January 15, 2011

(Letting go of the world as I know it.)

Emotions from another world, memories from long before my life began.

Being able to understand and convey things that cannot be explained in words.

This is how I keep track of things I think I am missing; useful things, enjoyable things, things tht would spread divine peace!... I am still concerned.

A conversation with myself:

Me: C’mon Jimmy, lets watch a movie or something..

I: Waste time watching a movie? What’s the point?

Me: C’mon Jimmy, it’ll be fun.

I: Fun? What’s the point of fun? What is it for?

Me: It is fun! You have it! You have fun and it feels good!

I: Why do I need to feel good

Me: You feel good so that you don’t feel like you feel right now? … all questiony

I: Why shouldn’t I feel like I feel right now? Are you questioning my questioning? Is it bad? Is it dangerous?  Should I stay away from bad things?! Should I stay away from danger? Who says? Why? What’s the purpose?

Myself: You know you are only questioning yourself, there’s no one else arguing with you but yourself.  The only reason you are suggesting that you stop questioning is because you yourself think you shouldn’t question, and yet you do.

I: So what should I do to stop it?

Myself: You are still doing it.

I noticed that those who understand me the most are those who listen, those who listen to me the most are those who love me, those who think well of me.  The more one loves, the more one seeks to understand that which they love.  It is for your benefit for me to love, because of this, it would be best if I loved even the things I hated; ESPECIALLY the things I hated.

But if I did love my situation? My confusion? Would not I be missing some things? The things that I am missing? … For this reason, as soon as I try to be satisfied, my mind picks up a situation and adds distance to it, a distance of dissatisfaction.  I am always concerned about the things that I may be missing, I always imagine these things at a distance, but the fact that I am able to imagine them says that they are in fact, already within me.  It’s not about what I don’t have, its about what I have.  I am always concerned about stuff that I may be missing that I don’t consider what I do have; even if all I have, is lack; maybe this is the problem.

One of my concerns that I can’t let go of is that you people don’t really understand what I am trying to say.  Even though you understand the meaning of individual words that I say, I am sad that most of you cannot perceive the scale in which I mean them.  You hold on to the words I say, but you get nothing from it, except your own message, something you “already know”.  I do not plan to keep on trying to explain myself, in fact this is a rather pointless addiction that I am trying to overcome.  So for those of you who still judge me, who still think I am an idiot, who still think I have nothing to say, good luck with your hate (and I say this with sincerity), hopefully someday you will begin your own journey towards the truth beyond this world that drives us insane.  (As I say this, I feel like I should be saying it to myself as well). 

The human justice system is not based on truth, but skill.  I do not say this out of anger or disappointment; I say this out of amazement.  When I say human justice system, I don’t mean just court and lawyers, but I mean human being’s perception on justice. 

Don’t you know that any argument can be derived to justify whatever you want to justify?  The funny thing is that I should be saying the same thing to myself, which is the reason why I am not reaching the end of my journey.  (I don’t understand this myself; I don’t understand what I am trying to say).  I am a hypocrite.  The Ironic thing is that I still write this as an attempt to justify myself.  I am trying to explain why I shouldn’t explain, that’s a failure in my part; proof that I don’t understand.