January 5, 2011

                Pain is unnecessary: this is the fact that moves me forward, because I know that once I figure this out, everything will be pleasurable.  It is actually a simple mental exercise, but my mind does not allow me to do it because I have not justified it.  The reason I hesitate is because I consider if this is not meant to be pleasurable.  If I would be missing out on truth when I love and feel all as pleasurable, then I would rather not.

January 3, 2011

                I wanted the t.v. on but I didn’t want to be tempted to watch it, so I changed it to a basketball game…

               

                I must let go of this habit, this need to write things down. 

                The dream (of heaven) is here; and I am speaking literal language.  The dreams I have had were about the waking world.  In the common world, things are dead to me; things are gone.

                ----This must be just another sensation----

God help me, (“I am helping you”).

The fastest way to get there is to you are already there.

Anti-psychopathy: feeling your body’s independence from your soul.

(realizing that your ideas do not constitute the universe).

What is it with sacrifice and prayer?

Sacrifice – giving up desire = acceptance of the present = accept more possibilities (including what seems like compromises and degrees of accomplishment).

                Prayer – seeing possibilities.

A sacrifice that hurts is like a gift that you give but you never let go of, your hand are still attached to it and you wish to have them back.

its called "sacrifice" because
you "die to yourself" in the process,
if you are still in pain that is a good sign you haven't died

                Not sure about the prayer, because it works like faith without removing the blindfold, stubbornly holding on to desire?

It just means not enough God… and what is enough God?

My head feels like its about to float, maybe it’s just my headache changing…

What I am doing, is quieting my mind and feeling my body’s chemical sensations,

I think this separates my emotions from my soul.

                I am standing, fidgeting around: I notice how the shapes around me morph as I move into different angles.  Wow! I normally wouldn’t this while fidgeting.

                                                                             

Ideal characteristics are: attentive, detached from desire.

It’s not about the action or what you feel (whether it’s fear or anger that inhibits you, or even happiness), what matters is the attachment you have to the goal.

                Imagination is used to counteract the chemical sensations.  It is rejecting the present and preferring (being attached to) memories and fantasies.

                What about eternal interpretations/universe impressions? I thought these were meaning to life.

                What about loving the present; does this not involve reacting to chemical sensations?

                What about ideal attention and comprehensive sensation?

               

                Interpretations are subtle preferences that I cannot get rid of; though I get rid of the voices and images, I cannot get rid of the interpretations of these shapes.

                A sparrow just hit my window.  It lies on the ground, legs up.  What does it mean?  It must be a sign, a negative one?  Is it a demonic force sent to distract me?  Whatever it is, positive or negative…  It must mean I am getting somewhere, and that’s ultimately good, right?

            A similar thing happened this past Wednesday, something flew by a friend’s skirt; there was no one in the direction it came from, and I didn’t find the object afterwards.  I know it wasn’t my imagination because a friend noticed it too.

            Things like these and the number “42” that kept coming up last semester, should I keep track of these, should I try and figure out what they mean?  I wish I knew, but I don’t even know how to begin or how to figure them out.  Until then, these “signs” will be as relevant as the bleach patterns on my dark blue underwear.  Huh, what mysteries are hidden?

           

Now the sparrow’s gone.  Did it get up or did the puppies eat it?

(All of these thoughts, I had in my mind; without words, only impressions.  The voices in my head were silent, but these impressions were still there.)

               

                These little flashes, instances that I realize (or at least re-interpret) what I am doing; these are what must be kept constant.  But what are they?

                This universe, this interpretation of how things work, these limits I have, it means I am still holding on to something.  How do I let go?  I think I am still holding on to it because I am still seeking liberation from it.

                I relax my mind: “seek not”, I think I still seek… automatically.  “Don’t seek, be satisfied”.

As I try to be satisfied I find myself attempting to enjoy what I have, to find peace in my interpretation, pleasure in my pain.

                Things that I feel this is lacking:

-Totality and God-fluidity (things as they are).

-Motivation towards presentness.

The greater that makes everything else small.

                When one is exposed to something they avoid, they experience pain.  They spend their time trying to avoid the certain symbol, and the pain.  In order to not avoid , you must accept not only the object, but the pain as well.  If you wish to be at peace.

                What makes things accepted?  You pay attention to them, you listen; and you don’t do it in order to get rid of them, and you don’t try to get rid of them.

                God help me…

 (“No, not ‘God help me’; ‘God is with me’”)

Me: I sit in the dark, I don’t want to feel like this, why do I feel trapped?  Why don’t I feel free?

