January 3, 2011

                I wanted the t.v. on but I didn’t want to be tempted to watch it, so I changed it to a basketball game…

               

                I must let go of this habit, this need to write things down. 

                The dream (of heaven) is here; and I am speaking literal language.  The dreams I have had were about the waking world.  In the common world, things are dead to me; things are gone.

                ----This must be just another sensation----

God help me, (“I am helping you”).

The fastest way to get there is to you are already there.

Anti-psychopathy: feeling your body’s independence from your soul.

(realizing that your ideas do not constitute the universe).

What is it with sacrifice and prayer?

Sacrifice – giving up desire = acceptance of the present = accept more possibilities (including what seems like compromises and degrees of accomplishment).

                Prayer – seeing possibilities.

A sacrifice that hurts is like a gift that you give but you never let go of, your hand are still attached to it and you wish to have them back.

its called "sacrifice" because
you "die to yourself" in the process,
if you are still in pain that is a good sign you haven't died

                Not sure about the prayer, because it works like faith without removing the blindfold, stubbornly holding on to desire?

It just means not enough God… and what is enough God?

My head feels like its about to float, maybe it’s just my headache changing…

What I am doing, is quieting my mind and feeling my body’s chemical sensations,

I think this separates my emotions from my soul.

                I am standing, fidgeting around: I notice how the shapes around me morph as I move into different angles.  Wow! I normally wouldn’t this while fidgeting.

                                                                             

Ideal characteristics are: attentive, detached from desire.

It’s not about the action or what you feel (whether it’s fear or anger that inhibits you, or even happiness), what matters is the attachment you have to the goal.

                Imagination is used to counteract the chemical sensations.  It is rejecting the present and preferring (being attached to) memories and fantasies.

                What about eternal interpretations/universe impressions? I thought these were meaning to life.

                What about loving the present; does this not involve reacting to chemical sensations?

                What about ideal attention and comprehensive sensation?

               

                Interpretations are subtle preferences that I cannot get rid of; though I get rid of the voices and images, I cannot get rid of the interpretations of these shapes.

                A sparrow just hit my window.  It lies on the ground, legs up.  What does it mean?  It must be a sign, a negative one?  Is it a demonic force sent to distract me?  Whatever it is, positive or negative…  It must mean I am getting somewhere, and that’s ultimately good, right?

            A similar thing happened this past Wednesday, something flew by a friend’s skirt; there was no one in the direction it came from, and I didn’t find the object afterwards.  I know it wasn’t my imagination because a friend noticed it too.

            Things like these and the number “42” that kept coming up last semester, should I keep track of these, should I try and figure out what they mean?  I wish I knew, but I don’t even know how to begin or how to figure them out.  Until then, these “signs” will be as relevant as the bleach patterns on my dark blue underwear.  Huh, what mysteries are hidden?

           

Now the sparrow’s gone.  Did it get up or did the puppies eat it?

(All of these thoughts, I had in my mind; without words, only impressions.  The voices in my head were silent, but these impressions were still there.)

               

                These little flashes, instances that I realize (or at least re-interpret) what I am doing; these are what must be kept constant.  But what are they?

                This universe, this interpretation of how things work, these limits I have, it means I am still holding on to something.  How do I let go?  I think I am still holding on to it because I am still seeking liberation from it.

                I relax my mind: “seek not”, I think I still seek… automatically.  “Don’t seek, be satisfied”.

As I try to be satisfied I find myself attempting to enjoy what I have, to find peace in my interpretation, pleasure in my pain.

                Things that I feel this is lacking:

-Totality and God-fluidity (things as they are).

-Motivation towards presentness.

The greater that makes everything else small.

                When one is exposed to something they avoid, they experience pain.  They spend their time trying to avoid the certain symbol, and the pain.  In order to not avoid , you must accept not only the object, but the pain as well.  If you wish to be at peace.

                What makes things accepted?  You pay attention to them, you listen; and you don’t do it in order to get rid of them, and you don’t try to get rid of them.

                God help me…

 (“No, not ‘God help me’; ‘God is with me’”)

Me: I sit in the dark, I don’t want to feel like this, why do I feel trapped?  Why don’t I feel free?

I: “you don’t feel free because you don’t want this, you want to avoid this, you are not listening.”

Me: I am listening, I am listening… am I listening?

I: you only hear the words, but the interpretation you perceive comes from your own head.  Why else would you be blind to the rest of where you are?!

Me: I am listening, I am tuning in and feeling you; or as much as I can… why am I not feeling anything else besides what I feel?

I have an itch on my nose, I leave it. It feels heavy for a while; you know?  It feels a lot like there is an electric current running through that point on my nose.  Why do I feel like taking it off, it’s not even pain.  I feel like it is adistortion on my face; something that is not normally there.It forces me to be aware of it, it uses up my awareness (why is my awareness limited?); and this takes mental effort.

It is like I have to be aware, to be aware of these many things. 

Me: It is pointless because these things do not have any value; they do not change, and they do not tell you anything about the world. 

I: Do they?

Me: Yes they do, an itch tells me I need to scratch.

I: No, the scratch is how you manage to ignore the itch.  So don’t scratch, just stay and listen.

(In this same manner, a question does not beg to be answered, a problem does not beg to be solved; the answer only provides us with a reason to ignore the question, and a solution only allows our minds to ignore the problem.  Questions are not meant to be answered and problems are not meant to be solved, they are meant to be accepted.)

And the itch will not leave you peace until you stop trying to avoid it.  How do you stop trying to avoid it?  Well, the answer to the question does not matter because if you really did not care to avoid it, you would not feel the need to ask the question; and once you stop trying to avoid it, you won’t even feel the need to stop trying to avoid it in order to avoid it.