around June 12, 2009

As I sit to think, I am attacked for me to make a decision,

What is it that I want to be?

And I dont have an answer. So all there is, is the frustration of this undecisiveness.

And as I am bound to hold an identity, while I dont know what to choose, I am my frustration, my identity is my confusion.

I just really want to find my true self without help and without influence of anything else, my life seems blank and colorless, but I dont want to listen to any music because I dont want to contaminate my personal creative essence.

(Around this time I recorded something on my MP3.. this is what I said: )

Here is my problem, with these people, I have a way of doing things.. if I sense that a certain person is going to reject me, I just back away,  even if they think they like me because I pretend to be someone else around them.. if you really knew who I was, you wouldnt be treating me like this, so please stop treating me nice, because it makes me think of how ignoratn youare.. there is my way, then there is a gay way... crafty as a snake, they make people fond of them, for some reason they care to be accepted... and so they trick them...  but those who accept have not really learned anything, they havent really opeened their mind, they are still closed... this is why, this is my problem... they think they are acccepting the outcasts, but they are only accepting those who have kissed ass, for them to understand them... everybody else... they are still as closed as ever.

And so this is why I like to do what I do, what I prefer, I want to make people feel uncomfortable, I want to makee them feel ashamed, that they are afraid, cowards, prejudice, ashamed that they are not taking a chance, that they have no faith, that trhye are not speaking up for themselves, or standing up for themselves. HWO the fuck reports me, for something like what I did, only white people would mind that... its such a big deal to report it, “they seemed concerned about you” concerned they were only concerned about themselves... I want to make them feel prejudice, to give them an incentivve to change.. not to beeat themselves up, but to give them an incentive to open my mind.