Playing Solitaire. Noticed how I missed a to stack cards before I flipped the next one, and thought, "if I had an ideal mind”: I would have noticed it right away… and now I am traumatized so that I check over three to four times before I flip the next one. If I had an ideal mind, I would be able to do it all in one glance, and I would have the confidence without doubt that what I had in mind is what there is. The reason I have this doubt is because I made myself believe that if I don’t have this doubt I may make a mistake, and in this way I can say and agree with the rest of humanity that doubt is necessary.
I imagine how I would come about to conclude this, to actually make myself believe in such: I imagine I have an ideal mind, I would make a mistake, (on purpose), and pretend (with my life!) [importance of being true to self] that I did not notice what I just did. Then I would notice that something is not as I “thought” it was, and call it a mistake. Then I would conclude that doubt is necessary. And the way that this carries on is that by doubting, we ignore the pure message that comes into our mind. We do this because we have made ourselves believe that it is necessary for us to not believe in pure truth sometimes. And because of this we make even more mistakes, and get even more traumatized, each time convincing ourselves more and more that it is wrong to be wrong and you must doubt in order to have a chance to get something right.
If you notice, the cycle begins with pretending, and then you just miss things because of doubt that was never necessary in the first place. You get things wrong because you doubt, and you doubt because you get things wrong. You just fall deeper and deeper into doubt, into conflict, into sin, until you forget that you were just pretending all along; and this is why we suffer, we pretend that there is no way that we can solve our problems, that we can improve our lives, and we end up agreeing to the bloom of our first doubt, the sprout of the seed of pretension; The seed that you planted had an internal design to grow this black and putrid rose to give you this message: “life sucks”.
God, why does it have to be like this? Why can’t I have more of you?
God: why do you reject things being like they are? You are not allowing yourself to have the hand that I am giving you.
You reject because you doubt, and you doubt because of your rejection. When will you stop pretending that I am not trustworthy?
Now back to Solitaire: what would it be like if I had an ideal mind? But things still go wrong (as they do now…) if it’s not necessary to doubt then what should I do? How would I react, if not think that I have made a mistake, that I was wrong about a judgment? I guess just expect it but if I expect myself to be wrong, but I am right, then I am wrong again.
So maybe the answer is to expect nothing. But let’s say: If I were to put this glass on the table, but not expect it to be there when I turn away, then why would I put it on the table in the first place? I guess I could still put it on the table, but not for the purpose of it staying there. But the reasons why each of our actions has a purpose is because we want to mold the present into our ideal, we want to control things to be a certain way.
To see life as we control nothing. The purpose of life is not to control as much as you can, when you stop wanting to control, you will never be wrong again; life is so that we observe, you can’t go wrong by listening.
God, why does it have to be like this? Why can’t I have more of you?
God: why do you want to control things you have no authority over? You are not even allowing yourself to see what I am trying to do.
You try to control things because you don’t see, and you don’t see because you spend your attention on trying to figure out a way to control things. When will you stop decorating and see that, Beautiful I forever am?
As I focus on my thoughts, I can feel a countless of questions, doubts, being asked, and all of them being answered in less than a tenth of a second; (the “waves” of the mind, possibly). All of them easily answered, all of them pointlessly asked.
Is it important to ask questions? Questions keeps one from continuing. Answers are always there, but stop because we ask the question, little after we ask the question we decide to consider again. Only until one decides that something is worthy enough to have faith in, a symbol that says, “I guess it’s okay see what you have been looking at.”
It is not in asking questions, but in seeking the answer, that one finds truth.
In order to actualize dreams, one must first wake up from their sleep.
If I had never heard this phrase before, I would have came up with it today… but possibly disregarded it.
Friend #1: what is a balanced perspective?
Friend #A: when and why did I think it was important or valuable to “let go”
I tried calling a friend I dialed 3**-3*2* instead.. a lady answered, she thought I was her son, we talked about a bunch of stuff, Christmas, job shift, my wife’s car, playstatin to for my daughter and my son being too young, moving to Hisperia, looking for jobs, how she was making a lot of miney even though she was wet, her buying us a new car for Erika, my wife. In the end she never knew I was not her son, so he will probably think she is crazy when she tells him. I talked to her for like 24 minutes..
23 and around half to be exact.
