July 14, 2011

Me: Why am I here?

God: The question that needs to be answered is not “Why are you here?”, but “Why are you asking these questions in the first place.”  The answer to this is more understandable and worthwhile; you are asking such questions because you are here.  If you were not in this state of mind, you would not feel the need to ask such things, you would not feel like this is missing.  The environment you are in is structured so, it is a given in the form of a question, but it is an answer in fact; an answer that possesses you from the inside and uses your body to manifest itself in this world. 

Me: If this is the case, all I would need to do to end this question is change my state of mind…

God: Yes, all this is, this environment is such that turns logic against itself, a contradiction… This is why you feel the need to find an answer; this is why you feel as if the world does not make sense.  All you need to do is straighten out the twists and tangles that cause this contradiction inside of you.  So that the statement that dwells in your mind is not anymore, “Why is it so?” but plainly, “It is so”.

July 13, 2011

Laying down again, I think I am onto something… that I let go of.  It had something to do with closing a circle and letting it go: like finding out that finding out is a waste of time (not really, but similar structure).

As I am trying to remember it, it certainly does not feel if this is the final answer; but if I learned anything from my experiences is that feelings are irrelevant to the value of the answer, and that fate can change as quickly as one changes his mind, with only as much weight as a decision.

July 12, 2011

Early in the night.

I am laying down, feeling my blood rush around my body, I only feel tired when I stand on my feet because gravity weighs down on the circulation.

                I’m still thinking about taking that walk; I hesitate to go out the fence.  I try to think of everything as perfect.  When I do, my perfect body becomes separate from the perfect environment; they are two different things. 

                As I am walking back into the house, I think of how this may be a good and productive mental exercise, seeing everything as perfect will probably train my mind to match everything into perfection; the idea certainly does make sense.  But what if I want it to be “awesome” instead?  Or what if I crave a drama or a comedy at the moment…  now I am torn apart.  Great, another block that makes me hesitate to even try.

                As I see the movies on the rack, my mind escapes, into each movie I look at, and yearns to experience each one.  As I think of the world as perfect, it all turns back into a rack of movies; there is not enough time in the world to look at every possible movie anyway. 

                So should it be perfect or awesome? Whatever I may make it, it would only be as great as my mind allows it to be, and nothing more.  What if instead of choosing what it is, what if I just let it be itself.  So instead of “the universe is perfect” or “the universe is awesome”, instead it is “the universe IS!!! (bland)”… and that is why my mind feels it is boring to not judge, because I believe that things without judgment are things without flavor.  I put that “bland” in parenthesis, because I did not anticipate my mind saying that, it just happened automatically.  But it just shows how hard it is to say that “the universe IS…” without saying anything else ahead of it. 

Focus on breathing…

In an attempt to behold as much as possible I found that it may be inefficient “trying to find something” to behold, because as I am scanning to find such an object I am only skipping over and ignoring what passes by.  This movement is not sincere to the goal, so I focus on my breathing and hold on to it as I move out.  If I forget about my breathing then it only guarantees that I am deliberately letting something go.  Distractions are those things that divert me from others.

Hopefully by learning this confusion I will let go of the habit of wandering aimlessly around my mind, making idle each one of my thoughts.

Still, I am not sure how not being distracted by one thing, is supposed to help expand my awareness to other things.  I do know that, not being distracted can mean that I am not being manipulated by desire… maybe this concept can help me understand how it works.

So I found a way to describe my current state:

Everything I do is wrong.  I can’t even read the Bible without feeling like I am wasting my time.  I cannot pray unless I make sure not to ask for anything.  If I do what I want, it is bad; if I do what I think is right, it is wrong.  So I do not let myself do anything basically, and I go through the whole day, trying to figure out a way to free myself from my accusations.  Then, I take a break by doing what I want.  And so it seems like a completely unproductive day, where besides doing nothing, the only other thing I do is whatever the hell I want.

July 11, 2011

Chasing hypothetical spirits.

 

Late at night

I’m on my way to take a walk and think of my next step.  I am trying to get a job these days.  You know, this could become easier with a little magic.  The option is there, but just looking at it makes my dreams crumble; making me realize that it will turn to dust sooner or later. 

If I try to keep alive what is only mortal, I can only extend its sentence.  A death sentence is a death sentence, no matter what you do before it: if someone told you to look at what you may before they erased your memory, you would realize that it does not matter what you look at, because in the end it will be like you never saw it; and what is the value of delaying this event?

I do not go with this option as a sign of accepting what is being allotted to me.  If I put myself in this situation, let my punishment come as it should.  Whether this situation is a result of my ignorance or lack of “luck”, I can only remain with the same type of fortune if I decide to post-pone it.  If I do not let the winds flow, they will wait in place.  I cannot depend on death to liberate me from judgment; judgment is as sure as this world is real; this I can only feel.  If I try to cheat my punishment, I will only be punished more for cheating.  I must remain sincere, and grow valiant to face my fate.  The punishment for fleeing is cowardice, and the punishment for hiding my face is lack of dignity. 

I wish I could write this down, but I feel that whatever comes to me only does so because it is the least important of what I have yet to learn.  The more time I waste writing things down, the longer I have to wait for the best answers to come.

So I was balancing myself on a fallen over cylinder of sort, it rolled and I was not able to stay on it.  As I thought about it I realized that my posture did not allow me to have control, and so I fell off.  But I had this posture for a reason, I just couldn’t remember why.  “This event happened only seconds ago, and you cannot remember this little detail? Do you realize how ineffective your mind is?!”, “It’s only so ineffective because you keep talking to me.”

Accusing myself takes my mind off of the world, what if I try approving of what I do?

As I think about this, I think of a situation that it may not help.  Like if I am “obviously” doing something wrong but approve of it, still.  I must approve of it at all times, in all levels (yea, in all levels… that’s the tricky part).  But I shouldn’t just approve of what I do, but what there is around me, and all that happens.  As I try to feel this, I can feel the grace of that which holds all that there is; and it becomes true, the universe is in God’s hands and therefore, it is perfect.

July 7, 2011

I think the main method that I used to use back in high school, and I remember this, was to tell myself that whatever I was aiming for, what I wanted, there were greater things in life than it.  I basically reminded myself that it did not constitute the greatness of life.  My mind would then realize that what I wanted was not as important or necessary as I thought it was and be able to look around again.

The problem with that method is that: 1) it is a method, 2) although I succeed in freeing my mind it suggest that I am still after something else.  Another problem could be that it does not guarantee my mind being free, it just detaches me from whatever I choose at the moment; so its kind of like a hand pistol… and nothing better against this eternal ghost of darkness.