June 29, 2009

I dont know what to think, every thing I am concluding leads to Buddhism.  In my 18 or something birthday my mom told me that I was the one that she offered to God while she was pregnant.  I have always, since I was 3 if I remember correctly, have considered myself a son of Existence,of God, and always to be in line with Truth.  Now I am concluding that there may not be such thing as Existence... is it the Truth that there is no God?  I feel that all of this has come to me in “such a young age” because of my blessed mom’s offering... but who was she offering me to? When I had my first elaboration on Buddhism, I refuted, as a believer of God, that what could have happened to Buddha and his vision of Emptiness, is that God did not allow him to see His Eternal majesty, (Buddha was fat btw, and this is significant information to note).  What Buddha saw in his vision was God’s doors that were locked letting not in those that He chose to not let in.  I realize that I must have been ignorant to offer such an explanation but there it was.  And now I am coming accross that myself, if there is anything behind this empty veil it is the Most High and His Great lock.  I believe my mom, being a christian and not believing anything else or having any doubts about God, would have offered me to the God of Moses and Abraham (and maybe Jesus Christ), if all of this is happening because of my mom’s offering and I am coming accross Buddha’s highest vision of emptiness, then the only thing left behind this lock is really the Most High.  I have faith, by my mother’s prayer, that God will let me in.

Then I thought, maybe a sign will suffice, but it has to be a sure sign that cannot be refuted by any explanation, a legitamate sign.  But what kind of sign would complete this criteria?  It can not be just any physical sign, or emotional, maybe not anything that would have to do with life.  Would God be able to work a sign for me that is out of life? Of course He can.  But what kind of sign would it be? The only thing I can think of would be that He would let me be Truth itself, maybe just for a second, to let me be God Himself, so that I would truly Know what it is like to Know, and that while I am Knowing, I Know that Truth is Real.  But then again, this would fit in as only an experience, and I probably wont know what it means.

June 24, 2009

I dont knwo whats going on with my body, for the last few days I have noticed, that I dont own the same passion and emotion, I dont enjoy things the way I used to. 

Have I lost my soul?  I find myself doing things I like and I can tell my body enjoys them, but I dont.

Is this how to tell that I have ascended? After much battling and playing with the wills of my body do I turn into a souless being? Like a vampire, that just lives and follows whatever he may but deep inside, he wants nothing in his heart? Is this what becomes of those who search for the outside of infinity, something without a being, without a body to represent it, without an art, without a soul, without a color.

I dont know what I want, and when I do want, I know it doesnt mean a thing, and when my body wants, I dont necessarily want with it.  I dont know who or what I am anymore, am I man?

Am I losing passion? Am I going to die? Am I depressed? Or am I  just growing up? Have I lost my holy spirit?

Maybe I feel like this because I am not finding anything new.  Maybe I need something new to drive me, to motivate, maaybe I am just tired of looking looking and not finding, or finding finding but missing out on the manifestations of these things I find.  Maybe I am ready for another world, maybe I am ready to move on...  maybe I am separating from my body, maybe Im leaving it behind, but where am I going, and who will take it over?

I dont like what I used to, I dont care for things, I just dont, I dont get excited, I am just living by the example that my old self left, but who am I?  My body just wants to be warm and comfortable, but who am I? Is my spirit dead, have I not a soul? But who am I?

(written on July 10, 2009 about the past) Oscar Figueroa said that he had this same feeling once, and he learned, by introspection that it was because he was denying something.  So I thought about what I could be denying and the next day it was half gone.  But I still wondered, why would denying something cause such a feeling?  In my case, “denying something” can more generally be explained as, I wasnot acting according to my beliefs, so I was denying beliefs, or denying what I was doing.  But I still wondered, why does it feel like that?  I thought about it and concluded that it was because I was concerned, and since I was concerned about something else, I was unconcerned about whatever I was doing at the time, I was not very focussed on it.  Everything I did all day was not something that I was concerned about, so I did not feel like it was in me to do it, I did not feel like I was doing it.  I guess.

around June 12, 2009

As I sit to think, I am attacked for me to make a decision,

What is it that I want to be?

And I dont have an answer. So all there is, is the frustration of this undecisiveness.

And as I am bound to hold an identity, while I dont know what to choose, I am my frustration, my identity is my confusion.

I just really want to find my true self without help and without influence of anything else, my life seems blank and colorless, but I dont want to listen to any music because I dont want to contaminate my personal creative essence.

(Around this time I recorded something on my MP3.. this is what I said: )

Here is my problem, with these people, I have a way of doing things.. if I sense that a certain person is going to reject me, I just back away,  even if they think they like me because I pretend to be someone else around them.. if you really knew who I was, you wouldnt be treating me like this, so please stop treating me nice, because it makes me think of how ignoratn youare.. there is my way, then there is a gay way... crafty as a snake, they make people fond of them, for some reason they care to be accepted... and so they trick them...  but those who accept have not really learned anything, they havent really opeened their mind, they are still closed... this is why, this is my problem... they think they are acccepting the outcasts, but they are only accepting those who have kissed ass, for them to understand them... everybody else... they are still as closed as ever.

