freaked and was crawling away from me like if I wanted to slice her

then her friend came to "rescue"

and told me to just stay away

I almost want to cry just think about what it all means to me

I just rather stay away from people that would want me to stay.  I don’t want to bother them, if they feel like it’s a burden to have me around. 

How does one get through a person’s head, when they are closed as shit, to anything you attempt?  At home I tried to figure out a way that I could approach and make up for a misunderstanding to such a person.  But my goal felt impossible;  I would be intruding, I would be disrespecting their boundaries, if I tried to hide parts of me so that such a person would see my harmless side.  I beat myself up trying to figure out this ordeal, how to solve the problem. 

In the end I decided on a conclusion so that I could stop tormenting myself with it.  I would stay away from such closed minded people that do not give the unknown a chance.  Those people that do not take risks to accept a little flaw for once, for the sake of a new discovery.  After all, those who do not want to know do not deserve to know.  And I labeled these people with the girl’s image… her behavior reflected the consumer society; too caught up on conforming to the media to realize that there is a world beyond society.  Why bother with them? If looking outside their little cell will only enrage them, just let them live in their ignorant peace.

If I see that people reject characteristic that I feel that are part of me, then I will not bother, because I feel that in the end, they would end up not only rejecting me, but regretting the time they allowed me to exist around them.  The only reason I stay away from people is because I feel that deep inside they want me to stay away from them.  It’s most heart-breaking to me, since I love to trust strangers as myself; but I hate to be burden to those I love.  In time, this fear of being a burden gets buried into auto-pilot, making it seem, even to myself, as if it was hate towards these people; but I am only trying to be considerate.  And as I have convinced myself that I hate them…

When someone “wants to get to know me”, but I see that they hate attributes that they do not yet know that are also part of me… I expose myself openly.  I try to be myself without hesitation, and try to let everyone know what I am; so that they do not accidently interact with someone they would avoid.  I “open my mouth” to let others know what I am; I don’t want to hide it from them, that would be disrespectful.  If they have a problem with it, it is better that they decide what they think is best as soon as possible.

If I feel that they are mistaken about the way they see me, I try to explain things to them; but I can only explain if they give me a chance.  If they don’t, then what is there to do? Except break a heart.

October 28, 2010

FFFOOOOOUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD it!
FUCKING FOUNDD IT!!!!!!!!

seriously,
at the time it was about to be the brink of my insanity,
back of my head hoping it was only a state of mind,
but it had been a constant one.

When I couldnt find it,
I used my mind for two things:
One was to figure out where it was,
the other was to calm myself down.
inside me there was torment,
a mixer for all that was already there.
With the parable with the lady and the coin in mind,
I made a prayer, not only to find it,
but to receive peace through the Holy Spirit.

Now I just wannna make love to it.
now I JUST WANT TO BREAK IT INTO PIECES
and admit to myself how worthless it was all along,
and tell my mind to never put me through such
shit for something so insignificant.

Thank God

Usb

October 18, 2010

Weakness, something that I wasn’t willing to attribute to them without consent.  Now it’s apparent to me that it is not me, but they themselves that think themselves as weak, which is why they feel threatened.  In such case (when they feel threatened), if anything, I should reassure them that they can be strong.

Before this I just thought them as neurotic, them think that I was a monster, and me beginning to believe myself a monster.  But the reason why I felt threatened by their formulations was the same reason; I thought myself as weak.

All I had to do was reassure myself that I was strong, that a certain action was not necessary to fulfill my dream that I was complete with the way the world is.

Why? What changed it if not its external properties? And what allowed for my focus to shift?

I think it’s because I saw their weakness not as my judgment, but as their own, but why didn’t I see it so before?

So I get the sense of where this may be going… irrelevant questions leading me through pointless intricacies.  But why do I have to go through these steps?  Why can’t I see things as they are?  Why is my brain so slow at analyzing life?  Simply put, why do I ever have questions?  Because (again) I believe that I am weak?  I don’t allow myself to  do this, I don’t it’s appropriate, possible, adequate, allowed to exist, have a right to use it, have power to control it.  I don’t believe I can, I don’t believe I have access to it.

%he prayer is believing in the “living access” believing that there is whatever I think there is, believing that I think what I am thinking.  If I want clarity… have it, confusion… why not? But its not about the desire element, it is about the unity of self and the universe (which is within the self); and the harmony between them.

But now… how? Well I guess, just do it.

The reason I must stop judging is because I believe that is what I must do.  But do I really? God what/where are you? 

II am thinking about what I want to be, (finally) what I want to do with my life.  I realize I don’t know what to choose, not any personal interpretation of the universe…

I just want to be what I am.  I just… whatever it Is.

Solution: believe that I can be whatever I want to be…

it feels like I am what I want to be, and like I want to be what I am.

