July 14, 2009

I decided to write about how I figured out the process of wondering and the order in which things came about as I was trying to figure out the basic foundations of my actions and beliefs. So first I worked out the first file in figuring out what we know. Then as I was starting to lay out the difference between life and death I saw the significance in action, verb as well as mental verb, awareness and creativity, and so wondering, interpreting after interpreting, to learn and relearn and wirness many worlds, so I wondered about wondering after I had already wondered, so it is not a method I set then followed, it is something that came naturally then I named it with introspection.

How and Why

File Location:  My Words/Completion (What we know)\Wondering/How and Why

Think how and why and how do you feel about

A character. The world is what you make it, now dont just follow on with the actions of others to be able to give a response, make an ation yourself, initiate, create a character not just a response.

How does one find these random things? How does one acquire the state of mind to find random things? This is what mistakes are for.

HOW and WHY

This is how I figured it out:

Why and how...

“Why” asks for the reasons. Why? = what are the reasons?

So there are 2 questions

1.       What are the reasons?

2.       How?

There is “how” and “why”, if “why” asks for the reasons what does “how” asks for?

“how” asks for, the causes. How? =  What are the causes?

When “why” asks for the reasons and purpose, “how” asks for the causes. 

Importance of “how” - And why would you need to know the causes? Because when you know what causes things then you will know how the “thing” becomes manifested, and therefore will be able to, or at least to determine if you are able to (questionable), arrange things in such a way that they become manifested.

Importance of “why” – so once you know how to do something, why would you need to know “why”?  If you know how to do something, but you dont have a reason or a purpose to do it, then you will have no reason to do.  Of course this does not mean that you are not able to do it, but it is not in you to do it, and you will be unconcerned about it, (and what happens when you are doing things that you are not concerned about? Read June 24 2009 in my diary ..\..\History\As I proceed.docx).  It would be like wafting the wind, you have no reason to do it, but if you are going to do something that you have no reason to do it, you may as well waft the wind.  Why not waft the wind instead of this?

So we  have 2 questions

1.       What are the reasons?

2.       What are the causes?

1.       Makes me “want” to manifest it.

2.       Shows me the ways to manifest it.

July 8, 2009

So I talk to God, and tell him that I am worried about all these things that may happen if I dont take care of earthly stuff like making money and getting my license.  I mean I have better things to do like straighten out my beliefs and pray pray pray, and talk to God and take notes on what I hear, but there are these things bugging me what if something different happens and I just dont go to college again?  So God asks me “so you are afraid of change? Is that it?”, and no, no Im not suppose to be afraid of change, change is beautiful, change is my life in the hands of God, change is what I want. Like that song from Relient K, “I think we are unto something, we are on to something good here, out of mind out of state trying to keep my head on straight... there is only one thing left to do, drop all I have and go with you! Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind, my problems fell out of the back my mind, we are going in a never knowing, never knowing where we are going, to go back to where I was would justbe wrong, Im pressing on.” :D  So no I am not afraid of change and if I am then I disgrace it and I set myself against it.  But this is an opportuity that I would letting go, I would be able to do alot of productive things.  So God says, “dont you trust that I may have other plans for you?” adn I say yes and please carry them on, I mean I dont even care to get my college degree and to get my license or to make money, I just want to do your will.  But its just that everyone around me thinks it is important and they question with idiot and faithless ideas of how am I gonna live and how will I think to help anybody, and sometimes, even though I think they are idiots, sometimes I sympathize.  And sometimes I am left convinced by the not so idiot ones, and I just wonder if I am wrong so it makes me afraid again.  What kind of work of tHE DEVIL IS THIS?!?! Send me an angel for once, Lord, if you may.

God of Probability

File Location: My Words/God/God of Probability

.  GOD OF PROBABILITY: I think it was in fourth grade the first time I considered the possibility that God was only a god of statistics, of probability, the He worked mainly through those things which human beings left unknown.  Which is why one prays for a certain outcome only when they are worried that the outcome may be something else then what is desired.  And even when things seem to be sure, God can act through the mediums that we as humans have missed.  I felt that something was wrong with this conclusion, God only being a god of probability would mean that He would be limited, and this seemed unGodly, so it is when I considered that God was not only a who is manifested in probability, but also a God who can work through the known, whenever a person is sure to be blessed, that is God acting, even though there is no other probable outcome, God still acts through this.  But really, so far we can only see God act through prababilty because we never know what else we could be missing when we try to predict an outcome of something.  But I am sure that  if one were to Know with True Knowledge, not only with the fallen race’s weak pretend knowledge, that something was True, God would even be able to act against that if He willed.  So everyday before any action is done, one is to be as careful as he can, to be careful that the his unknown matters may not cause him a death, there is no way that he can be aware of the unknown,it does not matter how much he knows, the only thing he can do is to pray and leave it in the hands of the Unknown.  The same way,  one can pray, to an Unknown force that has it all in His hands, to manifest outcomes that will enhance Life’s attributes, for guidance. 

