December 14, 2010

Anticipating the effects (damages) and willingness to experience them (sacrifice), this is what freedom is made of.

           

I have derived a new reason that justifies my behavior towards “these people”, a new reason that explains what my hate is made of.

            It is not necessarily hate towards them, but mere dissatisfaction towards the fact that I do not know how to deal with them.  At church, my personality type was said to be unforgiving; but it is not that I do not want to forgive the person and get along with them, it is just that deep inside I know they have not forgiven me.  Although they may say that they have forgiven me, they have not made the necessary changes in themselves to accept me.  True forgiveness means that if the same person were to make the same mistake or attack again, you would not feel against them.  With this in mind one can see how “these people” only pretend to have forgiven me, but they damn well know that their new found affection is conditional; the condition being that I am not the person I was.

            The problem is that I am still the same person, and so are they; and because I see this, and because I do not like to pretend, I express the fact that they have not forgiven me, by not letting them “forgive” me, by not forgiven them.  The problem is that I am still the same person, and so are they; and because I see this, and because I do not like to pretend, I express the fact that they do not yet accept me, by not letting them “accept” me, by not accepting them or their false version of acceptance, their conditional acceptance, their oppressive acceptance, my oppressive acceptance.  We are incompatible and not one of us has made the necessary changes to forgive the other. 

            I now know that I do not blame them, but I am still dissatisfied with the relationship.  I am still dissatisfied at the fact that we cannot get along.  If we are to get along, one of us will have to change, until then, there is no point in trying, there is no point in pretending that we get along, it just makes each of our lives harder.  I will take my own time, and make room for my torment; keep the demon, that comes between us, in the closet; until I learn to tame it.  I want to learn to forgive you before I even try the same thing again.  One of us will have to change for this to work; I will do my part the best I can.