June 12, 2010

I love you all, and to all of those I hate, fear and deny, I do not need to apologize, since I am only hurting myself.

In my first year in college and around there, I always wrote about this one instance in my life when I thought and realized many things.  I always describe it when I was about 5 or 6 years old as I was trying to sleep, looking up at the stars, wondering what I was, wondering what was existence, how did distance exist, how was I alive.  And I always used this as an example or as a source of an idea about reality that I had.  ButI always wondered, did I really think of all of those things in this one night?  Now I realize that I did not have to think about the ideas, but the ideas that I produced were my beliefs about reality as I was in that state of mind.  When one realizes something, is not that they have learned something, but it is a outward manifestation of their state of mind; first is the state of mind, then a question is asked, in which noww the answer is apparent.  So everything I write here is useless, since I am only describing a state of mind (like poetry) but this description is not giving directions to get there.  And everything I have written is useless, since when I achieve a higher state of mind, all of this will be only common sense according to the state of mind I am in.  There are things that I do not know the answer to, but when I obtain the Truth, I will have the answer to everything, everything will be clear and it will all make sense.  I will not need to ask questions since I will already have the answer, and I will not need to write anything down to reflect what I believe, since my beliefs are already part of me.  If one wants revelation, all they have to do is ask, if anyone wants an answer, if anyone searches for satisfaction, they will receive from me as much as they allow themselves to receive.

I’ve been raped, I’ve been raped, I’ve been given life without consent.

When I was young, I have said this before, that I used to clasp myhands together and wonder about what was inside, that everytime I looked it would disappear.  I yearned for Reality to be itself as I looked, I did not want to control it.  I remember more now, I would lay in the dark, wanting reality to show itself to me, completely.  I remember strangling a cat, telling it to talk, I kne it could understand me, and I knew it could talk.  I had a feeling that the rest of the world was doing things behind my back.  And this is what was inside my hands, the whatever that it was, the Truth about Reality.  If I did not exist, Reality would not have to be afraid of me, I thought.  I would lay in the dark and rpomise not to judge, I would look at objects and wonder what they would look like if no one was watching them.  I pretended to not exist, and I would expect anything, I would wait for any sign from the Lord.

Girl accross the street, I want one like her, not afraid to show her rags; with all her raggedy friends? I bet she is just a conformist, I hate conformists.  Damn conformist vampires,up to nothing but evil.  They do not know themselves the death they are part of.  But even this, is awesome part of life.  Love all.  Go ahead and spread your death my love, and when you blindly reject me I will love you still, a wonder of life you have expressed, and there is nothing I can hate.

If its true that mankind has a tendency to imitate, then we fall into sin by the example of others.  Therefore it is up to us to set our eyes on a holier example, something as noble as matter?  But even animals are not completely noble.  If nobility comes in degrees, then something as “inanimate” as matter may not be completely True; even if it was, mankind has a tendency to project its humanity on things which are not human, therefore creating and thus reinforcing its sin.  I would think that a man would be happier if he was alone, with no other human being to follow; but other having other human beings is only a cursed priviledged created by our minds.  Human beings exist because we let them, we see and follow their sinful example because the sin is already part of us; you cannot blame anyone else for your flaws, because the flaws that you see in them are only part of you.

As a kid, someone once told me that they would not tell me something because I didnt know it.    It is kind of like the pattern that happens, when a kid has no friends, and no one approaches him because he has no friends; therefore for him to gain any friends he would have to already have friends.  Or like when girls only want to have sex with “experienced” guys; but if only the “experienced” guys are getting all the action then how is anybody suppose to become experienced?  Now they are forced to lie?  Although this seems unfair, this lawproduces a simple question with a mysterious answer:

How can you learn something that you do not have access to unless you already know?

This is the ordeal that one faces with Life, with obtaining Eternity and earning a Soul.  You can only know how to become Alive if you are already Alive.  At first this seems unfair, but the Truth is that by God’s grace we are all born Alive.How can you learn something that you do not have access to unless you already know?

The answer is that you must realize that you have always known.  It is by Reality’s grace that we have access to Truth, because we already do, just by being, by God’s grace.

I do not believe in the differentiation between matter and emptiness.  The emptiness that we see in matter is nothing but the matter that we have not processed, accepted, realized.  So there is no such thing as emptiness, everything is substantial, everything is matter, the Univverse is completely filled, the ether. that constructs distance, is not emptiness.  There is no emptiness, only unknown.  Reality is fully substantial, and yet this very substance is what inspires the concept emptiness, this subtances conceives emptiness.

June 9, 2010

Okay so Im trying to pay attention, not just when I lay down, but when I walk and do my stuff.   I felt something ago, something like fantasies were being made as they were present: unlike when you watch t.v. fantasies are created but not accomplished, because “they are not real” they are on t.v., but mine were created in my life, and because my desires were created from what I was going through, they were being satisfied as they were created; this is what I felt.

