June 12, 2010

I love you all, and to all of those I hate, fear and deny, I do not need to apologize, since I am only hurting myself.

In my first year in college and around there, I always wrote about this one instance in my life when I thought and realized many things.  I always describe it when I was about 5 or 6 years old as I was trying to sleep, looking up at the stars, wondering what I was, wondering what was existence, how did distance exist, how was I alive.  And I always used this as an example or as a source of an idea about reality that I had.  ButI always wondered, did I really think of all of those things in this one night?  Now I realize that I did not have to think about the ideas, but the ideas that I produced were my beliefs about reality as I was in that state of mind.  When one realizes something, is not that they have learned something, but it is a outward manifestation of their state of mind; first is the state of mind, then a question is asked, in which noww the answer is apparent.  So everything I write here is useless, since I am only describing a state of mind (like poetry) but this description is not giving directions to get there.  And everything I have written is useless, since when I achieve a higher state of mind, all of this will be only common sense according to the state of mind I am in.  There are things that I do not know the answer to, but when I obtain the Truth, I will have the answer to everything, everything will be clear and it will all make sense.  I will not need to ask questions since I will already have the answer, and I will not need to write anything down to reflect what I believe, since my beliefs are already part of me.  If one wants revelation, all they have to do is ask, if anyone wants an answer, if anyone searches for satisfaction, they will receive from me as much as they allow themselves to receive.

I’ve been raped, I’ve been raped, I’ve been given life without consent.

When I was young, I have said this before, that I used to clasp myhands together and wonder about what was inside, that everytime I looked it would disappear.  I yearned for Reality to be itself as I looked, I did not want to control it.  I remember more now, I would lay in the dark, wanting reality to show itself to me, completely.  I remember strangling a cat, telling it to talk, I kne it could understand me, and I knew it could talk.  I had a feeling that the rest of the world was doing things behind my back.  And this is what was inside my hands, the whatever that it was, the Truth about Reality.  If I did not exist, Reality would not have to be afraid of me, I thought.  I would lay in the dark and rpomise not to judge, I would look at objects and wonder what they would look like if no one was watching them.  I pretended to not exist, and I would expect anything, I would wait for any sign from the Lord.

Girl accross the street, I want one like her, not afraid to show her rags; with all her raggedy friends? I bet she is just a conformist, I hate conformists.  Damn conformist vampires,up to nothing but evil.  They do not know themselves the death they are part of.  But even this, is awesome part of life.  Love all.  Go ahead and spread your death my love, and when you blindly reject me I will love you still, a wonder of life you have expressed, and there is nothing I can hate.

If its true that mankind has a tendency to imitate, then we fall into sin by the example of others.  Therefore it is up to us to set our eyes on a holier example, something as noble as matter?  But even animals are not completely noble.  If nobility comes in degrees, then something as “inanimate” as matter may not be completely True; even if it was, mankind has a tendency to project its humanity on things which are not human, therefore creating and thus reinforcing its sin.  I would think that a man would be happier if he was alone, with no other human being to follow; but other having other human beings is only a cursed priviledged created by our minds.  Human beings exist because we let them, we see and follow their sinful example because the sin is already part of us; you cannot blame anyone else for your flaws, because the flaws that you see in them are only part of you.

As a kid, someone once told me that they would not tell me something because I didnt know it.    It is kind of like the pattern that happens, when a kid has no friends, and no one approaches him because he has no friends; therefore for him to gain any friends he would have to already have friends.  Or like when girls only want to have sex with “experienced” guys; but if only the “experienced” guys are getting all the action then how is anybody suppose to become experienced?  Now they are forced to lie?  Although this seems unfair, this lawproduces a simple question with a mysterious answer:

How can you learn something that you do not have access to unless you already know?

This is the ordeal that one faces with Life, with obtaining Eternity and earning a Soul.  You can only know how to become Alive if you are already Alive.  At first this seems unfair, but the Truth is that by God’s grace we are all born Alive.How can you learn something that you do not have access to unless you already know?

The answer is that you must realize that you have always known.  It is by Reality’s grace that we have access to Truth, because we already do, just by being, by God’s grace.

I do not believe in the differentiation between matter and emptiness.  The emptiness that we see in matter is nothing but the matter that we have not processed, accepted, realized.  So there is no such thing as emptiness, everything is substantial, everything is matter, the Univverse is completely filled, the ether. that constructs distance, is not emptiness.  There is no emptiness, only unknown.  Reality is fully substantial, and yet this very substance is what inspires the concept emptiness, this subtances conceives emptiness.