March 29, 2010

Manifesting things into reality:

I am laying in my bed, horny, and wanting to make out with girls, and I just wish it was that easy.  That I could just go up to any random girl and ask her to make out with me and carry on.  So I try out what has seemed to work before with other things.  I imagine my situation, and I feel it to be real.  I ask: what would it be like, what would it feel like, what would be the required environment for it to be this easy?  So I feel it, I send my attention to some voices outside my room, and feel those voices as if they were part of my world; as real as those voices, I feel the realness of my world in them.  (its not about lying to myself, its about dreaming and eventually, seeing).  So I get out of bed and I reply to some message on facebook, but I notice myself do it with a hint of my world; “this i really interesting” I tell myself, and as I go to the bathroom to take a dump, I think about how close to real it already is, I feel it, my current state in life and how easy it is to bring about this other state.  I also think about the things I would have to accept from others, like maybe I would have to listen to them, and I think about how different my reactions would be to certain situations, like maybe I would smile if someone asked me to move out of the way, rather than taking it offensively.  I think this works maybe because: if you understand how hard it is to change your lifestyle and your habits, I think its because your habits create an atmosphere for your spirit, it gives you an aura, which reflect your habits and therefore encourage the actions that would keep that atmosphere and those same habits; but if you deliberately decide to feel another atmosphere, the more places and situations you do it in, this atmosphere will tell you which actions to carry out.  But then fear comes in, where does this fear come from anyways?

Note: if you think your current habits have no atmosphere, that is only because you have grown numb to it.

How to not fear: I think I just gotta learn to take it up the ass; physically, as well as emotionally, metaphorically speaking, of course.

I have to learn how my fears are irrelevant.

I wanted to get some lunch right now, but as I went out my room, I didnt feel like it anymore; when I went back to my room, I felt it again.  This was obviously the result of my desire for lunch being irrelevant (which is the meaning of any desire in general).  But the interesting thing that I discovered is that even though my desire for lunch was gone, it was not because of a growth in perspective, but a switch.  When I once feared not having lunch, the change in location made me switch to fearing confronting people in Prentiss.  What ever the matter, I just need to find a way to make myself not respond to these fears, or just fears in general.

So I do as I will and I love myself for it: as long as I love myself I’ll know its possible for a being to love me as I am.  As long as I am who I am, I’ll know that it is possible for someone like this weird ass person to exist in the world, I am not necessarily alone, since I know that I exist.

I think I am going to write a book on a little something I like to call, “taking it up the ass.”

I dont want to be afraid anymore, I dont want to be threatened to take stuff away from me if I dont comply in some manner.  I claim my independence, and need nothing from anyone else, God will provide me with what I truly need.At Whitman I was told to be considerate of other’s selfish needs, I cannot satisfy everyone at once, and I have not responsibility to do so, and neither do they.  If they feel that they should take something from me, so be it, it was never mine in the first place, and I will be glad to admit that.

I dont want to be afraid of fear, I dont want to fear pain, I dont want to be in denial about it and I dont want to reject it.  I want to be free to be its friend.  So please get on my bad side, because I want to learn to love you with your defects and all; forgive me if I hate you back when you hate me, or if I am disappointed when you let me down. 

I was in music class today, and I thought of something that made me angry, though it wasnt real, I used my imagination to enhance the projection of the situation and therefore, test my patience.  Why did I hate it, how could I get over it? how could I begin to love it?  Why would I allow such injustice (according to me) to exist in my world?  I thought of it as it was from God, a blessing from another world (obviously not mine), I just have to let it be, and love Life how it is.  Is it that I just wish that God knew about this?

Another advantage to not fearing your current situation is that you wont fear moving to other situations of the same level.  Or if you do not fear great pains, then you are willing to risk your comfort to go to other worlds, or just to get around.

The reason why worldly desires are not satisfying, is because you depend on a corruptible symbol to give you the satisfaction, in the end, you keep fearing that the symbol may be destroyed.  So meanwhile everybody is out there trying to get laid as many times as possible trying to satisfy their desires the wrong way; I am here trying to get “eternally” laid, so that way I wont need to get laid in order to feel satisfied.  Only God can get me eternally laid.

When you find yourself not being able to do something, it means there is a conflict with at least a double fear, the desire to move towards something (or fear of not accomplishing it), and the fear of a limit.  Our lives are surrounded and mainly guided by these boundaries; which is why life looks so shitty at times, is because of the imaginary lines that our mind scribbles on it.

So you may say, “well, this is the world, Im suppose to be satisfied somehow with a world full of neurotic people who dont understand and are afraid to consider death.”  I tell you not to feel so bad towards them, because you are one of them, and how do you know that you are one of them?  because you are also complaining and are not able to live life while considering this.  You may repond by saying that you dont mind at all, but you just are questioning for their sake.  I tell you that its not for their sake if you are searching for your own peace of mind.

There are two flaws that makes one worship idols, that makes one treat a corruptible symbol as God: to believe that what they offer cannot be received from anything else, and to think that you need what they offer in order to live.  I think what I am trying to say in practical terms is: Whitman College has nothing on me; so I am being myself, I dont care if I get kicked out of the whole human realm!  (Now the only problem is remembering that I feel this way).

The message seems simple:

Dont be afraid to use things to your advantage, but dont be afraid of losing your advantage either... But why shouldnt i be afraid of this?... because in the end of things and behind it all, there is no such thing as death.