October 13, 2009

I did the tapping exercise for procrastination, afterwards, i got ready to do homewoork but before I left I felt the need to tell my friends that I loved them, so that they wouldnt think I am notaround for them.  So this is what was making me procrastinate, I was afraid that because I did my homework I would be spending time that I could instead use to show affection towards others.  But why would I hold this belief?  I guess its because it really hurts me when people dont have time for me, and so I hesitate to do my work to be available to my friends, so that they dont feel the same way I do.

Inducing Irrational Emotions

File Location:  My Words/Completion (What we know)\Achieving Awareness\Methodology\Explore\Objects\Achieving Ignorance/Inducing Irrational Emotions

I guess you start focusing (because your world is those things that you foucus on) on those things that make your situation scary.

And now you can practice facing your fear,

As you have also been able to get rid of your fear, you must accomplish both (that we know of) to achieve exploration.

Ignorance

File Location:  My Words/Completion (What we know)\Achieving Awareness\Methodology\Explore\Objects\Achieving Ignorance/Ignorance

So if our goal is to achieve life and awareness, that means that we must do our best to move away from the opposite; death and ignorance.  Now we must remember that when we explore and if we want to learn we must also cover the things that ignorance deals with, we should try to be ignorant sometimes, not because we feel like it, but because we must, in order to know what it feels like and what the subject is about.

This is s curious subject indeed where the contradictions of everything I believe (the separation of Life and Death) are exposed to show again that, I really dont know if any of this is true, that reminds me that I do not have the mental capacity to know any truths; except that there Is... maybe.

Anyways, we must explore ignorance, but because of the nature of ignorance is that it makes us ignore, we should not go too deep into it and get lost in it.  But we should also explore what it is like to go deep into it and get lost in it so that you have no hope of getting out, (or at least that you believe that you have no hope of getting out).  The best I can say to accomplish this, is to pray to the unknown about it, cuz I seriously dont know how one is about to do this.  As how can one remember what it was like to live in a realm where there  is no memory, and how can one write down the characteristics of a state of mind that makes him not care about writing anymore?  I tried it, and I didnt write alot of stuff I knew I shold have, hm whatever.

An alternative may be to use your imagination instead of actually dying...

Anyways, so a practical example of having a reason to become ignorant to be able to learn about it first hand is, when you are trying to figure out how to convince ignorant people of things, you need to learn how ignorant people see the world, so you become ignorant, then become not ignorant, then apply the same steps to the subject. 

Nevertheless, it is better to stay away from death attributes when living real life.

These are the following:

Fear

Worry (certainly doesnt make a situation better by worrying)

And stuff like this,

So how would one get rid of these things.

And are these really necessary?

Why would you need fear if you already know the danger of something and can weight the consequences and the possibilities and you have already considered the risks, and looked over your plan over and over again, you are already sure of what you are doing (even though unknown is always a possibility), if you still hesitate then the fear is just unreasonable.

So fear is good so that one is cautious, but when you have made a decision to work towards what you fear, then it would be very useful to get rid of it (unless you want to have fun fighting it, that sure is fun.. hyperventilating fun!!).

If you get worried about somehting and know that you should stay away fromthe situation, and there is nothing you can do.  You can still await for a possibility of being able to do something about it, without having the stressful anticipation of worry.  You should get rid of it. Unless you like to worry.

Closed mindedness, get rid of it.

But hey, when you get rid of things and forget them you encourage ignorance.  So even though you may be able to get rid of irrational fear etc. you must also be able to induce them.  To be able to use it in your imagination.

October 10, 2009

I was reading something about accidents

that made me think of the "accident" I made

with the prophesying girl...

well I was looking through my

recollection of my reasonings and remembered.

I did in fact consider that something like this what I did

may startle her, and that if I did not want to take the risk,

I didnt have to...  other than the explanation I gave you

that I thought her acting kind of coocoo got my hopes

for her accepting that kind of behavior from me...

So I did consider the possibility, hehe.

but I went along with my action,

to put into practice what I had just wrote about..

