May 4, 2010

I tried to love what I hated, by loving hate.  I tried to love hate, by hating?  To figure out a way of loving what I hate.  I felt like if I found a way to love it, I was not loving the first impression I got from it but only loved it because of the “excuse” I made to love it.  (this explains why before this, I would all of a sudden love what I hated.  But then I was confused, not understanding what had happened to make me love it, I would try to hate it again to try to love it again).  But loving somethingis to “give it a chance”, you love it by having faith that there is something to love about it beyond the superficial that you see, beyond what you hate.  The problem was that I felt like I was being shallow against the superficial.  Why cant I love the superficial as I saw it without adding any extra meaning to it?  (this is because things only appear to be superficial when one lacks love).  Seeing superficial and unimportantness in things, seeing darkness and emptiness in things is only a result of lack of love.  I was trying to compensate lack of love for hate by hating.  The truth is that when I loved, I found revelation, a reason to love; but whenever I found a reason to love I though I cheated, since I wanted to love the object as superficial, I wanted to love the object while I still hated it, I wanted to love it without revelation, I wanted to love it without loving it. But when you love, Truth is inevitably revealed (Love = Truth = Revelation).  If not then, having faith that something is lovable is loving it.  Having faith that something is lovable means that you have hope that there lies something beyond the superficial that you may love, you love this mystery, this potential jewel.

I felt that if I looked for a reason to love something (If I looked for beauty in it) I was only picking and choosing what I liked from it.  (although this was not the case, this would also have been okay, since God is Infinite you cannot not miss out on anything no matter what parts of Him you try to avoid [to understand this, imagine trying to choose which part of Infinity you would like, whatever part you choose, it is still Infinite]).  But if I dont love what I can see of it how can I love its mystery?  A subject has infinite aspects: things you love and things you hate, but you actually love the things you hate, somehow (by faith).  Look for ways to love something, your desire to love is already Love; faith(? Wtf? Is this what the pastor was talking about when I told him and he told me about faith? Probably not, I dont know if I want to take the time to analyze how this faith concept and that faith concept correlate with each other.)  Also, the purpose of all this, To praise God, Amen.

By blinding yourself you are rejecting.  I was blinding myself deliberately to love, I was hating in order to love.  I wanted to love without revelation, I wanted to love without loving.

Even though you love what you see, you must love what you dont see, not by closing your eyes (rejecting) that will just make you hate it, but by increasing awareness, always look to love more and more completely.  Dont feel bad for being incomplete, you never were, and you wont get it by closing your eyes. 

I was trying to learn to love by hating then loving, then hating then loving, and seeing the process, the process is faith.  But the reason I am not complete is because I am not surveying all that I hate.  I must love more, have faith in the Unknown, survey the darkness, not hate the light.

So I am not hating in order to learn anymore, but I shall survey what I hate, and shine light upon it; give it meaning, obtaining revelation.

Surveying, let existence run through you, like I was doing on camera video I made (probably April 30).

Loving the superficial: (Because I felt shallow against the superficial) but in the end, you always love something because of what it means.  If you hate something that someone else loves, its not because of the superficial that they love it, the difference is in the meaning beyond the superficial that each of you see.  And this is why its okay to look for a “reason” to love something, you may see the same meaning the other does.

Me

:D

12:08amFriend #34

hey friend, how are you?

12:09amMe

im doing pretty dandy now

how art thou?

12:09amFriend #34

how come?

12:09amMe

cuz I think I found the missing link

12:09amFriend #34

to?

12:09amMe

it seems to work

but I am skeptical about it

to seeing beauty

in stuff

12:10amFriend #34

hahahaha. lmfao

12:10amMe

unny?

f

12:10amFriend #34

i mean. not lmfao. it's just that I've been there ;)

and yeah, it works

12:11amMe

wats u?

