January 28, 2010

Ok so I was going to write today about the reason why I havent been writing... but I didnt, until now. I think its because that all that I wrote about, was to remind me of everything I have done in my life, the worlds I have been in, so that when I am depressed I looked towards those days that I was better off, to figure out the spirit I once had in me, to possibly gain it again.  I think that the reason I am not writing right now even though so much is happening, is because I already have the spirit that I was looking for.  So it turns out that I was just doing this for my sake, without considering that you would be reading this.

But now I feel the need to write again, because I feel that what just happened right now may have a possibility of fogging my mind.  I voice recorded my second conversation.  But first the head psychology guy from whitman, emailed me to call him, and he told me to stay away from my girlfriend because she has so much in her past (like I dont), and that she is crazy (which is the same what whitties think of me anyways), and that she would be my worst nightmare (which are usually the kinds of girls I like), and that I dont want to be with her (and how does he know what I want?).  First of all, I laugh at the fact that they are even trying to control me like not even my own parents do.  Of how oh my God, this is insane, of how insane they are to break in and judging what I do, and everything that is going on with me.  He was trying to make me afraid, which is the reason why I am writing, because I feel fear creeping up on me.  I shouldnt care, but there is something about this situation that is making me realize a fear I had, but even though its not about her I still cant pinpoint what it is, and because of this, I am connecting that fear with her.  It naturally takes over, the death, until it gets to every part of your life, until it blinds you completely, until you see no meaning in life, and you prefer death.  The worst thing you can do to anybody, is to make them afraid.  He told me that I could go to jail for being with her, and I wouldnt even be afraid of jail if God was with me.  But the fact he was telling me to be afraid, makes me afraid of it.  I must not judge him, I think the reason why I feel this is because I am rejecting him makes me feel this.  I just talked to my girlfriend, and it made me see how wrong and judgmental he was.  But I still have this fear, and I am worried that this fear will make me doubt her, because I will forget his words (whether they made sense or not), if I still have the fear I will be a slave to it without being able to examine what he actually said.  Its okay, I dont need to remember anything he said to get rid of the fear, to see how the fear is ridiculous, all I need to do is remember God.  God bless me, allow me to see, to not fear.  My God, Im here, a college student Im just trying to get through classes, and study, and here are these people from the college itself, telling me to be afraid, distracting me from my studies, who the fuck, I mean cmon.  I cant even focus on my homework anymore.

January 24, 2010

We must submit ourselves to God to be able to find freedom, its kind of paradoxical in a sense that you must lower yourself t move up.  You must get rid of your pride, you must step down from your throne of decadence to become a servant of freedom.  When I was young I wondered where existence ended, I wondered if the sky, the plate behind the stars, was the edge of existence.  If our Universe was boxed within the sky, the impenetrable wall, I would be unsatisfied, because I would wonder what was beyond this box, behind these walls.  And if the universe was truly infinite, I would feel hopeless as I would never understand its magnitude, but if I did, I would be boxed.  Either way I was unsatisfied, whether existence was boxed, or whether it was infinite.  This sky, that boxes in the universe, that declares the limits in our lives, these are the laws of pride, like a bubble stuck in its ceiling, it must let go of its highest place, to reach the higher, and it must remain under no ceiling, to be able to always have a vision of the Infinite above its head, for it to keep moving up, higher and higher.  We must not lie to ourselves, that existence is boxed in, just to satisfy our desire to conquer all knowledge, because even if existence is boxed, in our hearts we still wonder, what dwells beyond.  Lets remove our covers, and witness the truth, and like this, lets move ever upward.

God above all

Paralyzed by fear - In a class I took about Jesus, we talked about the paralytic that Jesus healed, Jesus told him, “your sins are forgiven...”  How does this work? In the class we made reference to present and tangible examples: it happens many times, that the result of oppression the guilt all those negative emotions, depression and anger, manifests itself as a disease.  We can see its possible because there is the present example of all the disorders and diseases caused by stress, its because of all the oppression thats present in our culture, thee reason for all this sickness.  The reason why there were many sick gentiles in the roman empire in those days, was because of all the oppression they were going through (this is real, this has happened, do not be afraid to learn how God makes sense, do not be afraid of God’s wisdom).  When Jesus came along and forgave their sins, they were healed, they were freed of all their stress, all their fear, anything that they were concerned about, the One Jew that said, that they were worthy of living, that there was nothing wrong with them; the gentiles felt guilty and were oppressed by the jews, but this Jew accepted them, and their curse was lifted.Jesus accepted them when no other would... (what does this say about our character).  Oppression by fear, bondage from addiction, to fast food, to alcohol.  There are many ways you can heal, there are infinite ways to stay alive, why is there so many obese people, an overwhelming example, it all begins with our mind, we do not feel free to run, to eat healthy food, there is also psychological oppression, is what obviously causes anorexia, an overwhelming example, and depression from it.. it is all oppression, how do you let go?

