January 28, 2010

Ok so I was going to write today about the reason why I havent been writing... but I didnt, until now. I think its because that all that I wrote about, was to remind me of everything I have done in my life, the worlds I have been in, so that when I am depressed I looked towards those days that I was better off, to figure out the spirit I once had in me, to possibly gain it again.  I think that the reason I am not writing right now even though so much is happening, is because I already have the spirit that I was looking for.  So it turns out that I was just doing this for my sake, without considering that you would be reading this.

But now I feel the need to write again, because I feel that what just happened right now may have a possibility of fogging my mind.  I voice recorded my second conversation.  But first the head psychology guy from whitman, emailed me to call him, and he told me to stay away from my girlfriend because she has so much in her past (like I dont), and that she is crazy (which is the same what whitties think of me anyways), and that she would be my worst nightmare (which are usually the kinds of girls I like), and that I dont want to be with her (and how does he know what I want?).  First of all, I laugh at the fact that they are even trying to control me like not even my own parents do.  Of how oh my God, this is insane, of how insane they are to break in and judging what I do, and everything that is going on with me.  He was trying to make me afraid, which is the reason why I am writing, because I feel fear creeping up on me.  I shouldnt care, but there is something about this situation that is making me realize a fear I had, but even though its not about her I still cant pinpoint what it is, and because of this, I am connecting that fear with her.  It naturally takes over, the death, until it gets to every part of your life, until it blinds you completely, until you see no meaning in life, and you prefer death.  The worst thing you can do to anybody, is to make them afraid.  He told me that I could go to jail for being with her, and I wouldnt even be afraid of jail if God was with me.  But the fact he was telling me to be afraid, makes me afraid of it.  I must not judge him, I think the reason why I feel this is because I am rejecting him makes me feel this.  I just talked to my girlfriend, and it made me see how wrong and judgmental he was.  But I still have this fear, and I am worried that this fear will make me doubt her, because I will forget his words (whether they made sense or not), if I still have the fear I will be a slave to it without being able to examine what he actually said.  Its okay, I dont need to remember anything he said to get rid of the fear, to see how the fear is ridiculous, all I need to do is remember God.  God bless me, allow me to see, to not fear.  My God, Im here, a college student Im just trying to get through classes, and study, and here are these people from the college itself, telling me to be afraid, distracting me from my studies, who the fuck, I mean cmon.  I cant even focus on my homework anymore.