January 9, 2011

Fun stuff to do:

           

            See how many strangers you can get to block you by sending them a “how are you?” message.

            See how many girls you can get suspicious by giving them a compliment.

            See how many girls you can get to reject you by acting nervous and insecure.

            See how many people you can get to not look in your direction by acting retarded in the middle of the street.           

            See how many guys will wear pink shirts just because a cool guy does it.

            Calculate how much news a person watches by measuring the amount of fear they have towards going out at night.

            Be honest when you apply to jobs, and see how many people will hire you.

            See how many people will jump off a cliff just because everyone else is doing it.

             (Minds are weaker than you think).

My mind (boiling/racing)… stop, stop running.

My mind stops running… this feels familiar, peaceful; I don’t even know why all those phrases made me so angry…  The pain of this life is nothing but a dream.  The tricky part is in understanding that you are dreaming, while you are still dreaming; waking up, while you are still asleep.

January 6, 2011

                Wanting something to pass by; something transient in time is eternal in essence. 

                The what if question of: what if this situation was my whole life?  What if I felt this pain forever?  What if the length of my life was measured by this situation?  What if there was no way out?  Would not this end up being an eternal tragedy?  Wouldn’t this be unfair, even by God?  Satan’s mark left forever?

                I now proclaim that Satan’s mark was the ever-present sign I was looking for.  What makes it a sign of darkness is my failure to recognize it.  And so, these “what if” questions are very useful to the purpose.  My conclusion is an answer to Satan’s mark (that’s how I know to have a little more faith in the conclusion):

                  To seek to feel the present state (question), not to avoid it (by scratching the itch).  Only until I experience it fully will I feel comfortable with letting it go.  In Whitman, I decided not to seek help or to justify my behavior to anyone.  Among many others, one of the reasons why I did this was because I was curious about the question/itch.  I saw a dubious value in my situation, and because of this uncertainty of value, I did not keep myself from hating the situation and getting pist at what it put me through (with my permission) (though I was willing).  I allowed myself to be consumed by negative fantasies.

           

            The point of all this:

            The reason I have a little more faith in this conclusion is because it is an answer to the questions I used to have.

            Question: the crisis of Satan’s mark… the problem of evil.

            Answer: it is to be experienced fully!  The evil comes from our lack of love.  If we loved it, it wouldn’t be evil.

January 5, 2011

                Pain is unnecessary: this is the fact that moves me forward, because I know that once I figure this out, everything will be pleasurable.  It is actually a simple mental exercise, but my mind does not allow me to do it because I have not justified it.  The reason I hesitate is because I consider if this is not meant to be pleasurable.  If I would be missing out on truth when I love and feel all as pleasurable, then I would rather not.

January 3, 2011

                I wanted the t.v. on but I didn’t want to be tempted to watch it, so I changed it to a basketball game…

               

                I must let go of this habit, this need to write things down. 

                The dream (of heaven) is here; and I am speaking literal language.  The dreams I have had were about the waking world.  In the common world, things are dead to me; things are gone.

                ----This must be just another sensation----

God help me, (“I am helping you”).

The fastest way to get there is to you are already there.

Anti-psychopathy: feeling your body’s independence from your soul.

(realizing that your ideas do not constitute the universe).

What is it with sacrifice and prayer?

Sacrifice – giving up desire = acceptance of the present = accept more possibilities (including what seems like compromises and degrees of accomplishment).

                Prayer – seeing possibilities.

A sacrifice that hurts is like a gift that you give but you never let go of, your hand are still attached to it and you wish to have them back.

its called "sacrifice" because
you "die to yourself" in the process,
if you are still in pain that is a good sign you haven't died

                Not sure about the prayer, because it works like faith without removing the blindfold, stubbornly holding on to desire?

It just means not enough God… and what is enough God?

My head feels like its about to float, maybe it’s just my headache changing…

What I am doing, is quieting my mind and feeling my body’s chemical sensations,

I think this separates my emotions from my soul.

                I am standing, fidgeting around: I notice how the shapes around me morph as I move into different angles.  Wow! I normally wouldn’t this while fidgeting.

                                                                             

Ideal characteristics are: attentive, detached from desire.

It’s not about the action or what you feel (whether it’s fear or anger that inhibits you, or even happiness), what matters is the attachment you have to the goal.

                Imagination is used to counteract the chemical sensations.  It is rejecting the present and preferring (being attached to) memories and fantasies.

                What about eternal interpretations/universe impressions? I thought these were meaning to life.

                What about loving the present; does this not involve reacting to chemical sensations?

                What about ideal attention and comprehensive sensation?

               

                Interpretations are subtle preferences that I cannot get rid of; though I get rid of the voices and images, I cannot get rid of the interpretations of these shapes.

                A sparrow just hit my window.  It lies on the ground, legs up.  What does it mean?  It must be a sign, a negative one?  Is it a demonic force sent to distract me?  Whatever it is, positive or negative…  It must mean I am getting somewhere, and that’s ultimately good, right?

            A similar thing happened this past Wednesday, something flew by a friend’s skirt; there was no one in the direction it came from, and I didn’t find the object afterwards.  I know it wasn’t my imagination because a friend noticed it too.

