February 17, 2010

I am looking at this girl in class, I did not sit close to her, I didnt really think about it but there were conflicting motivations, I wanted to sit closer because she is a girl, then I didnt want to get to close because it may make her uncomfortable.  Now this doesnt happen too consciously, but even though it looks like I move with confidence, like I make sure decisions, there is hesitation on each side, pushing me both ways.  Every person in this classroom, has their own laws, which conflict with each other resulting into their manifested fate.  Every thing I do, I cant go back and correct, I cant pretend it never happened, it will certainly not be the same, but the many best is always at hand, by God’s mercy.  Now that I didnt sit close to her, I want to makee up for it by looking, but I shouldnt feel obligated to do it, I should always just let it flow, then everyone else who does not do it either, may get jealous... is it my fault? Should I not show what I am? I am trying to be honest, but they give me these laws.  Whenever I am afraid to do something I am pretending to be something I am not, I am hiding my intentions;  I want to expose who I am but they tell me that I shouldnt exist.

The laws restrict, when they are enough of them (bindings), one is not able to move, in any direction, because of fear, because of the laws that should not be broken.  Paralyzed by fear because of the unknown:  In epistemology class the proff said that if we admitted to ourselves that we did not know anything, we would be left paralyzed, but this fear is not the result of not knowing, but the result of thinking that we know the result of acting in the unknown; but we shouldnt fear the unknown, we should be astonished, inspired by it; then we realize that the unknown is ever present, we are always acting in the unknown.

February 9, 2010

I was feeling okay today, even though my group from philosophy class wanted me out of the group cuz I hadnt done anything.  Like if I never took six bullets for my whole group.  Anyways, I was completely okay with it, until the professor “talked” to me about it, he told me that I had to do it on my own now, and that from the other two group assignments, he was going to drop my highest grade.  I had an excuse, but I didnt think of it at the time, I was as responsible as everybody else in there was, there were only two meetings, the one where I was the only one to show up, and the one where everybody showed up except me, the one where the drafts were assigned, I missed that one meeting, I tried to make contact with them, they told me whatever, not to worry... and now the prof just thinks I’m irresponsible.  I didnt mind them doing that, but the prof giving penalties for not “getting the ball along” in the group makes me think that he thinks its my fault.  And thats what I had a problem with it.

I wrestled with that idea, I was sad, I didnt want to fix the problem though (I could have just told him what was on my mind, and let him decide on those terms), I wanted to change myself.  With every problem I have, there is an opportunity for me to love, and with these opportunities, I have opportunities to analyze how I begin to love.  But I felt bad after class, druing and after my next... what was I suppose to realize? In what way was I suppose to think about this case?

                So there was the feeling again, sadness, the intruder now seems like a stranger, I dont want to do anything else until I let it out.  I thought about, I was trying to tell myself that I should be thankful for my blessings instead... (didnt work)... I tried to tell myself to get over it because they just dont understand, they didnt mean it, its just the way they grew up that makes them act like that, they just dont understand... my negative emotion was flooding over to my groupmates, instead of the situation that caused it in the first place, and I noticed, so I focused again on the problem, the problem is the prof knowing the truth... I just think that decisions should be made based on the facts we know, and if I know something and I keep it to myself, I am doing wrong. So I was concerned that I was holding in vital information about a decision, so my problem is that I cant stand keeping secrets? Unfairness? People being too afraid to speak for the life of another?  I was trying not to be concerned about this, then I thought of a case where I thought it was okay to conceal the truth... when it was funny.  But this was preposturous, if I thought it okay to conceal truth only when its funny, but who am I to decide when something is funny or not? If this was the answer, then my judgement is ridiculous... I kept thinking.  About 5 minutes before work I was taking a piss and I was thinking about, pursuing what I want, I should never want somehting like this, what was my problem?  Why do I have this desire?  If I shouldnt have deisres then why was I in college?  How would I lead my life?  Shouldnt I want life over death??  Well, I should want life over death, but I shouldnt feel bad if I dont get to live... I mean just imagine if you were never born.  And this I found the answer.

