February 2, 2011

Have you ever felt like you are alone, but you are still concerned about being watched? 

Last night I was walking the Maxey halls, as my mind kept trying to torment me with the idea the I was being watched by someone, I agreed I was being watched, but whatever it was, it wouldn’t have effect in the human realm. 

The reason I have faith that I am not being watched is not because others cannot or (better put) do not see me, indeed they do.  But under the laws of their minds, they have agreed that if things do not cross their senses in a certain degree, they have agreed to pretend it doesn’t exist regardless of the importance of the situation.  I guess because this ignorance is more important to keep than the event.

A clarification of what it means that I believe that girls do not like sex.  I was telling a friend, “even if she was doing me then and there, I still wouldn’t get the hint”.  It happens because I consider believing that girls like sex a sign of pervertedness and I refuse to let out my pervertedness.  Because I believe that it is rejected by others, and others who lie about their acceptance (which is what makes it so permanent).

The thing that amazed me about this is not the discovery I made, but the mystery of how it was lost in the first place.  I always just thought that I really believed that girls didn’t like sex.  This is an example of how I don’t know myself.  And even though I may think I have more right than anybody else to talk about myself, I only know myself with similar limitations that I have towards knowing others.  Just because I have access to my thoughts does not mean that I know what I am thinking.  Because though I can hear what goes on in my head, it does not necessarily mean I am listening.  I may be saying about myself things that I later find out are not true.  To myself I just wasn’t aware, to others I will mostly likely appear them as a liar or hypocrite (because I am expected to know what goes on in my head better than anyone else… I guess).