Tuesday, June 1, 2010

June 1, 2010

Thinking of how the sonngs in my mp3 are chosen randomly, I remember Tom Davis saying that there is nothing random; a statement that resembles what I wrote a couple of days ago about how if subject (a) misunderstands a person or an artist, subject (a) does not know the person or the artist, as they do not know what they really meant, but subject (a) knows a make believe person in place of the “true artist”.  We see and imagine a person that would have said whatever we understood, whether the person we know exists in the external world or not (whatever that means)  this person that we know exist eternally in the wonders of our mind, and in existence itself. 
Thinking about this, how there is no such thing as random; as something completely and truly random would be something without a potential artist, without a creator, without a spirit which expressed it, without a meaning.  But the fact that something exists, no matter how “random” it may seem, inevitably says that it has an arrangement, a spirit that correlates in it, it has life, it has meaning, its own grounds in which it should be understood.  As Thoreau says “there is nothing inorganic”, or in this sense, there is nothing random, there is nothing without Spirit, without Life.  Everything is part of Reality; Everything indeed does and breeds Existence.  And in a more practical sense:  Everything is Beauutiful, and there is nothing that is unworthy of being acknowledged, because everything is Truth... The meaning of Life is to Live, or to acknowledge the Truth (it doesnt matter how many times I say this, each time I understand that I have not quite understood it).  But though I may not know what it means, I know for sure that I speak the Truth.
With this on my mind I am able to listen and appreciate each chord in the song, and feel its meaning (at least a little more than I was doing before).

As long as God exists, mankind will never do anything that has never been done before,  God is the Eternal Creator of all Origins, Amen.

A simple rule, enjoy what you have, your fantasies and sensations, your desires, pay attention to thhem and savor them.  But you must step out and look at it from the outside to see that its an object you can grab.  And think of all that exists in this way, that it something that I must look at and enjoy, I make the effort to look at it from “the outside”, it feels as if I am stepping out and looking at where I was, and it looks more clear when you see that your red colored glasses are red colored glasses, another wonder a device of existence.  I am feeling things that have been there forever, but i never knew they were there, like the roses that i never stopped to actually look at, there is so much that i am running through, even my running throughness, without living it.

Monday, May 31, 2010

May 31, 2010

As I danced for Spirit’s sake,

This is what went through my mind:

Thinking of all the things I could do with my body, feeling the freedom under the binding; and only a piece of eternity in the moment.  My imagination goes even wilder thinking og all the things I can be willing to imagine.  I realize that anything we imagine, anything we dream, is already True.  The reason we have access to dreams is because they are inside of us, and we are part of them.

This is what I thought:

Why “pay attention”: essentially follows from a problem; whatever the problem is, one “naturally” pays attention for a solution.  (though I said this, I really dont think this is a legitimate justification).

This is what I felt:

When you make yourself satisfied you mean what you do and you know you are doing it, it feels the same as “paying attention” to it.  Blindness and deafness comes from denying Truth, from ignoring and being in denial of the Truth from not meaning what you do.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

May 30, 2010

Ive said this before: that I have had the thought that all that mankind wants to do is to prove or see the accomplishment of Truth; this means Life, and is also Meaning.  There are times in which their ignorance is exposed to them, and when ignorance is exposed what they see is Truthlessness; and when this happens, people can either, find ways to ignore the ignorance, or find a way to see through their ignorance.  With “paying attention” you see more, and with it comes meaning and satisfaction.  Desires come only from wanting to accomplish a fantasy, to straighten some beliefs. When one “pays attention” one doesnt just hide the puzzle pieces under the rug and pretend the puzzle is complete, but one searches out the missing pieces, along as they figure out where they go.  And so all I need to do is listen to the Truth that my self is trying to admit, all anyone needs to do to feel free is to know that they have admitted the Truth.

Sometimes it seem as if I have two goals: that of peace of mind, and that of continuous inspiration; although my theory tells me that these to goals are actually one, but my experience right now doesnt seem so, it seems I am being pulled apart, seeking for inspiration, and settling into satisfaction; but I bet this dichotomy is only another illusion produced by fear; that desire/fear which urges me forward is the same desire/fear that holds me back. It seems that I should not be passive with this goal I have, but of course, I should not be desperate either.

I think I know why there is a feeling of disconnection when I “pay attention”, I think it means I am letting go of necessity; or the feeling that an external symbol means “something” and so something inevitable must happen.   This must is what makes one feel bound to a moment, a “must” feeling, a feeling of being deprived of freedom.  Im not sure if this is right; or at least, how and why “paying attention” produces a feeling of disconnnection.

