November 10, 2009

Ok so there is a couple of things going on that I havent mentioned.

So a while ago, I gave a friend a fruit of my writings, and the way he talks about things and what... not sure how to explain this, ok so there have been “issues” (I dont think they are that bad but everybody else seems to think it is a really big deal.. his mom even came to campus to taake care of him and see whats going on, a intervarsity staff called it a mental break down, Ive heard something that correlates with multiple personality, him and his roommate thinks its demon possesion, in the end I have no right to judge what the situation is).  So when I talk to my friend he tells me things that make me think that he is doing all of this, that all this is happening because he took what I told him to heart...  There are things that I need to make clear to him, direction, and foundation, I gave him the fruit without giving him thee roots, (a metaphor to my writings)...

Anyways so there is that, then yesterday at night, an intervarsity staff scolded me for playing with a girls hair, and I was like WTF?! Sriously what was the big deal.. so we talked and I dont even know... oh yeah so we talked for a long time trying to understand each other and him getting to know me and how I am getting along with whitman culture and stuff. So now I feel understood at least by him,, I dont know if he will keep it though.. and I missed some stuff after we departed so I wrote him these emails.

When I told you to consider you kicking me in the nuts...

You must realize that thinking about this is not a waste of time..

and that its not necessarily bad to think about the "bad" things..

but you must make an effort to keep an open mood/mind so

that you can learn from the observations of the negative "what if's"...

It is important for you to consider you kicking my nuts,..

1) so you thought about how you would feel (idk I think you did)

2) you thought about how it would look to me (this is case that we talked about)

3) and so you must also think about how it would look to others (why I am writing this email)

so that once you have entered the mind of this culprit (as you did in case 1)

you can know how it looks like from the outside (think about case 2 and 3)

so that if it happens to you (case 2) you would expect an explanation

and so if you see it happen to someone else (case 3) that you DO NOT judge the

person doing the kicking but you try to understand their motive and their selfishness

and not scold them for that but instead do what I said...

become the person (case 1), understand what would actually help you develop and

not be judged and what not... anyways I havent finished explaining but I trust you are

smart enough to get the point from all of this...

and this also brings up why you should have your mind open to the possibility

of me being a satanist trying to corrupt the fellowship at whitman...

first of all because even if that is the truth, you still shouldnt judge me...

I mean, what would Jesus do?

I think the point of this, is to come up with a character that would be comprehensive

to all possibilities so that no matter what the truth turns out to be, you have already

worked by those terms...

So like I said, wearing red for people that like red, but

also being considerate for those people that have unreasonable fear of red things.

something else came to mind I think its something about telling an intervarsity staff..

Ive sat here trying to remember it but I think Ill do better if I come back to you on this....

(and none of this is the 4%, well I think the comprehensive character explanation feels like 1-3%)

do you realize that if I wasnt in the right state of mind

I wouldnt have been able to explain to you all of this,

and I would have just gone along looking and probably even

believing that I was the bad guy..

yes, words have that much power to make things true,

even if they werent suppose to be...

There is a true story, that the youth leader from my old church told us

about a lady that whenever the subject of death came up she would say

"I dont care what happens to my body afterwards, you just throw me in

the dump and let the dogs eat me"

when she died, she was burried of course, out of respect,,

but dogs dug up her body and ripped it apart and stuff...

again, words have power,

be more careful with them...

(lol, look who's talking)

no but my intended point was the first...

I think I have ended up as the "bad guy" in enough situations here,

just because I havent had the right state of mind to explain myself...

and this could happen to anybody else here, so be considerate about

"the bad guys"

HIS RESPONSE:::

I will heed your words about being more careful with my words.  I agree that words, regardless of their intentions, can have a powerful affect on reality.  I am sorry for approaching you with an attitude of condescension.  It was really impactful to talk through things with you.  I will try to be more sensitive now to how you are thinking. 