I: “you don’t feel free because you don’t want this, you want to avoid this, you are not listening.”

Me: I am listening, I am listening… am I listening?

I: you only hear the words, but the interpretation you perceive comes from your own head.  Why else would you be blind to the rest of where you are?!

Me: I am listening, I am tuning in and feeling you; or as much as I can… why am I not feeling anything else besides what I feel?

I have an itch on my nose, I leave it. It feels heavy for a while; you know?  It feels a lot like there is an electric current running through that point on my nose.  Why do I feel like taking it off, it’s not even pain.  I feel like it is adistortion on my face; something that is not normally there.It forces me to be aware of it, it uses up my awareness (why is my awareness limited?); and this takes mental effort.

It is like I have to be aware, to be aware of these many things. 

Me: It is pointless because these things do not have any value; they do not change, and they do not tell you anything about the world. 

I: Do they?

Me: Yes they do, an itch tells me I need to scratch.

I: No, the scratch is how you manage to ignore the itch.  So don’t scratch, just stay and listen.

(In this same manner, a question does not beg to be answered, a problem does not beg to be solved; the answer only provides us with a reason to ignore the question, and a solution only allows our minds to ignore the problem.  Questions are not meant to be answered and problems are not meant to be solved, they are meant to be accepted.)

And the itch will not leave you peace until you stop trying to avoid it.  How do you stop trying to avoid it?  Well, the answer to the question does not matter because if you really did not care to avoid it, you would not feel the need to ask the question; and once you stop trying to avoid it, you won’t even feel the need to stop trying to avoid it in order to avoid it.

January 2, 2011

For the last few days I have been writing about things that reflect no progress, but rather poetic inspirations; and although it is fun to take time to justify myself and make sense of my behavior through the sharing of these inspirations, it is no more productive than playing video games and as worthless as reading books of fiction (… entertainment). 

Anything that I write is nothing more than like an arrangement of forces:  if it works to negate the forces in one’s life so that they could find balance, it only means we had a perspective that was similarly screwed up.  But just because I agree with you, does not mean we are right, and just because you like what I say, does not mean that I am right.

A mundane arrangement is created to counteract the mundane arrangements in one’s life.  Once balance is achieved, people tend to worship the arrangement they believed to have caused the balance (instead of worshipping the balance itself).  After a while, they continue to emphasize the arrangement so much that they not only lose balance, but are not aware of what they have lost because they still have their sacred schema in their grasp.  Their symbol of holiness has let them die, while they still think they are alive.

                If you want balance without the arrangements causing residue force, if you want to worship the balance and not the schema; then stop listening to what I say, stop reading books and ideas of man, and begin to read: Nature, Existence, The Is, God.  Stop looking for answers and see what is in front of you.  Stop being controlled by the voices in your head and listen to the silence of Complete Reality.

                Yesterday I wrote about being empathetic to matter and not only this, but being empathetic to all of Reality.The Ultimate source of inspiration is existence itself.  Every composer, poet and artist of any type has looked towards it for their productions.  If there were rights to intellectual property beyond the human realm, all credit would go to God.  What I mean to say is this: Libraries and, so-called, “sources of knowledge” are only copies and photocopies of what has already been said in Nature (If you listen to the Infinite, you will see all knowledge and wonders that have been exteriorized and will transpire throughout time, beyond time, and even outside of our dimensions).

                Books are useless, read your mind.  I know this statement will be misleading in so many different senses; but I can never explain enough anyways (“if every leaf was a quill, if all the seas were ink, if the skies were a parchment, and if every man was a writer, it would never be enough to write the Love of God”-Frederick M. Lehman’s hymn “The love of God is greater far.”); thus the desperate amount of libraries, paper and silicon used up to contain information.  None can explain it better than Itself; so go figure it out from God Himself.

January 1, 2011

On the subject of “why I can’t get laid” (or rather, why I won’t get laid), and it being the case that my behavior reflects my belief that girls are asexual; this subject came to mind as I was watching “Family Guy”.  There was a scene where Louis admits that she is aware that Bryan wants to have sex with her, to which she responds by saying that she “won’t let him” (In a mocking manner!!).  Normally I would use such a scene to reinforce my belief, but instead I thought, “Would I ever do the same? If so, in what case?”  Then I realize that there is, in fact, a situation in which I would respond in this way: if I felt no connection whatsoever to the other person; or something like, if I thought that they only thought that they were interested in me when they were only interested in an aspect that I would grant, but that did not really involve anything that I thought I represented.Because I would not want to let some smug think they have accomplished something that they have not really accomplished.  Looking back at all of this, I realize that not only do I have the capability of understanding the contradictive behavior of the opposite sex, but that I also endorse in similar behavior.Then there are other aspects of this that have to do with understanding and satisfaction or whatever whatnot; the point is that this is actually a course of action of which I completely approve of, so why the hell didn’t I make the connection?  Why did I rather spend time pist and confused?  Two words, general psychopathy.

