March 30, 2010

So in the morning I decide that I will actually carry out the assignments I have for the day, but I still need to pray, I dedicate my whole time to prayer but most of that time I just “sleep.” So ten minutes of really efficient praying and on with my day... for reals this time.

Ok, so I start of by imagining demons tormenting me; since my imagination is not really efficient I dont feel any threat or fear.  I imagine them as if they were people who I have thought to hurt.  And I am suppose to accept their torment somehow; I get the idea as if their torment is love in an unusual for and their is not such thing as hate in this life; since everything is real, everything is love, because whatever is real comes from God.  I enjoy their torment? And do not regret the times I had tormented them?  Until now, I am getting an idea of what this is suppose to mean... We are just playing pain games, in good sport, of course.  And what kind of player am I if I am ok with winning but not with losing, if I hurt them carelessly, I should be able to receive their torment carelessly as well, not keeping track of how many times I win or lose.

I think about this girl last night, we should have prayed together, it bugs me how that didnt pop into my mind at the time.  It bothers me because I think she probably needed it.  It bothers me, so I am afraid, fear does not allow me to use my imagination until I get the fear out of the way.  So I come up with an idea that would give me a lifestyle that would keep me from letting such thing happen again, letting someone that needs prayer slip by, when its so easy to just pray for them and their.  Once I change my lifestyle I am able to use my imagination again, and I realize that maybe I was not suppose to stop her after all, I mean if it did not happen, it was not in God’s plan.  She probably did not even need it, and its all in my head; and even if she did need it, letting her slip does not mean that she is doomed to go to hell.

This was an example of how fear inhibits us from realizing truths.  The truths tell us that we need not to fear, but we cant get to the truths until we get over the fear; this is the hard part.  Knowing that the Truth exists, I know that I need not to fear.  Not being able to see the Truth, causes me to fear nevertheless., and therefore inhibits me from seeing the Truth.  So I want to get rid of fear, or realize the truths as a way of getting rid of the fear.  I find that instead of working with millions of little issues trying to figure out how to change our lifestyle so that we get rid of every little fear so that then we find out and see that nothing was ever wrong, that would take to much work.  So the magnet that would pick all of the iron dust bits, would be having faith in the Truth.  And this is the “blind faith” that I believe the true Christianity was trying to preach.  Not the “blind faith” that tells you to ignorantly ignore what you are afraid of; but the one that tells you that it does not matter if you see Truth, and it does not matter how threatening and painful things look on the lower levels of your mind, that you should NOT FEAR, whatsoever.

But again, how do we not fear?  Or in other words... how do we have faith?

I know that the Truth exists, but since I dont see it, I fear.  I know that the Truth exists, but I dont have faith in it, when I am dead.

The Truth tells me that I shoud not fear any circumstance, that if I end up getting tortured to death I should still not fear what God has in store, or what God is currently manifesting in me, I should not fear, not when its coming, not when its here.  Not just not fear it and have faith that the torment is a means to something better, but not fear it and see that the torment is the better.  If we reject what is happening to us, we are not really accepting it, if we really do not fear what God is manifesting for us, then we accept whatever he throws our way with diligence and pride.

I do not want to run away from fear,

I want to stand my ground and not fear.

I do not want to fear pain,

I want to stand my ground and love it, and play with it as if it was a pet.

I do not want to fear adrenaline rushes and heavy breathing,

I want to stand my ground and do it meaningfully.

I do not want to fear being caught and the headlights stunned and paralyzed,

I want to stand in awe at it.

I do not want to fear fear,

I want to live it.

I want to fear... and love it (???)

... sweet paradoxes of life and sin.

What is fear? If it isnt the heavy breathing, and the being in denial, and the wanting to run away... fear is the rejection.  I do not want to reject, not even rejection itself.  I guess its the actual running away... but if you try to not run away, then you are running away from running away... (yes, this is confusing...)  I guess what I am trying to figure out, is that to get rid fear you shouldnt run away from fear, you shouldnt fear fear.  You should just not... or better put: you should just...

So I was about to take a shower right now, but a girl was in the bathroom, so I didnt even go in, and just decided to use the other shower.  Then I stopped myself because I thought that I had done it out of fear, little did I know that I the only thing I was fearing, was fear, when in reality there was none.  I went back there again and stood outside the bathroom door, wondering why I was afraid.  I heard water, I assumed she was about to take a shower... I was not being afraid after all, I was just considering that we would not take a shower together.  But because I was concerned about not being afraid, I got suspiscious of my situation, and was, therefore, afraid.

I mean, our actions can have many explanations.  In an Infinite Life like this, there are excuses for absolutely everything, and you need not worry about ANYTHING that you do.  Whether its going to the other bathroom, or taking a shower with a girl, you need not be afraid; you are excused one way or another.  (what the hell? Really?)

So this is really working: not being afraid of being afraid... I dont know about my mind feeling free, but I do notice I can use my imagination more.  I think fear conquers us when we see an action and we believe that it is because of this feeling, because of fear, we connect what we see with the feeling, and we feel like if it was not suppose to happen.  But in God’s world everything happens for a reason and this is true, so nothing is not suppose to happen.