On the point of keeping an open mind, I disagree.  I will not waste my time or thoughts wondering if you are a Satanist.  I pray to God that you are not.  I will take bizarre and unlikely things as they come, but I will not waste my energy wondering about them or anticipating them.  For now I will turn my mind to God and the things before me. 

I love you and I want you to flourish and be free in our community.  We need to have  a clear mutual understanding of what is acceptable and what makes people feel unsafe.  Just as I am responsible for not hurting you by being insensitive to your feeling of being treated like a creep and lack of freedom to express yourself, you are responsible for learning what makes people feel unsafe and not breaching those boundaries as you figure them out.  I understand that this feels restrictive and alienating at times.  But you know I don't mean you can't get out of bed in the morning without offending anyone.  Just be overly careful about how you interact with women--how you touch them and talk with them.  Please express to me that you understand this and are committed to it.  I hope that I don't sound belittling.  I just need to know that we are clear on this.

I love you.  I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this.  I know it feels alienating.  I will talk to Intervarsity staff today to explain things to them.  Please forgive me for being insensitive and condescending yesterday. 

I will talk to you soon.

Peace,

JIMMY’S RESPONSE:::

nononnononoooooo

thats not the point,

I dont care what happened to me,

My point was to be considerate of those who dont get to explain themselves as I did!!!,

I feel you took a completely different turn

from what happened yesterday.

Remember its not about me

(my value is as good as anybody elses)

I was lucky enough to explain myself so, its not about me,

its about those who cant...

dont feel bad for me,

feel bad for all those people in these kind of situations

that dont get it to tutn out so smoothly.

And again... I am not socially retarded

stop telling to calm down,,

Im already cool, aight?!

I can handle this...

nobody is gonna die, I know I come from an uncivilized culture,

but we dont kill people for fun, everything will be alright...

(teasing...)

November 9, 2009

Oh and then I did end up kissing her on the forehead..

Index: I have thought about this before but now I found a better way to explain it... different levels understanding smething, example: physical level, atomic level, subatomic level, quantum level... so someone may see a wall, another may see bricks, snother may see  atoms, another may see energy, and since space and time are connected, another may see a wall taking up this amount of time.. another example: psychological level, chemical level, biological level, (biological, cognitive, neuro, humanistic, behavioral, psychoanalisys, psychodynamic, psychotherapy) and spiritual level... so someone may see someone with overriden brain connection neuron shootings whatever, another may see a result of anxiety, another may see utter confusion at its worst,another may see a seizure, another may see a demon possesion, and just because they are different ways to understand it does not mean any of them are necessarily false, they are just different approaches, each one has its own explanation, and because of each’s explanation they all have their own way to deal with it.  Some use medicine, others split the brain in half, others suggest relaxation techniques, others use prayer and casting out demon, sometimes, some work, somtimes others dont,  sometimes to some extent, sometimes they make it worst, sometimes you live with a scar, sometimes the person dies, sometimes it isnt done right, sometimes a person has more faith in one method than another.  Jesus and the apostles use to cast out fevers as if they were demons, the boy who was possessed and shook violently, as if the demon tried to throw him into the fire, or drown him in water. Could be explained, as maybe the water ad fire triggered some sort of anxiety that lead to a seizure, nonetheless Jesus healed him using the method of faith.  Sometimes people see the negative environment a gossip creates, without ever noticing the person that gossips, they only notice the effects, sometimes they even notice when the negative environment began, without considering that this was the time when they had their doors open, without considering that they had put a sign outside that attracted this gossip, sometimes they only notice certain things without considering the other worlds that would explain these things in a different way.  Sometimes one nnotices that they gett depressed, without considering what they had eaten, sometimes they even notice when they started getting depressed and that it must have been because of some drug they took, without considering that the drug would have certain effects on their brain that would lead some demons  of indulgence in, sometimes they can see the effects, their addiction and the neuro-elements that explain addiction without considering the sign that they put outside by taking such drug, that openned the doors and that attracted demons of misbehavior, of pride, numbness and selfishness.  Gives them a hard heart, in other ways of understanding (in other words), an insensitive ego.