June 29, 2009

I dont know what to think, every thing I am concluding leads to Buddhism.  In my 18 or something birthday my mom told me that I was the one that she offered to God while she was pregnant.  I have always, since I was 3 if I remember correctly, have considered myself a son of Existence,of God, and always to be in line with Truth.  Now I am concluding that there may not be such thing as Existence... is it the Truth that there is no God?  I feel that all of this has come to me in “such a young age” because of my blessed mom’s offering... but who was she offering me to? When I had my first elaboration on Buddhism, I refuted, as a believer of God, that what could have happened to Buddha and his vision of Emptiness, is that God did not allow him to see His Eternal majesty, (Buddha was fat btw, and this is significant information to note).  What Buddha saw in his vision was God’s doors that were locked letting not in those that He chose to not let in.  I realize that I must have been ignorant to offer such an explanation but there it was.  And now I am coming accross that myself, if there is anything behind this empty veil it is the Most High and His Great lock.  I believe my mom, being a christian and not believing anything else or having any doubts about God, would have offered me to the God of Moses and Abraham (and maybe Jesus Christ), if all of this is happening because of my mom’s offering and I am coming accross Buddha’s highest vision of emptiness, then the only thing left behind this lock is really the Most High.  I have faith, by my mother’s prayer, that God will let me in.

Then I thought, maybe a sign will suffice, but it has to be a sure sign that cannot be refuted by any explanation, a legitamate sign.  But what kind of sign would complete this criteria?  It can not be just any physical sign, or emotional, maybe not anything that would have to do with life.  Would God be able to work a sign for me that is out of life? Of course He can.  But what kind of sign would it be? The only thing I can think of would be that He would let me be Truth itself, maybe just for a second, to let me be God Himself, so that I would truly Know what it is like to Know, and that while I am Knowing, I Know that Truth is Real.  But then again, this would fit in as only an experience, and I probably wont know what it means.

June 24, 2009

I dont knwo whats going on with my body, for the last few days I have noticed, that I dont own the same passion and emotion, I dont enjoy things the way I used to. 

Have I lost my soul?  I find myself doing things I like and I can tell my body enjoys them, but I dont.

Is this how to tell that I have ascended? After much battling and playing with the wills of my body do I turn into a souless being? Like a vampire, that just lives and follows whatever he may but deep inside, he wants nothing in his heart? Is this what becomes of those who search for the outside of infinity, something without a being, without a body to represent it, without an art, without a soul, without a color.

I dont know what I want, and when I do want, I know it doesnt mean a thing, and when my body wants, I dont necessarily want with it.  I dont know who or what I am anymore, am I man?

Am I losing passion? Am I going to die? Am I depressed? Or am I  just growing up? Have I lost my holy spirit?

Maybe I feel like this because I am not finding anything new.  Maybe I need something new to drive me, to motivate, maaybe I am just tired of looking looking and not finding, or finding finding but missing out on the manifestations of these things I find.  Maybe I am ready for another world, maybe I am ready to move on...  maybe I am separating from my body, maybe Im leaving it behind, but where am I going, and who will take it over?

I dont like what I used to, I dont care for things, I just dont, I dont get excited, I am just living by the example that my old self left, but who am I?  My body just wants to be warm and comfortable, but who am I? Is my spirit dead, have I not a soul? But who am I?

(written on July 10, 2009 about the past) Oscar Figueroa said that he had this same feeling once, and he learned, by introspection that it was because he was denying something.  So I thought about what I could be denying and the next day it was half gone.  But I still wondered, why would denying something cause such a feeling?  In my case, “denying something” can more generally be explained as, I wasnot acting according to my beliefs, so I was denying beliefs, or denying what I was doing.  But I still wondered, why does it feel like that?  I thought about it and concluded that it was because I was concerned, and since I was concerned about something else, I was unconcerned about whatever I was doing at the time, I was not very focussed on it.  Everything I did all day was not something that I was concerned about, so I did not feel like it was in me to do it, I did not feel like I was doing it.  I guess.

around June 12, 2009

As I sit to think, I am attacked for me to make a decision,

What is it that I want to be?

And I dont have an answer. So all there is, is the frustration of this undecisiveness.

And as I am bound to hold an identity, while I dont know what to choose, I am my frustration, my identity is my confusion.

I just really want to find my true self without help and without influence of anything else, my life seems blank and colorless, but I dont want to listen to any music because I dont want to contaminate my personal creative essence.

(Around this time I recorded something on my MP3.. this is what I said: )

Here is my problem, with these people, I have a way of doing things.. if I sense that a certain person is going to reject me, I just back away,  even if they think they like me because I pretend to be someone else around them.. if you really knew who I was, you wouldnt be treating me like this, so please stop treating me nice, because it makes me think of how ignoratn youare.. there is my way, then there is a gay way... crafty as a snake, they make people fond of them, for some reason they care to be accepted... and so they trick them...  but those who accept have not really learned anything, they havent really opeened their mind, they are still closed... this is why, this is my problem... they think they are acccepting the outcasts, but they are only accepting those who have kissed ass, for them to understand them... everybody else... they are still as closed as ever.

And so this is why I like to do what I do, what I prefer, I want to make people feel uncomfortable, I want to makee them feel ashamed, that they are afraid, cowards, prejudice, ashamed that they are not taking a chance, that they have no faith, that trhye are not speaking up for themselves, or standing up for themselves. HWO the fuck reports me, for something like what I did, only white people would mind that... its such a big deal to report it, “they seemed concerned about you” concerned they were only concerned about themselves... I want to make them feel prejudice, to give them an incentivve to change.. not to beeat themselves up, but to give them an incentive to open my mind.