March 28, 2010

New method... I prayed today, new method is: whatever I am going for, or whatever I want, I consider the opposite, and acccept it... how do I accept? I love it for what it is, I look for the beauty in it,

How do I look for beauty? I use my imagination.  This does not mean that I will choose the opposite, but if I am concerned about choosing it or not, then I havent really accepted it.

So I took my new method out for a test drive, it worked ok until I encountered some dense issue, the difference between these issues and the little things is that I cant think of anything, I cant use my imagination, and it is not necessarily because it is so complicated that I need to consider alot of things, but it is because I am afraid.  It does not take time because it has many fears, but because I am afraid  to move forward, to take a step, I am afraid to even consider such thing in my mind, I am afraid to think about it, to imagine the situation, I dont want to consider it, not in my mind, nor in reality.

I was ordering food at the Reid center and I considered ordering something but then I changed my mind, and I thought, “that was close, I almost ended up with something I didnt want,” but that would be a good?  I realized that it is ok to make decisions without considering them all the way through, if it turns out that I end up in a place where I am not well, it gives me both, the opportunity and the encouragement, to use my imagination to be satisfied with my situation.

But question is still in mind how do I come to accept?  I got all my mail, and as I was going through it I considered this, and I think that what I am suppose to do is see it as a part of me, something that I love, also it helps to consider greater things and the insignificance of what I think the problem is, or seeing my situation as my beloved home... but what do all these aspects (and ones that I am missing) mean?  What is acceptance?

Implied lies:  The reason why people reject things is basically because if they accept it, a lie would be implied by their actions, a certain contradiction that means death of an idea or something.  Since people are taught to not lie, or are taught to a duality between good and evil, or are taught to fear and avoid certain things, they will avoid lying, or things that they fear will cause a lie, a contradiction, or death of an idea.  What God does, or the idea behind Truth is that it shows us that everything is already True, and there is nothing we can do to prove or disprove it, we just have to let it be, we must remember that for every concept we are trying to prove to be true, we are also snatching the place, or taking up room that would be used by another concept, which is, by cause of manifested events, proved false.  The curious thing about lies and rejection is that when people reject an action of some sort is not necessairily because the action itself will cause them to “lie,” but because there is something about the time and place of the action or the situation that implies a lie.  This means that a person may be “convinced” to carry out the action if they were offered the right environment.  The even more curious thing is that the subjects themselves do not know this; and sometimes, even if the environment is presented to them and they carry out an action, they can forget the environment causing them to regret their actions, leaving them “not knowing why they did what they did.”

The more we get to know God, the more we realize how drenched in sin we really are, the more we get to know Truth the more we realize all the lies in this life. Life is Percfect, God is Life; if we are ever a hint below Infinite Joy is because our hearts have been blinded by sin, if we are ever anything besides Completely Free, then we are bound, letting darkness dictate our limits.

It feels silly to think about these things sometimes, but thats the whole point, you feel degraded and disgraced, like you dont want to do it, like you shouldn’t be there; this is the whole reason why you avoid it, you first avoid it in your mind, and then you avoid it in real life, when it comes around.

I tested myself with pain, because its simple, and I kind of did it, slowly inserted a needle into my skin, imaging, accepting into my mind each moment of change.  But now what, what would puncturing my skin with a  needle accomplish?  I realized that what I am trying to analyze its not the pain itself, but the fear I have against the pain.  This is what it is about, crossing boundaries, and loving it, accepting them into your mind, making them part of you.  And once you learn how to love these things that are difficult to love, you will love even more.

Again, what does it mean to accept?  To think of how its beautiful, of how its desirable, to think of how its True and undeniable in Life, in this World.  When we learn what God is, there is no such thing as pain.

Its in my subconscious, I want to stick this in my skin, and scrath my bone with it, I want to stick it in the pupil of my eye, its buried in my mind as an end.  I want to love You, I want to be penetrated where I believe I should not be, for Your sake.  I love You and everything You have for me, God.  Excuse my obsession with this needle, I just do not know where else to look for You.

These beliefs, that make my world such a horrible place to live in, I don’t exchange them for others I dont abandon them, but I keep them in my heart, because I know that I need to learn to love them.

To practice accepting and loving, I need to learn the horrors and fears of everyday life, the high degrees of adrenaline when getting out of bed, and analyze how I overcome them.  Then when I am faced with things that I have always seen as horrible, I can overcome them in the same manner.

Punturing my skin with a needle, for example: why would not I be able to do this?  I have pricked my finger before, accidently of course.  When I do manage to penetrate my skin I take the needle out quick, I guess as a reflex of rubbing off the pain, but when I donate blood I do not get all worked up about that needle being kept under my skin for a couple of minutes.  Needle is a good test because I also believe that it should not have any long-term effects in my life.

