July 11, 2011

Chasing hypothetical spirits.

 

Late at night

I’m on my way to take a walk and think of my next step.  I am trying to get a job these days.  You know, this could become easier with a little magic.  The option is there, but just looking at it makes my dreams crumble; making me realize that it will turn to dust sooner or later. 

If I try to keep alive what is only mortal, I can only extend its sentence.  A death sentence is a death sentence, no matter what you do before it: if someone told you to look at what you may before they erased your memory, you would realize that it does not matter what you look at, because in the end it will be like you never saw it; and what is the value of delaying this event?

I do not go with this option as a sign of accepting what is being allotted to me.  If I put myself in this situation, let my punishment come as it should.  Whether this situation is a result of my ignorance or lack of “luck”, I can only remain with the same type of fortune if I decide to post-pone it.  If I do not let the winds flow, they will wait in place.  I cannot depend on death to liberate me from judgment; judgment is as sure as this world is real; this I can only feel.  If I try to cheat my punishment, I will only be punished more for cheating.  I must remain sincere, and grow valiant to face my fate.  The punishment for fleeing is cowardice, and the punishment for hiding my face is lack of dignity. 

I wish I could write this down, but I feel that whatever comes to me only does so because it is the least important of what I have yet to learn.  The more time I waste writing things down, the longer I have to wait for the best answers to come.

So I was balancing myself on a fallen over cylinder of sort, it rolled and I was not able to stay on it.  As I thought about it I realized that my posture did not allow me to have control, and so I fell off.  But I had this posture for a reason, I just couldn’t remember why.  “This event happened only seconds ago, and you cannot remember this little detail? Do you realize how ineffective your mind is?!”, “It’s only so ineffective because you keep talking to me.”

Accusing myself takes my mind off of the world, what if I try approving of what I do?

As I think about this, I think of a situation that it may not help.  Like if I am “obviously” doing something wrong but approve of it, still.  I must approve of it at all times, in all levels (yea, in all levels… that’s the tricky part).  But I shouldn’t just approve of what I do, but what there is around me, and all that happens.  As I try to feel this, I can feel the grace of that which holds all that there is; and it becomes true, the universe is in God’s hands and therefore, it is perfect.

July 7, 2011

I think the main method that I used to use back in high school, and I remember this, was to tell myself that whatever I was aiming for, what I wanted, there were greater things in life than it.  I basically reminded myself that it did not constitute the greatness of life.  My mind would then realize that what I wanted was not as important or necessary as I thought it was and be able to look around again.

The problem with that method is that: 1) it is a method, 2) although I succeed in freeing my mind it suggest that I am still after something else.  Another problem could be that it does not guarantee my mind being free, it just detaches me from whatever I choose at the moment; so its kind of like a hand pistol… and nothing better against this eternal ghost of darkness.

July 6, 2011

I just saw “The Matrix”, it definitely was not my first time, but it was the first time I analyzed it from Neo’s point of view.  I was watching the scene in which Neo and Trinity go into the matric to rescue Morpheus.  As they are gun fighting the security guards in the buildings I categorize them as “secret agents from an outside realm”, and that is definitely what they are; “Metaphysical Agents”?  Well they should definitely own that label since they do come from a world outside of this “physical world”, but I do not think they quite live up to it.  Especially since they treat the outside world just the same as the matrix world; they are hopelessly lost within the world and have not learned anything from escaping the matrix; they continue to believe that their world is real, no matter which one they are in; they may as well be just as fooled: which is exactly the tendency that Neo goes beyond, and as a result is able to work within the matrix in ways that the others cannot.  What would it be like to be a legitimate “Metaphysical Warrior”?  One would have to be able to manipulate and ascend the physical laws of time, space and everything in between.  It does seem that Neo was the one that was able to live up to at least a bit of this description.  What would it have been like for him?  The concept he had to understand was simple: this matrix and everything that happens here is not real, and it is all under the domain of your mind.  So I imagine how he would have to understand this: as Neo and Trinity were going up the elevator shaft, I imagined all the insecurities and fears I would have; spider webs, bugs, bits of matter hitting my face.  But all these are disregarded, and they should be, because they are all just in the imagination.  A Metaphysical Warrior should not be concerned about such little things; if they get bitten by a deadly spider all they have to do is wake up, in fact it should not even affect them in the real world.  This is what Neo understood, that everything here, everything I see, hear and feel is all just part of my imagination, and under my control; but just like many of the rest of the faculties in my mind, I am not even aware of them and so they appear to have “their own will” when I confront them; just like a cat chases its tail, because it does not feel how it is part of him.  All I have to do is be aware of their connection with me, see how it is part of me.  And so Neo realizes “I am this world” and sees it as this.

Although it is interesting, I consider this Neo process just another method.  Anything that is claimed to be the truth is just another method to reach it.

So I think from this point of view, my mind clears, why?  It feels like since the world is my imagination, there is no need to dwell on my thoughts because the world is my thoughts.  Now that’s fukkin tight.  And being aware becomes as easy as idle thinking.

July 5, 2011

The only reason why other people always seem happier is because you cannot hear their thoughts.  