12:11amFriend #34

once you fall out of love, you can see beauty in stuff

12:11amMe

hmm

12:11amFriend #34

but the only problem is, that when you have something else to compare it to... you realize it's only stuff

you know.. like the blooming trees

12:12amMe

yea i think I know what you mean,, thats what I am trying to be able to control

12:12amFriend #34

you think you can

that's a good stage

12:12amMe

im trying to figure it out

12:12amFriend #34

but it really is resignation

12:12amMe

you speak wise words

12:12amFriend #34

resignation because of imperfection

12:13amMe

if what you mean is what I think you mean

12:13amFriend #34

the world is imperfect

12:13amMe

whats resignation?

12:13amFriend #34

from what you really want

12:13amMe

amen!

12:13amFriend #34

you said... that you want to learn the art

12:13amMe

keeo talking

12:13amFriend #34

of liking things

but what you really want is to like things, but find something else. And when you like things, you are at peace... but you aren't quite there either.

12:14amMe

never completely

12:15amFriend #34

stuff is powerful. If you learn to like it, you'll be better off... because it's the only thing that will be around you until you're alive

the trees, they are there every day

12:15amMe

I love trees!!!

I have a tree-fetish!!

12:15amFriend #34

:)

12:16amMe

do u say this of reading?

or personal conclusion?

12:16amFriend #34

well, it's basically my life story

12:17amMe

cuz i am coming to a different conclusion

i think.. maybe

idk

12:17amFriend #34

and that is?

12:17amMe

cant really explain..

too much to type

:P

and I dont really know if I am there yet

there have been time and times when I thought for sure I was there

and this might just be another one of those times

12:18amFriend #34

well, sounds good :)

12:19amMe

but update to what I am working on right now is basically: fixing the gap, connection between imagination and reality

12:20amFriend #34

they are distinct

12:20amMe

I have diary for may 2 and 3

havent typed themdown yet though

12:21amFriend #34

why do you post them?

12:21amMe

yes they are distinct in the sense that reality is the manifestation of what you allow from your imagination

just in case I die

I guess

12:22amFriend #34

you should keep it private. I think it's really personal and some nasty people might use it against you

12:22amMe

well I savbe them to my laptop anyways

haha yea

12:22amFriend #34

you know, I don't mind. Because I understand it

but I am worried that some day, you'll come somewhere and people will call you crazy

people call crazy what they don't understand

12:23amMe

but I dont want to hide who I am just out of fear of someone using it against me

these are the things I am afraid of as well

but I want to learn to love them

12:24amFriend #34

yeah. but no girl is going to like you for that :)

12:24amMe

LOL

THIRDLY!!

12:24amFriend #34

i will tell you, it is your greatest strength to have awareness, and to use to your advantage... and not against you

12:25amMe

I cant stand the thought that there may be someone out there that thinks like me, but is deciding to hide because they are afraid of what others may think or do

12:26amFriend #34

well, that person would be wise.

12:26amMe

if we hide, we will only remain in oppression

12:26amFriend #34

because he/she would realize that these things.. you don't recognize them from a writing

you recognize them if you see them, and you are like them

it's not oppression

12:26amMe

WE MUST KILLL!!!!!

lol jk

12:27amFriend #34

stupid people don't have the power to oppress

12:27amMe

oh yes they do

12:27amFriend #34

stupid people live in blissful ignorance

12:27amMe

they get me in trouble all the time

12:27amFriend #34

or do you oppress yourself?

12:28amMe

i do not want to live by their pathetic laws

maybe. thats what I am trying to figure out

yes

?

12:28amFriend #34

I'll give you one advice. Just as a friend

take those diaries down

and post a happy status

some day... post something that will make people smile

and put a profile picture of yourself

and keep a diary :)

12:29amMe

I will take your advice into consideration

:)

;)

12:29amFriend #34

it will attract more people ;)

and in the end, you'll realize that it didn't change a bit about you

12:30amMe

???

ok?

12:30amFriend #34

well, you'll still have the same qualities. Even if you don't publish them

use your gift to your advantage

and not against you

the reason why I am saying this

i used to be the same way

12:32amMe

and then?

