November 18, 2010

I feel like my future is reaching for me, the dawn of a new day, and by new I mean a new type of day: the fulfillment of my every desire.

These are two ways in which one can receive blessings: through blindness (serendipity) and through understanding the means.  I would assume understanding would be better then blindly, but blindness has its beauties…

It seems like each style has its own dynamics: As one is aware of what is behind the curtains, or as one sacrifices to chance without keeping record.  Or maybe! Serendipity is just a sensation one can also control, just like the knowing.

November 17, 2010

Reading on Tantra I compare my steps.  I think about them in terms of tantric methods, and realize that God has a plan for me; or at least provided me with the “meaningful life” that I had always asked him for.

In my mind there are many visualizations of the universe which can certainly be used as methods to strengthen, change, or discipline the spirit to increase the awe in everyday life.  Just right now I felt how every little action each one does changes completely the fate of the universe from the great strangeness that it might have turned out to be.

      To make the spirit invisible, rid of responsibility, untouchable by this world’ how every little action affects, the universe in other’s eyes, that the existence of the human being as  we know it depends on the smallest details of their actions and yet, that is not his essence, he is free from judgment. 

      In my mind there come dreams and fantasies of greater awe, emotions that are reserved for novels, music and other works; these deep feelings are the essence of musical enjoyment.  These emotions come as part of our own world as I visualize the many aspects of this universe.  I get this all the time, ways, paths to make our greatest dreams, those dreams deep inside our soul.  Those dreams that we have given up on, because to us they seem unattainable, in our culture, they seem unattainable to the point that they seem  illogical; illogical to the point that they seem ungraspable; ungraspable to the point that we cannot even visualize; unable to visualize to the point that we don’t even  think they exist; inexistent to the point that they seem meaningless; meaningless to the point that they seem silly; silly to the point that they seem immature; immature to the point that they seem like a regress; regress to the point that they seem evil to even think of them… and that’s where all the flavor of life has gone.

      But I have these all the time.  They are too common to me, poetry that would bring these back to life.  But I do not write them down because I am in search of something greater than these methods.

      Because not matter what dream we achieve, in time it becomes the insipid wind each one of us tastes today.

      This element that I search for not only allows us to reach our hidden dreams but will reveal the dreams within our present state and within the time we once considered wasted years; it will reveal the dreams within the actions we once considered a waste of time; it will reveal the intentions that we considered a waste of action; reveal life within those entities that spurred death, decay, failure, meaninglessness, inaction, pointless idleness.  It will reveal the light within the thickest darkness.

The trick is not to despise desire, but if trying to do anything to seek a greater world beyond this desire.  Even if the interpretation provides happiness or a sort of satisfaction it is only a conditional universe, as corruptible as those dreams that force hell upon souls.

Desire- Present reinforcing the bonds that pull one apart and recognizing the system as whole in its paralysis (is this bad?).

Paralysis: indecisiveness due to conflicting desires.

November 16, 2010

When the blind lead the blind, they usually don’t get anywhere.

Cant get it by changing task, that’s why I still procrastinate. It has nothing to do with what task I am doing, but how I see it.

Things that come to mind:

Satisfying my desires, (completely acceptable) Sacrifice unnecessary, so how do I achieve this? By visualizing into reality? Visualizing what? A desired effect (that will ultimately end in disatisfaction)? Or a truth? Why does desired effect end in dissatisfaction? It’s the mind that must be exercised not the effect.

Seriously, from one second to another I forgot things and I remember something new depending on what is in front of my eyes.  I wish I would understand that there is an outside world, beside what I see and feel.  I understood this once, for less than a minute; my pain was not mine, but it belonged to my body.  But let’s not anoint this perspective.

Again: combination of imagination and reality with the “background” (judgments?) of: whatever it is I desire, or of “God” (If it is possible).

List of methods to be examined:

·         What happened to paying attention?

·         Value-in what you think of failure.

·         Present imagination

·         God-Present (Faith in access)

·         Desire-Present (access limited to desire, but limit is desired)

·         Snapping out

How do any of these allow one to reach the max point? – max out point could be judgmentless: Its not external world, but senses; it’s not sense, but sensation; not sensation but imagination; not imagination, but chance ghosts; not chance ghosts, but eternity divided; not eternity divided, but eternity as it is.

How do I conceive of this progression? What brought it? Is progression an illusion?

How I arrive to, or assume these conclusions:

I pay attention to my desires, the faith I have in myself, the possibilities  I can picture for myself.

I observe the limits, I become dissatisfied, I figure out what it means, (how to get rid of suchsituatin?) how to either get rid of, or accept, but in all to become aligned, instead of being in indefinite suspense about my reality. Or if I am supposed to remain in suspense? Basically, I am looking for solid ground to justify my life and actions with.  But I realize that what once seems solid is most likely not eternal, so how do I end my search?  How do I justify the end of my search?