               

                The similarity of each behavior should allow me to have full and immediate understanding of the second person, but there a disconnection which may be due to a past traumatic event.  It should be as easy as look and see, but something is obstructing my vision.  When one is not able to relate to others, to have empathy, it is called psychopathy; prevalence of misunderstanding between human beings shows that it is normal for the human race to suffer from psychopathy, a milder type of psychopathy than that of obvious psychopaths.  The reason why I lack this empathy is because I do not even understand myself, if I understood myself I would be able to tell what I feel in others.

                But human beings are not the only thing that human beings lack empathy towards.There is the case of matter as well.  What if I were to achieve being able to communicate with matter?  It would be like telepathy or telekinesis.

Me: that’s freaking absurd, the only reason you are able to understand human beings is because you are a human being, and therefore have the capability to think like one, that is the only reason you can empathize with them.  You cannot understand inanimate matter because you are not inanimate.

I: prejudice does not allow you to see that even though you are a human being you are also made from inanimate matter itself.

December 29, 2010

I think it was my hair that threw them off.  He did say that he noticed… each side of my head has three braids, that makes six; and the curls at the bottom of my braids curl up into sixes.

The diagnosis came: they told me that they couldn’t cast it out, that it was a weak and coward spirit, because it wouldn’t tell them its name; it was a lying spirit.

He told me that I needed to get rid of my braids, that’s when he told me of what he thought it meant.  The cool guy told him that he was over analyzing it, but I expressed agreement with the other guy, since I believe that these types of things can come out.  Like I agreed with what a friend said, he said that “I use my braids to cover up my wisdom.”  And this IS one of the reasons why I don’t like to look “normal”, because people will only give me a chance based on looks, and I don’t want people to be nice to me only because I look like them.  I think it is pathetic when people judge me based on my outward appearance.  So in this way, my braids do indeed reflect a weakness inside of me, a misleading (lying) spirit.  A spirit skilled in lying, in fact; I don’t just use my hair to mislead people, but I do everything I can to give off a bad first impression.  I am so skilled at it, that it even comes naturally.  I only express the good things about me when I feel that the person is done insisting that I am a creep, and is ready to listen and speculate if there is anything good that may come out of me.

I do believe that this way of judging is a flaw inside of me.  And that I should love my neighbor and be vulnerable to their prejudice, rather than incite them to attack my armor.

Conclusion:

Because of my conclusions about the mentality of accusation and the spirit of the “Accuser”; as the guy was telling me this I had the temptation to judge him in my mind and tell myself that his demon of premature accusation, and insistence on separating from my family (rather than incorporating them into the presence God), and his severe and unwelcoming approach to my problems, was worse than the little lying spirit inside of me.  But I kept in mind that if I began to accuse him it would keep me from seeing the flaws in myself.  I still allowed myself to take his criticism into consideration, without looking at his flaws.  Just because he lacks skill in expression does not mean that I am perfect, and just because he may even be more of a sinner than I am does not mean he has no right to judge me (if anything it means that I should permit him to judge me and endure his accusation).  And in fact, there is a sense in which all of his accusations are correct.

My diagnosis:

There is something wrong with me.  There, very well, can be a coward spirit of lies, that is weak in strength but it is hard to catch.  And you wouldn’t believe the lies it coerces me to believe.  I don’t believe that I was possessed by a spirit at the moment they were praying for me; I believe this spirit constantly possesses me; this spirit that allowed me to allow them to believe that I was possessed (even though I wasn’t).  This spirit is such a skilled liar that it even convinced me that I wasn’t possessed.  Whether I wanted them to believe or not that I was possessed, whether I did it intentionally or accidentally, they ended up believing I was, and this is enough evidence that there is, in fact, something wrong with me.  The cowardice hidden inside of me, everything about myself that I hate, that I wish I didn’t have, my hesitation to correct them, and my fear of disappointing them are all flaws inside of me that allowed this to happen.  Don’t try to tell me that it is them with the flaws and that there will always be people that judge me no matter how righteous I am: the fact that I was not able to enlighten them about it, says that I am not at my prime, that I could do better, that all of this could have happened in a better way.