But one must deny the use of ockhams razor that reduces everything to one possibility, one perspective, one approach, one explanation, and nothing else.

Middle: why children are special, they can see thinngs grown ups cant because no one has told them what to think and how the world works.  When they grow up they are told what is real and what may not, or shouldnt be real, before that, they allow themselves to see things because they know not better, they move in ways (and they think things) we consider preposterous, but then they learn how the world works, we shut their eyes, and just in case they may open them sometimes, we tell them to ignore what they see because it is not real.  We tell them how the world works, and just in case they may see an angel anyways, we tell them its only their imagination.

Pinky: Michelle’s case of micro-culture... TO forgive children, as innocent as they are,,, ok so michelle gave me a bad look, or she just has an bad attitude (my 2 year old niece), and I think, well with a girl like thaat, with a person like that, I should treat her just like any other person, of any other age... (well from what I learned I learned i had to treat every other person of any age like I treated her...) anyways, so she has a bad attitude, ignorant, her will must be done, a brat basically, or she just gives me a mean look for no reason, just because she feels like it, but the next moment, she is playful with me, and wanting what I have... is there a point in reminding her of her faults? Should I regulate her behavior? Maybe the sudden change in attitude reflect that she never really feels like she rejects me, but its just her way, of communicating playfulness, like if I had to test someone’s temper before I began to trust them with it.  An so I shouldnt judge those who have a heavy temper with me, maybe its just the way they get a long... and that goes for everyone, who butthurts me,, I will not be butthurt, I will play along...???

 Ring:  Time of Crisis in the times of Christ, after christs death I imagined something like this going on, somehting that was not written in the gospels but as the christian movement started to spread so did the demonic movement, one against thhe other, confusing, defiling, creating the imperfections that we now call modern christianity...

Thumb: two aspects using the pentecostal church as an example.  This is about how one comes to accept with happiness someone who gives money, not because he is money bhungry, but because the money happen to lighten up his mood, and so he accepts better the rich person... I guess the lesson here is, your mood should not depend on money,, hm simpler than I thought.

November 6, 2009

1:30 after I spent time at the music library with this girl that liked my “natural” smell,  I am now at the regular library. So there is this girl that I met at prentiss at work.  I saw her online...  so I said hello, and she said she was busy, I said I was on the first floor and to come over, she said she was on the third floor and that she needed to get started on a 10 page paper due the next day.  So I said ok or something, I still went to go look for her... I didnt find her but I did find a friend... so we talked I told him I was gonna go get my stuff, and I went down stairs to look for the girl, and she was there at the second floor in the front, so I waited until she was done being attended so I could say hi to her, so then she saw me, and I asked her if she was done or what (she looked like she was getting ready to leave), I didnt give her time to answer so I said “ with the 10 page paper” she didnt know what I was talking about, and she said she was glad not to have a 10 page paper.  Then i realized that it was the wrong person i had talked to online, I was laughing on the ground, no point in explaining... So I said cool, and I went with my friend after I got my stuff. Me and him talked alot about stuff and he is as weird as me so its soo cool!  So after a coupple of hours, we went outside to get homework done and we saw the girl about to go to sleep, she had layed down on a couch thing and closed her eyes before she saw us, so we brought our faces close to hers, so that it startled her when she openned her eyes, we listened to music and danced and whatnot, fun fun. So now they are both asleep and I am doing homework.

Meditation Actualization of Actions

File Location: My Words/Completion (What we know)/Achieving Awareness/Methodology/Methods/Meditation Actualization of Actions

Planning an action and manifesting that action in real life. What does it mean?

How does the contemplation of an action affect its deliberation of that action?

Examples:

I wanted to talk to a person, I dwelled on it for a while

·         I had time to make excuses

·         I had time to fear it

·         I had time to plan something else

·         I had time to think how this was a bad idea

·         I made timee to dwell on my fear:

o   This fear made me think of other options

o   Where does this fear come from?