It’s 3:00 a.m. and I am a little concerned about gaining weight; well, I am getting a little fatter but, I am not too concerned about it.  I have just been wishing that I was more physically able, like I used to be.  I am lying on the couch, ready to sleep.   I have that sensation I used to have those wonderful summer nights, back in high school after I had made that sacrifice.  Those heavenly nights I would lay in bed with a bowl of ice to rub against my body, with AFI playing and with the night sky in my head.  I was fit back then, and now I feel the same way for some reason.  I have been yearning to feel like that, and now I realize that this feeling did not come because I had a good body, but because I could feel my body, just like I am feeling my body right now.  If this is all I have to do to feel able then I am off to use my body.  I am now healthy again.

So I went outside to reach towards the sky, and the more I felt my body and my surroundings, the more real I felt.  I realized that this is what I yearned for; to be real, just like my fantasies.  Whenever I yearn for a far away world, or to be full of life and splendor, I am actually just looking for this, to quiet my mind.  Maybe the concepts just get mixed up because being in a far away fantasy wakes up my attention, but I do not want the far away fantasy, I just want to wake up.  We are animalistic when we use outside objectives to quiet our mind, the outside objectives are not necessary though; and though they may clear our mind once, it does not mean that they will always liberate us.  Being rich does not secure one’s happiness, having sex does not make one’s dreams  come true, having security in life does not get rid of one’s fear.  Securing one’s happiness, secures one’s happiness, making dreams come true makes dreams come true, getting rid of fear gets rid of fear; but how does one go about doing these things?  By doing them, any other objective is unnecessary; there is nothing “in the way”, and there is no “road” to it.

I think it was yesterday I begin to address the present as “what I need to be satisfied with”; and if I can’t do it I say, “well, this is it”.  I try to not think of anything else or yearn for “better challenges”.  When I succeed in doing this it makes me feel accomplished and stable.  Nothing else comes from it, and I do not know how it should, yet.  But I do not think being concerned about it, will help any.

July 4, 2011

                So there are two methods I have approved of: first method is to quiet my mind and this allows me to feel the world around me and my body as two separate things rather than aching to change the world according to my will.  The second method, “accepting rejection”, allows my thoughts to flow without hindrance and this allows me to identify the source of my thoughts in the environment around me, so that what I do is not because I ache to change the world around me, but because the world around me begs me to do so.

                Now I have two methods, and I do not know which one is best.  I do not know what is better to do, or at least what I am looking for.  I do not know which of these two methods will allow me to figure out which one is better.

I need to constantly remind myself, that what I am doing should not affect my ability to pay attention.  I keep getting frustrated because though I intend to pay attention I only remember to do so when “I don’t have time for it”.

July 3, 2011

This statement is false: 

It is so because the fact of it being a statement 

necessitates its falsity.

Accepting rejection (as opposed to rejecting acceptance)

When I do this, it covers all these other mental exercises listed:

Harmonizing

Listening

Quieting

 “Mean”(verb)ing of life

even Gurdjieff’s stop method

It feels like things align for once, instead of disagreeing with every little action I take.

If you were to destroy all the evil in the world and its principle,
you would only succeed in making "destruction" the dominating principle.
Wait it out, and "destruction" will eventually destroy itself.

Something that has come up at least twice already:  open-mindedness allows fear to subside and thus solutions to come.  But positive reinforcement kind of works the same way, if you believe that things are okay it is more possible to find an answer.  Now I was skeptical about positive reinforcement because it most likely suggests that negative outcomes are bad, and this is not open-mindedness.  But it is possible that successful positive reinforcement requires one to accept the present, otherwise they would just be in denial until fate aligns the world with their preference.

A couple of days ago, I was eating a chip while heading towards the door, and thought about how I felt heavy because of how I do not have enough red blood cells or whatever it is people keep saying.  And as I was eating this chip I wondered if this chip is what my body really needed; probably not, but even if it isn’t I still do not know what my body needs.  The only reason I “know” why this chip is not as nutritious as a morsel could be is because its package says so.  Whether it is the cereal box, the can, or the rest of the media; we depend on these to “know” what we need to keep ourselves alive; and only to the quality that the media provides.  But how am I supposed to know what my body needs?  And it came to me: by how it feels and by what I think to change.  If anything, your desire tells you what you need, but one needs to learn how to listen to what they desire, not only muffle its voice. 

The reason I allowed myself this conclusion is because I accepted my rejection; I allowed my desire to be a legitimate voice.  If I did not do this I would not be able to answer the question, except in the same way that I was treating the “desire” idea.

But really your body does not need anything: your body changes according to what you put in it, and there is no reason to despise the changes it undergoes, even the “loss of consciousness”.

America, a capitalist country; oh America, you are meant to thrive on the good will of mankind, you have so much potential to be a promise land, only if God were still alive here.  "The rich have not accomplished their duty as ‘the rich’ until there is no more poverty in the world.”

                When I decide to be willing to go through hell for truth, suddenly my awareness focuses on the moment, as if anticipating.  I don’t know why.

                There are voices everywhere.  I can hear them in the noise of the fan and in the bubbling of the water.  They inspire my mind to speak, and they don’t let me shut it up.  With this I realize that my thoughts are influenced by the environment around me, they decide what type of judgments I make.