12:33amFriend #34

then I grew older, and I realized that you have to be positive, and simple.. and make people laugh. And if you want to go deep... go deep the right moments. Not facebook

you could write books, or you could find close friends and talk to them

I know you doubt me... and still think that you have a point. :)

12:34amMe

fusho

i think ive been through that too

thats my whole whitman story

!

12:35amFriend #34

which part?

12:35amMe

idk :P

the part where I think I would rather hide

12:36amFriend #34

whitman as a school... not very good

people here are not a good sample of population

12:36amMe

amen

I thought it was just me

who thought that

12:37amFriend #34

you know what? why don't we take this conversation off facebook, and maybe get coffee sometimes? if you want

12:37amMe

sure!

when or what?

12:38amFriend #34

i don't care. I have time, pretty much always. But something like Thursday or Friday works the best

12:39amMe

thursday is cool after 2:30? or were you thinking morning?

12:39amFriend #34

i have school until 4 pm, and then i have class from 6pm - 7:20 pm

12:39amMe

soooo

coffee at 7:30?

12:40amFriend #34

sounds excellent

where you want to go?

12:40amMe

idk just meet, we'll decide then

meet at...

i live in douglas

u?

12:41amFriend #34

okay. how about the bridge?

where Prentiss is

12:41amMe

which bridge?

oh ok sure

12:41amFriend #34

will see you then, take care of yourself meanwhile

12:42amMe

mhm

Wizardry: when one reads the books of a certain wisdom, it is not only another language, but they begin to think in another direction.  Studies of God; His Infinite aspects.  Tuning into this flow, by obtaining meaning that certain symbols carry, they begin to gain power over a certain shape of reality, or they begin to become one with it, they begin to love.

May 3, 2010

I guess the reason why I cursed myself to be blind was because I thought that Truth was a lie, or maybe because  I am looking for a better access to Truth... by closing myself from it, and searching for any holes left, to close them.  Because in searching for peace, I was looking towards the things that I hated, but did not love them, because I was looking to love hate and pain.  And not avoid it.  But to love hate and pain, I must love, not hate.  But because I fear hate coming towards me in the future I am obsessed with it; and even when I tried to not concern myself with it, it still comes and then for too long.

Looking over Diaries to explain this is I find April 1: value to corruptible objects:  I am concerned that what I am about to execute “closing the gap” will only be giving value to corruptible objects.  Why? Because when I try to close the gap between imagination and reality, I realize that what ends up happening is that I am trying to find reasons (that I already love) in the things that I see, to love them.  But I am not necessarily loving them for what I see, but reasons that I have in my mind.  How is this not giving value to corruptible objects?  Depression comes as one is giving value to things that are already corrupted.  This sounds familiar, at times when all of a sudden I feel ashamed and depressed about things that I did not care about before.  This is because I have given value to something that I have found to be already corrupted?  Maybe the answer lies in analyzing the nature of valuing.  What is it about value?  Why must it be placed?

May 2, 2010

Do not keep yourself from feeling free, from having options, from imagining creative ways to get what inspires you.  Seeing the amount of life that there is in your present situation, the less you limit your mind.  Seeing this goodness allows you to have faith of life in even darker places (because in truth, it’s just as dark).  That even though I may die in disgrace, flowers will still be able to use my corpse for soil.

What was making me feel bound was the importance I felt to stay in this state of torment.  I have been telling myself that I am only allowed to relish in evil, but it is my own limits that torment me.  Things that you are afraid of: you dont have to do them, you just have to accept them; that the easier things you are allowed to resort to, the reasons why you stay away from them, is the same reason that you holds back.  What you need is only a confirmation of possible Truth so that you dont need an act to prove a possibility, but only realize how something is potentially possible.

I talked to the pastor about this disconnection yesterday, and though each our own topics were as detached and ever-seperate as parallel lines, I still found a congruence between them, an applicable similarity: he called it faith.  He said that one must have a continuous connection with God.

Confession of truth to close the “gap”.  Confession of what is real, confession of what you feel, confession of the direction in which you want to go, confession of the inhibitions you feel, confession of the underground paths to happiness, confession of your present blessings.   Let light dominate.

It’s not about what you do, its about what you perceive.

