3:00 a.m.
As I walked to music building I felt it again, a familiar sensation, the one, or part of the one I had felt when I thought I was going to heaven. And as was thinking about what it meant, I prayed for clarity with the exercise that I learned to do with my mind, a mental operation to summon clarity, what does this mean? Come clarity, I summoned clarity. But then I thought, is clarity really what I am suppose to be asking for? If I get to clarity then I will lack confusion, and does not confusion have a right to exist, since it obviously does. If not clarity then what should I ask for? What should I summon? I should ask for whatever it Is. What this is? Whatever this may be. I do not want to direct my fate by my human desire, God be God, God’s will be done, I do not ask for clarity if it’s not will, I do not ask for God’s will to be done, if it is not God’s will for His will to be done (yes God is powerful enough to do that). What do I summon? And how could I ever operate my mind to focus on such thing to summon it? Is? Be? Let? Let whatever it is to be what it is, even if its not to be, just “Let”.
To get rid of all prejudice, not just the obsessions of the mind by thoughts, but also emotions. Because emotions are essence of thoughts, I must not let the symbols of the external world control me. Why is it that I believe one thing but then after a couple of symbols I believe another? Why do I keep trying to avoid certain sensations? Because of the examples I see around me? Why do I blindly follow the laws that others follow? Why do I let my mind be constructed by society when the objective reality is dominant? I need to get rid of all the laws that human beings believe and keep to supposedly be able to exist in this realm. This realm, in which we are human, we work so that we can keep our human bodies for the longest time? Our goal is to be human, in this realm. But God has a greater plan, and is part of a Greater realm, a greater realm in which our human bodies is the least of our concern, our infinite essence is what we must cherish. I want to live according the greater laws of Reality, the world that is hidden behind our human surface.
To not let external symbols carry my focus from place to place, distraction is what makes me ignore the Truth. Distractions involve anything that does not reveal or enhance the full present; this includes thoughts of the past when I daydream and forget about what I am doing, this involves the definite meaning packet that I have place in each object that does not let me think of it in its truth (Example: the experiment to see whether monkeys can make sense of a chair as an object to climb onto, to be able to get a banana, instead of just thinking of the chair as something to sit on). Prejudice goes so deep inside, to be able to get rid of it would mean that, I would not judge the world with these misleading sensations. Like when I think I am alone in a room, because I feel alone, but I am really not; this feeling of being alone, is what I judged the world by, prejudice. To get rid of these, would mean that when I talk to a person I would feel the same way as if I am talking to a wall, and vice versa. A comprehensive sensation; to feel the totality of the world at all times; all possible sensations of the mind combined. North is East is South is West, the infinity of the universe has not four winds.
And where does God come in, in all of this? If all I am doing is sensations? Well where has God been all your life, and how little time you take to sense His presence? Do not forget that the only reason why human beings think that God exist is because they can sense something, whether it is mystery, or wonder, or a greater power, or even simply being alive, and these sensations are only a tiny piece of His wholeness. Where does God come into all of this? I will be in His presence continually. North is East is South is West, because God is the great.
But what about the third person God, the independent entity that does not need me to exist? This phrase that I have just said, this form that I have described as independent, I am aware of it by a sensation; yes, even this independent aspect of God will rule over me. But does not it feel inadequate to say that God can exist independently if independence is only a sensation of my mind? And does not the question come to mind, is God really independent? This feeling of inadequacy is just another sensation, and so is this feeling of doubt; contradiction is another sensation, but the totality of all of these and more IS God. I wish I had better words to explain this paradox, but my inspirations are currently fleeting, because of my distractions, and what makes me want to judge the sensation of distraction as a flaw.
A quest to become a full being, nothing like the subhumans that inhabit the earth, the fallen race.A Universal citizen, with values greater than any human being can come up with, with the values of an eternal being, one that is not concerned about pretty girls, family drama, marriage and growing old with a certain partner, being successful, famous and honored by other fellow fallen; all of these are only values of the human realm; I want to live not as a human that lives for a short time and dies, that missies out so much in life, that never gets to fly; but as being that knows, that it has all of Eternity and all of God’s wonders for itself. Is this not the new creatures that Jesus said that we were suppose to become?
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