            Things like these and the number “42” that kept coming up last semester, should I keep track of these, should I try and figure out what they mean?  I wish I knew, but I don’t even know how to begin or how to figure them out.  Until then, these “signs” will be as relevant as the bleach patterns on my dark blue underwear.  Huh, what mysteries are hidden?

           

Now the sparrow’s gone.  Did it get up or did the puppies eat it?

(All of these thoughts, I had in my mind; without words, only impressions.  The voices in my head were silent, but these impressions were still there.)

               

                These little flashes, instances that I realize (or at least re-interpret) what I am doing; these are what must be kept constant.  But what are they?

                This universe, this interpretation of how things work, these limits I have, it means I am still holding on to something.  How do I let go?  I think I am still holding on to it because I am still seeking liberation from it.

                I relax my mind: “seek not”, I think I still seek… automatically.  “Don’t seek, be satisfied”.

As I try to be satisfied I find myself attempting to enjoy what I have, to find peace in my interpretation, pleasure in my pain.

                Things that I feel this is lacking:

-Totality and God-fluidity (things as they are).

-Motivation towards presentness.

The greater that makes everything else small.

                When one is exposed to something they avoid, they experience pain.  They spend their time trying to avoid the certain symbol, and the pain.  In order to not avoid , you must accept not only the object, but the pain as well.  If you wish to be at peace.

                What makes things accepted?  You pay attention to them, you listen; and you don’t do it in order to get rid of them, and you don’t try to get rid of them.

                God help me…

 (“No, not ‘God help me’; ‘God is with me’”)

Me: I sit in the dark, I don’t want to feel like this, why do I feel trapped?  Why don’t I feel free?

I: “you don’t feel free because you don’t want this, you want to avoid this, you are not listening.”

Me: I am listening, I am listening… am I listening?

I: you only hear the words, but the interpretation you perceive comes from your own head.  Why else would you be blind to the rest of where you are?!

Me: I am listening, I am tuning in and feeling you; or as much as I can… why am I not feeling anything else besides what I feel?

I have an itch on my nose, I leave it. It feels heavy for a while; you know?  It feels a lot like there is an electric current running through that point on my nose.  Why do I feel like taking it off, it’s not even pain.  I feel like it is adistortion on my face; something that is not normally there.It forces me to be aware of it, it uses up my awareness (why is my awareness limited?); and this takes mental effort.

It is like I have to be aware, to be aware of these many things. 

Me: It is pointless because these things do not have any value; they do not change, and they do not tell you anything about the world. 

I: Do they?

Me: Yes they do, an itch tells me I need to scratch.

I: No, the scratch is how you manage to ignore the itch.  So don’t scratch, just stay and listen.

(In this same manner, a question does not beg to be answered, a problem does not beg to be solved; the answer only provides us with a reason to ignore the question, and a solution only allows our minds to ignore the problem.  Questions are not meant to be answered and problems are not meant to be solved, they are meant to be accepted.)

And the itch will not leave you peace until you stop trying to avoid it.  How do you stop trying to avoid it?  Well, the answer to the question does not matter because if you really did not care to avoid it, you would not feel the need to ask the question; and once you stop trying to avoid it, you won’t even feel the need to stop trying to avoid it in order to avoid it.

January 2, 2011

For the last few days I have been writing about things that reflect no progress, but rather poetic inspirations; and although it is fun to take time to justify myself and make sense of my behavior through the sharing of these inspirations, it is no more productive than playing video games and as worthless as reading books of fiction (… entertainment). 

Anything that I write is nothing more than like an arrangement of forces:  if it works to negate the forces in one’s life so that they could find balance, it only means we had a perspective that was similarly screwed up.  But just because I agree with you, does not mean we are right, and just because you like what I say, does not mean that I am right.

A mundane arrangement is created to counteract the mundane arrangements in one’s life.  Once balance is achieved, people tend to worship the arrangement they believed to have caused the balance (instead of worshipping the balance itself).  After a while, they continue to emphasize the arrangement so much that they not only lose balance, but are not aware of what they have lost because they still have their sacred schema in their grasp.  Their symbol of holiness has let them die, while they still think they are alive.

                If you want balance without the arrangements causing residue force, if you want to worship the balance and not the schema; then stop listening to what I say, stop reading books and ideas of man, and begin to read: Nature, Existence, The Is, God.  Stop looking for answers and see what is in front of you.  Stop being controlled by the voices in your head and listen to the silence of Complete Reality.

                Yesterday I wrote about being empathetic to matter and not only this, but being empathetic to all of Reality.The Ultimate source of inspiration is existence itself.  Every composer, poet and artist of any type has looked towards it for their productions.  If there were rights to intellectual property beyond the human realm, all credit would go to God.  What I mean to say is this: Libraries and, so-called, “sources of knowledge” are only copies and photocopies of what has already been said in Nature (If you listen to the Infinite, you will see all knowledge and wonders that have been exteriorized and will transpire throughout time, beyond time, and even outside of our dimensions).

                Books are useless, read your mind.  I know this statement will be misleading in so many different senses; but I can never explain enough anyways (“if every leaf was a quill, if all the seas were ink, if the skies were a parchment, and if every man was a writer, it would never be enough to write the Love of God”-Frederick M. Lehman’s hymn “The love of God is greater far.”); thus the desperate amount of libraries, paper and silicon used up to contain information.  None can explain it better than Itself; so go figure it out from God Himself.