January 23, 2011

Glimpse of heaven.

Now I understand why angels in heaven are depicted on top of clouds playing harps for eternity.  This is a description of the spirit, not a literal one.  It is about living to live, it is about being a living being, rather than a human body.  It is about accepting the hand you were given, rather than fighting for something can’t even desire.

January 22, 2011

I try to focus my mind to wake myself up, to be aware, to appreciate all there is.  I feel my sense of lack as an object I possess.  I do not lack anymore, now I HAVE lack; and this is more valuable than nothing.  Not existing is more valuable than inexistence.  Emptiness suddenly has value.  And so, everything comes to life.  I feel my emotions as vibrations from my head, my thoughts as vibrations in my intellect.  Now… what am I missing? I don’t know, but I know I have this “missing”.

January 18, 2011

Something happened today, something I will not mention explicitly because the person will be recognized.  When you “get to know” someone, you observe how the person responds to situations and stuff.  This is a topic about hidden things and {{{*how nothing is really}}} hidden, we just ignore it and each person has their own setup of which certain things the force themselves to ignore.  But everything is truly exposed.  Just like you can see if a person will be a good husband by the way they treat their mother, or a good actor by the way they express themselves, or a good cook by the way they cook.  Sure your mind may deliberately, unfortunately, ignore aspects of people (like whether they are trustworthy or serial killers, or better put, which situations will encourage him to kill and which will allow him to cooperate), but you work with what you have, what your mind setup allows you to observe.

Extraction {{{*how nothing is really}}}: as I wrote these words in the last paragraph my mind drifted off (for that amount of time)  and thought about how, all this that I write is not Truth, but only descriptions of my personal universe.  And thus, my writings are not about finding Truth, but about allowing my mind to have access to ethereal blessings.  Allowing myself access by justifying my entry, in accord with my own standards.  This is how I figure out my mind, not Reality.  Reality remains indefinite.  I am supposedly explaining how the world works.  But all I write are just more barriers I need to break down.  And this (last sentence) too, is a one of those barriers.  And so is this last one, this one included.

As I think about these things, my mind drifts off for milliseconds at a time… you may notice this too in your trains of thought.  But most people ignore the drifts, because we are trained to use tight trains, as if thought processes were continuous.  (Another way my minds works is that when I learn of something not being invulnerable, I realize the amount of damage that can be done to it.)  Trains of thought for example: I realize it is possible to have breaks in trains, and so I conclude that there are no such things as trains.  If it is usual for a train to break, then all trains are essentially obliterated, and therefore there are no such things as trains.  So I guess this makes trains of thoughts, illusions.

January 17, 2011

I notice how there is a correlation between the type of thoughts I am thinking and the type of external experience I am undergoing; though I may not be aware of the external experience, it still influences my thoughts.

I think about detachment and desire may work something like this.  In a stupefied state of mind, you live your day. Your body is used to getting ice-cream every day since you were born, this is so habitual you don’t even think about it.

Once in a while you wake up to the flavor of ice-cream, but ince , the waking doesn’t last long, you don’t even notice why you began to think about ice-cream, and now you say, “I wish I had ice-cream”.  The dynamics of this work in such a way that if you just paid attention, you would realize that the only reason you are able to desire ice-cream, is because you already have it…  Have you ever had a deep desire to fly?  Have you ever wished you were in a better world?  Have you ever wished to be with someone? …  The only reason why you are able to desire it is because you do have access to it.  Desire as extensions of subtle realizations.

January 15, 2011

(Letting go of the world as I know it.)

Emotions from another world, memories from long before my life began.

Being able to understand and convey things that cannot be explained in words.

This is how I keep track of things I think I am missing; useful things, enjoyable things, things tht would spread divine peace!... I am still concerned.

A conversation with myself:

Me: C’mon Jimmy, lets watch a movie or something..

I: Waste time watching a movie? What’s the point?

Me: C’mon Jimmy, it’ll be fun.

I: Fun? What’s the point of fun? What is it for?

Me: It is fun! You have it! You have fun and it feels good!

I: Why do I need to feel good

Me: You feel good so that you don’t feel like you feel right now? … all questiony

I: Why shouldn’t I feel like I feel right now? Are you questioning my questioning? Is it bad? Is it dangerous?  Should I stay away from bad things?! Should I stay away from danger? Who says? Why? What’s the purpose?

Myself: You know you are only questioning yourself, there’s no one else arguing with you but yourself.  The only reason you are suggesting that you stop questioning is because you yourself think you shouldn’t question, and yet you do.

I: So what should I do to stop it?

Myself: You are still doing it.

I noticed that those who understand me the most are those who listen, those who listen to me the most are those who love me, those who think well of me.  The more one loves, the more one seeks to understand that which they love.  It is for your benefit for me to love, because of this, it would be best if I loved even the things I hated; ESPECIALLY the things I hated.

But if I did love my situation? My confusion? Would not I be missing some things? The things that I am missing? … For this reason, as soon as I try to be satisfied, my mind picks up a situation and adds distance to it, a distance of dissatisfaction.  I am always concerned about the things that I may be missing, I always imagine these things at a distance, but the fact that I am able to imagine them says that they are in fact, already within me.  It’s not about what I don’t have, its about what I have.  I am always concerned about stuff that I may be missing that I don’t consider what I do have; even if all I have, is lack; maybe this is the problem.

One of my concerns that I can’t let go of is that you people don’t really understand what I am trying to say.  Even though you understand the meaning of individual words that I say, I am sad that most of you cannot perceive the scale in which I mean them.  You hold on to the words I say, but you get nothing from it, except your own message, something you “already know”.  I do not plan to keep on trying to explain myself, in fact this is a rather pointless addiction that I am trying to overcome.  So for those of you who still judge me, who still think I am an idiot, who still think I have nothing to say, good luck with your hate (and I say this with sincerity), hopefully someday you will begin your own journey towards the truth beyond this world that drives us insane.  (As I say this, I feel like I should be saying it to myself as well). 

The human justice system is not based on truth, but skill.  I do not say this out of anger or disappointment; I say this out of amazement.  When I say human justice system, I don’t mean just court and lawyers, but I mean human being’s perception on justice. 

Don’t you know that any argument can be derived to justify whatever you want to justify?  The funny thing is that I should be saying the same thing to myself, which is the reason why I am not reaching the end of my journey.  (I don’t understand this myself; I don’t understand what I am trying to say).  I am a hypocrite.  The Ironic thing is that I still write this as an attempt to justify myself.  I am trying to explain why I shouldn’t explain, that’s a failure in my part; proof that I don’t understand.