And yes, another good testing ground is resisting temptation.

I also realize that I have always seen value in this before, but influence from Whitman culture keeps telling me that I should stay away from things that I naturally find repulsive.  I believe that this repulsion is not a sign from the conscience from the Holy Spirit, but rather a sign from our nature, as sinful beings.  Is it not true? that when God our side we can face even Death itself with fearlessness and pride.  This is the integrity that I search for, to be at peace with Perfection, to Love my God.

Oblivion:  So if all I need to do is analyze the situation in order to accept it, it might mean that the only reason I reject certain situations is because I have not considered them, or analyzed them; I can understand that the process can be made easier if the lowering into the unknown also involves a string of “knowledge” you can trust, to lower you.  But does this mean that my mind “naturally” avoids things that are completely unknown?  If so, how do I accept fallen into complete oblivion? Oblivion, which is where I am actually at, so in other words: how can I accept falling out of my fantasy? How can I accept falling into Reality?

But maybe the reason why I reject the unknown is not because I have a natural tendency to avoid it; I can imagine myself going into an unknown territory, and all I do, if I am not at all insecure, is that I analyze everything, inserting meaning into every detail as if it was the last thing I would ever see, as if it was the first thing I have ever seen.  But of course, this sense of security only comes from the my sense that I can go back to my old territory if anything goes wrong; and in reality, we must realize that this is true, because if anything goes wrong we can always just die, and go back to where we were before we were born.  But alas! we believe that things keep on living when we die, we are afraid to die because we believe that even though we may go back to our old state, the rest of the world will not and when we die, we will still be concerned about the rest of the world, as if it was somehow still part of us though we have no connection with it, and having no control over it to us it means complete oblivion.  In the end, we do not ever establish our home in the non-existant, we do not even trust death to get rid of all our troubles, so we continue to live life in fear.

If you associate the unknown with fear, and you associate fear with avoidance, then you will never learn anything new, unless it catches you off guard your life will always be the same.

But in the end, it is not mere oblivion which we avoid:  If I imagine myself in a state of oblivion in which I have no control about many things that are happening, I feel a mix of many emotions, including great joy for things I am happy about, but also I feel devasted for things that I am terrified about, the only reason I regret not having control over anything is because I cannot fix those things that annoy me, like if a had a sort of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to make things match with my idea of perfection.  But what causes this?  And how can I accept the things that once annoyed me, I keep asking the same thing.  Why do I reject things?

For the sake of others:  I think its because we do not have faith in Truth, I think it may be because we believe that there are others that will not have the desire to Live if Life is such, we may not be necessarily concerned about our own desire to live, but desire to live in general.  We do not fear things ourselves, we just fear that others will fear, and so we fo to extremes to make sure that others will feel comfortable even though what you give is not what they want, but you believe that if you dont give these things, they will want to live less.  I say this because if you imagine a world in which no one else exists, you will find that you feel less apt to judge, and no motivation to do it.

This is why Integrity is important: to be true to yourself in the open, as if no one was watching, to judge not based on the approval of others; when become unconcerned about others you will find that it is easier to just not judge.

So does this mean that one must be selfish?  Not selfish, since you must also not be concerned about yourself, selfishly looking for the approval of others, but you must stand for the Only Being that actually matters in life, the Only Entity, you must be Most considerate to Truth; and no other gods before Him.  Do it all for the sake of God.

Analyze:  when I am angry at someone, and I want to do them wrong, when I search for justice, I am only searching for understanding, I only want them to understand what I am going through, I just want them to understand the pain that they have caused me to experience, and I want to make sure that they know so that they can deliberate their decision based on this truth.  Where this search for understanding goes out of control is out of the fact that the level of acceptance and tolerance comes in different degrees for different people, so that if they do not show me the appropriate level of pity, you will arrange things so that they do.  My end is only that others know Truth, is there a problem with me wanting this?

My problem is that I have no faith in Truth, everything has to go through ME and I must know that others know.  I have no faith that Truth will be known, so I feel a responsibility to make it so, and therefore fears and reject situations.  So should I be at peace when Truth is Unknown, again this is the reality.  How can I accept falling into complete oblivion, falling out of this fantasy, and falling into the fact that I know nothing, how can I accept that Truth is Unknown?

We fear oblivion because we fear that others will be lied to, I just want them to know the Truth, but I cannot tell others the Truth when the fact is that I dont know it myself.  We do not know Truth, and we must understand this, when we understand that Truth is Unknown, we Know Truth.  We must have faith that Truth is Perfect as it is, when we have Faith, we Know Truth.

But I ask this question one last time today... How do we come to accept things that we once rejected?  How can we accept things that do not match our sense of perfection?

Answering this question may help: why do we value a lower sense of perfection?

Its not about physical appearance, but about how good you can make it look with your spirit.