November 22, 2010

4 a.m.

The typical worries of mankind are scratching around inside my head. I bet it’s all the television I have been watching, my mind responds and imitates those people I see… I need to stop watching television if I ever hope to clear my mind; stop reading books, talking and listening to people.  What I need is to look at a rock forever... until I figure out what is going on?  If any inanimate object will do, I’ll choose this couch!

Me: “Hey Mr. Couch, how long have you been sitting in that spot for? I bet forever, don’t you ever get tired of it?”  *I bet that couch thinks I am crazy for asking such stupid questions.

Mr. Couch: Stupid biased humans. Just because they cannot stay in one spot for not even a day, they think that everything that is stationary must be in pain.

November 21, 2010

Sacrificial mode

           

The way to obtain what you desire is to give up your desire for it:

Understanding the dynamics of this:

When you get an idea of what you desire, you are rejecting what you now have, and you wish to deny it as truth.

Beware: one cannot just give up their desire by not thinking about it, (I tried this last week when I wasn thinking about getting some intimacy with a friend).  Even if I stopped thinking about it, the desire was still there, except hidden; and I bet it was still indirectly reflected in my behavior and thoughts, etc…  I know the desire was still there because when the subject came up again I would think about her the same way, I did.

To give up your desire, you must look beyond your ideal, and prefer the Unknown God over it, so that it makes your ideal meaningless.

This works because not only have you stopped denying the truth of the present, and not only have you opened the doors to events that are necessary for the ideal to be manifested (events such as the present); but you see the world more as it is and you realize that everything is perfect.  Whatever your ideal is, if externally manifested or not, your ideal will always exist; and not in a far away fantasy sense, but, though behind the curtains of fate, within the present world.

How this connects with the rest… what will one ultimately focus on when they give up all of their desires?

So this concept of sacrifice seems to end up in the right place… but where did it start? And can it be trusted?

November 18, 2010

I feel like my future is reaching for me, the dawn of a new day, and by new I mean a new type of day: the fulfillment of my every desire.

These are two ways in which one can receive blessings: through blindness (serendipity) and through understanding the means.  I would assume understanding would be better then blindly, but blindness has its beauties…

It seems like each style has its own dynamics: As one is aware of what is behind the curtains, or as one sacrifices to chance without keeping record.  Or maybe! Serendipity is just a sensation one can also control, just like the knowing.

November 17, 2010

Reading on Tantra I compare my steps.  I think about them in terms of tantric methods, and realize that God has a plan for me; or at least provided me with the “meaningful life” that I had always asked him for.

In my mind there are many visualizations of the universe which can certainly be used as methods to strengthen, change, or discipline the spirit to increase the awe in everyday life.  Just right now I felt how every little action each one does changes completely the fate of the universe from the great strangeness that it might have turned out to be.

      To make the spirit invisible, rid of responsibility, untouchable by this world’ how every little action affects, the universe in other’s eyes, that the existence of the human being as  we know it depends on the smallest details of their actions and yet, that is not his essence, he is free from judgment. 

      In my mind there come dreams and fantasies of greater awe, emotions that are reserved for novels, music and other works; these deep feelings are the essence of musical enjoyment.  These emotions come as part of our own world as I visualize the many aspects of this universe.  I get this all the time, ways, paths to make our greatest dreams, those dreams deep inside our soul.  Those dreams that we have given up on, because to us they seem unattainable, in our culture, they seem unattainable to the point that they seem  illogical; illogical to the point that they seem ungraspable; ungraspable to the point that we cannot even visualize; unable to visualize to the point that we don’t even  think they exist; inexistent to the point that they seem meaningless; meaningless to the point that they seem silly; silly to the point that they seem immature; immature to the point that they seem like a regress; regress to the point that they seem evil to even think of them… and that’s where all the flavor of life has gone.

      But I have these all the time.  They are too common to me, poetry that would bring these back to life.  But I do not write them down because I am in search of something greater than these methods.

      Because not matter what dream we achieve, in time it becomes the insipid wind each one of us tastes today.

      This element that I search for not only allows us to reach our hidden dreams but will reveal the dreams within our present state and within the time we once considered wasted years; it will reveal the dreams within the actions we once considered a waste of time; it will reveal the intentions that we considered a waste of action; reveal life within those entities that spurred death, decay, failure, meaninglessness, inaction, pointless idleness.  It will reveal the light within the thickest darkness.

The trick is not to despise desire, but if trying to do anything to seek a greater world beyond this desire.  Even if the interpretation provides happiness or a sort of satisfaction it is only a conditional universe, as corruptible as those dreams that force hell upon souls.

Desire- Present reinforcing the bonds that pull one apart and recognizing the system as whole in its paralysis (is this bad?).

Paralysis: indecisiveness due to conflicting desires.

November 16, 2010

When the blind lead the blind, they usually don’t get anywhere.

Cant get it by changing task, that’s why I still procrastinate. It has nothing to do with what task I am doing, but how I see it.

Things that come to mind:

Satisfying my desires, (completely acceptable) Sacrifice unnecessary, so how do I achieve this? By visualizing into reality? Visualizing what? A desired effect (that will ultimately end in disatisfaction)? Or a truth? Why does desired effect end in dissatisfaction? It’s the mind that must be exercised not the effect.

Seriously, from one second to another I forgot things and I remember something new depending on what is in front of my eyes.  I wish I would understand that there is an outside world, beside what I see and feel.  I understood this once, for less than a minute; my pain was not mine, but it belonged to my body.  But let’s not anoint this perspective.

Again: combination of imagination and reality with the “background” (judgments?) of: whatever it is I desire, or of “God” (If it is possible).

List of methods to be examined:

·         What happened to paying attention?

·         Value-in what you think of failure.

·         Present imagination

·         God-Present (Faith in access)

·         Desire-Present (access limited to desire, but limit is desired)

·         Snapping out

How do any of these allow one to reach the max point? – max out point could be judgmentless: Its not external world, but senses; it’s not sense, but sensation; not sensation but imagination; not imagination, but chance ghosts; not chance ghosts, but eternity divided; not eternity divided, but eternity as it is.

How do I conceive of this progression? What brought it? Is progression an illusion?

How I arrive to, or assume these conclusions:

I pay attention to my desires, the faith I have in myself, the possibilities  I can picture for myself.

I observe the limits, I become dissatisfied, I figure out what it means, (how to get rid of suchsituatin?) how to either get rid of, or accept, but in all to become aligned, instead of being in indefinite suspense about my reality. Or if I am supposed to remain in suspense? Basically, I am looking for solid ground to justify my life and actions with.  But I realize that what once seems solid is most likely not eternal, so how do I end my search?  How do I justify the end of my search?

I spend a good deal of time trying to understand the world as cursed and sinful, I think becuae I am afraid of being unknowingly wrong.

I think of ascendance in terms of:

·         Striving for something I desire

·         Freedom from desire

·         Being harmonized with my fate

·         Seeing eternal incorruptible beauty

Being wrong – Judge others with what I judge myself with. Self-imposed limits, that represent death of possibility.  Although its possible to “avoid” those limits and get what you “desire” it is an unnecessary act, it is impure (Desire-Present). Unnecessary pain is unnecessary; unnecessary act is at least pleasant.  And is desired, desire is unnecessary? This breaks my heart.  Broken heart is a desired act yes it is (for now).

Is God-Present and Infinite-Present and Truth unnecessary act? Is paying attention an unnecessary act?