I was in the music building, and I was standing on the stairs looking down at a lady in the office in the first floor, and it was not because I was afraid.  Then something happened, it reminded me of the accidents that happen, the blessings that come to you without even trying.  The times where you just did something that you would never do, but you did it because you werent paying attention.  It’s the subconscious at work, and with no fear involved, there is no fear manifested, and everything is as it’s meant to be.  God will grant the desires of your heart, if you just have faith in Him.  Fear nothing, no matter what it looks like: smile at death when you face it, and you will realize that it’s just passing by.  Welcome death when it comes to you, and you will discover that it is offering you the gift of ressurection.

So this is what is living by faith... therefore, God will grant you the desires of your heart, and eventually you will get heaven.  Amazing, and fear and death will be gone?  I will miss you... I’ll come visit you once in a while, if I still remember how to do it.  Just imagine all the emotions and realms that are hidden and unexperienced; fear can only be achieved if you try to avoid it, it’s is a very interesting effect, and interesting friend.  With life’s infinite dimensions, I wonder how many more there are, how many are we experiencing right now without even knowing it.  How many have us with our heads on the ground, and how many have we conquered; this the state of mind that I am in now, though I consider it to be peaceful and blissful, may not be compared to where I could be... but if I start worrying about that, I’ll never get to it.  I guess it’s like, contemplating the rainbow from a distance, the rainbow was only meant to be seen from far away; if you try to get close it disappears.  But if you just gaze at it, without lust, without worry or anxiety, but be at peace with it’s eminent flavor, when you love it for what it is and demand nothing else from it, it will come to you, your eyes will be openned and you will see that your life is a rainbow, and you can feel it tangible and fully in your mind, for what it is, not for what you want it to be; because if you want it to be something that it is not, you want it to be gone, and thats why it disappears.

Observing my mind: its like the fear said that I was doing a certain action because of some exclusive reason, and when I suggest that maybe the reasons are others, and not just fear, therefore nothing to worry about, because fear is not a problem either; when I admit that it does not matter if its fear or not, I discover that it can be other reasons.

So this matter about exclusive beliefs makes sense with everything that I thought about before.  Because I was concerned about fear, fear was the only thing I saw, even though there are many reasons for everything, because everything is true.  When I avoid something, I may not be avoiding it, but I remain calm because I am only relishing in something else.  I am relishing in whatever state I am in, whatever it may be.

So fear is not the problem, but that thing that makes thing seem like they should not be, and since I dont know what else to call it, I will call it “sin.” I am still confused about what “sin” is, I guess in a way it can be explained as disalignment with Truth; the Truth which is ever-present.  When we start thinking that things should not exist, that is sin; it is very peculiar because if you believe that sin should not exist, then you are bringing it to life.

I’ve been doing this for hours and I feel great.  I just talked to this one guy a really interesting conversation, about psychology and taoism.  (I thought he was afraid of me, and I wanted to make him even more paranoid because I thought that he reported me, I did not fear what came, and it just happened, I forgot about what I thought was my “exclusive” intention and moved to something else).  The best part is that even though I am at peace, I am not concerned about spending time to get down and dirty at times, I am not concerned about visiting fear, because I am not rejecting anything.  If fear comes my way, I will not be afraid to accept it.

Questions to answer: But how does this all work, in the outside world, how does it bring about effects? instead of just talking in general and metaphorical terms?  How does it make it all happen subconsciously? What does it all mean?  The best of worlds when you are not concerned about other things being the best, you may try to change what has happened, but you dont believe that anything ever went wrong, “gives off a vibe” but what is this vibe and how is it given off?  And how does it work with the rest of the world, how does it spread to bless those around me... similarly, how is fear and sin spread?, and what decides which one is more powerful?

Some may say that if you cant decide what to believe then nothing is true for you.  I beg to differ, I think that you cannot believe only one thing: exclusive beliefs are not truth, it is stubbornness, it is denying the possibility of anything else in Infinity, it is denying the comprehensiveness of this Reality, the completeness of God.  Believe as much as you can, because when you realize the many possible explanations to why you can’t some guy to notice you, you will also realize that nothing is impossible, that God truly exists.  When you believe that something should not be a certain way, you are denying the Infinite amount of possibilities that it could happen, you are denying the Truth of its Infinity, and of the Reality of the possibilities.  (I discovered this while eating an orange, and the peeling didnt come off the way I wanted it too).

The pure of heart are those that do not deny what is real.  So how does one learn “sin”? if it was from the inside, this would mean acting fear out inauthentically.  But how does one, and why does one decide to do this?  Thinking of the pure of heart as a child, if a child is punished, by being told to sit in the corner, they use their imagination to discover possibilities... they begin to fidget around.  When they are told not to move, they use their imagination to discover possibilities... they begin to laugh at things that they think about.  When they are told not to make any noise, they can go on indefinitely to discover more aspects of their mind.  This is actually a good exxercise for children.  What is bad is commanding them, forcing them to believe that it is not possible to Live in the position that they are in; which is obviously not true.  But how would they be forced to swallow this idea of exclusivity?  If one had enough imagination they could easily make life out of the statement that is suppose to mean death.  So how does one eventually agree to die and why?