Explore

File Location:  My Words/Completion (What we know)\Achieving Awareness\Methodology\Explore/Exlore

Oldest date modified: 9/25/2009

Why: Once you gain awareness, when you are born, you must use it like you appreciate it, like you belong in awareness, you must be aware of as much as possible, and in Reality it never ends, so it is important to explore, and so whenever you get the chance to try something new you should go for it, for the sake of learning something new and having a new experience.  Sure you dont want to lose your awareness over gaining a little more, but you must remember that it should not be the case that it is the awareness itself that kills you, in a world where infinity exists in every detail of Reality there will always be a way to obtain a little more awareness without losing your present awareness.  if its different, its good, you must not throw it away if its unpleasant, you must not ignore it if it looks uninteresting, you should learn about it, learn to deal with it, expand your domains. When hardships come your way, appreciate the fact that its an opportunity to learn, if you already know how, then its an opportunity to prove yourself, victorious, if you have forgotten (which you sholdnt have done) then its an opportunity to remember.

How: When things are new, sometimes it is hard to accept them, specially when they have “negative” effects.  Even though it is important to experience despair at times, its natural tendency is to lower your desire for awareness (you dont want to know, you dont want to feel... basically, you wish you were dead, you wish you were never born or that you didnt exist) it is important to feel these because they are a part of life, and it is important to spend time on them to learn about them, how they work, and how to deal with them, if not for yourself, but to help others out as well.  But you must not deal with “painful” subjects, by not being aware of them, you must be aware of them, you must admit them to Truth, (confess), you may not ignore what is true, because from the beggining this is what we are trying to prevent, which is lying to yourself.  If we value truth, we must not ignore it, if we value awareness we must not ignore, if we value life we must not forget it, if we value exploring we may fear it (only for the sake of exploring the emotion of fear) but we must not avoid it as a result of the fear.

In everything we do our minds must be wondering, searching for new ways to do anything, even if your way is already efficient, you must try new ways, so that you learn how to do it in more difficult ways, in such situations that would require you to do it in the difficult manner, or just so that you learn more about obtaining your goal in different ways, and if you find an easier way, then the result is obviously a reward.  But you must keep it in your mind to always aspire for new and different things.  (To figure out how to keep this in mind as much as possible, you must wonder about memory, Memory.docx) And this is why its important to move MOVE, energy when you are wondering, make patterns, find patterns, find relevancies, believe things, play with your mind, feel what its like to believe something stupid, believe it, live it, experience all these, energy and energy move, something different everytime, whereever the spiritof freedom guides you.  Find patterns and use them to build build and destroy to build again and higher and more.  Energy, its important to move in all these directions to spur your mind and get ideas and be evrywhere.

Again the more creative you are > the more creative youll be.  Your body is made to grow, towards what it does.

Explore – now exploring means more than just going places, and places means more than only points on a three dimensional domain.  Exploring also means exposing yourself  to new parts, not only as a location but as in positions, and points of view.  Explore what it feels like to be someone else, to be in a tough situation, anywhere that you can go, anything that you can do.  Do as much as you can, do anything as long is it keeps you as it does not result in death of any kind, that it does not shorten your life in any way, and that it does not keep you from being efficient to the rest of your surroundings.  Of course you can weigh costs and take risks; who woulnt put their money in the bank and not be able to use it so that they can have more at the end of the saving  period.  The same way one shoukd invest in being efficient to their outside world and spend their time in solitary research so then they can share a new invention afterwards.  But one should be careful of the inevitable destructions, for what good is it that you save up money all your life when you die before you get to enjoy it?  When one invests in life efficiency one should consider the effects of the unknown.  Change, Change is what you must love and I cant stress this enough, when you choose to follow Life blessings will come, change is what you must love, change is life, I cant stress this enough.

Relevant events give emotion and interest, you must look for these to spur your life, they can be found ANYWHERE and in anything, but you must find a way for your mind to see them.  And these that make emotion, that make power, and build up potential for life, so we live.  But how do you find these relevant events? You just look, anywhere and every where you look they are everywhere you just have to set yourself and your mind in motion.  And learn many ways to do this.

Imagination, you must improve your imagination to help you bring more instances with opportunities of creativity to your mind, your imagination works when you are not doing it in reality.  That reminds me we never really separated the external world from the internal, so what does that say about your imagination. 