Our inner-most desire is to appreciate the Truth.  This is why we feel ashamed when we realize that we were wrong about something or someone, when we did not believe that something was possible, and yet the proof of our blindness is staring at us in the face.  When we realize that we have been successfully deceived, when we realize that we have missed out on our chance because of our cursed ignorance.  But this regret is only again the result of failing to appreciate the Truth, and the Infinite possibilities that show that you still have life.  Most importantly, this means that we have to accept everything, and every possibility, denying not any truth, nor any disbelief.  You cannot get rid of disbelief by disbelieving in disbelief.  You cannot come up with the rule to look inside every phone booth for change, because I missed the checking for change that one time that there was, there is so much you are missing, and it is not always in the phone booth.  You dont have to come up with laws for yourself to get rid of the possibility of losing, you have to get rid of laws that keep you from winning (in simpler terms, do not judge, by any for of appearance, but believe in the God of miracles).

June 5, 2010

If only, if only; if only I had such and such I would still find something else to not be satisfied.  Satisfaction is not in any corruptible thing; satisfaction is here and now, here and now your fantasies are being realized.

Meaning of life: one of the other things that I wrote over winter break that I lost the paper but I kind of remember is, to mean everything you do.  You must mean everything you do, when you are walking, walk like you mean it, if you are everconfused, be confused like you mean it, get deppressed like you mean it, do things against your will like you mean it regret your actions like you mean it, dont mean your actions like you mean it. Every moment of your life, no matter whaat it is, mean it.  And when you manage to mean every infinitely small moment of your life, you will experience the full fledged meaning of life.

I wrote this over winter break as jibberish, and as a pun about “meaning” of life.  But now I realize that it is what I am trying to achieve.  As I try to “pay attention” everything that goes on in this world feels like its part of me, like I am trying to admit it, I am trying to admit the Truth, unlike when I am trying to deny it.

Worst than not knowing, is not knowing that you dont know.

Living by grace.

Mankind has an unsatisfiable desire, it can only be satisfied with something Infinite.

Paying attention vs. Realizing Truth

So far its in realizing that you are alive, and realizing that there are greater matters in life, I guess I used to practiced seeing how lower matters didnt matter.  But what did I mean by, looking up at the sky? (I remember writing, “stop being a pig and look at the sky”). What did I see in the sky?  What did it mean to me?  Right now it just looks like a wall, I think, I mean, thats wat I feel when I see it.  I guess to see behind this wall, I must be able to “pay attention” to it, or to the part of me that says that its more than just a wall (its a Great fucking wall).

Our bodies, or even more comprehensively, existence in this realm was meant for us to realize this.  Because whereever you see one, you can always see “other”, and whereever you see great, you can always see greater, and God is the “greatest” so that we always have hope for something greater, even if we never reach, complete God.  And now I remember why I was feeling free that nigth I Nina made me cry, it was because I realized that even if I was condemned to hell, God would still Be, and that is all that actually matters, even if not to me.  God can do whatever he want, no matter how “evil” he may seem, however he creates us is Glory.  Even if He doesnt create us, His existence is still Glory; even if He doesnt exist, THIS IS the Glorious. God the paradox, It will Always be.  He is everywhere and in every imaginable realm.

Its not about getting rid of your problems, its about getting rid of thinking its a big deal.

June 3, 2010

Yesterday I was listening to “Sonny” by New Found Glory, an thinking about how I yearned to become one with God, to become one with Truth and Beauty.  My goal in life is to be completely alive.  Amen, to become one with this being, one with my true Love. 

And thinking about it in this way, I also allowed myself to reduce the concept to a more mudane love story of two lovers who are looking to do more for each other than live for the other.  They are so desperately in love with each other, and such dreaming spirits that they reach to become each other. 

They spend time with each other and when they are not with each other, they think about each other.  The love does not fade, but grows instead.  It grows stronger every day so that they must look for more ways to live.  Because of this they find ways to be with each other without actually being there, they are in each others dreams, and soon they learn supernatural ways of being with one another.  Out of their yearning they get a taste of their new goal, to be each other, or out of a dream, or vision, or message.  They live their love life in supernatural levels.  They are so happy together.  After a chain of visions they decide to move forward and take the step into another world, where challenges will be presented to test their seemingly perfect love.  If the problems that they had in this world seemed bad, they would come to unimaginable challenges in this other world.  While they are gone, there is a light element in their home, anyone who goes in to look for them would feel an element that feels clear bright, undescribable, someone would not be satisfied by saying that “it feels different”, one would not feel that they would get the message accross by saying that “you have no idea”, it doesnt look different, it doesnt feel different, it doesnt sound different, or smell; but its just brighter, clearer, peaceful (not calmer).  As days go by it grows stronger, and the range increases, nobody knows what to do about it, where have they gone? Should they call the cops? Is it really botehring them? nobody knows what it is or how its affecting them or if its even affecting them.  years go by and the element has increased dramatically, it never fades, though no one can even conceive of what it would mean for it to.

The world they have travelled to is sort of a spiritual environment, where memories are stored and emotions fledged out.  In it, they go through many scenerios of understanding love.  They go thorugh the process and witness parallel universes in their past and understand why they have been able to love each other  this far.They understand each other and themselves in new levels.  They go through timeless experiences so its like they have been with each other even before they were conceived.