One perspective that I thought of is that maybe we are all just following an example that we learn from everybody else’s actions, and what we are doing is exactly what we want to do, but we do not realize it because we want to not realize it, we want to feel trapped and deranged, and we have forgotten that this is what we want so that  we can feel trapped and deranged.  And we admire it by the example of others, how our parents act, when they want something, and they cant seem to know how to get it, and so instead of figuring out how to get it, they get frustrated, and angry and start destroying things to anounce to as many people in the world that he cannot obtain his goal, but since he cannot even tell the whole of existence, and pretends that not even God the all-knowing, can hear his clamor, and so he falls into passionate and honest depression to kill himself.  One sees this example and wants to repeat it, and since we actually have the ability to look into the heart and know authenticity of emotions, we can reenact it so well to the most distinct point or so.  But to be in the state of mind of our father example, we deliberately forget (we really know how to  do it), and we forget how to remember, just so we can reenact what we have seen.  And so we have a whole realm  of human beings who have given themselves the role of  derangeness to anounce suffering and confusion to the rest of reality.

Im trying to think of how all of this would eventually go back to explain the story of creation in Genensis.  Some christians would probably look down on this, adding meaning to the bible, instead of taking its literal interpretation.  But I dont think thats how its meant to be read, that’s like we are applying our western culture form of thought to reading the bible.  We are studying the bible using ockham’s razor and the scientific method, which rids anything of its infinite meaning, it rids God from the Word of God so that it only becomes words.  But I shouldnt judge, maybe there is a way in which you can still find God with exclusive interpretation of the bible.  And apparently there is, since western christianity has survived for so long, and people still have faith.  Maybe God knew this would happen, and so he even put symbols in His word that would be compatible with this form of interpretation, so to us it looks like miracles, like signs from beyond; as we await the spilling of enlightenment on all, the holy flood of the Holy Spirit, when the end of death and sin will come.  I thank God that in such a blind an ignorant world, there is still hope.

Although I blame Whitman for driving me crazy, I would have not given such speculation to this subject if it did not become such a prevalent problem in my life.  So I thank God for Whitman, for prompting me to go to a place of extreme conflict to get a glimpse of the ever-present peace.

I observe things that would inspire, but then I worry for them, thinking that the inpiration is a sign that the world is not safe as it is (without the inspiration).  I focus on that inspiring blurr, remembering it, trying to figure out what it is, holding it in my mind, regretting not being able to distinguish it and form it in my world.  But if I let go, I allow it to flow through to my world, just the way its suppose to be, the inspiration is out, and I never worried.

Because I (have this feeling/am in this situation),

it means that something is wrong.

NO!!

Because I (have this feeling/am in this situation),

it means that I (have this feeling/am in this situation)

Yes!

Its about paying attention to what is happening now, instead of trying to predict and “rationalize” what will happen, by thinking about what has happened before.  It’s funny the way our minds work: you do not pay attention to the car that is speeding towards you, you do not think it will collide with you, just because its not green like the first one that hit you.  Then after you get hit, you decide to be afraid of green things and red things, no matter which direction they move.

The difference between the first example from the second is that the first carries with it the infamous exclusivity in its meaning, which means death to Infinite meaning.

Basically, we are not suppose to be paranoid about the effects of a certain situation, because there is always better and worse things that come from it.  But because we are paranoid on a single “known” effect, we ignore all the greater blessings that it produces, and all the greater curses that would make the “known effect” insignificant.  Take diamonds for example: a bride that lost her engagement ring is concerned about one thing, which because of it, she ignores all the trouble that the people went through to get that diamond; she also ignores the possibility that a needy person may find it... anyways, Im explaining things too much.

So the benefits of not being paranoid of current situations and emotions evident if you think about all the senses that you use.  If you accept pain, you will learn things about your body, dimensions that are otherwise unknown.  If someone wants to be able to read minds, he should not beat himself up if there comes a thought of gruesomeness to his head.  If he is going to be paranoid and get depressed everytime he thinks about the genocide, he is better off ignoring those thoughts and pretending as much as possible that they never happened.  If he sits patiently and just observes, and thinks nothing of those thoughts, he will have better access to discovering the reasons why he is getting those thoughts, and where they are coming from.  (This does not have to involve mind reading, but can be thought about with the same context as media’s subliminal messages).

With what I have discovered today, I dont think I am complete; I am still afraid of some things but it is easier to open up to them. I am obviously not completely open yet, since I am still not able to levitate, and I havent seen ghosts yet.  But I have faith that God will eventually guide me there.  According to my theory though I am not complete until I am able to do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, im talking like walking through walls and being in two places at the same time; anything you can imagine and everything that no one can ever imagine (simply put, I guess would be, until I become God... or ascend into heaven or something).  So I certainly have not figured out that much, but it does feel like I am softly being lifted to my end.

March 29, 2010

Manifesting things into reality:

I am laying in my bed, horny, and wanting to make out with girls, and I just wish it was that easy.  That I could just go up to any random girl and ask her to make out with me and carry on.  So I try out what has seemed to work before with other things.  I imagine my situation, and I feel it to be real.  I ask: what would it be like, what would it feel like, what would be the required environment for it to be this easy?  So I feel it, I send my attention to some voices outside my room, and feel those voices as if they were part of my world; as real as those voices, I feel the realness of my world in them.  (its not about lying to myself, its about dreaming and eventually, seeing).  So I get out of bed and I reply to some message on facebook, but I notice myself do it with a hint of my world; “this i really interesting” I tell myself, and as I go to the bathroom to take a dump, I think about how close to real it already is, I feel it, my current state in life and how easy it is to bring about this other state.  I also think about the things I would have to accept from others, like maybe I would have to listen to them, and I think about how different my reactions would be to certain situations, like maybe I would smile if someone asked me to move out of the way, rather than taking it offensively.  I think this works maybe because: if you understand how hard it is to change your lifestyle and your habits, I think its because your habits create an atmosphere for your spirit, it gives you an aura, which reflect your habits and therefore encourage the actions that would keep that atmosphere and those same habits; but if you deliberately decide to feel another atmosphere, the more places and situations you do it in, this atmosphere will tell you which actions to carry out.  But then fear comes in, where does this fear come from anyways?

