June 5, 2010

If only, if only; if only I had such and such I would still find something else to not be satisfied.  Satisfaction is not in any corruptible thing; satisfaction is here and now, here and now your fantasies are being realized.

Meaning of life: one of the other things that I wrote over winter break that I lost the paper but I kind of remember is, to mean everything you do.  You must mean everything you do, when you are walking, walk like you mean it, if you are everconfused, be confused like you mean it, get deppressed like you mean it, do things against your will like you mean it regret your actions like you mean it, dont mean your actions like you mean it. Every moment of your life, no matter whaat it is, mean it.  And when you manage to mean every infinitely small moment of your life, you will experience the full fledged meaning of life.

I wrote this over winter break as jibberish, and as a pun about “meaning” of life.  But now I realize that it is what I am trying to achieve.  As I try to “pay attention” everything that goes on in this world feels like its part of me, like I am trying to admit it, I am trying to admit the Truth, unlike when I am trying to deny it.

Worst than not knowing, is not knowing that you dont know.

Living by grace.

Mankind has an unsatisfiable desire, it can only be satisfied with something Infinite.

Paying attention vs. Realizing Truth

So far its in realizing that you are alive, and realizing that there are greater matters in life, I guess I used to practiced seeing how lower matters didnt matter.  But what did I mean by, looking up at the sky? (I remember writing, “stop being a pig and look at the sky”). What did I see in the sky?  What did it mean to me?  Right now it just looks like a wall, I think, I mean, thats wat I feel when I see it.  I guess to see behind this wall, I must be able to “pay attention” to it, or to the part of me that says that its more than just a wall (its a Great fucking wall).

Our bodies, or even more comprehensively, existence in this realm was meant for us to realize this.  Because whereever you see one, you can always see “other”, and whereever you see great, you can always see greater, and God is the “greatest” so that we always have hope for something greater, even if we never reach, complete God.  And now I remember why I was feeling free that nigth I Nina made me cry, it was because I realized that even if I was condemned to hell, God would still Be, and that is all that actually matters, even if not to me.  God can do whatever he want, no matter how “evil” he may seem, however he creates us is Glory.  Even if He doesnt create us, His existence is still Glory; even if He doesnt exist, THIS IS the Glorious. God the paradox, It will Always be.  He is everywhere and in every imaginable realm.

Its not about getting rid of your problems, its about getting rid of thinking its a big deal.

June 3, 2010

Yesterday I was listening to “Sonny” by New Found Glory, an thinking about how I yearned to become one with God, to become one with Truth and Beauty.  My goal in life is to be completely alive.  Amen, to become one with this being, one with my true Love. 

And thinking about it in this way, I also allowed myself to reduce the concept to a more mudane love story of two lovers who are looking to do more for each other than live for the other.  They are so desperately in love with each other, and such dreaming spirits that they reach to become each other. 

They spend time with each other and when they are not with each other, they think about each other.  The love does not fade, but grows instead.  It grows stronger every day so that they must look for more ways to live.  Because of this they find ways to be with each other without actually being there, they are in each others dreams, and soon they learn supernatural ways of being with one another.  Out of their yearning they get a taste of their new goal, to be each other, or out of a dream, or vision, or message.  They live their love life in supernatural levels.  They are so happy together.  After a chain of visions they decide to move forward and take the step into another world, where challenges will be presented to test their seemingly perfect love.  If the problems that they had in this world seemed bad, they would come to unimaginable challenges in this other world.  While they are gone, there is a light element in their home, anyone who goes in to look for them would feel an element that feels clear bright, undescribable, someone would not be satisfied by saying that “it feels different”, one would not feel that they would get the message accross by saying that “you have no idea”, it doesnt look different, it doesnt feel different, it doesnt sound different, or smell; but its just brighter, clearer, peaceful (not calmer).  As days go by it grows stronger, and the range increases, nobody knows what to do about it, where have they gone? Should they call the cops? Is it really botehring them? nobody knows what it is or how its affecting them or if its even affecting them.  years go by and the element has increased dramatically, it never fades, though no one can even conceive of what it would mean for it to.

The world they have travelled to is sort of a spiritual environment, where memories are stored and emotions fledged out.  In it, they go through many scenerios of understanding love.  They go thorugh the process and witness parallel universes in their past and understand why they have been able to love each other  this far.They understand each other and themselves in new levels.  They go through timeless experiences so its like they have been with each other even before they were conceived.

When they become one person, the universe is immersed in this light essence that can never go away, the universed has been changed forever, though no one is sure how (could be the typical movement of fate).  This is what one considers to be a complete human being, satisfied with oneself, with new and greater strengths.  They have reached their goal, and they are now the light element that was once only portrayed in an indirect way.