(the thing I sent you about something maybe being a bad idea)

anyways, so I would put it into practice if it turned out that

she would get startled, Im pretty sure that I was pretty sure in my mind that she would.

so perfect chance...

but once she got startled

(or maybe even before I entered)

I forgot that I had that plan,

and after everything happened the way it did,

I forgot: that I had a purpose,

that I wouldnt let the outcome affect me,

(because I had already considered and accepted the possibilities)

and that I had planned anything out.

and so I have been thinking for a while that it was an accident,

and that I "screwed up"... (wait a sec now this changes everything doesnt it?)

So in other perspective... my thoughts "ditched me"

and it is soo fucking funny!!!

I am really laughing right now.

you know its like when you agree with your friends

to streak at the beach but when the time comes

they stay behind and your the only one doing the deed and getting in trouble.

So I guess thats what happened,

I played a joke on myself...

I must havesome really heavy humor to

make myself go through all of that...

It WAS funny though, wow

::yea my thoughts are here now

and they are laughing at me, some friends they are...

I love my thoughts::

anyways so Ill probably have to plan another thing again,

hopefully they wont ditch me this time.

*January 1, 2010 (this was an email sent to my counselor thrapist... the line “wait a sec, now this changes everything doesnt it?” probably is what made him think that this was all a game to me and I was focused on bullshitting people and annoying them with my complex thinking.  The idea to which he responded with, “you are really fucking smart you know that?!”, lolol, ah, I love my life.)

Achieving Awareness

File Location:  My Words/Completion (What we know)\Achieving Awareness/Achieving Awareness

If minds are similar to mine, then I observe things that make me more aware of life, whether in reality these things actually manifest life or not I dont know.  But they raise my awareness, and if minds out there are similar to mine, then I can achieve in them, what goes on inside me.

Give attention/become interested, experience all things and cherish more and the more emotions, feelings anything that brings life, (imagination counts).

With an open mind you MAY accept patterns and make decisions according to them, but lose them as soon as possible, or find something better, to prevent numbness, and unlife. You may use it to gain new life, see results, but dont make it yourself, dont align it to yourself as life.

These are what I observe are things that help in raising awareness.

Explore:  Relevant events give emotion and interest, you must look for these to spur your life, they can be found ANYWHERE and in anything, but you must find a way for your mind to see them.  And these that make emotion, that make power, and build up potential for life, so we live.  But how do you find these relevant events? You just look, anywhere and every where you look they are everywhere you just have to set yourself and your mind in motion.  And learn many ways to do this.

Learn/Remember:  Emotion, when you have passion into what you are doing, you have a drive and you have interest, you have a motive to learn, and so you will learn by your own will.  Not only that but because you are interested you it will have morre of an effect on you.  Keep in mind how things have turned out and the seeming causes, so you can have it for later use, become an expert in reality because the more you learn, the more is the life that is in you.  The more perspectives you have are all the worlds you have conquered.  You have chosen life, now let life be yours, remember everything about life, and never forget anything.  Have life in your mind.  In every case that you are interested in, ask.  Now because forgetting is a prominent problem for human beings, OR because remembering is so important, it is important that you wonder about it. Remember – what good is it to have a great and amazing life, if you dont remember it it would be like you never had it.  If nothing else remember’s it, it would be like they never saw you.  It is important to remember yourself and about others, so that you can have proof that you have lived.  If memories are truly accounts of the past, and the past  really reflects, the experiences you have had in this world.

Variety: Now as you achieve something that raises awareness it is, good to try other things, to go for variety.  Also after developing a habit, the result usually goes numb. If you can renew it, thats great, but you should remember to explore, and for exploring you should try without it.

(remember I wrote, to consecrate your every move with prayer to the Unknown, because it Is and should help you make correct decisions towards awareness, and Life, and such)

And YOU as a deliverer of Awareness, must set an example, must have all that it stands for at your disposal.

And so, enjoy all the pleasures and all the pains of life because in death, such art will never exist.

Insimple terms, the goal that one must have to achieve awareness is to give off, more effect.