I think about this, sometimes I am tempted, I am being bound by my carnal desires, we are addicted to certain things, why? I think about it, and you should to, now obeserve, that the object of temptation is offering an experience.  We crave this experience because its new to us, we feel safe in it, we feel like if its something new, we see freedom in it, we love.  But we are wrongfully projecting love and freedom on this object, this corruptible symbol now means freedom to us, we love it, we have faith in it as if it was God.  I want to let you know that God can not only remove this craving, but he can satisfy it.  Your desire for the experience is not the sin, the sin is thinking that you can only obtain this experience from the object that you see, and forgetting that God is abundant in blessings, that he is comprehensive in wonders, and that he never lets you down.

Memories that stalk, Isaiah 54:4

How to forget?

Take the trunk out of your own eye, before you try to remove the speck from your neighbors eye, what does this mean?  I learned this when I reflected on when before I rejected certain people for doing certain things.  I learned that rejecting the rejector did not make me better than them, and I was not justified in rejecting them (why?), but by rejecting them I was becoming just like them.  Before we criticize, we must remove our desire to criticize, we must cleanse ourselves from that hatred, from that pride that makes us tell others that they are wrong and that this is the right way, that should never even come into our mind.  By criticizing others we think we are doing good, we think we are better than them, we think we are doing something good, we think we are taking a speck out of their eye, but we do not see that there is a trunk in our own.  Instead of rejecting them, we must seek to understand their point of view, their reasons for their actions, their side, their story, we must never scold them, but be compassionate towards them, reflecting on what they are doing.  We must nott hold ANYTHING against them, and when I say anything I mean that sometimes we think we are not holding anything against them when we really are.  If we leave them saying, “oh well, God will condemn you someday,” and you leave with the thought in your mind that he has a problem, then you have the problem, he may have the speck but you have the trunk.  Even if you leave saying, hope God removes that sin from you, you still have that speck, because in reality, there may be nothing wrong with him and you are just dwelling on negative emotions, living in this illusion that is making you worry, that is making you feel disconnected from God, like there is somehting wrong, its distracting, even if its only that you are worrying for their salvation, it is blinding you from seeing their true character, it is blinding you from seeing the blessings that they may have in themselves by being concerned about the sin that YOU see in them, that sin is in YOUR eye.The feeling that we get when we do not condemn others for doing such and such, and when we do not worry about their salvation, or that they may be on the wrong path, when we let go of that, we feel joy, the joy is a reflection of the faith we have that God’s will, will be done.  Do not worry, pray for each other, but when you look at your neighbor, make sure that you do not have a speck in your eye, but remove it so that you can see clearly, that you never really know what they are going through, you are able to see that even if they are in sin, that they are already saved by the blood of Jesus, you are able to see clearly, that even though they may not have accepted Jesus, that they still have hope, pray for them, then do not worry the Holy Spirit will do its will, the blessings of God will take their course.  Pray for them and have faith, without a speck in your eye.

January 22, 2010

The reason why I havnt written in such a long time is because I am finally making progress (saying this makes me think that I am not actually).  Anyways so there is this whole deal with acceptance and I am applying it, to every fear, every anger that I encounter, paying attention to the process that it takes to disqualify the “trapped energy” (negative emotion), the unsatisfied, the blindness to the blessings of infinity.The reason how I know that I am not completely pure, is because I have not even seen the fourth dimension, I always forget to consider things, I cannot walk through walls, and yes, I still get angry, sad and afraid sometimes, and I get temptations.  So no, I have not figured out the essence of waking up, even though I have done it, and I am doing it better than ever, I do not know the specific essentials it involves.  But I also thought about how it can even make one invulnerable (I mean, to have such Love means you have God... I am talking about living with God here, so yes, one can become invulnerable with God).