                Its okay to want things, and you should pursue whats best for you, but you shouldnt feel bad if you dont get it.  Because everything is a gift from God, he could have given you nothing at all, and you would get no answer, but he gave you life, and a chance to appreciate all these things you do.  And yes, you should want whats best, you should keep wanting more and more life, but do not forget that what you have now, is given, and thus you should not demand a thing from the Giver.  You should think that you SHOULD have something, you should not think that you have rights to certain things, your rights are what is given to you, for the length of time that is given.  Remember this and continuously thank the Lord for your blessings.  Want life, but realize that He could always just had left you non-existant, rejoice of the abundance, and of the lack... there is no such thing. (Hud 11:9)

Oh and by the way, the music girl from september 10, 2009 lives in my suite.

February 8, 2010

Call to freedom, call to freedom is the answer, going against what you desire to claim back the authority that your desires have taken from you.  To miss the deadline of your debts and not let it affect you.

I have found so many answers on how to love, but the thing is that I dont remember, not that I havent solved the problem, but that I forget the solution.

So I need to find an elixir for memory, how would it be? Excellent transcendant memory fill?

That you remember absolutely everything, as if you had never forgotten anything; not in the sense that now you have remembered everything you have forgotten, but in the sense that everything you have done in your life, is because you have always remembered.  This shows truly the will of God working in our lives. Through the knows-all, His will is done. 

February 7, 2010

Im going crazy today, discovering, going through varieties and rushes of emotions Ive never felt before.  I am in so many worlds, I am so many people.  I was thinking the answer to life was infinite interpretations, so I felt every emotion I could possibly find and that was an interesting experience.  I felt a sense of freedom seeping in, because I accepted that anything could happen, and there was nothing I could do about it, I dont want to try and control Reality, no, please just happen; bless me God, with complete Life.

                I thought about a situation, where I felt that there was no way out, and when I was caught, I had gone insane with fear, like if I had seen a ghost, that is us everyday when we reject everything else that is happening in this life.  I wondered what caused us to move into a different persona to be able to stay alive and cope with what we will not accept into our normal persona.  I study how it would be to be in this spot: when I am in a spot where I feel like there is no evading the horror, I try to think of the possibilities and think about how I will deal with this inevitability, I mean, what else can I do? So I just move forward with it, instead of becoming paralyzed.  Instead of sitting there in complete fright dreading the terrifying present, instead of being completely trapped and closed within this current event, I try to think of the outside world, and how it will change, and why it will bad and why may it be good.  So maybe this is the answer, to think forward.  When I woke up this afternoon, I was immersed in thought, as soon as I got out of bed, I headed for the laptop to turn the music on, and I felt my muses leaving me, not there, empty... why did this happen? I think its because I started thinking in terms of doing, I know what to expect, and I know the end of my actions, instead of terms of wondering.  So I think that the difference between open and closed mind, is that when I think about what I already, and how things should go, I am not thinking about how it could be.  When I think about what is known, I leave out anything that may be Unknown.  And whatever I dont know, does not take part in my life, no surprises, the same everyday, strict given results.  When I was a child, probably fourth grade I came up with “if you think what you know is interesting, just think about everything else that you do NOT know.”

               

Is this life really about trying to live the longest span of time?

February 5, 2010

 I listening to Tsunami Bomb’s “Epic”.. and wondering why I always felt alone, when I know understand exactly what she is talking about, but I didnt think anybody thought the same, or at a large scale.  When everyword makes sense, then you know that you understand the message.  Why have I always felt alone in this idea?

if u thnk ur alone, listen: u'll hear sum1 tht thnks da same foolish thing; if u dnt hear any1, its becuz ur not speaking up either..

its suppose to explain why people feel like nobody understands them.