Creativity: whenever there is somewhere where you must make a decision, for the sake of life u must choose something different, if not because it matters, but so that you get used to that feeling, you get used to the feeling of change, and to get used to appreciating it; so much so that it becomes second nature to you that change and new blessings happen everyday.   There may be times where you think it is unncessary to choose someting different at a time, but it affects you more than the world.  Just like what you do when you are alone, even if you hide your actions and make sure that no one sees you. Why is it a sin to imagine to kill somebody and relish in your hatred?  Why is it a sin to steal something even if the owner has forgotten that he ever owned it?  It is because it affects your character.  Just like you not suppose to muzzle your animal as it works on the fields.  God told the Israelites not to muzzle their beasts, not because he didnt want the beast to starve, the beast wouldnt starve, the Israelites would give it enough food to live and take care of it, God told them not to muzzle them to keep them from practicing stinginess.  Because when you become stingy you want to keep detailed account of every little pleasurer you can get, you want more things for yourself and cant stand to think that maybe you are dropping a little money here and there, thats why people can never be rich enough, its not because they dont have enough money, I mean look at this country, but a person, no matter how much money he has, will never be rich until he stops wanting more.  (Example of people who are rich but they say they are poor).  And stinginess also makes you stressed out for every little thing you lose.  Thats why God commands you to give tythes, so that you allow yourself to practice not worrying about money, and so that you dont worry about buying things that are not necessary, so that no matter how poor you are, you never feel like you need more, so that you live a more peaceful and satisfying life, so that you dont worry abouot things that do not matter, and so that you are less stressed out, so that you practice being generous, “I just gave a fifth of my check to God, why not just give it all”  So that no matter your financial situation, you always feel like you can give.  There is no such thing as rich or poor, there are poor people in other countries that feel rich, and there are rich people in the US that think they are poor.  Financial situation is just, do you have enough for yourself to survive?  Beyond that, being rich or poor is all in the mind.  And so you must be creative in any sense you can find, to build creativity within yourself, to remind yourself.

Accept open mind - Do not ignore, Just because something looks stupid or sounds stupid, or useless or unconnected, do not deny it, remember there is ALWAYS Unknown, remind yourself of this, however you think the world is, you are always wrong and there is always something new to learn, when you listen to someone, dont ignore it because of their status, because you think its unnecessary, dont disregard it as it may not affect you, or because you dont see any connection.  If one believes it, then the idea must have a really good reason to find a dwelling in a human mind, you cant just say everyone is stupid and listen only to people that make you feel good because you trust them and you have witnessed their smart. Are there not ever instances when you are wrong?  When your prejudice ends up being wrong, when you trust someone too late?  This kind of things happen all the time... what does it cost to trust for once? Is it something you would risk for new knowledge, for greater awareness?  Specially when you think you already have an answer for it, just remember that you may always be wrong and to learn something new, you MUST find a mistake in your thought processes, always be aware of that, and TRY to find the ways you are WRONG.  If you actually hold the Truth, then no matter how much you look you will find NO FLAW, the Truth is Truth and will always be, and what makes you think that a simple human like you will ever hold Truth in essence?  Understand this, and even though you may live according to what you believe, leave room for questioning, to learn more truth, have an open mind.  Always remember the Unknown.

For an example of exploring and spurring ideas in your mind, is to give meaning.  “So lets manifest” ..\..\..\..\..\History\Free Being.docx

People ask themselves why something happens bu they hardly ever take the time or make the effort to answer it.  People get concerned about it, but since that concern doesnt seem to contribute to their everyday setup they just ignore it.

What if: yea, do this (explore)

Now to live, youmust explore, and to know what to explore, you must be curious, and to learn of the infinity of the world’s possibilities you must go agaiinst everything that you believe and everything you feel like doing, you must go against your expectations, and you must always be trying to prove yourself wrong, this is the only way you gain new knowledge, if you believe that what you currently believe is wrong or lacking something, and knowledge of the world is never ending, never satisfied, as is reality.  Now this is your mission, that whenever you hesitate, it is a sign that you have a belief, and to teach yourself something new, you must follow through with it so that you have a chance of being wrong.  Now when you are nervous and you have the adrenaline rush due to insecurity, this feeling is the sense of a new world coming along, a new opportunity that should not be denied, new knowledge at reach, the goal shall not be rejected.  This feeling is calling for an adjustment, you are not suppose to keep this feeling, you are suppose to adjust.  But to be able to adjust you need to have an open mind for solutions, or else you will stay in the nervous section and work with fear present and arms shaking not a good tool, you must not have hesitation in your presence.  This rush is a good feeeling because it signals an imminent change, but the change must take place, and to be able to know how to adjust you need to have the freedom of getting and using anything that is at your reach and you need to feel free to grab whats at hand to equip yourself as you go from one world to another.