Note: if you think your current habits have no atmosphere, that is only because you have grown numb to it.

How to not fear: I think I just gotta learn to take it up the ass; physically, as well as emotionally, metaphorically speaking, of course.

I have to learn how my fears are irrelevant.

I wanted to get some lunch right now, but as I went out my room, I didnt feel like it anymore; when I went back to my room, I felt it again.  This was obviously the result of my desire for lunch being irrelevant (which is the meaning of any desire in general).  But the interesting thing that I discovered is that even though my desire for lunch was gone, it was not because of a growth in perspective, but a switch.  When I once feared not having lunch, the change in location made me switch to fearing confronting people in Prentiss.  What ever the matter, I just need to find a way to make myself not respond to these fears, or just fears in general.

So I do as I will and I love myself for it: as long as I love myself I’ll know its possible for a being to love me as I am.  As long as I am who I am, I’ll know that it is possible for someone like this weird ass person to exist in the world, I am not necessarily alone, since I know that I exist.

I think I am going to write a book on a little something I like to call, “taking it up the ass.”

I dont want to be afraid anymore, I dont want to be threatened to take stuff away from me if I dont comply in some manner.  I claim my independence, and need nothing from anyone else, God will provide me with what I truly need.At Whitman I was told to be considerate of other’s selfish needs, I cannot satisfy everyone at once, and I have not responsibility to do so, and neither do they.  If they feel that they should take something from me, so be it, it was never mine in the first place, and I will be glad to admit that.

I dont want to be afraid of fear, I dont want to fear pain, I dont want to be in denial about it and I dont want to reject it.  I want to be free to be its friend.  So please get on my bad side, because I want to learn to love you with your defects and all; forgive me if I hate you back when you hate me, or if I am disappointed when you let me down. 

I was in music class today, and I thought of something that made me angry, though it wasnt real, I used my imagination to enhance the projection of the situation and therefore, test my patience.  Why did I hate it, how could I get over it? how could I begin to love it?  Why would I allow such injustice (according to me) to exist in my world?  I thought of it as it was from God, a blessing from another world (obviously not mine), I just have to let it be, and love Life how it is.  Is it that I just wish that God knew about this?

Another advantage to not fearing your current situation is that you wont fear moving to other situations of the same level.  Or if you do not fear great pains, then you are willing to risk your comfort to go to other worlds, or just to get around.

The reason why worldly desires are not satisfying, is because you depend on a corruptible symbol to give you the satisfaction, in the end, you keep fearing that the symbol may be destroyed.  So meanwhile everybody is out there trying to get laid as many times as possible trying to satisfy their desires the wrong way; I am here trying to get “eternally” laid, so that way I wont need to get laid in order to feel satisfied.  Only God can get me eternally laid.

When you find yourself not being able to do something, it means there is a conflict with at least a double fear, the desire to move towards something (or fear of not accomplishing it), and the fear of a limit.  Our lives are surrounded and mainly guided by these boundaries; which is why life looks so shitty at times, is because of the imaginary lines that our mind scribbles on it.

So you may say, “well, this is the world, Im suppose to be satisfied somehow with a world full of neurotic people who dont understand and are afraid to consider death.”  I tell you not to feel so bad towards them, because you are one of them, and how do you know that you are one of them?  because you are also complaining and are not able to live life while considering this.  You may repond by saying that you dont mind at all, but you just are questioning for their sake.  I tell you that its not for their sake if you are searching for your own peace of mind.

There are two flaws that makes one worship idols, that makes one treat a corruptible symbol as God: to believe that what they offer cannot be received from anything else, and to think that you need what they offer in order to live.  I think what I am trying to say in practical terms is: Whitman College has nothing on me; so I am being myself, I dont care if I get kicked out of the whole human realm!  (Now the only problem is remembering that I feel this way).

The message seems simple:

Dont be afraid to use things to your advantage, but dont be afraid of losing your advantage either... But why shouldnt i be afraid of this?... because in the end of things and behind it all, there is no such thing as death.

March 28, 2010

New method... I prayed today, new method is: whatever I am going for, or whatever I want, I consider the opposite, and acccept it... how do I accept? I love it for what it is, I look for the beauty in it,

How do I look for beauty? I use my imagination.  This does not mean that I will choose the opposite, but if I am concerned about choosing it or not, then I havent really accepted it.

So I took my new method out for a test drive, it worked ok until I encountered some dense issue, the difference between these issues and the little things is that I cant think of anything, I cant use my imagination, and it is not necessarily because it is so complicated that I need to consider alot of things, but it is because I am afraid.  It does not take time because it has many fears, but because I am afraid  to move forward, to take a step, I am afraid to even consider such thing in my mind, I am afraid to think about it, to imagine the situation, I dont want to consider it, not in my mind, nor in reality.

I was ordering food at the Reid center and I considered ordering something but then I changed my mind, and I thought, “that was close, I almost ended up with something I didnt want,” but that would be a good?  I realized that it is ok to make decisions without considering them all the way through, if it turns out that I end up in a place where I am not well, it gives me both, the opportunity and the encouragement, to use my imagination to be satisfied with my situation.