I am trying to remember how I was before I thought of “closing the gap”, concept and how I thought differently and what were the different effects.  I am doing this to analyze what I am really doing by “closing the gap” and why is it so impacting, and if its really what I should do, and if I would be missing out on any Life if I did so.  Before I figured it out, there was a pattern in my moments of inspiration: low, low low, shot up to peak, fast but gradual decrease, low, low, low.  Now with this new concept in mind, inspiration comes as I use it: gradually upward.  So its not “closing the gap” that makes it go up, but it only supports it. what makes it go up?

When I try to “close the gap”  I feellike what I am doing is trying to see beauty in the things I see and justification for the errors I sense.

I am confused, if what I think is true then, what the hell was I doing by giving myself hell?  If one does not see the light by immersing themselves in darkness.  I guess I just didnt know how to be afraid. 

(please dont kill me, I dont want to die.  I want to live, I want to keep on wasting my time).

Accusers- no better than themselves, people that mind: how does one deal with them? Although my ego denies it, I’ve done it before; when my friends would fail, I would not just see them as disgraceful.

I want to go over my diary to confirm this new method, hopefully I dont forget.I went over my diaries to figure out why “closing the gap” feels like a completeness.  I had talked about it in March 29.

If I cant see beauty, I have to admit that there is at least unseen beauty, and that the repulsiveness I see is only in myself. 

Why the hell did I think it was important to kill myself?!  I did the opposite of what I wanted because I would not accept the light unless it was Complete.  What I did was: I closed all the windows, and doors, turned off all the lights and candles, covered up every hole where light could seep through, and yelled at the top of my lungs, “WHERE IS THE LIGHT!!!?  Where is it!?” if I saw any sign of light, I would quickly cover up where it came from so that I was in as much darkness as I could put myself in, and I suffered.  I trapped myself in.  It was like I blind folded myself with layers and layers over my eyes, and asked God to show me how to see.  I asked Him to remove the blindness from me, but as he tried to help me Iheld on tightly to my blindfolds.  What was I doing here? Why was I doing this?This is what it looks like now, and it doesnt seem to make sense now, but it did back then.  What did this mean? 

May 1, 2010

Effects of satisfaction: when you are satisfied with Life, and with everything that comes your way, I theorize that people are easier around you, because since your gestures dont indicate that you want something, others wont feel like you are expecting something from them.

Realizing that you are alive takes/(is in) fixing the disconnection between imagination and reality.

Disconnection between imagination and reality.  What I once felt was real dies away as I walk out of my meditation. 

This is why looking at myself in the mirror creates that confusion, because I choose the way I appear in order to satisfy something about my subconscious, but out in the real world I do not realize what my subconscious is trying to realize by my appearance.  I forget, there is a disconnection between my imagination...

Whatever the case, I must have faith that whatever happens is according to God’s will, again I remember, even in my confusion God is working His mysterious ways.  The determining factor is not fearlessness, but faith.  That even though somethings are not part of your reality, they are, just the way that they are not.  And that anything is possible.

You are only as great as you allow yourself to be.  You will not do great things until you realize how great you are; your True Greatness reaches Infinity.

Think of what is real, and all of its aspects, all the poetry you can imagine, everything that inspires your heart.  All in terms of what is Real, the Reality that is beyond what you believe, but whatever you end up believing, make sure you believe it where ever you go; not only in your meditation.

I must be willing to let go of everything I believe and have believed about the world.

Wake me up God, please wake me up.My soul cries out for a hint of breath of life; by body in its closed coffin breaks its hand through to search for light, but only finds dirt to suffocate me all the more.  It’s not in my will to find it.  In these times of darkness, let me walk among the dead.

As I walked along, I wanted to connect my surroundings with my imagination, everything that I saw was part of Reality.  All I see has as many wonders as Reality has, and all I dont see.  This includes every person here.  I realized that I never recognized my brothers as part of God.  And my conscious mind says I am forgetting those in torment, but I think they are encompassed within this mystery.  Maybe this is the sense in which I need no one; I need not your approval to know that you are my brother.