                So Im checking out this girl in my class, and I guess Im just horny right now, because I think she is hot enough to be a porn star and I cant stop looking at her, and I just wish I could “express” it.  Now this expression is what I am paying attention to; because when I fantasize, and when I actually negotiate to decide what course of action I would take to satisfy this “desire”.  I wish I could throw her a note tat said, “you are hot enough to be a pornstar,” and that she would take the COMPLIMENT (and I do mean it as a compliment, I dont feel like it is anything that she needs to change about herself but I just want to tell her that she is awesome the way she is, but I am also concerned about telling her this because she may not take it as a compliment), oh how perfect my world would be if I tossed her that note and saw a smile on her face as she read it, I would feel so complete.  So now I am thinking of alternative ways to tell her how hot she is, without “offending her.” Well maybe I could develop a relationship with her, to get her trust and explain to her that I really do not mean to offend her when I tell her this.  So I would have to let her get to know how vulgar I am, that I do honestly think that this comment should be a compliment.  So then I think... “so I want to develop a relationship with her, and let us get to know each other, for the simple purpose of telling her that she is hot enough to be a pornstar, comfortably? Is this my soul purpose to having relationships with people? I mean, I have admitted before, indeed, that when I want to go out with a girl I just basically want to tell her, to reassure her that she is beautiful, (because there is so much low self-esteem issues these days with people thinking that they are too fat or not good enough for any member of the opposite sex to look at them), and that she is beautiful enough for me to spend time with her, and beautiful enough to make me want to stick my toungue inside her mouth... I mean, how much more beautiful can you get? So me getting into relationships with girls is just to convey this fact. “  And then I think of the courses of action I would resort to in place of something as simple as telling her and having her believe honestly and say “thank you”, how could I make the understanding of this message happen?  I would stare at her, and let her catch me a little, I would probably talk to her, I would probably ask for her number (to tell her that she is pretty enough to make me ask for her number, at least), I would ask her to be my girlfriend... if I cant still use words I would probably do whats more comfortable and grope her (with consent of course), since I am trying to convey a message.. not just  get what I want, but I want it because I want to express to someone (other than her?) that i want it (but this is another subject).  I would have sex with her?  Now I wouldnt do any of this to keep what I have left of my virginity, but I fantasize this as a means to communicate something to her; and as to the case of raping her... depending in which directions my “will” fights my “desire”, I am tryiing to communicate something to society, or to myself in relation to society, or to my friends, etc.

All I want to do, with all my actions, is express a truth; my actions are the way that I let messages out, if I could find a way to convey a message successfully, to reassure this girl that I think she is superhot!, (btw class is over and I am sitting in the classroom alone typing this), I would be satisfied with that

There are people that say: even if you tell her, what if she says “okay, so you say you want to stick your tongue inside me, but I want you to actually do it.” This does not mean that it is not enough to convey the message only, (but that the desire to take part in the action is still there)... I think of how I sometimes when I know that someone thinks I am hot, I lose concern for them, or like I just want to know if someone WOULD do some dirty stuff with me, and that knowing is enough for me to forget the matter... which is the reason why I watch demented pornography because I just want to make sure that there are girls out there who think the same way I do.  So when someone wants to “actually do something” is because the message has not been conveyed...

And this leads to a more comprehensive revelation, that everything we do, is to express a message, to reassure the world that something exists when they think we think they think they dont.  Every desire could be explained in terms of this somehow.  In a way, the our actions and desires, are to prove something to society, in this way our desires and desire for certain actions are dictated by society.  Learn this, open your eyes and remove yourself from necessity, Allah awaits.

Ipicked my nose while lying down, after dreaming of donig dirty things with one of my ex’s... I felt the blood run down the inside of my nose, and I thoughtof how I am allowing it to drip down that way, and how it is liquid, and it doesnt bother me.  So I think, if it was water it would bother me, why? Because it is a different substance? Because it is a different temperature? If it was anything, it wouldnt bother me if I accepted it.  If I had Love, it wouldnt bother me if it was toxic acid.  And so I thought about what would a world be like.. and so I remembered asking myself once, if we are not suppose to scratch off our scabs, why do they itch? If we are not suppose to pick at them, why do I have this urge to pick at them? I thouhght of these questions because I thought about why I picked my nose.  Now I know that the itches and the urges to pick off things that are not completely attached, are urges, and therefore should not be listened to.  As I said before, urges, fears, desires, are all unnatural; this urge to pick off things that are not completely detached probably comes from an unnatural conditioning from the value that our society puts in “shaving off loose particles,” we do that while we clean things, while we vacuum, anything if it has anything loose, anything that if we do not know when it may fall off or detach, then it is not perfect.  Animals have a “natural tendency for these things, why do you think that cats pounce after butterflies? Its because they have an urge to “clean things up” from their field of vision; animals never decide to ignore their urges, they do not free themselves from sin and idolatry and so they never learn Truth; their circumstance leads them into scratching themselves to death (they have linked sensations with unrelated courses of action), rats fall into mousetraps, since their craving is more overwhelming than the warning of death.  Their subconscious, which knows better than the conscious, is not making the decisions here.  Unless the give up hope and decide that they will not listen to their urges, but then after they are saved, they go back to their usual lifestyle.  And that, my son, is why we scratch the itch; so forget that little fairy tale that your mother told you.