I wanted to jump on someone

o   For some reason I did not dwell on the fear before hand... what is this reason?

o   The time came and I had no excuses in mind, and no time to make any

o   I saw the time as perfect, how do I get this feeling?

o   I thought it was perfect beforehand

o   I had instances that did not compleete the criteria to be an opportunity.

o   I had  criteria to consider an instance an opportunity.

Manifest desires into reality (steps to)

1)      You have to want it, if you dont want it, if its not of interest, if it doesnt get your attention, if there is no reason WHY you must pursue it, then you wont go in its direction.

2)      You must want it to be real, there is a difference between wanting something, and actually wanting it to be real (there shouldnt be, but the lack of reflection makes people think that impulse or a craving is enough to be called a desire... hmhm)  when you want it to be real, you think of more aspects of what the reality is WITH your desire satisfied: you want a dog? Seriously? What kind of home do you have, does the dog eat, does it poop, do you get the food for free?  Why do you feel like having a dog will not be a burden and only a pleasure?

3)      Compromising: consider the things you are willing to give up or you are willing to accept, since you are not in any position of this perfect world

4)      Feel it to be real (when you think about it ask yourself, how real is it? How present does it feel?)

5)      Feel it to be graspable (and see it)

6)      Know where the opportunities are (open your mind)

7)      Practice taking advantage of the opportunity when it comes..

So what you do is, that you consider the situation that you want, and you consider all the things it consists of, its characteristics and properties.  So you take care of the background characteristics, the ones those changes that you need to make in order for this certain event to be “special”.  You consider those characteristics and you take care of those details.. (if you dont take care of these details then there will be a contradicting force from yourself because you still dont feel comfortable with the resulting event “for some reason”, OR you can admit a compromise and have the situation not be perfect, as you imagined it (which does not always have to be bad)

November 5, 2009

So I can comfortable? No then I start thinking about the defects of this place... ugh fuck now it reminded me I feel not good,, anyways so I feel like if I am family? Comfortable, while being careful... ugh. Well then I must see what it is like for them, to see me like this, what kind of vibe do I give off and “why?” would be interesting to answer)

November 4, 2009

Ok so with the laughter thing and the  close and open, so I think there is somehting wrong witht the laughter because it suppose to be a transition frfom one to another, but it seems that it doesnnt necessarily open your mind, since you can be one way, then as I adjust to my surroundings I become like the others, because I understand them (yes, because I stop understanding who I was before? (here is the problem).  And on the other hand it seems that when I am open I am taking things as they come but lack (because I ignore prejudice) possibilities of results, and certainly I should ignore because you never know what the future brings, specially the farther it goes... then it also seems to be that as I develop rules and how things work like this it  usually means my mind is closed...  bu if this is all that open mindedness is, then what is all this talk about truth at point when you have no prejudice so that you can read minds and tell the future... 

It seems that every lesson we learn in tragedy and when people get angry they ignore, they think they know so they ignore, there are times when I know there are other possibilities and that there is maybe no reason to be angry but I just want to let out, and express how I WOULD feel if this were surely true, but as I do that my mind closes towards it.  The lesson when you get angry and worried or fear and whatnot, is to be open and ask, and you know? This goes along with never to reject knowledge and by thinking that you know, you are rejecting knowledge.

Then there is the question of can I ever be completely oopen... about bieng concerned about something [without prejudice] in order to get truth about it from nature... and that the truth you get it from your own mind telling you, making it seem as if reality has set those there, but its just you, and this is just a way to pay attention to them, the randomness you do, through these you answer yourself... THE PROBLEM though, being concerned about a specific case without carrying prejudice about it gives you answer.  How can you be concerned about a certain specific while still having an open mind? are they different sections? Levels? I still havent figured out how to get these answers...

