So in the morning I decide that I will actually carry out the assignments I have for the day, but I still need to pray, I dedicate my whole time to prayer but most of that time I just “sleep.” So ten minutes of really efficient praying and on with my day... for reals this time.
Ok, so I start of by imagining demons tormenting me; since my imagination is not really efficient I dont feel any threat or fear. I imagine them as if they were people who I have thought to hurt. And I am suppose to accept their torment somehow; I get the idea as if their torment is love in an unusual for and their is not such thing as hate in this life; since everything is real, everything is love, because whatever is real comes from God. I enjoy their torment? And do not regret the times I had tormented them? Until now, I am getting an idea of what this is suppose to mean... We are just playing pain games, in good sport, of course. And what kind of player am I if I am ok with winning but not with losing, if I hurt them carelessly, I should be able to receive their torment carelessly as well, not keeping track of how many times I win or lose.
I think about this girl last night, we should have prayed together, it bugs me how that didnt pop into my mind at the time. It bothers me because I think she probably needed it. It bothers me, so I am afraid, fear does not allow me to use my imagination until I get the fear out of the way. So I come up with an idea that would give me a lifestyle that would keep me from letting such thing happen again, letting someone that needs prayer slip by, when its so easy to just pray for them and their. Once I change my lifestyle I am able to use my imagination again, and I realize that maybe I was not suppose to stop her after all, I mean if it did not happen, it was not in God’s plan. She probably did not even need it, and its all in my head; and even if she did need it, letting her slip does not mean that she is doomed to go to hell.
This was an example of how fear inhibits us from realizing truths. The truths tell us that we need not to fear, but we cant get to the truths until we get over the fear; this is the hard part. Knowing that the Truth exists, I know that I need not to fear. Not being able to see the Truth, causes me to fear nevertheless., and therefore inhibits me from seeing the Truth. So I want to get rid of fear, or realize the truths as a way of getting rid of the fear. I find that instead of working with millions of little issues trying to figure out how to change our lifestyle so that we get rid of every little fear so that then we find out and see that nothing was ever wrong, that would take to much work. So the magnet that would pick all of the iron dust bits, would be having faith in the Truth. And this is the “blind faith” that I believe the true Christianity was trying to preach. Not the “blind faith” that tells you to ignorantly ignore what you are afraid of; but the one that tells you that it does not matter if you see Truth, and it does not matter how threatening and painful things look on the lower levels of your mind, that you should NOT FEAR, whatsoever.
But again, how do we not fear? Or in other words... how do we have faith?
I know that the Truth exists, but since I dont see it, I fear. I know that the Truth exists, but I dont have faith in it, when I am dead.
The Truth tells me that I shoud not fear any circumstance, that if I end up getting tortured to death I should still not fear what God has in store, or what God is currently manifesting in me, I should not fear, not when its coming, not when its here. Not just not fear it and have faith that the torment is a means to something better, but not fear it and see that the torment is the better. If we reject what is happening to us, we are not really accepting it, if we really do not fear what God is manifesting for us, then we accept whatever he throws our way with diligence and pride.
I do not want to run away from fear,
I want to stand my ground and not fear.
I do not want to fear pain,
I want to stand my ground and love it, and play with it as if it was a pet.
I do not want to fear adrenaline rushes and heavy breathing,
I want to stand my ground and do it meaningfully.
I do not want to fear being caught and the headlights stunned and paralyzed,
I want to stand in awe at it.
I do not want to fear fear,
I want to live it.
I want to fear... and love it (???)
... sweet paradoxes of life and sin.
What is fear? If it isnt the heavy breathing, and the being in denial, and the wanting to run away... fear is the rejection. I do not want to reject, not even rejection itself. I guess its the actual running away... but if you try to not run away, then you are running away from running away... (yes, this is confusing...) I guess what I am trying to figure out, is that to get rid fear you shouldnt run away from fear, you shouldnt fear fear. You should just not... or better put: you should just...
So I was about to take a shower right now, but a girl was in the bathroom, so I didnt even go in, and just decided to use the other shower. Then I stopped myself because I thought that I had done it out of fear, little did I know that I the only thing I was fearing, was fear, when in reality there was none. I went back there again and stood outside the bathroom door, wondering why I was afraid. I heard water, I assumed she was about to take a shower... I was not being afraid after all, I was just considering that we would not take a shower together. But because I was concerned about not being afraid, I got suspiscious of my situation, and was, therefore, afraid.
I mean, our actions can have many explanations. In an Infinite Life like this, there are excuses for absolutely everything, and you need not worry about ANYTHING that you do. Whether its going to the other bathroom, or taking a shower with a girl, you need not be afraid; you are excused one way or another. (what the hell? Really?)
So this is really working: not being afraid of being afraid... I dont know about my mind feeling free, but I do notice I can use my imagination more. I think fear conquers us when we see an action and we believe that it is because of this feeling, because of fear, we connect what we see with the feeling, and we feel like if it was not suppose to happen. But in God’s world everything happens for a reason and this is true, so nothing is not suppose to happen.
