March 30, 2011

Prayer: “I am sorry God, for not spending too much time with you these days.  My excuse is that, in trying to search for the correct way to pray, I begin to believe that if I do not know how to do it correctly, then I cannot do it at all.  I spend my time trying to figure out how to pray instead of praying.”

Something happened last night, a trivial occurrence, a minor interruption that my mind amplified to the point that it seemed as if nothing was possible.  I raged, while at the same time, I let my thoughts fork away from the occurrence and tried to reason what I would do with the steps I had figured out for myself.  I analyzed my situation; the situation was not too relevant; it was my thoughts, my beliefs and desires that augmented the severity of this little event.  A whole future of misery was ahead of me, as far as the standards and verdicts I held for and against myself.  It all weighed down on me.  I thought about the Bhagavad-Gita’s description of dark inertia, it was overwhelming me.  After about 20 minutes of doing nothing but standing in one spot staring into the blank towards the floor, I fell on my knees and hands and raged as hard as I could.  Sweat dripped down my nose.  As I did this, my mind kept analyzing and tried to reason, coming up with method after method to not let this happen again, to deal with this turbulence if it were to happen again. But no method is ever good enough.  My mind kept doing this, separate from my hopelessness, and asked: What is it that I was really after?  What is it that I should give up?  What is it that I should accept?  Is there really anything that I should do?  What is it that I was really after?  What was my sin?

My sin was that I sought something that I thought would be better, that I depended on this ideal to make me happy, or to end my search.  So I tried to stop seeking, but as I tried, I only succeeded in seeking to stop.  Was I supposed to remain like this, in this state of dissatisfaction?  If I ignored it, it would not mean that I stopped seeking, it only meant that I wasn’t aware of it, and my dissatisfaction was proof, my unhappiness was proof?  Am I suppose to seek happiness?  But if I seek happiness it would mean that I am not satisfied… I am not suppose to seek, what am I suppose to do?! (Well, for one, you need to stop asking this question, since asking it implies you are seeking an answer.) 

It’s ok to seek, but you don’t know that when you are seeking.  But it is not about seeking the truth, it is about accepting it.  After thinking this I sought to accept what I had, but what I had was not acceptance, and I was not willing to accept that, if I was, I wouldn’t be seeking to accept it.  So should I seek acceptance?  If not, then how would I ever come to accept things beyond my range of acceptance?  How am I suppose to discover the world and learn new things if I do not seek?  When you seek you reject your current situation, and if you find you will miss out on the pain you yearned to let go of.  When you accept not only do you accept your current situation, but you can also accept what you do not have. 

 

What is it that I am after, if it is not anything tangible.  Was it right to seek happiness?  No, but it is better to accept dissatisfaction, so that even when you are dissatisfied, you will be satisfied with yourself.  But how do I accept, then?  (again asking this question implied I was seeking, or rejecting my present situation.)  I seek… I seek to end my search (because if I did not want to end my search I would not be seeking)… but instead if ending my search, I seek…  This is where I don’t make sense.  What my seeking says is that I want to end seeking.  What my dissatisfaction says is that I want to be satisfied.  What my failure to accept says is that I want to accept.  But what should I accept?  If I truly accepted I would not only not seek, but I would be satisfied, and if I were to never seek then I would keep being satisfied.  There is something I should seek (if I may say it so); I should seek nothing, I should accept the present, but not my current situation of dissatisfaction ([if I may say it so] not from this level).  I should accept the present as perfect, I should seek the perfection of the present.  By seeking perfection I mean to see its perfection, not to mold it to my idea of it.  The more I accept, the more satisfied I should be, the less I would seek to find.

I guess that when you seek to find, you are forced to move by pain; but when you seek to seek, you are allowed to move by freedom.  This is the difference between seeking and seeking, they are both essentially the same in the sense that they lead to discovery, except one has an element of contradiction; that by seeking to find, you are essentially doing one thing because you want to do something else that you are not doing.

Be rigorous in being satisfied, to the point of perfection, to the point that you are happier all the time.  When you seek, seek so that you have to seek less and less every time; not more, by way of “realizing” you have ways to go.  Be rigorous in being free.

As I practice this today, I don’t give myself time to accuse myself when I do wrong, because there is no wrong.  I realize that whenever I am dissatisfied, whenever I feel incomplete, when I hate my situation, I am only dissatisfied with who I am at the moment.  As I try to accept this and my situation, I find myself renewing a certain perspective, a movement that I treat as a law, and that I interpret as “Love yourself, continually; even when you fall.”  Even when you wish you were not you, love this about yourself.  Continually, be in that space that loves without failing, that loves regardless of your situation, in synthesis with the merciful God above you, the one who created you as you were, and as you were to turn out to be.