So here is another idea.. truth tells you everything that you are concerned about, and it tells you everything that you look at, as long as you dont distrust it.

anyways,, so this is my current status.. I will try figuring it out as I observe the movements... I will report of it, if I live. Lol

OKOKOKOKKOK so with all of this what does it make of my horniness, cuz I get horny so I want to eat out a girl and I am concerned about that and it makes me horny, but I dont get any answers because I am focused on it, but if I open up I will get it, but I will not be concerend about it, will I get the sense that it will just come naturally? I mean am I not suppose to be horny  what does it mean? How does all this carry out? WHO AM I WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WANT BE OR WHAT?!?!

I tihnk figuring out what my desires add up to? My ocnvictions vs my vulgarities, the compromise, the result of wanting sex but wanting to save my virginity until marriage, my limits.. so what I am concerned about gaining and what I feel comfortable with it being real.

[[[[[[[[[[[[what I am doing is not anymore trying to fiigure out how things work but trying to achieve the state of mind in which everything makes sense... the analogy of planning for panic,, figuring out how to stay away from panic rather than figuring out infinite amounts of procedures and rules]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

In college you have ann advantage... of giving off the vibe that you may know people because as you start off, nobody really knows anybody so you can just pretend that you may know someone even thouhg this may be the first time you ever saw... (in college? Or anywhere?... stop being closed! Everything is true anywhere to some extent... to any extent!)

So anyways this vibe, how does it work that, you give off the vibe so that people are open with you... you be open with everybody, you feel therefore behave as if you know them, (then how do you get to know them?) as if you are comfortable with them, without any contradicting desires? Is this what the problem always is? The contradicting desires?  So according to this.. if I feel  at home and like if can trust anybody, and I truly do feel it with no..., then thats how everyone will respond.  So what about people that dont like you and talk behind your back that are not willing to complain in your face to let you know that you are doing something wrong?  I think this means that there is a communication inhibition.

Ok so this haappened yesterday, I fell asleep next to the printer, this happened today: some girl talked to me about it... why did she feel comfortable saying hi to me?

The ideal response to a negative reaction is a solving reaction.

There are times when people like anybody as long as they dont see something they may reject... this is the good news...

The bad news is those who are paranoid of everyone... 

... become inviting.  All you have to do is show affection? Have you ever shown affection and be rejected? Yes, because your affection looks illegitimate, they perceive it as fake, but none would ever reject true affection, unless they feel that your affection is unworthy, but what does this mean?

Also this has to do with you portraying your legitimate thoughts, no pretending, no vulgarities, everything legitimate, everything real and from the heart.  If this is done then there will be no room for misjudgement... or will there?

What you want gets automatically manifested, the trick is knowing what you really want.  So here is the answer, you do what you want, you always do what you want, if you want it not, you wouldnt choose it, but there are so many conflicting desires it is hard to tell what it is that you are choosing, and how it is that you want it, so you look into this that interests you, and you figure it out.  (If it applies to you it applies to everyone else).  So when you want something and you dont get it, it is because you havent consider it as if it was real, you say you wish it was real, but you really dont know that you wouldnt want it in so many ways, just like the girls that have rape fantasies but complain when they get raped.  Everybody has this problem, not just girls.

When someone rejects: well when I reject it is because I think they rejected me. I dont know if anybody else would reject on the basis that I they are better than me or that I may be a negative influence, or they make me look bad, but these are also possibilities, these possibilities I know exist also, and maybe on the basis of, because I have experienced these feeling before even though I may choose to not act according to them as much as I can.

So the basic things that you need to watch out for is that you dont appear as a threat, and that you dont reject any possibility (which may be of them), but have a heart of understanding and curiosity.  Yes I am sorry to say this but there are people out there that are closed minded and reject you if you have certain characteristics that may be of threat to them, you know this by experiencing it yourself.  So yes, I think the only reason that people reject is because you may appear as a threat,, and it is not always clear to the subject or to themselves, but it can always be explained as a threat... Now if they reject you because you may be a threat to your shoes, then this is ridiculous.. but hey things may still work, i mean you work for these kinds of things why? So maybe you can let them see the problem they have so then they come closer to fix it.