But question is still in mind how do I come to accept?  I got all my mail, and as I was going through it I considered this, and I think that what I am suppose to do is see it as a part of me, something that I love, also it helps to consider greater things and the insignificance of what I think the problem is, or seeing my situation as my beloved home... but what do all these aspects (and ones that I am missing) mean?  What is acceptance?

Implied lies:  The reason why people reject things is basically because if they accept it, a lie would be implied by their actions, a certain contradiction that means death of an idea or something.  Since people are taught to not lie, or are taught to a duality between good and evil, or are taught to fear and avoid certain things, they will avoid lying, or things that they fear will cause a lie, a contradiction, or death of an idea.  What God does, or the idea behind Truth is that it shows us that everything is already True, and there is nothing we can do to prove or disprove it, we just have to let it be, we must remember that for every concept we are trying to prove to be true, we are also snatching the place, or taking up room that would be used by another concept, which is, by cause of manifested events, proved false.  The curious thing about lies and rejection is that when people reject an action of some sort is not necessairily because the action itself will cause them to “lie,” but because there is something about the time and place of the action or the situation that implies a lie.  This means that a person may be “convinced” to carry out the action if they were offered the right environment.  The even more curious thing is that the subjects themselves do not know this; and sometimes, even if the environment is presented to them and they carry out an action, they can forget the environment causing them to regret their actions, leaving them “not knowing why they did what they did.”

The more we get to know God, the more we realize how drenched in sin we really are, the more we get to know Truth the more we realize all the lies in this life. Life is Percfect, God is Life; if we are ever a hint below Infinite Joy is because our hearts have been blinded by sin, if we are ever anything besides Completely Free, then we are bound, letting darkness dictate our limits.

It feels silly to think about these things sometimes, but thats the whole point, you feel degraded and disgraced, like you dont want to do it, like you shouldn’t be there; this is the whole reason why you avoid it, you first avoid it in your mind, and then you avoid it in real life, when it comes around.

I tested myself with pain, because its simple, and I kind of did it, slowly inserted a needle into my skin, imaging, accepting into my mind each moment of change.  But now what, what would puncturing my skin with a  needle accomplish?  I realized that what I am trying to analyze its not the pain itself, but the fear I have against the pain.  This is what it is about, crossing boundaries, and loving it, accepting them into your mind, making them part of you.  And once you learn how to love these things that are difficult to love, you will love even more.

Again, what does it mean to accept?  To think of how its beautiful, of how its desirable, to think of how its True and undeniable in Life, in this World.  When we learn what God is, there is no such thing as pain.

Its in my subconscious, I want to stick this in my skin, and scrath my bone with it, I want to stick it in the pupil of my eye, its buried in my mind as an end.  I want to love You, I want to be penetrated where I believe I should not be, for Your sake.  I love You and everything You have for me, God.  Excuse my obsession with this needle, I just do not know where else to look for You.

These beliefs, that make my world such a horrible place to live in, I don’t exchange them for others I dont abandon them, but I keep them in my heart, because I know that I need to learn to love them.

To practice accepting and loving, I need to learn the horrors and fears of everyday life, the high degrees of adrenaline when getting out of bed, and analyze how I overcome them.  Then when I am faced with things that I have always seen as horrible, I can overcome them in the same manner.

Punturing my skin with a needle, for example: why would not I be able to do this?  I have pricked my finger before, accidently of course.  When I do manage to penetrate my skin I take the needle out quick, I guess as a reflex of rubbing off the pain, but when I donate blood I do not get all worked up about that needle being kept under my skin for a couple of minutes.  Needle is a good test because I also believe that it should not have any long-term effects in my life.

And yes, another good testing ground is resisting temptation.

I also realize that I have always seen value in this before, but influence from Whitman culture keeps telling me that I should stay away from things that I naturally find repulsive.  I believe that this repulsion is not a sign from the conscience from the Holy Spirit, but rather a sign from our nature, as sinful beings.  Is it not true? that when God our side we can face even Death itself with fearlessness and pride.  This is the integrity that I search for, to be at peace with Perfection, to Love my God.

Oblivion:  So if all I need to do is analyze the situation in order to accept it, it might mean that the only reason I reject certain situations is because I have not considered them, or analyzed them; I can understand that the process can be made easier if the lowering into the unknown also involves a string of “knowledge” you can trust, to lower you.  But does this mean that my mind “naturally” avoids things that are completely unknown?  If so, how do I accept fallen into complete oblivion? Oblivion, which is where I am actually at, so in other words: how can I accept falling out of my fantasy? How can I accept falling into Reality?

But maybe the reason why I reject the unknown is not because I have a natural tendency to avoid it; I can imagine myself going into an unknown territory, and all I do, if I am not at all insecure, is that I analyze everything, inserting meaning into every detail as if it was the last thing I would ever see, as if it was the first thing I have ever seen.  But of course, this sense of security only comes from the my sense that I can go back to my old territory if anything goes wrong; and in reality, we must realize that this is true, because if anything goes wrong we can always just die, and go back to where we were before we were born.  But alas! we believe that things keep on living when we die, we are afraid to die because we believe that even though we may go back to our old state, the rest of the world will not and when we die, we will still be concerned about the rest of the world, as if it was somehow still part of us though we have no connection with it, and having no control over it to us it means complete oblivion.  In the end, we do not ever establish our home in the non-existant, we do not even trust death to get rid of all our troubles, so we continue to live life in fear.