A rule of thumb is to always realize that you are alive and to just think of  what it means, and you must be creative to arrive with multiple interpretations. 

I am alive, greatness opportunity to feel and to experience, i am up for anything; but what about the others; what about them? are they a danger to me?; well only if they take your life away but that hardly ever happens, so take risks and live on, because in a place like this, anything is good.  And live, because thefact that you get to be alive shows that him which bbrings to existenceis on your side.

So much effect that  there is no need for time consuming projection? What role does time play in awareness?

If after reading all of this, you are still not going anywhere, that is because you are not following instructions.  If these things are important, Exploring, Remembering andLearning, Variety, Feeling, Life and God, then you should really wonder about them, have you forgotten to do all of this? It is because you havent wondered about remembering.  Go ahead and do research, see what other people think, but just because you are getting ideas from others does not mean that you dont have to wonder  about them anymore.  The result is thinking critically.

Mission Statement:  So as to accomplish the will of life that i know, my mission is to make people aware.  In the culture that i am useed to living in, people go on with their lives as if they were dead, their only purpose and desire is for pleasure, they do not understand the beauty of grief, vut with simple mids they observe and decide what is “good” and “bad”, but really they are just telling apart their likes from dislikes.  I want to accomplish life but also, tell others about it.

October 9, 2009

Well I cut myself, and it only means that I have failed,  I failed with the job that God had for me, or to experience going through something I DONT know but I failed,, I failed because I used sin in order to get through something easier, and now I bet it will cost me in the future.  I asked God for mercy and I am way happier now, for no fucking reason, I laugh I laugh I laugh like never? No I have laughed harder, but I just see everything as funny now, whatever it may be.  No, I must ask God to put me through the pain,  cant believe I gave up from Him, no I shouldnt have. This is bad.  I am happy, but its bad, its not artificial, but there are things on the other side that I need to take care of.  Oh God or something, is there anything you can do? I mean what does this tapping mean? Will the lack of pain mean I will miss out on the art of pain? Oh no, I loved the art of pain, I am really going to miss it, but this what I am doing is painful, leaving pain behind. I mean I could tap it out, Im afraid I may accidently do it I mean, cant I at least dwell in my fears, what does all of this mean? I need to do research, I need to reasearch the things in Tapping.com to know what this all means.

So I wrote down this, the downside of tapping is that even though you may get rid of these negative emotions from your childhood, or how Tom Davis explained in Foundations of Romanticism class, that there are emotions in your childhood that need to be explained and expressed and that these somehow create the Emerson’s Joy or that feeling of the sublime that I get sometimes, those emotins and thoughts that make me convulse that I dont understand that move inside me and make me desperate to LIVE TO LIVE DESperate to live.  I dont want to get rid of them, I want to relish on these, because these also compose part of the infinity in life, these negative emmotions are aspects to explore, hopefully, being “happy” does not mean I cant understand sadness and anger anymore.  I am now doing research... but I really want to siiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggaaaHHHH!!!

I feel like I cheated. Like I took the easy way out, like if someone gave me a lift, instead of me figuring it out... Well after a long time of praying for pain and trials, this time I prayed for mercy, and I cut myself.  I am such a fool, I fear of what this may turn into. If I cut myself its like I sacrificed wrongly, I pleaded through a sin.  I want to ask God to take me back, but I dont know if its possible, it was said that the effects  of tapping were permanent.

My horoscope from yesterday (I dont usually read it I just ran into it today), said that it wouldnt be long before the storm clears... I just wish I would have had more faith in God that this would happen, and not have cut myself.  I mean, I already knew that changes could happen this quick this sudden, in a life like this anything is possible.. but its just that so much time had passed that it did not seem to come, and i was starting to wonder, I did not see that all this time that this was not changing meant even more that change was imminent, by possibility, I can see how I thought not so, because if it hasnt changed yet, then it would not change later.  What is all of this? I am left confused, and I could just tap it away but I am afraid to, since I am suppose to accomplish all things in the first stage before I make a permanent jump to the second, and this is my rule to accomplish exploration.

