Just another thought, seems to have no more value than all the other thoughts I’ve had. But today I thought about the consistent and ever-present perfection I experience, whether I perceive it or not.
I have been feeling up and safer, something like, having faith in the unseen back-up, I don’t know if it’s actually the idea, or if it’s just how I feel today. It’s like having faith in the fact that no matter how miserable I feel, or how shaken up my world may be; somewhere deep inside me, so deep that it pierces into a noble realm, I am actually (and will always be) in perfect peace. There is a part of me that cannot be moved, that cannot be shaken, stirred or tormented. There is a part of me that is as deep as the inexistent, thus it is inaccessible. The inexistent from which everything (that is) sprouts from; if it was something existent where would it have sprouted from? it would yet have inexistence behind it. This inexistent, it’s eternal and it’s part of us all; the origin, nothing can be real above this… if everything sprouts from it, it means this inexistent is the Father of our reality, this inexistent IS Reality. The Reality is that nothing is more real than the inexistent, and that inexistence is Real; inexistence is the Real. The bottom of the infinite regression: God does not exist, and/then,/but we exist even less.
After bible study, one of the thoughts that went through my mind, that may be of use later on was a dialogue with me explaining to myself about what it felt like to finally reach the end: I was listening to “Voyage of Gurdjieff” by Therion and was feeling “all the right things” (for lack of better expressive words these included something like, freedom, motivation, inspiration, a clear mind, strength of will, a greater spirit, and a dream of perfection… etc. [I’m definitely not wasting time on getting fancy with words now]) and as I held on to that feeling I told myself, “isn’t this what it must feel like when one reaches the end of the journey?” then I answered myself with reflections that are justified elsewhere in my entries, “the infinite end of the journey, to finally reach God, it can have no particular flavor… (infinity should be comprehensive, and if Infinity has any particularity then it would be able to be distinguished from the rest.. if it is able to be distinguished then it is lacking those things from which it is distinguished from, just like a full glass is distinguished from a glass half full, it is because it lacks being half empty) and this that you feel right now ”
I felt a sense that what I must be looking for is to disregard my search, to leave the cycle of seeking… seeking is nothing but another flavor, what I am looking for is beyond the flavors. This feeling that I fantasize, that I seek, what I seek is not what I dream of; what I yearn is not to seek feelings. “the feeling that you really seek, is the feeling of nothing.. but be careful of when you find it, because once you say ‘aha! I have found it’, then it only means it is not nothing. If you can succeed to feel nothing, then it only means that this ‘nothing’ that you feel is actually something… and this is how deep the Glory of God is hidden from mankind”… “so maybe what I seek is not any feeling or mental state, or confidence, or perspective of the world or a greater spirit, or inspiration, but maybe to something that concerns none of this, something that looks at logical beliefs and emotions of mysery, something that looks at the light and the dark from a point above. This would not be a belief nor any type of it, this would be pure faith; not faith in a belief, but just faith, on its own, not attached to anything but suspended in the middle of the Infinite expanse.”
In bible study I prayed that God would remove our beliefs, and our beliefs about him, and to allow the words He speaks to flow through us fresh and continuously, like how the running water in the river never gets stale, for this reason we must not hold on to beliefs. As I was thinking about this, I thought about how this may sound controversial, and how it may not be accepted by those who have traditional beliefs. If I am truly God sent, it was not because this message is better than the traditional one, but because it is just another aspect of God. If I were to truly proclaim this, it would not be a message to replace the old law, but to strengthen that from which it came out of. If I were to truly proclaim this, I would not proclaim so that it could be believed, but so that we could be freed from believing these (but one must not believe in this, that they should be freed from beliefs; therefore one should not believe in this, so that they should be free from beliefs; but one must also not believe in this, (so)/that they should be freed from beliefs…… [is this like pushing against the waves of the mind?]).
These thoughts are as valuable as all the other thoughts, I assume… since I have not yet reached the end of my journey, I don’t believe. These thoughts are nothing but entertainment, fictional writing, justifying my beliefs and my behavior. Do not listen to the words I speak, let the inexistent calm your bewildered mind, until you become one with it once again.
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