If only, if only; if only I had such and such I would still find something else to not be satisfied. Satisfaction is not in any corruptible thing; satisfaction is here and now, here and now your fantasies are being realized.
Meaning of life: one of the other things that I wrote over winter break that I lost the paper but I kind of remember is, to mean everything you do. You must mean everything you do, when you are walking, walk like you mean it, if you are everconfused, be confused like you mean it, get deppressed like you mean it, do things against your will like you mean it regret your actions like you mean it, dont mean your actions like you mean it. Every moment of your life, no matter whaat it is, mean it. And when you manage to mean every infinitely small moment of your life, you will experience the full fledged meaning of life.
I wrote this over winter break as jibberish, and as a pun about “meaning” of life. But now I realize that it is what I am trying to achieve. As I try to “pay attention” everything that goes on in this world feels like its part of me, like I am trying to admit it, I am trying to admit the Truth, unlike when I am trying to deny it.
Worst than not knowing, is not knowing that you dont know.
Living by grace.
Mankind has an unsatisfiable desire, it can only be satisfied with something Infinite.
Paying attention vs. Realizing Truth
So far its in realizing that you are alive, and realizing that there are greater matters in life, I guess I used to practiced seeing how lower matters didnt matter. But what did I mean by, looking up at the sky? (I remember writing, “stop being a pig and look at the sky”). What did I see in the sky? What did it mean to me? Right now it just looks like a wall, I think, I mean, thats wat I feel when I see it. I guess to see behind this wall, I must be able to “pay attention” to it, or to the part of me that says that its more than just a wall (its a Great fucking wall).
Our bodies, or even more comprehensively, existence in this realm was meant for us to realize this. Because whereever you see one, you can always see “other”, and whereever you see great, you can always see greater, and God is the “greatest” so that we always have hope for something greater, even if we never reach, complete God. And now I remember why I was feeling free that nigth I Nina made me cry, it was because I realized that even if I was condemned to hell, God would still Be, and that is all that actually matters, even if not to me. God can do whatever he want, no matter how “evil” he may seem, however he creates us is Glory. Even if He doesnt create us, His existence is still Glory; even if He doesnt exist, THIS IS the Glorious. God the paradox, It will Always be. He is everywhere and in every imaginable realm.
Its not about getting rid of your problems, its about getting rid of thinking its a big deal.
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