I was in the music building, and I was standing on the stairs looking down at a lady in the office in the first floor, and it was not because I was afraid. Then something happened, it reminded me of the accidents that happen, the blessings that come to you without even trying. The times where you just did something that you would never do, but you did it because you werent paying attention. It’s the subconscious at work, and with no fear involved, there is no fear manifested, and everything is as it’s meant to be. God will grant the desires of your heart, if you just have faith in Him. Fear nothing, no matter what it looks like: smile at death when you face it, and you will realize that it’s just passing by. Welcome death when it comes to you, and you will discover that it is offering you the gift of ressurection.
So this is what is living by faith... therefore, God will grant you the desires of your heart, and eventually you will get heaven. Amazing, and fear and death will be gone? I will miss you... I’ll come visit you once in a while, if I still remember how to do it. Just imagine all the emotions and realms that are hidden and unexperienced; fear can only be achieved if you try to avoid it, it’s is a very interesting effect, and interesting friend. With life’s infinite dimensions, I wonder how many more there are, how many are we experiencing right now without even knowing it. How many have us with our heads on the ground, and how many have we conquered; this the state of mind that I am in now, though I consider it to be peaceful and blissful, may not be compared to where I could be... but if I start worrying about that, I’ll never get to it. I guess it’s like, contemplating the rainbow from a distance, the rainbow was only meant to be seen from far away; if you try to get close it disappears. But if you just gaze at it, without lust, without worry or anxiety, but be at peace with it’s eminent flavor, when you love it for what it is and demand nothing else from it, it will come to you, your eyes will be openned and you will see that your life is a rainbow, and you can feel it tangible and fully in your mind, for what it is, not for what you want it to be; because if you want it to be something that it is not, you want it to be gone, and thats why it disappears.
Observing my mind: its like the fear said that I was doing a certain action because of some exclusive reason, and when I suggest that maybe the reasons are others, and not just fear, therefore nothing to worry about, because fear is not a problem either; when I admit that it does not matter if its fear or not, I discover that it can be other reasons.
So this matter about exclusive beliefs makes sense with everything that I thought about before. Because I was concerned about fear, fear was the only thing I saw, even though there are many reasons for everything, because everything is true. When I avoid something, I may not be avoiding it, but I remain calm because I am only relishing in something else. I am relishing in whatever state I am in, whatever it may be.
So fear is not the problem, but that thing that makes thing seem like they should not be, and since I dont know what else to call it, I will call it “sin.” I am still confused about what “sin” is, I guess in a way it can be explained as disalignment with Truth; the Truth which is ever-present. When we start thinking that things should not exist, that is sin; it is very peculiar because if you believe that sin should not exist, then you are bringing it to life.
I’ve been doing this for hours and I feel great. I just talked to this one guy a really interesting conversation, about psychology and taoism. (I thought he was afraid of me, and I wanted to make him even more paranoid because I thought that he reported me, I did not fear what came, and it just happened, I forgot about what I thought was my “exclusive” intention and moved to something else). The best part is that even though I am at peace, I am not concerned about spending time to get down and dirty at times, I am not concerned about visiting fear, because I am not rejecting anything. If fear comes my way, I will not be afraid to accept it.
Questions to answer: But how does this all work, in the outside world, how does it bring about effects? instead of just talking in general and metaphorical terms? How does it make it all happen subconsciously? What does it all mean? The best of worlds when you are not concerned about other things being the best, you may try to change what has happened, but you dont believe that anything ever went wrong, “gives off a vibe” but what is this vibe and how is it given off? And how does it work with the rest of the world, how does it spread to bless those around me... similarly, how is fear and sin spread?, and what decides which one is more powerful?
Some may say that if you cant decide what to believe then nothing is true for you. I beg to differ, I think that you cannot believe only one thing: exclusive beliefs are not truth, it is stubbornness, it is denying the possibility of anything else in Infinity, it is denying the comprehensiveness of this Reality, the completeness of God. Believe as much as you can, because when you realize the many possible explanations to why you can’t some guy to notice you, you will also realize that nothing is impossible, that God truly exists. When you believe that something should not be a certain way, you are denying the Infinite amount of possibilities that it could happen, you are denying the Truth of its Infinity, and of the Reality of the possibilities. (I discovered this while eating an orange, and the peeling didnt come off the way I wanted it too).
The pure of heart are those that do not deny what is real. So how does one learn “sin”? if it was from the inside, this would mean acting fear out inauthentically. But how does one, and why does one decide to do this? Thinking of the pure of heart as a child, if a child is punished, by being told to sit in the corner, they use their imagination to discover possibilities... they begin to fidget around. When they are told not to move, they use their imagination to discover possibilities... they begin to laugh at things that they think about. When they are told not to make any noise, they can go on indefinitely to discover more aspects of their mind. This is actually a good exxercise for children. What is bad is commanding them, forcing them to believe that it is not possible to Live in the position that they are in; which is obviously not true. But how would they be forced to swallow this idea of exclusivity? If one had enough imagination they could easily make life out of the statement that is suppose to mean death. So how does one eventually agree to die and why?