Have no laws... we are so used to working with laws in our lives, we dont even know when we are doing it.  But me telling you to have no laws, is like me commanding you to be free.  We should not even have this suggestion as a law, because even if we only make this one law “to have no laws”, we would be watching out, and staying away from things that look like laws; (I have written before, that, a person only fears one thing, and everything that they happen to connect with the thing they fear, and therefore...) If we make the law to “have no laws”, what will inevitably follow is making laws against anything that reminds us of laws; and before you know it, we will be living our lives under the slavery of laws, just what we were trying to avoid.  Its the same concept of “protecting one’s freedom” or “securing one’s freedom”.  Our society has gone so far down the path to “secure our freedom” when there is no such preposturous shit.  Freedom is not meant to be secured, it is meant to be free.

Friday, May 28, 2010

May 28, 2010

I am tired of this, I am tired of trying to fix a problem that I dont know what it is, or how to fix it.  Its like a puzzle, Im tired of trying to solve it.  My mind keeps coming up with examples of how I am wrong, and I keep having different emotions, but they never stick, they are all worthless, fleeting, until the next perspective comes, I dont know what any of this means, I just dont know.  I dont even know what I am looking for anymore.
I think I have to be okay with this feeling that I consider to be failure.  Its what stops me from doing things, because I want to avoid it.  This is why I am so confused about everything, because I want something and then I want something and then I want something because I am so sensitive to this little feeling, and I realize that no matter what I do, this feeling is still there.  But I dont know what this feeling is, I dont understand it.  And therefore I dont know how to, or even if to deal with it.  Sometimes I think its from outside things, and I hate it so I try to change it; sometimes I think its from my body, and I hate it so I try to change it; sometimes I think its from my thoughts or my state of mind; and I hate it so I try to change it.  And all of these are not necessarily false, but they are not necessarily true, and if I try to change them...

My thoughts about things keep changing, one moment I love the puppy because for some reason, and the next moment I hate the puppy for some reason, a reason that I saw but never acknowledged before.  And so when I sit to “meditate” to make laws part of me, I hesitate; because I know that my idea of what is right, and what is desireable, and what is righteous will change, so I “pay attention” instead?  Maybe its about being able to justify whatever happens in any way; and there I go again.
This must be the reason why that when I am single I wish I wasnt, but when I am not I wish I was; because the feeling of emptiness has nothing to do with being single.  I always wondered what it would be like to be addicted to a drug that you didnt know what it was, well now I guess I know, you think its because of this or that, you want different things, looking for something to satisfy you but nothing ever does.  I guess if you honestly believe that something will satisfy you, it will theoretically, but the feeling of emptiness will still be there.  I dont even know what I am looking for...

The sounds, I wonder if they are supposed to be synchronized with the music; but the thing about love, is that it makes everything sound like music, even the heartbeat beating at the back of my head.

So if my problem is that I dont like things, I need two things (that I can think of): I need to know how to like things, and then I need to know how to remember to like things.  But this means that I dont like to be without these two things I think I need.  And thats how I manage to make myself feel incomplete.

Ok I think I got something (what do  you think I do all day?).  So the point is to see that everything is perfect, and I usually ask, but how do I see how things are perfect?  Well, sometimes you do, in ways that I have described, and if you dont, well thats perfect.  Its not about seeing how things ae perfect, its about just admitting that they are, whatever it is you see, whether you can see it or not; whatever it is, its perfect.  When you admit that things are perfect you are admitting reality, you are laying down the truth, and if you dont; its perfect, and you cant deny it.  Its all real folks, its all God’s will.  This is what you have been fighting against.

I tend to keep looking for excuses that show how things are not perfect, and if I am only fooling myself, the fooling is only showing that something is wrong.  But whatever I see is perfect and my folly is perfect, and whether I see it or not, that is also perfect.

I was basing perfection on others, and so I didnt think things were perfect unless I saw other people as perfect, I was not going to be satisfied until I felt good with other people, but thats not the point.  You must not seek perfection for the sake of YOUR idea of peace.  True peace and perfection is not mundanely understood, it cannot be explained with human language.

When you think things are perfect, you dont try to deny them, this Love brings Truth.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

May 27, 2010

Some laws that I think I must remember:
Its not about what you do, is about what you perceive.
With the Grace and for the Glory of God.
Every act is as any other.
Love this part of Reality, its face must be felt.
Listen, there are things you will never know, accept these and the more tragedies.

Whenever you feellike you MUST do something, this is the culprit, even if it tells you that you MUST enlighten, God does not force you to be good.  But this feeling, is not something that you MUST get rid of, just accept it.