*January 1, 2010 (beware of permanent damages [changes]. It is a well respected rule I keep, that before I move on to a level that I wont be able to look back, I look as much as I can in the first.  I may have to let go of this rule because [no, not because I think some things are worth ignoring or not worth paying attention to but because] in the case of openning your mind, letting go of the smaller world, does not mean getting rid of it, but getting more of it.  Getting rid of anything [specially permanently] is a sin, in the perfect world, nothing is permanent, unless it is everything.)

Also I am afraid of learning these things from third sources because then I wont be able to claim originality.

Ok so, Im seeing this change as a bad thing because I cut myself, and I feel like my failure brought all of this.  But if I look at the events of the past before i cut myself I should see that maybe it isnt so.  Maybe its okay that things are changing, maybe it would have been better even if I succeeded.  I mean, I was learning to be (but not able to ramain) in a good mood, before this happened, and the prophesying girl prophesied positively about me before this as well.

I still feel like if i didnt reach the bottom of the pit that I was bound to touch.  I want to cry, I mean I dont feel sad and I dont feel like crying but I wish i did.  I want to remember what its like to be in that pain that lead me to hurt myself.  I feel sorry for him, I want to share his burden.  I want to be with him and cry with him, hmm. I want to kiss him passionately and grab his cock, lol. Ok ok, calm down.

Ok so the point of being in a bad mood is to close up your possibilities so you can focus on the bad things and work against them (source unknown, lol... oh wait here  it is http://darkwingchun.wordpress.com/2009/06/06/mood-affects-perception/). Well Toma Davis told students about good mood bad mood, and perception of possibilities but he didnt say its purpose. But sometimes you get in a “bad” closed mood even though there is no threat, and sometimes, it even is too closed for the situation.   So bad moods are necessary someitmes, and one needs to have flexibility between the two.  Hm, I thought that with the tapping I could never be in a bad mood again... this would be bad..

October 7, 2009

It is 1:46 am, again I feel as if I am alone.  So I went to the prophesying girl to make sure that I was okay cuz I felt bad, and God told me to talk to her anyways, so I looked for her.  She came out and we walked she told me to look at things and tell her what I saw, she told me that I was suppose to be sensitive with peple to not scare them, that I need people to trrust me, and that I am not used to doing that, I agreed, at least in this Whitman context.  Anyways, so I sat on the grass feeling around, not far I saw a tennis ball, she asked me what it meant, I said I didnt know,  I threw it into the tennis court but it hit the trees, I said there was a block, she asked me where. I said that it wasnt spacial, I walked towards where the tennis ball landed and there was another ball, it had been there for a while (the block, I meant),  I threw the tennis balls in now, she told me to pray to remove the block, I prayed.  Then we  walked, I was seeing things, I saw vines going up a wall, I got close pressing my chest against it, I saw 2 paths, but I didnt know what they meant.  I told her there are 2 paths.  We walked, she said that she needed to go but that I should stay,  I stayed, on ankeny, I sat in a circle, I saw 2 people, one walking to the left and one biking to the right,thhe biker crossed the walker and went through the bushes.  Then I saw a dog limping out the back of the bushes, and I viker followed, it was dark.  I went to my  room and suggested that the block meant that the girl did not trust me, I felt it on her because of the way that she did not let me make physical contact with her.  I went back to her house and knocked, she wouldnt come out, so I went in, as I went in, she was there, she walk towards me, and I reached to grab her sholders and asked her if she trusted me, startled at the way I lunged forward she said no.  and she directed me toward the door, I told her that the block that had been there was her mistrust.  And I went out.  Now I feel like God has forsaken me, because I put my trust on the fact thatGod was talking through her, and now that she does not trust me I feel as if she has taken from me the God I always yearned.  But I prayed, and God told me that I am silly, that He is Almighty and that He answers to those who search forr Him, He told me that my trust should not depend on men, and that He is always True, it is the same God I always pray to, and I am in love with Him.  I asked Him why I was so confused, and He told me that it was because I have not thought about how he deals with other people, because when I talk to Him, we usually just talk about us, in my context, but He is everywhere and also responds to other people, and I dont understand how that happens. I am just very glad that He hasnt left me, and I love Him for that.  So what now? I ask Him.