When someone picks their nose to you, it is a good thing, because they are testing you to see if you mind, when you show that you dont mind, then they ‘should’ learn that they can be free around you.  So  when someone rejects you it is a good thing, because then you can show that you will not back off? Hmm this doesnt sound right... right, you shouldnt back off, but you should not make them feel threatened... (what is the purpose of all this anyways... I think its so that I can get “laid”)

November 1, 2009

So, at church I decided, I have been thinking this for a while that, of the memories and feeling in my head, are so easily forgettable because I dont manifest them or anything of them into reality to create some sort of remeinder, I think i have written about this before.. something like this, its easy, you should put a reminder to remember something, something aoutside your mind to remember the thought or feeling, its why we draw take pictuures write in diaries or say things out loud.. so I have a better chance of remember things I think about if I say them out loud... not only that but I get bettter at putting my thoughts in understandablke words.. not just thoughts and feelings, but I put them in actual english language so that other people can understand, and for myself it works because it doesnt only in my head but also in my phonic memory... so not only do I think it,, but I have a greater chance of remember ing it because I hear it... and I speak it... then I must write it and explained so that I dont forget even more

So with this in mind, I try to say everything I think and describe the feelings I get.. sometimes he words dont make sense, but I try to connect them and pinpoint the feelings.. just like that day when I was “speaking in toungues or something”.. so I try to put them into words and so its like I am naming everythig that comes to mind.... naming.... like the job that God gave Adam. Woooooooowww. And so its a job of mankind, or at least good for us that we name things,,, I mean, it must be what separates us from animals since by God giving Adam dominion over them he gave them the responsibility to name them. And so I write, and so I speak, and so I express the things from the unknown that have chosen me as a vessel to manifest  themselves into existence.

Ok so here I go, i was acting weird on Friday.  At dinner and then I noticed others acting weird... liek if I caused them and made them feel comfortable to express that side of them.. and so it works with the purpose of expression, like a secret of mankind that everyone hides.. all we need is a beacon, and for others to trust this beacon as a beacon and not a trap.. those that long for the reformation will soon come out of hiding, that is, if they see.. open their eyes to the light.  This also  reminds me of what Edith Robles told me something about likesociety dynamics, that if 20% of the population has a way of thinking, that is enough for it to spread completely through out...  there is nothing apparent here, but those 20% are probably hiding, once they come out, all must understand... couuld this be the beggining of a new age society? Lol, it doesnt feel like it.. yet? Hmhm.. my mind is open to the possibility.

Hmm, something is bothering me today... today a friend talked to me, she asked me how I was getting along with my roommate.  I said... (well I remembered that I was suppose to not let him look bad, so I said...) he’s cool... you know? Uh, well he tells me stuff, but... uh, its for the best... and she said, “ah so you understand... “ and I thought not much of it until now... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SUPPOSE TO FUCKING MEAN??!?!   That I was the one causing all the trouble and that my roommate “helped” me? That I gotta thank him now for “fixing” me up?,,, and so I realize that my mind closed up here... all that my roommate did, was spread rumors about me, and kept coming up with UNREASONABLE explanations to share with his fucking friends how much of an asshole I was... the reason I cleaned up my room and began to be all neat and tidy is NOT because I thought I was doing bad... it is because I realize that HE WAS LYING TO ME ALL THIS TIME.. pretending to be chill, pretending to be cool with everything I did... I freaking told him once,, “I dont want your crackers, because some people say that they like to share just to pretend to be nice, but really they go off complaining of how they had to share stuff with you, so no thanks I dont need your crackers” and he told me, that hypocrite told me, “im not like that foo, I dont lie”, WHAT A FUCKING biggest lie of a fUCK,, they even lie about themselves pretending.  And so I thought I could do my shit around him, but then I realize that he did infact mind all the stuff I did, by calling me an inconsiderate person for running the risk of smelling up the room from last semester’s roomate, so if he minded that, then he certainly minded the vinegar which he said it was O FUCKING K!!...  if he lies about this, and then he made Diana not trust me, probably by saying that I take all of his stuff... what A frikin hypocrite!!!  Thats why I cleaned up my room, thats why I sleep outside at night, because I also learned, although he wouldnt tell me straight out,, that my alarm bothered him.. so now that I know that, probably EVERYTHING I do bothers him, and I dont know HOW MUCH FUCK COMPLAINING HE IS saying behind my back,  I dont know exactly what else he minds... so to be considerate, I must not exist for him, because I know that if there is anything about me that bothers him he will not say anything, he will pretend he is ok with it, just like all the oother whitman college fucks, stingy bastards...  my mind is closed right now, its stuck on this possibility and interpretation, (something that Yonas doesnt even believe is possible to get out of, because whatever he says is right and must have evidence)  if anything he allowed me to keep feeling comfortable just to have something to complain about to all his friends..  and if, I open my mind and this be forgotten withing the ocean of reality, Let it be known that by God, I decided to overcome this interpretation, and that there was no feeling of guilt in anything I did before this.  All I want now is for everybody to turn against him for all the lies he spread, so he would feel rejected and to not be trusted as I was,  but I have a feeling that it is not suppose to turn  out this way...  its just my mind being closed.