If you associate the unknown with fear, and you associate fear with avoidance, then you will never learn anything new, unless it catches you off guard your life will always be the same.

But in the end, it is not mere oblivion which we avoid:  If I imagine myself in a state of oblivion in which I have no control about many things that are happening, I feel a mix of many emotions, including great joy for things I am happy about, but also I feel devasted for things that I am terrified about, the only reason I regret not having control over anything is because I cannot fix those things that annoy me, like if a had a sort of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to make things match with my idea of perfection.  But what causes this?  And how can I accept the things that once annoyed me, I keep asking the same thing.  Why do I reject things?

For the sake of others:  I think its because we do not have faith in Truth, I think it may be because we believe that there are others that will not have the desire to Live if Life is such, we may not be necessarily concerned about our own desire to live, but desire to live in general.  We do not fear things ourselves, we just fear that others will fear, and so we fo to extremes to make sure that others will feel comfortable even though what you give is not what they want, but you believe that if you dont give these things, they will want to live less.  I say this because if you imagine a world in which no one else exists, you will find that you feel less apt to judge, and no motivation to do it.

This is why Integrity is important: to be true to yourself in the open, as if no one was watching, to judge not based on the approval of others; when become unconcerned about others you will find that it is easier to just not judge.

So does this mean that one must be selfish?  Not selfish, since you must also not be concerned about yourself, selfishly looking for the approval of others, but you must stand for the Only Being that actually matters in life, the Only Entity, you must be Most considerate to Truth; and no other gods before Him.  Do it all for the sake of God.

Analyze:  when I am angry at someone, and I want to do them wrong, when I search for justice, I am only searching for understanding, I only want them to understand what I am going through, I just want them to understand the pain that they have caused me to experience, and I want to make sure that they know so that they can deliberate their decision based on this truth.  Where this search for understanding goes out of control is out of the fact that the level of acceptance and tolerance comes in different degrees for different people, so that if they do not show me the appropriate level of pity, you will arrange things so that they do.  My end is only that others know Truth, is there a problem with me wanting this?

My problem is that I have no faith in Truth, everything has to go through ME and I must know that others know.  I have no faith that Truth will be known, so I feel a responsibility to make it so, and therefore fears and reject situations.  So should I be at peace when Truth is Unknown, again this is the reality.  How can I accept falling into complete oblivion, falling out of this fantasy, and falling into the fact that I know nothing, how can I accept that Truth is Unknown?

We fear oblivion because we fear that others will be lied to, I just want them to know the Truth, but I cannot tell others the Truth when the fact is that I dont know it myself.  We do not know Truth, and we must understand this, when we understand that Truth is Unknown, we Know Truth.  We must have faith that Truth is Perfect as it is, when we have Faith, we Know Truth.

But I ask this question one last time today... How do we come to accept things that we once rejected?  How can we accept things that do not match our sense of perfection?

Answering this question may help: why do we value a lower sense of perfection?

Its not about physical appearance, but about how good you can make it look with your spirit.

March 26, 2010

What happened to you? You used to be so happy all the time?

I went through a process that people seem to call “growing up.”

I am thinkning about how to not feel remorse towards other people, to not blame them for things that happen or how I live my life, how to be free from their influence.  Im thinkning of the tension I feel towards my co-worker, but really its not her fault.  I am thinking about the dichotomy that gets created when sin comes into our souls, there is only a difference between right and wrong when sin is manifested, there it creates a dichotomy.  In this dichotomy there is a possibility for either good or evil.  My co-worker fell into evil, but she is not to blame, it happens to everybody, it happened to me when I began to feel this tension.  And as I begin to see it as she is not to blame, I feel more free.  If I think that eerything is my fault, I dont worry about blaming others, about thinking if they are right or wrong, I am just concerned about how things turn out for me and how I feel about them.  After all, everything that happens is my fault, there are certain things that are invited by me without my conscious mind knowing, all that is said by the problems I have is that I just need to figure out life, there is more that I need to learn.  It is my fault that she does not understand, everything that happens is a reflection of my deepest desires, everything outside of me is influence my the details of how I move the way I feel, the chemicals that my body eminates, the color of the aura that surrounds my spirit.  Since I have no one to blame, the fact that I cant blame anyone for my failures says that I depend on no one, since I depend on no one there is no way in which I am in debt to no one, I am responsible for my own actions; now let me take responsibility.

March 20, 2010

“GOD THE MEANING” SECTION

God iss sipirt. Spirit is meaning? literal interpretation of the Bible... Nicodemus, “how can one go back into the womb of his mother and be born again.”  Nicodemus’s sense of interpretation is flawed.  His kingdom is spiritual. 

Incredulity-  why is there no youth in modern day, whho follow Jesus, example my mother. every thing is true, hoow can two people look at the same thing  but see something completely different,  if you dont believe, it doesnt matter what is shown to you, you will not be convinced, your mind can take evidence and give support or justify the sensation that says that what you want to believe is right.. you must believe to see, with faith, you will see, ye everything is true.  And God is Truth and God is everything, Sin is what blindness comes in that God is real, we do not see God, but we are stil able to have faith.

