Wanting something to pass by; something transient in time is eternal in essence.
The what if question of: what if this situation was my whole life? What if I felt this pain forever? What if the length of my life was measured by this situation? What if there was no way out? Would not this end up being an eternal tragedy? Wouldn’t this be unfair, even by God? Satan’s mark left forever?
I now proclaim that Satan’s mark was the ever-present sign I was looking for. What makes it a sign of darkness is my failure to recognize it. And so, these “what if” questions are very useful to the purpose. My conclusion is an answer to Satan’s mark (that’s how I know to have a little more faith in the conclusion):
To seek to feel the present state (question), not to avoid it (by scratching the itch). Only until I experience it fully will I feel comfortable with letting it go. In Whitman, I decided not to seek help or to justify my behavior to anyone. Among many others, one of the reasons why I did this was because I was curious about the question/itch. I saw a dubious value in my situation, and because of this uncertainty of value, I did not keep myself from hating the situation and getting pist at what it put me through (with my permission) (though I was willing). I allowed myself to be consumed by negative fantasies.
The point of all this:
The reason I have a little more faith in this conclusion is because it is an answer to the questions I used to have.
Question: the crisis of Satan’s mark… the problem of evil.
Answer: it is to be experienced fully! The evil comes from our lack of love. If we loved it, it wouldn’t be evil.
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