January 23, 2010

hello

happy sabbath

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11:11 PM

Tanya:

hello

happy sabbath lol

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11:11 PM

Mental Patient:

yay, today I get to slack off

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11:11 PM

Tanya:

lol nice lol

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11:12 PM

Mental Patient:

i love my life!!!

everything is so perfect

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11:13 PM

Tanya:

really?? do tell

lol

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11:13 PM

Mental Patient:

remember what I told you and david about my... thing

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11:14 PM

Tanya:

ya

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11:14 PM

Mental Patient:

I said that the more meaning you give to symbols in life, the more beautiful and less repulsive it becomes

so im just loving it..

art is everywhere, and im glad to be part of it.

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11:15 PM

Tanya:

wow really?? u tried it?? awesome lol

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11:16 PM

Mental Patient:

well I havent figured it out.. but Ive done it plenty of times.. if I didnt, I probably wouldnt have seen you over the break

Ive done it plenty, and Im gettingbetter at it, but that doesnt mean I understand it... you know what I mean?

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11:17 PM

Tanya:

ya i understand wat u mean lol

well hope u figure it out soon lol

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11:18 PM

Mental Patient:

oh yea, when I do, Ill probably... who knows what else Ill do..

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11:19 PM

Tanya:

orale

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11:20 PM

Mental Patient:

the way it seems at the moment.... It is better to attack the source of sin, instead of its infinite tentacles...

The secret is Love

but not love like our culture defines it

but a type of divine Love..

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11:22 PM

Tanya:

wait....secret love?? how does that work??

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11:23 PM

Mental Patient:

its the opposite of rejection

acceptance

the opposite of death

life

the opposite of nothingness

infinity

the opposite of darkness

light

and of lies

Truth

Love

uncovers itself as the Truth

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11:27 PM

Tanya:

hmm wait no lectures...

lol

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11:28 PM

Mental Patient:

well Im only giving you the title of it.. I could either lecture you, or you could just understand...

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11:29 PM

Mental Patient:

whenever you reject, what ever you reject.. you are rejecting an attribute of life, and therefore you are rejecting life... therefore your love for life is conditional.. its everybody's flaw, no person with sin loves unconditionally

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11:31 PM

Tanya:

i could understand with ur lectures

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11:31 PM

Mental Patient:

no one can love you unconditionally, unless they were divine... when some one tells you that they love you unconditionally they are lying

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11:31 PM

Tanya:

wait is this the lecture u gave to david when we went to ur house??

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11:32 PM

Mental Patient:

no

this is another aspect of it

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11:32 PM

Tanya:

aiight then

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11:33 PM

Mental Patient:

I told that to my girlfriend today.. that she didnt not love me unconditionally nor did I love her uncoditionally

to understand why, one must first understand what UNCONDITIONAL means

the things they reject of life... these all come into the condition when their love is involved...

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11:34 PM

Tanya:

r u serious?? u told her that??

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11:34 PM

Mental Patient:

well yea

im not going to lie

and it isnt that ba, if you understand what I was saying

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11:34 PM

Tanya:

well thats true on that.

ya i know wat u r sayin

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11:35 PM

Mental Patient:

I just mean that I dont have the capability to love her like God does

because there are things about life that I am still afraid of..

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11:35 PM

Tanya:

true on that

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11:36 PM

Mental Patient:

truly, True Love takes you away to new worlds

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11:38 PM

Mental Patient:

i want you to feel the same thing...

but i dont know how to instruct you

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11:38 PM

Tanya:

honestly how would one know wat true love it??

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11:38 PM

Mental Patient:

(atleast yet)

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11:38 PM

Tanya:

k??

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11:38 PM

Mental Patient:

thats the whole POINT!!!

you got IT!!!

let me tell you,, first: ask me that question again... and remember it!!

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11:39 PM

Tanya:

orale lol

thats still crazy cuz like no one will know until it happens in a way

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11:40 PM

Mental Patient:

ask me again

just ask me

if no one knows it unless it happens, it is still possible for them to not know even if it does happen

but ask me that question again

even if it does happen...

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11:41 PM

Tanya:

how would u know wats true love??

kk

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11:42 PM

Mental Patient:

got it?

even if it does happen...

how would u know wats true love??

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11:42 PM

Tanya:

k

thats the question

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11:43 PM

Mental Patient:

right now when I said "I wish you would feel the same thing, but I dont know how to instruct you (at least not yet)"

I was about to say "I can only encourage you to do this:::"

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11:44 PM

Tanya:

do wat??