---------------------------------------------

after I woke up that same day...

So yea, I pray, and I try to settle matters, I feel confined, because those around are nuts, and mildly psychotic, (according to Tom Davis’s example of psychosis).  Anyways so here I am, what am I to do around such people. I should be considerate, they are really sensitive people who get hurt in play, so I cannot play rough, because they cant handle it, so either I dont get to play, or I must play by their rules, either choice, I never get to do what I want.  Hmm, this is really interesting, well I am sure that not everyone here is like this, only those that I have met, I am also probably doing something unreasonable, automatically, myself to cause this kind of behavior in them.  So I should be myself, I should. I should, and I do not plan to do otherwise.  But there are things that I have to watch from them, cuz they hurt, they hurt me the way they are.  The way they dont let me do my things, but I guess I am here for them... maybe. I do have to learn to deal with them.  I could slowly try to teach them, but  must be extra careful as they are extra sensitive.

So I cut myself and it made me laugh, when I was crying. I really did make me feel better. I can think straighter now.  See I think the problem is that I keep seeing my situation as I am the one with the problem and that it is my fault that everyone is scared of me and avoids me.  But I think I should change my perspective for a while, and see it as what they are doing wrong, they think that they are  badass and have authority to shame me to my face when the only thing I have done is try to make myself comfortable around them because I thought they would accept me as a friend as I am,  and the way they react they dont realize how much it really hurts me, I dont want to try to be part of them anymore. I made need friends but I cant satisfy their conditions, and if I try then I automatically get my hopes up which will only cause even more pain in the end.  I will just do what they say word for word, no surprises, no natural passion, no real effort... thats if they tell me to.  Other than that I will just be myself.  I mean, I think they really dont care about what I feel, the way they treat me, just throw me around from here to there when they dont want to deal with me, they just talk to me enough to tell there conscience that they have done their part, but they really dont care about how they make me feel.  What kind of friend would one be, that avoids you when ever they feel like you did something wrong, I think a friend would try to settle things, not avoid each other.  So they are not my friends, and I dont want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me as one, I do not want to give them the satisfaction of feeling like they are caring people, when they dont really care.  And so my heart slowly starts getting filled with dissappointment, with hate.  How does one remain courageous in a crowd of cowards?

To my counselor:

thinking about why cutting myself made me laugh,

well its not really cutting myself its more like scratching myself.

Anyways, now that I think about it,

I think it may also be because I make fun of people who cut themselves

when they are sad, and I made fun of myself internally when I was doing it.

Or maybe I was fantasizing on the kinds of thoughts people would have,

and how they would feel.

hmm, if it was the latter, it would make sense how I got the different perspective

on how I now think that they should be more considerate of my emotions.

Gosh, I feel ashamed for being the kind of person who would ask for help

by cutting themselves, I think its a disgrace, to pretend to attempt suicide just to get attention..

but with people who dont want to listen what else can one do I guess.

hmm, I need to figure out if this is true, and what other things I can resort to..

cuz I really think its ridiculous if I am really doing this just to get attention.

well maybe if its a need to express myself, it wouldnt be so bad,

but for the soul purpose of getting attention? I look down on that.

Hmm is there even a difference?

Anyways on the subject of being attracted to the prophesying girl, it was kind of a weird question cuz the thing about me is that I have crush on practically every girl I see, but because of that, I learned that “falling in love” is an emotion that I should disregard, and I try not to make a big deal out of my infatuations.  So yes I do have feelings for her, but no, I havent even gotten around to having sexual fantasies about her... not that I remember at the moment at least.  I dont know if I do the same thing with guys in a more suppressed manner, hmm, I really dont think so, but hey you never know.

Thats not what I wanted to tell you though... Ill send you another if it comes to mind, hopefully you dont mind too many emails.

HEY! Do you think what I did Monday night was creepy, I am pretty sure there are people that would be “concerned” about my behavior, while worshipping.

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