June 24, 2009

I dont knwo whats going on with my body, for the last few days I have noticed, that I dont own the same passion and emotion, I dont enjoy things the way I used to. 

Have I lost my soul?  I find myself doing things I like and I can tell my body enjoys them, but I dont.

Is this how to tell that I have ascended? After much battling and playing with the wills of my body do I turn into a souless being? Like a vampire, that just lives and follows whatever he may but deep inside, he wants nothing in his heart? Is this what becomes of those who search for the outside of infinity, something without a being, without a body to represent it, without an art, without a soul, without a color.

I dont know what I want, and when I do want, I know it doesnt mean a thing, and when my body wants, I dont necessarily want with it.  I dont know who or what I am anymore, am I man?

Am I losing passion? Am I going to die? Am I depressed? Or am I  just growing up? Have I lost my holy spirit?

Maybe I feel like this because I am not finding anything new.  Maybe I need something new to drive me, to motivate, maaybe I am just tired of looking looking and not finding, or finding finding but missing out on the manifestations of these things I find.  Maybe I am ready for another world, maybe I am ready to move on...  maybe I am separating from my body, maybe Im leaving it behind, but where am I going, and who will take it over?

I dont like what I used to, I dont care for things, I just dont, I dont get excited, I am just living by the example that my old self left, but who am I?  My body just wants to be warm and comfortable, but who am I? Is my spirit dead, have I not a soul? But who am I?

(written on July 10, 2009 about the past) Oscar Figueroa said that he had this same feeling once, and he learned, by introspection that it was because he was denying something.  So I thought about what I could be denying and the next day it was half gone.  But I still wondered, why would denying something cause such a feeling?  In my case, “denying something” can more generally be explained as, I wasnot acting according to my beliefs, so I was denying beliefs, or denying what I was doing.  But I still wondered, why does it feel like that?  I thought about it and concluded that it was because I was concerned, and since I was concerned about something else, I was unconcerned about whatever I was doing at the time, I was not very focussed on it.  Everything I did all day was not something that I was concerned about, so I did not feel like it was in me to do it, I did not feel like I was doing it.  I guess.