Then I thought about how picking my nose lead me to think about all of this.  My subconscious probably knew that it would lead to this, me allowing it, me thinking about it, the thought of it leading to another, and so on and so on...  and it makes me think, “well why cant you just tell me everything, dear subconscious?” and then I get the thought of something else happening, a situation that do not focus on or think about it, but instead, I get angry at it, I do not listen.  The reason why my subconscious doesnt tell me, is because I end up not listening, because we think that what it says is wrong.  People do this all the time, when you think that someone is doing wrong, and you express it so that they know, they stop doing it, at least around you... when someone tells you something that you do not want to believe, you refute it, or tend to ignore it.  Who knows how much I am ignoring at the moment, how much I am lying to myself.

It sounds easy doesnt it...

all we have to do is talk,

something so simple...

but in our minds it becomes the hardest battle of all

to reveal our sin, it can cost our lives, what we hold on to

even the hardest criminals and trained soldiers are weak in this sense

……………………………………………………………………

10:34 PM

Mental Patient:

its a philosophical fight within the battle for the meaning of Life...

the enemy holds us down,

we hide the truth

……………………………………………………………………

10:36 PM

Mental Patient:

the proud: their smirks are gone, the tough: their eyes get teary when they realize

that they have not taken over the world

when they realize that they are not in control of their lives as they thought

……………………………………………………………………

10:37 PM

Dαìsγ:

im blank..(:

……………………………………………………………………

10:37 PM

Mental Patient:

its okay, I jsut need somewhere to type

dont want to open a word document takes too long

and my thoughts fade with time

……………………………………………………………………

10:38 PM

Dαìsγ:

yes ur writing is realy nice to read(;

……………………………………………………………………

10:38 PM

Mental Patient:

thnx ur sweet..

do you understand?

the prophet declares our need to confess...

with confession comes freedom

but we are all afraid of the ghost, the lie that clouds our minds making for us a false reality

overwhelming

……………………………………………………………………

10:40 PM

Dαìsγ:

u should be a poet or a writer

ur words get attention

……………………………………………………………………

10:41 PM

Mental Patient:

a beacon he says to be

it takes letting go of life to lay it on the line

it takes risking it all

his invitation, is inspiring

but his fear brings may bring his demise

Daisy:its a response to this song

"Jack and Ginger" by from autumn to ashes

……………………………………………………………………

10:46 PM

Mental Patient:

he works against his will, strength against his fear, more daring than those who risk their earthly lives, as daring as those who risk earthly eternal life...

……………………………………………………………………

10:47 PM

Mental Patient:

ok done!

how are you?

……………………………………………………………………

10:47 PM

Dαìsγ:

ohh i sha'll listen to this ginger song u say

“The end to lies must come... this is the end to lies.” He says as he strives for greatness.  You feel the pain he bears, as he gets ready to confess; this pain, it is not physical, it is not obvious, so people deny its value.  The pain he bears comes from him ripping open his mental self to pour out something that exists in all of us, but has never been seen outside, exposed.  Its painful, but the reason why the rose decides to go through the painful process of blooming is because there comes a time when staying closed is more painful than opening up, the idea of death can be too painful for living beings.  And to avoid it, he lives.. he lives so forcefully that it seems like insanity.  Once a living being has been truly inspired by the Verb, he cannot hold still; once one realizes what its like to be alive, he will not resort to death, in any form.

February 4, 2010

This Monday, Intervarsity staff told me in large group that to love, I must realize how much I am loved.  This made senses in a way.  The symbol of my freedom should be life itself, to realize that I am allowed to do anything in this life, that I am loved by it in this sense.

So Im trying to figure out how to love. I think Ive written about what this means but in case I didnt I will put it in other words.  To love is to be okay with anything that comes up in my life.  I theorize that the reason why I am not walking through walls and seeing the future is because I would be afraid of these things, to find out that I cannot count on the laws of physics.  My biggest fear may seem to be from death, but even when people are about to die, they are still concerned about worldly things.  This concern is what I am trying to get rid of.  But even if I am not concerned about anything right now, there are still things saved up in my subconscious, that when they do come up, its a whole new level of fear which I have not considered.  I need to consider these things somehow.

So what happens when I love?  I am suppose to accept anything that comes my way.  The way I would do this is to place no value on anything in my life, so that I owuld be able to let go of it.  This is why I didnt write in my diary when I thought about it, because I was trying to let go of the value I place in it.