I spend a good deal of time trying to understand the world as cursed and sinful, I think becuae I am afraid of being unknowingly wrong.

I think of ascendance in terms of:

·         Striving for something I desire

·         Freedom from desire

·         Being harmonized with my fate

·         Seeing eternal incorruptible beauty

Being wrong – Judge others with what I judge myself with. Self-imposed limits, that represent death of possibility.  Although its possible to “avoid” those limits and get what you “desire” it is an unnecessary act, it is impure (Desire-Present). Unnecessary pain is unnecessary; unnecessary act is at least pleasant.  And is desired, desire is unnecessary? This breaks my heart.  Broken heart is a desired act yes it is (for now).

Is God-Present and Infinite-Present and Truth unnecessary act? Is paying attention an unnecessary act?

October 30, 2010

What time is it?  It’s not the symbols on the digital clock, it’s not the oscillator the measures imperfectly the motions of reality, unsynchronized.

            What time is it? You ask.  I will tell you, the time is… now.

            Now is indicated  by the symbols on the digital clock as much as it indicated by the towel on my bed.  Now is indicated not by some numbers we have all agreed upon, but by the position of the sun.  Now is not indicated within a day, but within eternity; indicated by the way things are:  by the objects on the table, by the position of the sun in relation to the earth, by the position of the earth, moond and by the planets within our solar system, and by the rest of the cosmos and all the energies within them that make this moment unique from the rest of eternity.  THIS is the time it is.

            It’s funny how I am saying this, how this all comes from my head; and yet, I can’t sense it.  It goes through me as if I was an undead prophet, a speaking stone.  I say it, but I myself do not know what it means, it moves me not. 

            Like looking at the sky and seeing a wall.  Not even a great blue wall, but a limit in front of my eyes, with nothing behind it, with not even a sign of curiosity.  I wish I knew what this might mean.  Whatever is behind this wall is dead to me; leaving me without a sign of curiosity, without wonder.

For a friend:

well let me give you an example

sophomore year in highschool

is when I began to hate these type of people

what happened, is that

I was wroking out

and sweating alot

and I flipped my hair back

10:24pm

and a drop of my sweat flew onto this white girl's leg

and she freaked out over it, like she had just dropped a baby or something

so thats what heppened

10:26pm

I tried to apologize and help

but she was all freaked and was crawling away from me like if I wanted to slice her

then her friend came to "rescue"

and told me to just stay away

I almost want to cry just think about what it all means to me

I just rather stay away from people that would want me to stay.  I don’t want to bother them, if they feel like it’s a burden to have me around. 

How does one get through a person’s head, when they are closed as shit, to anything you attempt?  At home I tried to figure out a way that I could approach and make up for a misunderstanding to such a person.  But my goal felt impossible;  I would be intruding, I would be disrespecting their boundaries, if I tried to hide parts of me so that such a person would see my harmless side.  I beat myself up trying to figure out this ordeal, how to solve the problem. 

In the end I decided on a conclusion so that I could stop tormenting myself with it.  I would stay away from such closed minded people that do not give the unknown a chance.  Those people that do not take risks to accept a little flaw for once, for the sake of a new discovery.  After all, those who do not want to know do not deserve to know.  And I labeled these people with the girl’s image… her behavior reflected the consumer society; too caught up on conforming to the media to realize that there is a world beyond society.  Why bother with them? If looking outside their little cell will only enrage them, just let them live in their ignorant peace.

If I see that people reject characteristic that I feel that are part of me, then I will not bother, because I feel that in the end, they would end up not only rejecting me, but regretting the time they allowed me to exist around them.  The only reason I stay away from people is because I feel that deep inside they want me to stay away from them.  It’s most heart-breaking to me, since I love to trust strangers as myself; but I hate to be burden to those I love.  In time, this fear of being a burden gets buried into auto-pilot, making it seem, even to myself, as if it was hate towards these people; but I am only trying to be considerate.  And as I have convinced myself that I hate them…

When someone “wants to get to know me”, but I see that they hate attributes that they do not yet know that are also part of me… I expose myself openly.  I try to be myself without hesitation, and try to let everyone know what I am; so that they do not accidently interact with someone they would avoid.  I “open my mouth” to let others know what I am; I don’t want to hide it from them, that would be disrespectful.  If they have a problem with it, it is better that they decide what they think is best as soon as possible.

If I feel that they are mistaken about the way they see me, I try to explain things to them; but I can only explain if they give me a chance.  If they don’t, then what is there to do? Except break a heart.