One perspective that I thought of is that maybe we are all just following an example that we learn from everybody else’s actions, and what we are doing is exactly what we want to do, but we do not realize it because we want to not realize it, we want to feel trapped and deranged, and we have forgotten that this is what we want so that we can feel trapped and deranged. And we admire it by the example of others, how our parents act, when they want something, and they cant seem to know how to get it, and so instead of figuring out how to get it, they get frustrated, and angry and start destroying things to anounce to as many people in the world that he cannot obtain his goal, but since he cannot even tell the whole of existence, and pretends that not even God the all-knowing, can hear his clamor, and so he falls into passionate and honest depression to kill himself. One sees this example and wants to repeat it, and since we actually have the ability to look into the heart and know authenticity of emotions, we can reenact it so well to the most distinct point or so. But to be in the state of mind of our father example, we deliberately forget (we really know how to do it), and we forget how to remember, just so we can reenact what we have seen. And so we have a whole realm of human beings who have given themselves the role of derangeness to anounce suffering and confusion to the rest of reality.
Im trying to think of how all of this would eventually go back to explain the story of creation in Genensis. Some christians would probably look down on this, adding meaning to the bible, instead of taking its literal interpretation. But I dont think thats how its meant to be read, that’s like we are applying our western culture form of thought to reading the bible. We are studying the bible using ockham’s razor and the scientific method, which rids anything of its infinite meaning, it rids God from the Word of God so that it only becomes words. But I shouldnt judge, maybe there is a way in which you can still find God with exclusive interpretation of the bible. And apparently there is, since western christianity has survived for so long, and people still have faith. Maybe God knew this would happen, and so he even put symbols in His word that would be compatible with this form of interpretation, so to us it looks like miracles, like signs from beyond; as we await the spilling of enlightenment on all, the holy flood of the Holy Spirit, when the end of death and sin will come. I thank God that in such a blind an ignorant world, there is still hope.
Although I blame Whitman for driving me crazy, I would have not given such speculation to this subject if it did not become such a prevalent problem in my life. So I thank God for Whitman, for prompting me to go to a place of extreme conflict to get a glimpse of the ever-present peace.
I observe things that would inspire, but then I worry for them, thinking that the inpiration is a sign that the world is not safe as it is (without the inspiration). I focus on that inspiring blurr, remembering it, trying to figure out what it is, holding it in my mind, regretting not being able to distinguish it and form it in my world. But if I let go, I allow it to flow through to my world, just the way its suppose to be, the inspiration is out, and I never worried.
Because I (have this feeling/am in this situation),
it means that something is wrong.
NO!!
Because I (have this feeling/am in this situation),
it means that I (have this feeling/am in this situation)
Yes!
Its about paying attention to what is happening now, instead of trying to predict and “rationalize” what will happen, by thinking about what has happened before. It’s funny the way our minds work: you do not pay attention to the car that is speeding towards you, you do not think it will collide with you, just because its not green like the first one that hit you. Then after you get hit, you decide to be afraid of green things and red things, no matter which direction they move.
The difference between the first example from the second is that the first carries with it the infamous exclusivity in its meaning, which means death to Infinite meaning.
Basically, we are not suppose to be paranoid about the effects of a certain situation, because there is always better and worse things that come from it. But because we are paranoid on a single “known” effect, we ignore all the greater blessings that it produces, and all the greater curses that would make the “known effect” insignificant. Take diamonds for example: a bride that lost her engagement ring is concerned about one thing, which because of it, she ignores all the trouble that the people went through to get that diamond; she also ignores the possibility that a needy person may find it... anyways, Im explaining things too much.
So the benefits of not being paranoid of current situations and emotions evident if you think about all the senses that you use. If you accept pain, you will learn things about your body, dimensions that are otherwise unknown. If someone wants to be able to read minds, he should not beat himself up if there comes a thought of gruesomeness to his head. If he is going to be paranoid and get depressed everytime he thinks about the genocide, he is better off ignoring those thoughts and pretending as much as possible that they never happened. If he sits patiently and just observes, and thinks nothing of those thoughts, he will have better access to discovering the reasons why he is getting those thoughts, and where they are coming from. (This does not have to involve mind reading, but can be thought about with the same context as media’s subliminal messages).
With what I have discovered today, I dont think I am complete; I am still afraid of some things but it is easier to open up to them. I am obviously not completely open yet, since I am still not able to levitate, and I havent seen ghosts yet. But I have faith that God will eventually guide me there. According to my theory though I am not complete until I am able to do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, im talking like walking through walls and being in two places at the same time; anything you can imagine and everything that no one can ever imagine (simply put, I guess would be, until I become God... or ascend into heaven or something). So I certainly have not figured out that much, but it does feel like I am softly being lifted to my end.