(Unwritables): certain types of unwritables mentioned somewhere else:  where there are no words? When the writing capacity is lost? When one does not want to write about it.  I considered these along time ago when I wondered why I couldnt find anything like what I was thinking (maybe it was just that I didnt want to look, but these are still possible).

But these things have to be real and at the moment, and unconditional.  Example:  I am not afraid to get kicked out of college... (so I think I have my college covered), but then I know I wouldnt give up college at will.  In other words, I would only be okay with giving up college with the condition that I know that I tried my hardest to stay.  Example 2: I should not be afraid to get kicked out of college... (so then I try to think of a reason why to love and not reject this possibility), but then I think, because I have faith that God would get me into another college.  This example is wrong because I am not accepting just not going to college even though I think I am okay with the possibility of something going wrong, I am not okay with it, because I am only okay with it with the condition that God has a replacement for me.

So how am I suppose to be okay with these things?  The only thing I came up with is to pretend that I was about to die and lose everything.  When one does this it seems to be like the only thing with value is satisfying “natural” desires, that wouldnt be good because then I would start raping and stuffing myself with sweets.  But if I think about even satisfying these is not worth it.  And when one realizes this, they become open to everything, every possibility, and every event in their life (that they have deliberately rejected and forgotten), but when they come to accept everything once they realize this about life, that all of this is really not worth anything, when they accept everything.  They accept and remember absolutely everything that they have ever experienced; complete acceptance.  I bet it would be beautiful to die, to realize that I do not have to hold on to the values of this world anymore, to just let go, to let go of the laws.  Something truly supernatural has to happen in order for you to leave your body like this; a transfiguration, it wont happen unless you accept its possibility.

A friend says:

Hey

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

how are you been?

A friend says:

Good

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

are you married yet?

A friend says:

Why would i be married yet

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

you said you were getting married...

A friend says:

Im not

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

engaged?

A friend says:

Nope

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

wat haappened?  were you kidding?

A friend says:

No he cheated

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

with who? how do you feel?

A friend says:

Terrible

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

well, I had to break up with my girlfriend because she is retarded, and whitman college doesnt allow me to go out with retarded people...

A friend says:

What?

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

normal people are retarded, this whole thing.. she isnt even tha bad.. she understands things, is just that people treat her retarded..

... evrbdy treats hr lik she s crazy cus she is legally retarded, but she isnt bad, u knw? lik wat if evryone treted u as f u wer crazy

nd da way I c evry1 treat her is lik: stpid, thy treat her lik a jew. they r da retrded 1s 4 thnkn dat she is retardd lik that. jst msndrstd

A friend says:

I Am though

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

u retarded? really? or is it that people keep telling u that u ar, so that they convince u.. ur not crazy, if only different

A friend says:

Im crazy and different because im not afraid to be myself

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

we take pride in that name... but the truth is that we are only outcasts, does not mean that we are less sane than society

A friend says:

Ya

~*XOXOXO*~

your name here says:

no

1234

yes what?

if u honestly just described yourself, then I love u more than you think...

February 3, 2010

What is Sin:

Sin is Corruption,

When the Fallen One, the father of lies gave us a desire that we could not satisfy:

To worship the corruptible as if it was eternal, to try and raise ourselves as if we were gods.  All of this is in us, we try to keep our identity constant with our miniscule beliefs about the Reality.  This is the same sin that drove Lucifer out of heaven, and into darkness, trying to achieve the impossible.

                What is Impossible:

The things that we tend to think are impossble are usually not, but because of our sin we treat something possible as if it was impossible, because of what we fear we treat the corruptible as if it was eternal.  Impossible are those things that contradict themselves in their elemental meaning: The Eternal cannot be corrupted, and Ultimate Infinity cannot be surpassed, God is not affected by anything we do; The corruptible does not last forever, indeed it does not last at all, it lasts so little that it does not even seem to have ever existed, that lies in question.  It is impossible for the corruptible to last, because in its most basic meaning, if something is corruptible, it does not last.

                What is Sin:

Sin is when we make ourselves gods to worship out of the corruptible, when we try to form the Eternal with our own hands.  Sin is when we try to hold on to things that are fleeting, when we yearn for the existence of things that are fading away (in our conscious [minds] and in our subconscious [hearts]).  Sin is when we try to Eternalize something corruptible, when we try to keep the same something thats constantly changing, when we try to keep alive something thats constantly dying,  when we are afraid of the Will of God, this is Sin.