Even if I feel ok, about a situation, I still know my mind is closed, because I dont feel open, I hide feelings towards others that express themselves indirectly, I must pay attention to these signs, who knows how many inhibitions there are due to these prejudices.  I must open, but HOW? How do I open up? I look around use my imagination think of endless things, of how or who God is? Of how I was born and the feeelings I was, llike if I was an angel what would have I done... like if I was a worm, with no other concern, then to live in the ground and never to learn, of the outside world the wonders there are, the laws there might be for the beings of above.. and I wonder now, what the angels think of me, what is the purpose on all of this, I open mind, but what does it mean, it doesnt seem easy but all I need is to become alive, to be aware, no inhibitions, no laws, now spare a life.  Let the will of the unknown manifest through me like water through a pipe, like wind through a fan, like ether through each infinitely small noneness of my existence.  Through and through, as I didnt exist but the will of the unknown through me.  But I still dont get it, is my mind open yet? I still see the world, as if I know whats going on, I still see the world as if I livd in reality, but all is an illusion, as long as I am human, I am never really completely alive, and nothing really ever makes sense.  I need to come up with a better method to open my mind, I guess a mantra.. I wish I knew, other than making an effort to use my imagination, to get mysel in situations that if it wasnt for my willingness I would get lost in anger and desperation, I need to get myself in situations that would force me to view the world with other eyes, and laugh at pain, laughter which indicates a transition to another realm, to another interpretation of our reality, to release the tension we had as we  were dragged into unknown territory, this is what laughter is, I heard that science has not really understood, if this is true it is because they are stuck wondering about reality, when will they combine forces with Truth? I await, I see what I have, I realize  the many things I am.. I want to open my mind, I am still afraid to go outside, so outside I will go, to let my mind be spurred, to allow imagination to take its motion... to seek another world.. I am off... I am afraid.. what is fear again? Remember..  and so it seems, that if I learn to laugh at it, that means I have understood, more than less, to live with it

