I do not remember clearly, but yesterday I envisioned 3 elements that I need to combine. The clarity started coming to me when I told Anastasia that one of my obstacles was forgetting. A second one I thought of at midnight, was concerned about what I am leaving behind; concerned of me staying blind in the eyes of the blind in society. Thought this second worry is not really an obstacle, though whatever produced it is the obstacle. And the producer is doubt, fear of letting go, inability to sacrifice, valuing the corruptible.
Again this concept is old news. And therefore is something that I keep forgetting, something I must implant not in every object of the external world, not in my eye (so that I see it everywhere I look), but in my soul, which is deeper than the elements that compose the present. How do I do this?
Still the obstacle that keeps me is forgetting, to remember. I simply must hold. Practice not endurance from pain, but peace with it. There are moments when I envision the better world, these take my breath away. But they are always at a distance and therefore, these too I must insert the present. (maybe all else that I am into the present, a wholesome character so that I lack nothing in the present).
Another concept is to look inside the cage for freedom. Another one is of the essential: Love what you see and how much you see, Love what you are…..
Another is to insert the vision into the present don’t just imagine, observe the present.
Goal though: how to expand awareness:
How? There is focusing and distraction, but focusing is not necessarily expanding awareness, how does one grow? By COMBINING; combining elements create such and such. This feels like the answer…
But in the end, I feel this may be illegitimate, because this is a product of my goal.
I think that a true solution would be a product of itself. It must be something like faith… but I don’t understand it yet, not enough to declare.
So the problem that arises as I do my latest exercise is that, though I am suppose to be aware of the present, I exclude my thoughts from “the present” because, of course, the are a distraction from it, but I have written before that “thoughts do not need to be distraction tools, and thus, out of the present,” just like a present object can be a distraction from breathing. It’s all about including things into the totality of reality.
For some reason I am going about this in a much slower manner than I think I should be, my obstacle, again… is forgetting.
Focus on breathing… there are no distractions… doesn’t this imply ignorance? Ignorance is what you do unintentionally. When one ignores the fact that they are ignoring… distractions.
“Everything I want is here, bring it here.” If I could connect my desire input into presentness, and vice versa, so what I want is real and here, and what is real and here is what I want. Though this I thought, I fear that it may lack comprehensiveness of infinity, but Behold! Desire for infinity will input infinity into the present. But I fear, that the input is limited by my desire... well then, Behold! Your desire for things outside of your desire is already manifested, and therefore your present state of suck.
How many times must I forget that the world is perfect as it is? If only I could remember. Or is it my desire to forget that causes it? Can I not be aware of my desire to be raped without consenting to rape? I believe it is possible. But my desires are not in line. I have too many, and they contradict; and nothing about them all that says, that names or brands this pattern, this piece this work of art, as a masterpiece, as it is. I am lost within my labyrinth; I therefore cannot behold, and be grateful for its structure. Or is it that I have forgotten the the world is perfect? Maybe it just needs MY stamp of approval, it needs ME to brand it, Me to name it. This masterpiece is called “within the labyrinth”, and thou shall love it for what it is. Still, this is no happy ending, because I have taken back my hand, I have not approved, it seems too easy, and I have forgotten why it shouldn’t matter that it is too easy.
- Continuous stamp of approval? (Desiring all that is present.)
- Forgetting to let go, because I can’t manage to let go of what is forgotten.
- Every inspiration I imagine is always at a distance, detached, it is never present.
(present all that is desired)
PART II
Worlds pressuring its laws on me by… this force that… this force that creates worlds. Where do these worlds come from? What dictates their rule? What “makes” their force? I must answer these questions to finally let go of the problem, to get rid of the worlds that they create.
But could it be that all these questions are just another world?
Every time I ask a question is because I have forgotten that the answer does not matter.
On my way to class I characterized the continuous cycle of question/answer…
“but… oh! But… oh! But… oh!!”
All these question are a distraction, this question that I am trying to answer right now with this statement is also a distraction. Because the answer does not lie in the question, it lies in Clarity. The question is unnecessary, but those who want to ask will always find questions to ask… but why this confusion? … exactly.
This does not mean that question need not be answered, the question is unnecessary, but if it’s asked, then it begs for an answer. Do not insist on their possibility of an answer. I want to ask a question right now, I am distracted, the solution lies not in asking the question but in seeking the answer. Why this confusion? Confusion is a distraction from what you yourself are doing.
Though I have an answer, I still hesitate to seek clarity because… I feel it may be artificial peace that distr4acts me from the answer. But isn’t peace what the answer is composed of, the reason one looks for answers? Peace and solution, I think I am just being insistent on the non-existence of the answers, by not looking for the answer because I think it’s impossible.
If this is all true, I still want to consider what Michael Bell told me he read about 3 forms of God; in the first, second and third person. I would have accomplished the third and the first… I don’t know about the second.
What is this element that allows me to find answers? Is it faith, then? Is it hope? What is clarity? And why does it answer questions? It seems to answer questions not by addressing it but by disaddressing it. It gives me a reason to let go of the question. As if there was no question/answer system; questions do not get answered and answers are also independent. I am thinking about expanding awareness. I want to, but I feel guilty as I think about beliefs that I am not aware of. I feel I shouldn’t think of stuff that I don’t know to be real, as in the past, the future, whats behind these walls. But even if I don’t think abuot them, I still believe them…
Come Clarity.
