June 22, 2011

I think I know why I feel insecure about continuing with this experiment.

Sometimes I feel like things are not working the way they are suppose to, like if I am missing something, or like it could be better if I figured out something else.  But the thing is that as soon as I feel these things it only means that I have strayed away from the desired mentality.  This is a reason not only to give up on trying to “make it better” but to ignore its seeming flaws.

Then I begin to think about the “undisciplined subconscious level” that I need to figure out.  And well, the least I can say is that, if this is just another thing I need to ignore, then I am not enlightened enough to know that I must not be concerned about it.  Even though, the mere fact that it concerns me should already tell me that it shouldn’t; I am just not willing to accept it yet, I guess.

I feel like I am surveying the world from the inside of a puzzle piece.

Doing things that don't come naturally,
may even be correctly labeled as desperate.

June 21, 2011

Yesterday in the shower a thought came to my head, of how the way I am developing everything… from an outside point of view of what I thought was already the outside.

It all boils down to this: the result of the mental experiment is ends up being what you think the result is going to be, if you think it is going to make you miserable, your body gets itself ready to feel that way, and in the process of anticipating it, it is already doing it.

Is this how faith works?  Is this why faith is addressed as a main element in enlightenment?  Because it has this much power, that whatever it may aim for, it gets it done?

Let’s not forget that there is a third person property to this “faith” tool.  If you believe that this third person has the power to act in ways that you do not know of, but this third person does… you would be able to do things with faith that are, technically speaking… and literally as far as personal judgment goes, out of your reach.  You would be able to do what you can’t do, by the power of the Third Person.

But this is getting too definite…

I will only continue for the purpose of talking about how, this faith element… it doesn’t seem to be the essential element, as I thought “awareness” was.  But, to keep awareness in its high status, I could say that awareness leads to the many enlightenments, one of them being that of the usage of faith as a tool to reach the end of a purpose.

And so these thoughts are yet again considered to be a waste of time as I make the effort to quiet my mind once again.

Shut up your gibberish Jimmy, you’re not saving the world with this, are you?

It’s useless, and no one cares, so keep the mouth of your mind shut!

June 17, 2011

If I give up my dream of perfection I will not move forward.

I am torn apart by these three:

1)      Giving up my desires

2)      So that I would wake up

3)      Or at least get rid of all the pain

The wording suggests that they are meant to be the same thing;

But practically speaking, the last two are not compatible with the first one.

Or is the problem that I do not see them to be compatible?

If they were, then this would be kind of easy.

What is there to accept and how?

Today I thought about how anyone can create out of nothing…

But my trilemma discouraged me from developing it.

Your goal avoids you just as you avoid your failure.

June 16, 2011

I felt a little more of the real world for a couple of minutes last night,
it feels... greater than my imaginary world... bigger than the inside of my head.

In trying to quiet my mind…

I: Shut up! And Listen!

Me: (as I quiet my mind) I see a hawk flying across the sky and sense the wind of prophecy swooping across this moment!

I: Shut up! And Listen

Me: (as I quiet my mind) I see all of time convoluted into this one moment, there are no memories and all that has happened and will ever happen is here in these last three seconds, how can I ever feel nostalgic?  How can I ever feel like time passes by to quickly? How can…

I: Shut up! And Listen!

Me: What about my dreams of heaven? Should I shut those up as well?

I: Shut up! And Listen!

Me: what about the reasons I am doing this for?

I: SHUT UP! AND LISTEN!

Myself: Listen                

I: Don’t make sense of it, just…

Myself: Listen

I: shut up!

Myself: Listen

I: Shu…

Myself: Listen

You must give up your heaven… what you are doing this for.

So I quiet my mind, why do I still not feel good, why do I still feel lazy and miserable?

Because you still want to not feel this way.

June 3, 2011

I’ve been trying to silence my thoughts throughout the day, even if they tell me to let them talk… Im just doing it.

I listen to my favorite song, but I try not to immerse myself in it like I usually do, and I listen to the rest of the noises, and I realize that the music and the world I once loved is nothing but electrical signals being delivered to some speaker devices, nothing but that.  Where is the world that I yearn for?  Should I put the music louder?  Is that where my world is?  Should I get as close to the speaker as I can?  Is that where my world is?  Should I shrink myself and make my dwelling in this transmitter?  Is this how I get to heaven?  Should I go behind the speaker and reach the electrical information that controls it?  Should I go beyond the electrical information and reach the instruments that created this majestic sound?  Is this how I get to the heart of this song?  Do I listen beyond the instruments and imitate the minds that were inspired to make this song?  Is this how I make my life move like this song?  Or do I get a hold of the inspiration itself?  Is this how I make love to this song?  Is this how I become one with this song?  This inspiration that I am after, is what inspired my desire for it. 

As I listen to the song, if I immerse myself inside the sound that comes from the speaker, it becomes a world in itself: the source of the sound waves that get transmitted to this speaker divine; this is what heaven sounds like. 

As I listen to the song and to everything else, it feels like just another part of the world I live in.  Heaven does not come from this music, but it is already part of me.  I just need to unlock it and open it up.

All this time I have been after something that is inspired in the world, I immerse myself in this song and accept it as divine like a child who thinks he is the prince in the storybook.  But it is just a song, and this inspiration is nothing but idle enjoyment… and it is enjoyable.

I am a hopeless adventurer.

June 2, 2011

Truth

Sense

Happiness

Faith

Why does completeness yield better happiness?

Letting go of answers in order to find better ones…