October 8, 2010

There are questions hidden inside of us that we do not know that we are asking.  I must seek answers I never thought existed.

Yesterday I thought about a God beyond the pleroma and anything that we can conceive of as God.  So that the most important thing in the Universe was not at all a God of any sort, and that the Greatest is not anything that can be regarded as “important”.  Is not anything like we conceive, as an “answer”. 

This morning I “smoked too many cigarettes”.  I am tired of questions, I am tired of answers, I just want out of the cycle, but wanting is just another dissatisfaction… another question, another craving.  I just don’t want to care.

Walking to chemistry class I saw a one-year-old drop his fuzzy toy.  “Agh!” was his reaction… they start so young, oh Jesus.

October 7, 2010

Whitman College: the darkness that was once hidden in the deep corners of my mind is now spread out, and is as intense as I ever fought it.  In times of pain one is displaying the strength, will, and stubbornness of the inner spirit, to be willing to live through such bewildering horror.

During Prayer:

God: when you focus my presence upon such, what do you see?

I: I see that things are as they are, whatever they may be, not as may think.  Since you are all-knowing and ever-present, so all I see can be known, and their every aspect presently felt. 

God: Just as you say, I also Am in the essence of your soul.

I: We are so connected, it is like we are one, I am your breath.

God: what else can you see in Me?

I: All-Powerful

God: So am I in everything around you, can you see this in yourself as well?

I am looking for a symbol, that makes me decide that it’s time to move on, to allow myself to move on; but (1) I don’t trust “symbols” (methods), which means that the change will only be temporary if I do decide to follow it, (2) I think that any “symbol” that prompts me to do anything, should be as ever-present as my actions will have to be.  Whatever the case, since I am currently dissatisfied I will keep searching… or maybe I shouldn’t.  Anyways!!

Emotions, that go by too quickly, before I detect them.  They leave because I choose to get rid of them, just like one eats ice-cream to get rid of a chemical craving, to get rid of a sensation that they interpret as pain.

There are things that we think but we do not consider them to be thoughts because we do not manage to articulate them in a way that we acknowledge its existence.  Since we don’t acknowledge its existence it disappears to us, and is forgotten.  But the reason why we have this flaw is only because, as fallen beings, we believe that if we don’t acknowledge the existence of certain things then they cannot exist to us.

The fire only burns for as long as there is fuel.

October 4, 2010

Wow,

I am really excited about the “workout plan” that Sabbath school teacher organized for us at church this last Sabbath.  Spiritual workout.  Day 1, for my 15 minutes of daily intimate prayer, I plan to do none other but to feel the presence of God as it is, and real; as real as all I see and feel.

I just did it, and I just had to write it down; thus I bothered to explain why I decided to go by this routine.First of all let me just say, how comforting it is to know, and to actually sense that there is a presence that knows all.  And if one wants to take the atheist stance; to sense that all there is, is as is, or knows itself, by being what it is.  I am not getting into whether God cares or helps me or anything, all I am saying is that He knows all; and that in itself brings a sort of satisfaction, to know that Truth is what it is, and no matter what anyone does to hide it, it cannot be corrupted, but it will be what it is.

There are two ways of feeling the presence of God, the “far away” one, and the “here” one.

Like when we read stories or fairy tales, we don’t think any of it is real, we do not feel the presence of such events as we do when we read about current events, or a letter from someone.

This is, as I mentioned before, disconnection between imagination and reality; and now, as I think I have mentioned before, I understand that I usually do my thinking, in the imaginary world, in the world where I think, “well it could be like that, but it isn’t, and therefore it’s not real”, I leave everything in a realm that my leaving it there says that whatever it is, it is only for flattery, for fancy, not worth anything, disposable, and after I find the answer, it can be forgotten.  That’s where my thoughts usually are; but now I think that they should be present, they have authority to be real, as real as they are in my imagination; I should feel them as a current event, as a thing that exists.  This is the disconnection between imagination and reality, we limit our reality by degrading the thoughts that we fantasize.  When we pray to God, we only do it in a hopeful manner; hoping that He will here us; but maybe not.  When we pray we should pray in a manner of certainty; certain that He is here, in the past and in the future, and already knows all that is inside your head.

Connecting thoughts with Reality gives them a certainty value.

Though I see value in this mental exercise, I will reserve only for prayer time, because I have not found a reason that justifies it, and/or I have not compared it to the ethical beliefs about consciousness that I currently have.

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Breakfast with a friend:

She pokes at her eggs and bacon, she doesn’t want to eat them.  She tells me that she needs to get her protein for the day.  I tell her to get soy milk.  She says that she would rather not have those massive amounts of added estrogen in her body.  “Soy milk has estrogen? No wonder I am always having mood swings”.  She responds “Yea, I suggest for you to quit your soymilk consumption if you want to get rid of those female emotions.”  “I don’t know,” I tell her, “I kind of like the idea of having a female inside of me.”

October 3, 2010

I felt how I almost felt those emotions again, those far away emotions.  I felt how I kept myself from feeling them, because it was not appropriate.  I felt how I told myself that there was nothing magical about the situation, so I should not be having those magical emotions.  In the end I told myself, “you fool, life in itself is magical, you should be feeling this all the time, don’t tell me its inappropriate”. I’d love to believe you, but I can’t see your justification.