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11:44 PM

Mental Patient:

(and this is how you begin to Love)

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11:44 PM

Tanya:

lol u dork lol

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11:45 PM

Mental Patient:

yesterday i concluded that, it is the essential question that encourages Life

but i used other words

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11:47 PM

Mental Patient:

instead of "love" i said "good" and I asked, if someone was earnestly searching for God cant they be deceived?

God = Good

= Love

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11:48 PM

Mental Patient:

even christians are being deceived within their own religion, but the only reason why one is decieced is because they are NOT earnestly looking to be good... not anymore

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11:48 PM

Tanya:

hmm u r puttin religion in the whole concept of love n good why is that??

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11:50 PM

Mental Patient:

Im showing that the God, and the searching for Truth, does not depend on religion...

is there a problem?

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11:50 PM

Tanya:

ok

honestly it isnt i mean everythin pretty much comes between religion n politics

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11:52 PM

Mental Patient:

anyways back to the topic... (I doubt politics even takes care of this aspect since the majority of the human population do not even know that such thing exist... at least in the U.S. culture)

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11:53 PM

Mental Patient:

anyways... so if one decides that he wants to be good, whole-heartedly..

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11:54 PM

Tanya:

true on that

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11:56 PM

Mental Patient:

but more often the person gets distracted on their desire to be good, towards more mundane desires to "be liked" "be self satisfied" "appear to be good" "give himself peace of conscience by doing the things that others have declared good; in this way he is not good in the sense that he is doing good, but in the sense that he is just following the judgement of what others think its good"

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11:57 PM

Tanya:

hey i have to go cuz my sis is gonna use the computer to tlk to her man aiight

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11:57 PM

Mental Patient:

Im not done yet... hold on

anyways

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11:58 PM

Tanya:

kk

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11:58 PM

Mental Patient:

so I end up concluding that for one to be genuinely interested in doing good he must wonder infinitely on what it means to be good

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11:59 PM

Mental Patient:

and the never coming to a conclusion... How will we know what "love/good" is?... is what keeps us trying to accept everything that life gives us

so I encourage you to do this...

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1/23/2010

12:02 AM

Mental Patient:

look for what "Love" is, what it means to be "Good", look for the infinite Meaning, do not reject anything, but accept Life as itself as a whole, to not flee from what you fear, but conquer it; do not try to change what angers you, but seek the peace it creates; do not curse what saddens you, but look for the joy hidden inside of it.. this is my encouragement to you, with prayer.. kiss my ass, and good night!

So I am listening to “southern cross” by 403 Forbiddena, with higher pitch so that it sounds like a girl voice, I imagine what I would think of a girl singing like this, moving to it like I am moving to it now, expressing the things that it makes me feel, with her face and with her body; how perfect would she be, if she did this in such a way, unafraid of those that would reject her expression, of those would disregard her as an outcast, but being true to herself for the sake of those who have a passion for Truth, for me, and if not for me, but for those unknown, for the Unknown Himself, for no one else, but for God.  Such a precious offering it would be to offer herself wholly to no one else but Him, like this.  Unconcerned about being decent in the eyes of man, but only being true to Truth.  Oh how I love her, how I wish such person existed.

Now, I put myself in her place, she moves by what I decide in my mind, she reflects the passion of my soul, this is what I am called to be.  I take her place in this stage, I express these things I sing, and the little traces of fear residue that I have left, I use to let out an expression of indeed neurosis.  In my face, you see how I am terrified of my everyday life, terrified of those forces that dwell welted within our minds, projecting themselves into a mingle with the image of those we see;  Yet I move on to speak my truth, like if a spirit was driving me out of my will, taking me to places unknown, making me do things I have never done before, these new glories I love; though there remains insecurities inside, my love breaks through them; like a girl too desperate for sex to wait until she gets out of public, she allows herself to be taken, still concerned, but her desire rapes her fear.  Besides the intense passion for the Truths of Life that the Spirit forces down my throat, you see something left inside me, a fear that I want to keep secret, a fear that I want to hide because of the greater Joy that overcomes it in value and therefore my desire for it, in my face you see the expression of utter terror mixed with utter amazement, tears of maniacal Joy... The fear, I must hide because of the greater Joy that overcomes it; I would rather spend an eternity with this fear, than a minute without the Truths of the Spirit.  Dance with me...

to overcome the fear of fear, one must have the faith

that it does not exist.  Because of this, it cannot be overcome

with the laws of logic.