When they become one person, the universe is immersed in this light essence that can never go away, the universed has been changed forever, though no one is sure how (could be the typical movement of fate).  This is what one considers to be a complete human being, satisfied with oneself, with new and greater strengths.  They have reached their goal, and they are now the light element that was once only portrayed in an indirect way.

Looking back at who it was before, they wonder... 

among others, it loves itself fully; it sees the world differently, it feels complete.  The reasons why it has obtained new strengths is because of how it sees the world.

Thinking of all the things that it thought it would lose by becoming one person.

It is admired by others, but not infatually admired, but as others see it, they hope to one day, reach what “they” have reached.

It now inspires as it lives, it loves for love, for the sake of itself.  It trusts itself and it does not make itself jealous.

In the second part of the story, it meets new challenges in the spiritual world.  And they meet the same challenges to be at peace with Life (what they have missed).

Others that have witnessed this wonder strive for the same goal, and with the light element everybody reaches this goal until its the norm to reach this goal.  (The story does not reveal it yet, but this complete person is just like anyone else.) To show this, there is a third part to the story which is about one partner who’s partner dies before their consummation.  As everyone else is happily being joined, this one is left alone, and looks for no other.  Something strange happened in them that the mind of one went into the other’s body, and what was left was eliminated, so that they mind of the lover will now live in the body of the loved.  Which he/she feels a sense of satisfaction in a strange way.  Though this person is not complete; it finds out that, in spirit, the mind of it’s lover still dwells in the body, and that the body is changing according to both.  So in another sense of world the same is hapening but the other way around... only in spirit.

Yesterday I was listening to “Sonny” by New Found Glory, an thinking about how I yearned to become one with God, to become one with Truth and Beauty.  My goal in life is to be completely alive.  Amen, to become one with this being, one with my true Love. 

And thinking about it in this way, I also allowed myself to reduce the concept to a more mudane love story of two lovers who are looking to do more for each other than live for the other.  They are so desperately in love with each other, and such dreaming spirits that they reach to become each other. 

They spend time with each other and when they are not with each other, they think about each other.  The love does not fade, but grows instead.  It grows stronger every day so that they must look for more ways to live.  Because of this they find ways to be with each other without actually being there, they are in each others dreams, and soon they learn supernatural ways of being with one another.  Out of their yearning they get a taste of their new goal, to be each other, or out of a dream, or vision, or message.  They live their love life in supernatural levels.  They are so happy together.  After a chain of visions they decide to move forward and take the step into another world, where challenges will be presented to test their seemingly perfect love.  If the problems that they had in this world seemed bad, they would come to unimaginable challenges in this other world.  While they are gone, there is a light element in their home, anyone who goes in to look for them would feel an element that feels clear bright, undescribable, someone would not be satisfied by saying that “it feels different”, one would not feel that they would get the message accross by saying that “you have no idea”, it doesnt look different, it doesnt feel different, it doesnt sound different, or smell; but its just brighter, clearer, peaceful (not calmer).  As days go by it grows stronger, and the range increases, nobody knows what to do about it, where have they gone? Should they call the cops? Is it really botehring them? nobody knows what it is or how its affecting them or if its even affecting them.  years go by and the element has increased dramatically, it never fades, though no one can even conceive of what it would mean for it to.

The world they have travelled to is sort of a spiritual environment, where memories are stored and emotions fledged out.  In it, they go through many scenerios of understanding love.  They go thorugh the process and witness parallel universes in their past and understand why they have been able to love each other  this far.They understand each other and themselves in new levels.  They go through timeless experiences so its like they have been with each other even before they were conceived.

When they become one person, the universe is immersed in this light essence that can never go away, the universed has been changed forever, though no one is sure how (could be the typical movement of fate).  This is what one considers to be a complete human being, satisfied with oneself, with new and greater strengths.  They have reached their goal, and they are now the light element that was once only portrayed in an indirect way.

Looking back at who it was before, they wonder... 

among others, it loves itself fully; it sees the world differently, it feels complete.  The reasons why it has obtained new strengths is because of how it sees the world.

Thinking of all the things that it thought it would lose by becoming one person.

It is admired by others, but not infatually admired, but as others see it, they hope to one day, reach what “they” have reached.

It now inspires as it lives, it loves for love, for the sake of itself.  It trusts itself and it does not make itself jealous.

In the second part of the story, it meets new challenges in the spiritual world.  And they meet the same challenges to be at peace with Life (what they have missed).

Others that have witnessed this wonder strive for the same goal, and with the light element everybody reaches this goal until its the norm to reach this goal.  (The story does not reveal it yet, but this complete person is just like anyone else.) To show this, there is a third part to the story which is about one partner who’s partner dies before their consummation.  As everyone else is happily being joined, this one is left alone, and looks for no other.  Something strange happened in them that the mind of one went into the other’s body, and what was left was eliminated, so that they mind of the lover will now live in the body of the loved.  Which he/she feels a sense of satisfaction in a strange way.  Though this person is not complete; it finds out that, in spirit, the mind of it’s lover still dwells in the body, and that the body is changing according to both.  So in another sense of world the same is hapening but the other way around... only in spirit.