March 17, 2011

                I’ve been feeling miserable all day…

                In trying to figure out the correct way to interpret life, I remember once again that whatever I interpret is just an interpretation with no value other than what it is.  I decide to not think, since my thoughts are worthless, and just listen.  While trying to not interpret, my desires of ascension wriggle back into my sight, making me feel miserable and incomplete again:  I hear, I see, I feel, but what am I missing? Is there not more? Shouldn’t I worry about seeing more reality?  Then I realize that these desires are interpretations, as worthless as opinions. Any goal I fantasize is a worthless interpretation… wow, I am addicted to fantasy.

                Even if my desire is to “save the world” from this illusion, me thinking that there is an illusion means that I am delusional, and not suited for the job.  If I really have this “job” to do, the best way to carry it out is to help myself out of it.  You can’t create peace by fighting for it, you be peaceful about it; fighting will not only take your peace, but it will also just strengthen war.

                I am addicted to fantasy.

                Because I keep dreaming of a better world, where I can have a clearer mind, and not be pulled down by desires but have an understanding beyond them.  This is my desire; this is the illusion I am after.  This perspective of imperfection is, yet again, another interpretation, just an opinion.

                I am addicted to fantasy.

How pathetic I am for not being the best I can.  Because there is more that I can do for the world, for myself, and for God… for my friends, for those I love and care about, for the strangers I can relate to.  Pushes and pulls, pushes and pulls is all it is.  Your mind coming up with stories, more and more dramatic and complicated each time, that may or may not be common between the dreamer and the one being dreamed of.  Nevertheless, they are worthless; and if you cannot justify your inaction by saying that other’s interpretations do not matter, because you can let it yourself live with dissatisfaction, but not others; learn this: that the fantasy you have of satisfying every question that your mind conjures that it is conjured by other else, is a worthless interpretation; and you can’t deny that.

But whether it is painful or pleasurable, they are always illusions: feel free to indulge in them, but never be driven by them.

…

I got up to go to the bathroom, I felt dizzy and fell softly.  It felt nice and I heard weird (possibly imaginary noises).  My foot itched; “should I scratched? Should I not?” my mind battled for a second. Then I realized, I do not have to listen to the battle, I could just watch without being part of it; I could be annoyed without fighting in it.  I could hear my pushes and pulls without listening to what they say.  I could listen to them without falling under them.  I could let my body obey the brain’s commands without me being controlled by it; I could let my mind be tormented by thoughts of hell without me worrying about it.  I feel freer, lighter, easier.  I can go all night without sleep, due to troubles on my mind, and not look for anything better, without seeking peace.  What I am is what there is, life is great (but this is just an interpretation).

Hear your thoughts, without listening to them; listen to your thoughts, without heeding them; heed your thoughts, without obedience; obey your thoughts, without necessity; follow what’s inevitable, without being enslaved by it; be a slave, but let it not be a penalty; be penalized, but not punished; be punished, but not hurt; get hurt, but heal promptly; undergo permanent damage, but do not die because of it; die, but be free.  And, most importantly: be free, but do not be enslaved by it.

The more heaven it sees, the more hell the unclean spirit will suffer.

February 22, 2011

Just another thought, seems to have no more value than all the other thoughts I’ve had.  But today I thought about the consistent and ever-present perfection I experience, whether I perceive it or not.

I have been feeling up and safer, something like, having faith in the unseen back-up, I don’t know if it’s actually the idea, or if it’s just how I feel today.  It’s like having faith in the fact that no matter how miserable I feel, or how shaken up my world may be; somewhere deep inside me, so deep that it pierces into a noble realm, I am actually (and will always be) in perfect peace.  There is a part of me that cannot be moved, that cannot be shaken, stirred or tormented.  There is a part of me that is as deep as the inexistent, thus it is inaccessible.  The inexistent from which everything (that is) sprouts from; if it was something existent where would it have sprouted from? it would yet have inexistence behind it.  This inexistent, it’s eternal and it’s part of us all; the origin, nothing can be real above this… if everything sprouts from it, it means this inexistent is the Father of our reality, this inexistent IS Reality.  The Reality is that nothing is more real than the inexistent, and that inexistence is Real; inexistence is the Real.  The bottom of the infinite regression: God does not exist, and/then,/but we exist even less.

After bible study, one of the thoughts that went through my mind, that may be of use later on was a dialogue with me explaining to myself about what it felt like to finally reach the end: I was listening to “Voyage of Gurdjieff” by Therion and was feeling “all the right things” (for lack of better expressive words these included something like, freedom, motivation, inspiration, a clear mind, strength of will, a greater spirit, and a dream of perfection… etc. [I’m definitely not wasting time on getting fancy with words now]) and as I held on to that feeling I told myself, “isn’t this what it must feel like when one reaches the end of the journey?”  then I answered myself with reflections that are justified elsewhere in my entries, “the infinite end of the journey, to finally reach God, it can have no particular flavor… (infinity should be comprehensive, and if Infinity has any particularity then it would be able to be distinguished from the rest.. if it is able to be distinguished then it is lacking those things from which it is distinguished from, just like a full glass is distinguished from a glass half full, it is because it lacks being half empty) and this that you feel right now ”