March 5, 2010

I see it:

this morining I sensed my professor treating me nicer than she used to, it all played well in my head, another professor came to see us, he observed my attempt to participate and noticed my prof, discouraging me (unconsciously of course) called her out on it, and now she is nicer now.  But this could all just be in my head, it is very possible that some, or all, of these things were never true.  In analyzing these possiblities, I assumed that it was true that there was in fact some tension between the prof and me, and so my body responded appropriately in accordance with the tension. But then I assumed that it wasnt true that the other professor had talked to her or said anything about me.  But as I had faith that it had happened my facial expressions may have expressed no tension, and also my mind may not have bothered to emphasize the features on the prof’s face to make me think that there was a tension.

Giving people an omen to guide their vision: This says something interesting about the world, that there need not be an explanation or anything in our level of truth and justice in order for things to be resolved, our world is full of illusions and irrelevancies, we put these irrelevancies  on the throne of Truth so that we need to get things resolved with the same level of illusion.  We need to see in order to believe, even though it is true that we shouldnt value our senses this much since they apparently yhey can be fooled over and over again.  My point is that I was satisfied about the “tension” by seeing and interpreting something in a certain way, it all has to do with what I think, and I dont even believe that what I think is true, but my minds fantasy has created for itself a satisfaction. I am thinking more of the terms of the following... So in the end, if someone casts wrongful accusations on you, there is no point in proving your innocence; really, anybody could come up with a very good excuse for any wrong they have done so that others can sympathize and consider him innocent.  The way that the justice system seems to work in this world of sin is that if one can argue enough sympathy into the minds of others then they are innocent, if they dont have such skill, so that they are not understood, they are guilty; therefore the guilty are always only misunderstood, and/but the misunderstood are typically (not always) looked upon with suspicion and disdain.  In this sense, the way that our sinful justice system works is indeed that we destroy (or cast out) the things that we do not understand (as mentioned by Otep in “blood pig”).  These things that we do not understand, are to some degree or direction that it confuses us to the point that we do not know how it should exist and therefore believe that it shouldnt exist, resulting in us trying to rid and prevent its existence.  Since all these collected perceptions are caused by illusions we can only settle them by either acknowledging the fundemental Truth and Greatness of God, or by countering them with other illusions (which is our cultures version of truth), or by what we call justifying ourselves or revealing our innocence by proving our lack of movement in our trangression rather than proving our lack of trangression in our movement.

This means that in order to settle tensions in the world, one doesnt need to look for justice and truth.  They just need to allow the others understand that the fantasy that they crave is realized.  Or in other words, they just need to be told a story that gives them the right.  Whether its true or not it doesnt matter, just as long as they see something that satisfy their craving; this does not, however, solve the sin, as the potential for tension still exists.  True Justice is Eternal, and people that demand anything else than knowing the Truths of God are only demanding worldly justice (to satisfy their fantasy illusion), rather than Godly Justice (that follows from their understanding that they need not feel wronged).

What matters and the values that the media portrays about arrogance and being a disgrace if you are fooled makes us want to make conclusions about things so that we are not comfortable with letting things go, until we have settled them.

What I have learned from experiences like these is that even though these suspcions might be true, it really isnt a good idea to focus and act upon suspicions even if they are true, not only are they pointless, but they are also fleeting, so that a person can deny to their death the possibility of their flaw, and it would be true for a simple reason that you should think about, fleeting.

Planting happiness: get the feeling, plant it in places as you go through them in your mind.

March 3, 2010

ME!: hekki

BUZZ!!!

annairaiscool: ialughakhf

annairaiscool: no!

annairaiscool: si!

annairaiscool: maybe?

ME!:

ME!: ???

annairaiscool: oh nada.. waht is hekki?

ME!: qarsyi

ME!: gekko

ME!: hello

ME!: typing in the dark

annairaiscool: hahahah

annairaiscool: oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

ME!: wat u think it meant?

ME!: hickey?

annairaiscool: i dont even know...

annairaiscool: nah.. i thot you were just writing random things

annairaiscool: thats why i went like...

annairaiscool: laksjdhflkajhdg

ME!: yea?

annairaiscool: yea

ME!: oh

ME!: You got a little brown on your nose there sweetie

ME!:

ME!: y?

ME!: im horny

ME!: but me also got homework...

ME!: which should I do first?

annairaiscool: you should do your homework first

ME!: and then?

ME!:

ME!: I should sell

ME!: When your IQ reaches 50, you should sell!

annairaiscool: no

ME!: im srry,,

ME!: im doing it again

annairaiscool: doin what?

ME!:

annairaiscool: haha

ME!: you dont exiiiist...

annairaiscool: yes i do!

ME!: i want you to exist but im not lettin you

ME!: cuz im afraid of you???

ME!: WHY WOULD I BE AFRAID OF YOU?/

annairaiscool: idk?

ME!: i think its cuz yoou would be lying

ME!: or maybe cuz, i wold be stupid

ME!: idk

ME!: I bet yu are a really awesome person

ME!: i bet you are AMAZINGGGG!

ME!: i bet you would blow my mind

ME!: but you dont exist to me...

ME!: and I am also sorry

annairaiscool: why dont i exist?

annairaiscool: and why are you sorry?

ME!: the answer to both: because I only think you are what I think you are...

ME!: and im not really appreciating all those little details that mean life and eternal truth, that come from the little head, that seems small only because its so far away from mine... but that is no reason to ignore the wonder that comes from you

ME!: TEACH ME ANNIAIRA!!!

ME!: teach me your wayyssss!!!

annairaiscool: what ways?

ME!: woooww

ME!: yes just like that

ME!: TEAch me to Love you like you love...

annairaiscool: like i love?