And of course it makes sense come to this conclusion, from many different angles: believing that the universe is HERE and that All God is real and present; with active power and present blessing, it’s all here!

I just rather stay away from people that would want me to stay.  I don’t want to bother them, if they feel like it’s a burden to have me around. 

How does one get through a person’s head, when they are closed as shit, to anything you attempt?  At home I tried to figure out a way that I could approach and make up for a misunderstanding to such a person.  But my goal felt impossible;  I would be intruding, I would be disrespecting their boundaries, if I tried to hide parts of me so that such a person would see my harmless side.  I beat myself up trying to figure out this ordeal, how to solve the problem. 

In the end I decided on a conclusion so that I could stop tormenting myself with it.  I would stay away from such closed minded people that do not give the unknown a chance.  Those people that do not take risks to accept a little flaw for once, for the sake of a new discovery.  After all, those who do not want to know do not deserve to know.  And I labeled these people with the girl’s image… her behavior reflected the consumer society; too caught up on conforming to the media to realize that there is a world beyond society.  Why bother with them? If looking outside their little cell will only enrage them, just let them live in their ignorant peace.

If I see that people reject characteristic that I feel that are part of me, then I will not bother, because I feel that in the end, they would end up not only rejecting me, but regretting the time they allowed me to exist around them.  The only reason I stay away from people is because I feel that deep inside they want me to stay away from them.  It’s most heart-breaking to me, since I love to trust strangers as myself; but I hate to be burden to those I love.  In time, this fear of being a burden gets buried into auto-pilot, making it seem, even to myself, as if it was hate towards these people; but I am only trying to be considerate.  And as I have convinced myself that I hate them…

When someone “wants to get to know me”, but I see that they hate attributes that they do not yet know that are also part of me… I expose myself openly.  I try to be myself without hesitation, and try to let everyone know what I am; so that they do not accidently interact with someone they would avoid.  I “open my mouth” to let others know what I am; I don’t want to hide it from them, that would be disrespectful.  If they have a problem with it, it is better that they decide what they think is best as soon as possible.

If I feel that they are mistaken about the way they see me, I try to explain things to them; but I can only explain if they give me a chance.  If they don’t, then what is there to do? Except break a heart.

October 14, 2010

I do not pray for a long life, nor riches, nor for my enemies to be destroyed, I do not even pray for wisdom; I just pray for Your will to be done.

I don’t want to want; that is all I want.  I don’t want to want; so that I can Be.

This is what I appreciate from others, for them to be themselves and to not let the changes in my life bother them in any way. 

This means to do with me what you want, just don’t EVER feel forced by me to do anything.

As if I was your imaginary friend!

What I meant by: “I shouldn’t trust”

What I meant by that is not that I shouldn’t trust people because they might hurt me.

(I was telling a friend about it, and what came to her mind when I said that I did not want to trust people was that I thought they were gonna take my stuff, I can understand the confusion, so I tell you that its not what I meant).  I meant that I should not depend on others, even though they may say it is ok to do so.  I should not trust their generosity or leniency with me, or their desire to help me in any way.

Let me tell you, of how one of the aspects unfolded in my time here at Whitman:

Even before I got to Whitman, I always had the mentality to not let my desire for comfort interfere with anyone else’s (no matter the difference in degree).

Example of difference in degree, if I had not eaten in 3 days, and I finally get a muffin, but there is a kid who wants the muffin so much because he is a brat and he is crying, I would give it up.  Of course there are also details on how to live by this thoroughly.  Like if a peer wants the muffin, I tell him that I have not eaten in three days, but he thinks that his craving is more uncomfortable than his consideration for my hunger, I let him have it.  If I feel that he does not understand, but that if he did, he would let me have it, I may eat it myself… but that’s another topic.

I tried my best to not even ask my parents for any money or clothes.  I got my clothes and shoes from friends, hand me downs from brothers and my girlfriend used to buy me clothes.  I made sure that they didn’t mind, and it was stuff that would get thrown away or something.  Which explains why I always eat leftovers.

At Whitman things changed.

There have been too many times in which people ask me to be comfortable, then they end up regretting it for one reason or another (I would not mind this happening, if they admitted to the fact that they did not want me to get comfortable in the first place.  I would want them to admit it primarily to avoid me going crazy about who I can trust and not, and what signs I can trust. [Do I do what they say, or what their gestures tell me?  Sometimes a person cannot help but be in pain, but would still feel better satisfied if they helped someone.])  The situation becomes worse when the person hides the fact that he is not comfortable with me, and pretends to be okay with what I do.  Therefore, if I see ANY sign that the person is “sacrificing” any of their conscience’s comfort for me, I do what I can to stop a soon as possible.  But they end up reporting me behind my back, and I end up not knowing what the “negative signs” were.