September 11, 2009

Music class again, a girl sits beside me, we both got here early this time, only me and her, “were here early”, she said, as she noticed we weer the only ones in class.  There was no one else so I talked, I asked her if she knew how the quiz was going to be like, she told me,her voice was deep type, she gave off a psychotic look, like the kind that makes you think of someone insane. I asked her if she was a music major, she said maybe. Usually, undecided students are first or second year, I asked her what year she was, sophomore, but she took a year off.  She  said maybe she wanted  to major in studio art, drawing charcoal etc.   I thought I shouldnt mind the look she gave off, its the same look I would give too a stranger if I was at a place like whitman,  She wrote a name, big letters in her notebook, Joe Wheeler, I wanted to ask her about it, she probably wanted me to notice it. She draws, flowers and an elephant, which I expect to forget.  I think she is beautiful.  I have always done this since I was in preschool, since I remember, I just like girls.

I remember I had a conversation with Crystal about being at whitman, I told her that I wasnt where I wanted to be, I told her that I wanted to get away, and now in another state I  wasnt satisfied, even though I was somewhere else in the eyes of others, to me I was still “here”.  And how could I get out of “here”? I would have to get out of myself, out of my mind? I would have to be somewhere that I am not.  I thought about it, and realized I was always where I was, and where I wanted to go, was somewhere I wasnt.  After a while, I learned to appreciate things in such this way.  I thought of it as all being in my head. I hhad to give myself impressions to make myself feel as if I was somewhere else, I had to look at myself with the eyes of me not here, then I would feel like if I  was somewhere where I wasnt.  Then after I had the problem with whitman college and after all the emotion, I realized that this was just what I wanted, somewhere where I would have problems, somewhere different, this is what I was after something new, something to learn, and this is why I want to stay at whitman, because its just what I wanted, God help me.  Now today I realize I dont just admit the general but I see witth more detail that I am indeed somewhere else, after I have also felt good about being around people that dont want me around, even after this I see something new to appreciate, that back then, when I wished to be somewhere else and did not feel somewhere else, even though it felt like I would be lying to myself to tell me that I have finally escaped, I realize now that I would feel escaped only after I admitted the truth to myself; just what I thought would be a lie.