September 30, 2009

I didnt think it was necessary at first,

but I am trying too think of last semester's

situation in the eyes of others...  what would I have done in their place.

I have thought alot about it, and what I have derived seems like an ass-kiss conclusion.

But I really wonder that this may be my difference:

I am usually attracted to things I dont like,

but when it comes to other people,

I am repelled by OTHERS not liking me,

and so I end up naturally developing negative feelings towards them,

but even if I dont like them, I am not attracted by them out of consideration.

So what things did I do, to ensure that someone who was selfless and considerate, and that WOULD get along with me, would be able to settle terms with me?

I remember I sat alone everyday at lunch, no one bothered to sit with me.  Maybe they felt threatened, or maybe they felt like if I didnt want their company, like if I would reject them.  What if I saw someone like me do that?  I am sure I would approach me specially if I had all the confidence my friends could give me, but not these guys, they dont get out of their circle once they have it.  Some one would have to be pretty high energy to do something like that, and I guess I am ever the only one, with that kind of energy.  It would be different for those who were not from my hall, I would not feel as much responsibility, they are disregarded, and forgiven.  Unless I interacted with them, and even then they avoided me or did not bother to greet me, and if I had never greeted a person who now I could see that they had a problem, I would not feel worthy to talk to them.  And I would not have accepted easily talking to someone who talked to me only when it was obvious that I had a problem;  so this situation is cleared.  So I would at least greet them, that is something I would do, to someone I have interacted with before,  I kept an eye on those who were used to greeting me, and I would accepted them talking to me; I was open to these, but did I ever give them a chance?  I even took the initiative to talk to a girl from my hall, which I thought she was ok with me, she told me nothing was wrong, I hung out in her room for a while too.  She never bothered to interact with me afterwards, she didnt feel like she needed to.  I also wanted to talk to a girl from my hall, but she was sleepy, I think I would have sacrificed sleep if someone like me, all of a sudden came to my room like that, maybe it wasnt so “surprising” for her (she sure seemed like the kind of person who would be), so the conclusion that I am going with is that, she didnt want to talk to me, or didnt care,... she didnt ask me the next day, if there was something I wanted to talk about, or if I had came into her room at night like that, it was totally her turn to make the move, if it really interested her, and I guess it didnt.  [Im starting to get the idea that I would have gotten along ok with these people but I held high standards for what would have been mediocre friends.]  I also hung out at the lounge alone, and it was perfect for those who really wanted to, to approach me.  I did that alot, and I noticed that when I was in the lounge, nobody else would come in. And those who did, preffered to have least possible interaction with me.  I think I made myself seem approachable enough for them to invite me somewhere for something, I would not have turned down anything.  I think this one perosn would have been fit for this, at least right after I talked to her about me thinking that everyone was mad at me (even her), she said she wasnt, but she never tried to interact with me after that, so (even if it might not be true) it would make sense to think that her lack of not caring what I thought about everyone being mad at me, was to show me that I was right, and that everyone is indeed mad at me, and thinks I am weird, so not only is she not confronting me about it, she is reinforcing it in me by not trying to take care of me in that aspect, she is saying “and what”.

If they were ever just friendly and shy with no negative feelings towards me, really: Its kind of like they expected me to make every kind of initiative, they already had their friends, so there is no reason for them to bother with me.  Until of course, I expressed my dissatisfaction full force, but that meant my grace period was over.  I was not going to take any pity or friendship from anybody based solely on this reason, those who were allowed to approach me, were those who had been ok with me before. of course I would not completely rejected the others, I would just make it harder for them, to show them that they couldnt do shit to be nice to me after they had been selfish all this time.