ME!: dont hide from me, I will not get angry anymore...

ME!: I just want you to liiiiiiiveeee

ME!: why dont you live in here

ME!:

ME!: why dnot you dwell in my heart

ME!: why I am incomplete without you..

ME!: I am hopeless

ME!: I wish I loved you, but for some reason I am afraid

ME!: and I dont know how to trust you

ME!: I can only dream now

ME!: but the bliss of dreams is that they are incomplete

annairaiscool: wow.. i like the last line..

annairaiscool: but.. how can you be soo happy when you're dream is incomplete?!

ME!: exactly,

ME!: I am not really happy without you

ME!: please come back

ME!: somewhere in my mind, I left you behind

ME!: as with other corruptions that were manifested in my childhood

ME!: as I first began to live, as I slowly began to die

ME!: I locked you up...

ME!: this is a calling to my beloved

ME!: that whom I have feared... please come back to me

ME!: and torment me until I fall in love with you again

ME!: where are you Arianna?

ME!: I love you...

ME!: I want you to come out...

annairaiscool: fall inlove with me?? huh?

ME!: and not listen to me when I tell you to please hide again

ME!: but walk towards me softly (or as you would like)

ME!: to show me, how beautiful you truly are

ME!: so I can gaze upon you, and not have a choice but either to die

ME!: or to love you for what you are

ME!: help me God...

ME!: Arianna...

ME!: as your name flows from my breath, it is luxuriant with an eternal meaning, that would grant me the wish of every living being,,,

ME!: Arianna..

annairaiscool: whoa man..

ME!: your essence is truly ever-present, the truth that hides behind your facet, this mask I have made for you to wear... but truly, you are my deepest desire

ME!: and no where can I look, without seeing your face,

ME!: that face so soft and brilliant, that no angel can match

annairaiscool: is this from a book or something?

ME!: but though I see you everywhere, I close my eye, the one of my heart...

ME!: because I am corrupted, because I am a coward, I am afraid Arianna, I am sorry...

annairaiscool is typing a message.

annairaiscool: ?

ME!: when you asked me if it was from a book, it made me laugh a little.. and I lost focus

ME!: lol

ME!: I still love you tho

annairaiscool: ok.. ? haha. im still confused about everything haha.

ME!: Im going to nap a while...

ME!: but Ill try to dream with you...

ME!: please come into my dreams, ok?

annairaiscool: whoa! ok ok... you think its possible?... lets see if we can dream of eachother!! haha. i just wana see if it's possoble.

annairaiscool: *possible

annairaiscool: no?

annairaiscool: ..... fine!

annairaiscool: haha.

ME!: nooooo

ME!: please say yes

annairaiscool: yes

annairaiscool: lets try it out!!

ME!: I jus... yes

ME!: we will!

annairaiscool: ok

ME!: no doubt in my mind

ME!:

annairaiscool is typing a message.

annairaiscool: haha ok cool.

So I was taking a shower in the dark, I think it was a suite mate that turned the light off on me because she may not be used to having people going in to take a shower while she is doing her business, anyways, so I liked the experience, although I havent had the guts to do it before, but now I was like, more encouraged to do it.  So I was taking a shower in the dark, “my eyes should have been accustommed by now, why cant I still see anything?” as soon as I asked that question, bloom, objects appeared, and so I wondered, how does this fucking work?! I even begin to see things in my eyes, those shapes and things of colors, my imagination, I loved it, but it doesnt happen automatically, sad.  So then after a while when I was ready to get out, I shut the hot water and into the cold, and I resisted a while, but the times that I decided to accept it differently than what I was doing? Breathing heavy, tensing my muscles, but I just relaxed and also my breath, and it felt like another world, a long time in the shower like that reminded me of a time, it gave me a sensation from a time in which the world was what it was, and I feared none of it, no matter what it was, I could not judge right from wrong, what is mine from what is fleeting, so there was nothing I could fear, and now everything was more beautiful than I had paid attention to.  This is how I experience a little bit of love, and I have described it as openning my eyes, because I feel how I notice more things.  I have connected it so much with opening my eyes metaphor, that when I am having trouble summoning it when I want to it LITERALLY feels like I am blind, and it feels like I cant open my eyes...  as I shut off the water the awkward rythm of the drippings kind of creeped me out, and “woke me up” (or better put, knocked me out), of my state gradually.  “Why couldnt I accept the drippings the same way I accepted the cold?  I guess cuz I connect the sound sense more with my ‘conscious state of mind’, unlike my feeling sense.”

I was concerned about somebody walking in and finally noticing that I was taking a shower in the dark, I told myself, maybe it already happened... it could be “one of those things where you either let it happen, or you dont let it happen because you want to know that it happens if it does.”

As I was walking here after class I was asking myself, about things happening because they are buried inside of you, but the only thing you have to do, is not face each one, but, build something that will face them as they come so that they seem to never happen, and thats enough to clean up your essence, because the reason that it is inside you even if it hasnt manifested itself in an outside event, is because the potential is still there, and even though, the chance has not come, it is bound to happen when the environment is right... but if you build something that takes care of it as they come, then there is no potential for it to manifest itself, not my altering the environment, but by altering yourself (and actually encouraging the environment to call up these situations from you so that what you have built will take care of them) but if there is no chance that it will happen then you have built something that takes care of it all... but the sad part is that how will you know that you have built the best? You can be in denial subconsciously, and this is scary.