OK SO THIS Is important, cmon, alright so I was walkingoutside, over the stream reading nicomachean ethics (I doubt it had anything to do with what I thought... now so I started thinking about how I needed to fix this situation I was in, I needed to fix it and I was concerend, I imagined the world was like this... ok so I tried to feel as if I was free of concern like an innocent child before its mother defiled... anyways so if I were to have a concern what would I do? I would go outside (or where the opportunities are), I would look for the fountain (that would solve all my problems), I woulld look for the chance, (to get rid of my concern) and these are everywhere (but only certain ones are seen), so this is why it sticks to my mind... because I am concerned that it shold be taken care of, IT MUST BE TAKEN CARE OF,, i want it to be  taken care of and I am worried that it will never get the chance to get cleared up... and so I keep it in my mind to await for the situation, to wait concerned about the chance to get it done and out of the way, this is what it means to be concerned... so, how do I take care of it... a couple of days ago, I explained why I was not  looking at girls in class anymore (I was actually paying attention), it was because I had it in me the plan the vision on what to do were I given the chance to approach them,  it was in me, the decision was part of me, and not just them but everyone else, so example since I am the kind of person that asks girls if they want to kiss,I do it all the time, I am not going to be concerned and keep thinking about these girls in class, because most likely it will happen whenever I see them again, and if not it wont rerally matter because I do it all the time, and these girls are just like any other, in the way that I dont know anything aobut them, so asking them or someone else would have the same possibility of hitting the jackpot... ok so what do we learn from this,, whenever a problem arises it is a call for a change of lifestyle,, you are concerned about this one thing  because when wuestions like these come up, you dont usually answer them correctly... so now, I must change my lifestyle so I would take care of the problem automatically without thinking about it, because thats just the way I am.. and this is it, whenever we get angry or uneasy, we can either take care of that one situation, or we can change our whole lifestyle to take care of that type of situation everywhere!!  If we are concerned and angry about one thing it is because we do not want to change our lifestyle, it is like we want the problem to not exist in our lives but not making the effort to prevent or treat them... so we want to stay in our comfort zone, in our own little world and way of life that pretends that this problem will never come up again.

So I thought about laughter and I thought I wrote about it but i guess not... oh yea I  wrote a lil phrase on it... ok so it says that if I laugh.it means I have understood it in a way that I am ok with living with it. So laughter is like ... oh gosh I really feel like if I already wrote about this...ok I did,,, so read it.. and there. Well, I just came back from man group, they invited me to the fall conference, I said I didnt know, then I thought about laughter and new world and whatnot, so I said yes... then they told me to contact Intervarsity staff... WTFUCK!! Dont you remember what you fuckng told me last semester.. you broke my heart to pieces after I semi-begged (I could have done a better job), and now you want me to kiss ass and ask you to please let me go to another one of your circus shows?  So I told another staff, “I dont know about that, because of what happened last semester...” and he said, “oh its ok, this is just a conference” oh so your saying that.... FUCK CMON,, oh its ok that you suck at making friends and you freak people out its ok, its not like we are letting you go to Urbana or whatever the hell it was called.  THE POINT IS THAT YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND YOUR LITTLE CHRISTIAN SISSIES and you have made that really CLEAR and there is NO FREAKIN REASON WHY I SHOULD ask you to please give me another chance at them because when I did honestly beg  you gave me no hope, YOU HAVE NO FAITH, FUCK YOU!!! you only let me go when you feel like ill behave, when you feel like you are right, you have no faith in God or in me, you need “evidence” to show that I “have become a better person” but you really dont give a shit of what I care, my heart is broken, I will not let you get me excited anymore.  If you let me go, then you are NOT leaving behind the other me that was so ready to go and was so excited to join NO,  you reject him? You reject me... I will not go... let me tell yoou, although it appears UGHHHH, the thought of what i would do, if I did go,, Ill kill every fuckin christian there just to prove to you that “evidence” doesnt always indicate the truth, GROW SOME FAITH!! And so I could just let it go.. yea thats what I must do, just laugh into it, break into submission, kiss ass, make them believe like if I really want another chance to prove myself...  and just laugh at how ridiculous this part of my life turned out to be. Haha ha, I feel better already.. did I mention I feel ridiculous,, God puts me through these things, he gives me these rules for a reason, I want to tell Him that He better not be shitting me, but who am i to say that... He gave me life and I love him for it, thinking about how I was before I was born makes me love life no matter where I am.. thank you God for this funny story... I love you. 

Agh muffled laughter,, I am in a state of mind, my life is a comedy, I cant hear them laugh but I feel them laughing behind that sound-proof glass, they laugh at me and my life, there is no music, the silence is the music of this world, because all the attention is in the dialouge there is no need for muse, only irony, the irony is the center of attention, muffled thoughts, muffled excitement, my life is a comedy and everybody laughs (even me) at my ironic misery... hmm maybe Im doing this wrong.