I felt a sense that what I must be looking for is to disregard my search, to leave the cycle of seeking… seeking is nothing but another flavor, what I am looking for is beyond the flavors. This feeling that I fantasize, that I seek, what I seek is not what I dream of; what I yearn is not to seek feelings.  “the feeling that you really seek, is the feeling of nothing.. but be careful of when you find it, because once you say ‘aha! I have found it’, then it only means it is not nothing.  If you can succeed to feel nothing, then it only means that this ‘nothing’ that you feel is actually something… and this is how deep the Glory of God is hidden from mankind”… “so maybe what I seek is not any feeling or mental state, or confidence, or perspective of the world or a greater spirit, or inspiration, but maybe to something that concerns none of this, something that looks at logical beliefs and emotions of mysery, something that looks at the light and the dark from a point above.  This would not be a belief nor any type of it, this would be pure faith; not faith in a belief, but just faith, on its own, not attached to anything but suspended in the middle of the Infinite expanse.”

In bible study I prayed that God would remove our beliefs, and our beliefs about him, and to allow the words He speaks to flow through us fresh and continuously, like how the running water in the river never gets stale, for this reason we must not hold on to beliefs.  As I was thinking about this, I thought about how this may sound controversial, and how it may not be accepted by those who have traditional beliefs.  If I am truly God sent, it was not because this message is better than the traditional one, but because it is just another aspect of God.  If I were to truly proclaim this, it would not be a message to replace the old law, but to strengthen that from which it came out of.  If I were to truly proclaim this, I would not proclaim so that it could be believed, but so that we could be freed from believing these (but one must not believe in this, that they should be freed from beliefs; therefore one should not believe in this, so that they should be free from beliefs; but one must also not believe in this, (so)/that they should be freed from beliefs…… [is this like pushing against the waves of the mind?]).

These thoughts are as valuable as all the other thoughts, I assume… since I have not yet reached the end of my journey, I don’t believe.  These thoughts are nothing but entertainment, fictional writing, justifying my beliefs and my behavior.  Do not listen to the words I speak, let the inexistent calm your bewildered mind, until you become one with it once again.

February 19, 2011

Subject: Whether or not you'll graduate...

Hi Jose (or should I call you "Jimmy"? faculty members are using both, but mostly "Jimmy"?).

As your major advisor, it appears from the mid-term deficiency report that you're on your way to failing Kant. And Mitch reports that there are serious problems with your seminar rewrite for your Portfolio.

The question becomes: Will you graduate?

Based on my experience with you, Jose, the issue is not whether you are smart but how you try to be smart. So, for example, with Kant, my guess is that you want to use whatever impresses you in Kant to be smart on your terms, rather than learning how smart the text is on its terms. If that's right, I have no idea how you're going to pass Kant. Julia will fail you if you fail to meet the requirements of the course. It's really that simple, Jose.

And I suspect there's a version of the same problem of how you try to be smart going on with your seminar paper rewrite. Learning philosophy is like learning a foreign language, only the way it is foreign is that it is a conceptual language, a situation made more complicated by the multiplicity of conceptual languages (early then late Wittgenstein, Hume then Kant, etc. etc.).

Are you going to do what's necessary to learn Wittgenstein's conceptual language well enough to not indulge in impressively-Jose-gibberish? Or are you going to accept the fact that you are not going to graduate?

Your choice, Jose.

Tom

February 2, 2011

Have you ever felt like you are alone, but you are still concerned about being watched? 

Last night I was walking the Maxey halls, as my mind kept trying to torment me with the idea the I was being watched by someone, I agreed I was being watched, but whatever it was, it wouldn’t have effect in the human realm. 

The reason I have faith that I am not being watched is not because others cannot or (better put) do not see me, indeed they do.  But under the laws of their minds, they have agreed that if things do not cross their senses in a certain degree, they have agreed to pretend it doesn’t exist regardless of the importance of the situation.  I guess because this ignorance is more important to keep than the event.

A clarification of what it means that I believe that girls do not like sex.  I was telling a friend, “even if she was doing me then and there, I still wouldn’t get the hint”.  It happens because I consider believing that girls like sex a sign of pervertedness and I refuse to let out my pervertedness.  Because I believe that it is rejected by others, and others who lie about their acceptance (which is what makes it so permanent).

The thing that amazed me about this is not the discovery I made, but the mystery of how it was lost in the first place.  I always just thought that I really believed that girls didn’t like sex.  This is an example of how I don’t know myself.  And even though I may think I have more right than anybody else to talk about myself, I only know myself with similar limitations that I have towards knowing others.  Just because I have access to my thoughts does not mean that I know what I am thinking.  Because though I can hear what goes on in my head, it does not necessarily mean I am listening.  I may be saying about myself things that I later find out are not true.  To myself I just wasn’t aware, to others I will mostly likely appear them as a liar or hypocrite (because I am expected to know what goes on in my head better than anyone else… I guess).