And so this is why I like to do what I do, what I prefer, I want to make people feel uncomfortable, I want to makee them feel ashamed, that they are afraid, cowards, prejudice, ashamed that they are not taking a chance, that they have no faith, that trhye are not speaking up for themselves, or standing up for themselves. HWO the fuck reports me, for something like what I did, only white people would mind that... its such a big deal to report it, “they seemed concerned about you” concerned they were only concerned about themselves... I want to make them feel prejudice, to give them an incentivve to change.. not to beeat themselves up, but to give them an incentive to open my mind.

Open Mind -Carefree

File Location:  My Words/Completion (What we know)\Achieving Awareness\Methodology\Explore\Open Mind/Open Mind-Carefree

Anger happens because situations in the real world are not matching with what you had in mind, or with what you had planned.  You were wrong.

So, Consider the possibilities, keep and hold an open mind with all and every kind of possibility, even if the possibility seems unprobable or just silly.  Deliberate a plan just in case these things would happen; do this before hand.

For example, me writinng these things down:

Do you know what I had to go through?  I took a risk, I had trouble bringing myself to do this because I was not sure how it was all going to turn out.  I mean, these are great ideas, pretty useful so I say, but what if I die, or everything is destroyed and I have to start all over again or it turns out that, I had been wasting my time.  These are possibilities that one must consider, but if people actually ask themselves this and dwell on it they may end up like Joe here: “gah we are all gonna die anyways, so dont even try”

I took a risk, I took this risk.  I took the time to figure this out and how to organize everything even though the possibility existed that it could all be destroyed, gone, without a trace.

I considered, do I really want to gamble this?

Every decision you make is a gamble if you havent noticed, so when you something bad happens dont be surprised... in a world like this, you are always wrong.

-SO how do you deal with this?

Rule: YOU MUST NOT LIE TO YOURSELF!!!

Every time you wake up, consider these:  (insert imagination here)

that you may die today, that you may kill today, you may hate today

and you must not lie to yourself,

because when you lie to yourself about Life, then Life proves you wrong, you end up wondering how things are possible in Life... well WAKE UP, here is a Reality check for you, IT IS POSSIBLE! Obviously!

Admit it, it is possible... dont lie to yourself... (sink in)

-so you say, I cant do that, if I dont lie to myself I wont even be able to get out of bed.  I mean seriously if you try to consider all possibilities in Life you’ll be paralyzed.

And thats the point, that if you take Life for what it is (if you take Truth for Truth)... would you still want to live? Or are you afraid of what Life may do to you?  If the answer is “no I dont want to live”, then you dont belong here, at least not on Earth in this world of sin and tragedy.  But if you rise up with courage, to confront life face-to-Face, and tell it, “I know not, I give up, but I am willing to stand or lie through whatever you may put me through, because I love Life and I want to see, do with me what you will” if you are willing to go through anything Life puts you through, then you deserve to Live.  Read “Life.Death” to get an idea what Life is all about.

“Morality” Romans 12:14

Open Mind-Accept Opinions

File Location:  My Words/Completion (What we know)\Achieving Awareness\Methodology\Explore\Open Mind/Open Mind-Accept Opinions

(My point of view on being judgemental::: *if you dont like it, it is because you dont understand it)

By asking why and how towards the opinions of others, we come to realize that people are not just annoying and stupid.  We can come to realize that what other people believe, no matter how outrageous the belief, there is a way to understand it.

These people believe what they believe for a reason, why do they believe these things, why would they have such “stupid” beliefs.

As a person with an open mind, I would encourage one to find out on their own.  Go to their world and see what it is like, see if there is anything you can do about it, maybe you can fix it, or at least find the problem in/with their system; or maybe, the problem is within yourself... whatever the case, figuring it out can only help.

They believe what they believe and do what they do for a reason... what is this reason?

Why one would not do this?--- What about Truth? What about God? Shouldn’t we be stubborn with Truth? Should not we close our minds to lies?

Truth is Truth, Truth will be Truth no matter what we think, Truth does not need us to believe in it, if Truth is God and God is Powerful, then we can be sure that the Truth that we search for will guide us towards Truth. May Truth be with us, may Truth guide us, but we must pray to Truth if we really want to know the Truth.

Accept Opinions-Search for Truth.God vs Truth

File Location:  My Words/Completion (What we know)\Achieving Awareness\Methodology\Explore\Open Mind/Accept Opinions - Search for Truth. God vs Truth

What about Truth? What about God? Shouldn’t we be stubborn with Truth? Should not we close our minds to lies?

Truth is Truth, Truth will be Truth no matter what we think, Truth does not need us to believe in it, if Truth is God and God is Powerful, then we can be sure that the Truth that we search for will guide us towards Truth. May Truth be with us, may Truth guide us, but we must pray to Truth if we really want to know the Truth.

And once again, one should not be afraid when God himself says Malachi 3:10 “put me to the test”... If God is really True than there should be no problem with what you are doing if what you are doing is looking for Truth, and making sure that what you believe, is really the Truth; If God is Truth, God would want you to do this, to make sure that you are not fooled by anyone else, if God is Truth, God would want you to test His legitimacy, because in while you look for Truth, He is the only thing you will ever find.