Yes I am paranoid, and no I am not crazy. I just found out that a lot of things that I had been paranoid about are actually true; which makes my present paranoia feel even more legitimate.
(Deep inside, I know that this shouldn’t make a difference).
My mind collects and recollects memories, as many as it can, to support my paranoia; now that it was given the green light to strengthen itself, by being proved right. My mind is now after the worse scenarios it can assemble with the little coincidences that it has picked up along the way. Every little detail throughout my days at Whitman counts as fuel to keep my mind boiling.
(Deep inside, I know it shouldn’t matter).
What is it with this mob mentality that is so predominant here? People keep proving themselves as not being able to able to think on their own. But like Maherin said, “People come here to get a degree [and an education], not to become better [more open-minded] people.”
(Deep inside, I know it shouldn’t matter).
I thought people would be able to handle the truth, I thought people here would be open minded, but they have proven themselves to be more closed then I have ever met.
(Deep inside, I know it shouldn’t matter).
Really? The assumptions that they make about me! And how they respond to me because of those assumptions, they don’t even check if the rumors are true, or if they do they check with the intention of having been right all along. These people are the darkest force I have ever faced. (deep down inside…) I cant even believe the stuff I have heard about myself. I wouldn’t mind if they wouldn’t mind, what I mind is that those people are creating their own hell by themselves, and placing it on me, and act as if I was hell reigning terror on them.
(Jimmy… you have done the same to them…)
My weakness is no greater than theirs; but neither is my strength if I am not able to let this go.
Just so you guys know, when I talk about Whitman being hell and revealing the dark spots in my mind, it’s not just about me venturing into my mind to drive myself crazy. It is about the things that happen that make people tick, things that people do that torment the mind.
Just because I am messing with my mind to figure out what this suffering means does not mean that my suffering is solely caused by the scheming of my mind; again my suffering is indeed self-imposed, but by this I am saying that every person’s suffering is because they do not understand something about their life, they lack something. My demons are no greater than theirs, I just admit my torment to myself more than they do.
And this is what I am trying to make clear; it is not about me and my ventures into insanity. It is about me realizing that all of humanity is insane and trying to find a way out. Deep down inside, I know that there is no use trying to “fix these people”, trying to alleviate this suffering by external means, trying to put back together this broken heart, trying to get back at those who did me wrong, trying to teach a lesson to the inconsiderate; there is no point in saving the fallen.
Because it doesn’t matter how much perfection they reach, the imperfection that once was, will always be; in this realm, in this time, scarring reality for all of eternity; Satan has forever left his mark.
It is a mystery to be able to heal this wound; forgetting that it ever happened would be an imperfection in itself. How could something be a blessing if we can only obtain it through ignorance? God does not rid the world of evil, but shines light upon it, so that it bows down and becomes one with Him once again.
My mind is still on fire, my torment is no different than the suffering you go through, and my demons are no greater than yours. I just hate it too much to just leave it alone and pretend that nothing like it will ever happen again, ever in Eternity:
If I hate something, I think it should not have ever existed, not for me, not for anyone else. I realize that its impossible to get rid of pain eternally, so there must be something I am failing to understand about this life, about this eternity. What is the deal with this shit anyways? Have you ever asked yourself why there is suffering in the world? Have you ever tried to look for an answer? Not just any answer, but a legitimate and solid answer?
This is why I play mind games with myself, because there is this puzzle I need to solve, this life I need to figure out.
I know the answer, and I know it’s true, but I can’t bring myself to believe in it.
I think about this and how every temptation, how bondage, addiction and suffering all work, blindness and darkness, how indulgence only leads to greater sin. These concepts become too real to ignore. How can people be blind to the truth of this spiritual warfare? How can anyone not believe in a world beyond our modern society? I realize, again, that the physical world is merely composed of the shadows casted from the spiritual battlefield; our vision is too blurred to see, and our minds are too disoriented to understand. Do the classic texts teach us nothing about life? Why the hell were the stories told? What were the gods and the influences that these people were referring to? Even if they were written for mere entertainment, there must be a reason why the imagination can reach such wonders beyond the simple instinct of survival. Even without texts, doesn’t the mere fact of being alive mean anything more than just “ok I’ll play along while I am here”? Doesn’t it make you want to ask “What the hell?! (What’s hell?) What the what?!”
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