Looking back at who it was before, they wonder... 

among others, it loves itself fully; it sees the world differently, it feels complete.  The reasons why it has obtained new strengths is because of how it sees the world.

Thinking of all the things that it thought it would lose by becoming one person.

It is admired by others, but not infatually admired, but as others see it, they hope to one day, reach what “they” have reached.

It now inspires as it lives, it loves for love, for the sake of itself.  It trusts itself and it does not make itself jealous.

In the second part of the story, it meets new challenges in the spiritual world.  And they meet the same challenges to be at peace with Life (what they have missed).

Others that have witnessed this wonder strive for the same goal, and with the light element everybody reaches this goal until its the norm to reach this goal.  (The story does not reveal it yet, but this complete person is just like anyone else.) To show this, there is a third part to the story which is about one partner who’s partner dies before their consummation.  As everyone else is happily being joined, this one is left alone, and looks for no other.  Something strange happened in them that the mind of one went into the other’s body, and what was left was eliminated, so that they mind of the lover will now live in the body of the loved.  Which he/she feels a sense of satisfaction in a strange way.  Though this person is not complete; it finds out that, in spirit, the mind of it’s lover still dwells in the body, and that the body is changing according to both.  So in another sense of world the same is hapening but the other way around... only in spirit.

Yesterday I was listening to “Sonny” by New Found Glory, an thinking about how I yearned to become one with God, to become one with Truth and Beauty.  My goal in life is to be completely alive.  Amen, to become one with this being, one with my true Love. 

And thinking about it in this way, I also allowed myself to reduce the concept to a more mudane love story of two lovers who are looking to do more for each other than live for the other.  They are so desperately in love with each other, and such dreaming spirits that they reach to become each other. 

They spend time with each other and when they are not with each other, they think about each other.  The love does not fade, but grows instead.  It grows stronger every day so that they must look for more ways to live.  Because of this they find ways to be with each other without actually being there, they are in each others dreams, and soon they learn supernatural ways of being with one another.  Out of their yearning they get a taste of their new goal, to be each other, or out of a dream, or vision, or message.  They live their love life in supernatural levels.  They are so happy together.  After a chain of visions they decide to move forward and take the step into another world, where challenges will be presented to test their seemingly perfect love.  If the problems that they had in this world seemed bad, they would come to unimaginable challenges in this other world.  While they are gone, there is a light element in their home, anyone who goes in to look for them would feel an element that feels clear bright, undescribable, someone would not be satisfied by saying that “it feels different”, one would not feel that they would get the message accross by saying that “you have no idea”, it doesnt look different, it doesnt feel different, it doesnt sound different, or smell; but its just brighter, clearer, peaceful (not calmer).  As days go by it grows stronger, and the range increases, nobody knows what to do about it, where have they gone? Should they call the cops? Is it really botehring them? nobody knows what it is or how its affecting them or if its even affecting them.  years go by and the element has increased dramatically, it never fades, though no one can even conceive of what it would mean for it to.

The world they have travelled to is sort of a spiritual environment, where memories are stored and emotions fledged out.  In it, they go through many scenerios of understanding love.  They go thorugh the process and witness parallel universes in their past and understand why they have been able to love each other  this far.They understand each other and themselves in new levels.  They go through timeless experiences so its like they have been with each other even before they were conceived.

When they become one person, the universe is immersed in this light essence that can never go away, the universed has been changed forever, though no one is sure how (could be the typical movement of fate).  This is what one considers to be a complete human being, satisfied with oneself, with new and greater strengths.  They have reached their goal, and they are now the light element that was once only portrayed in an indirect way.

Looking back at who it was before, they wonder... 

among others, it loves itself fully; it sees the world differently, it feels complete.  The reasons why it has obtained new strengths is because of how it sees the world.

Thinking of all the things that it thought it would lose by becoming one person.

It is admired by others, but not infatually admired, but as others see it, they hope to one day, reach what “they” have reached.

It now inspires as it lives, it loves for love, for the sake of itself.  It trusts itself and it does not make itself jealous.

In the second part of the story, it meets new challenges in the spiritual world.  And they meet the same challenges to be at peace with Life (what they have missed).

Others that have witnessed this wonder strive for the same goal, and with the light element everybody reaches this goal until its the norm to reach this goal.  (The story does not reveal it yet, but this complete person is just like anyone else.) To show this, there is a third part to the story which is about one partner who’s partner dies before their consummation.  As everyone else is happily being joined, this one is left alone, and looks for no other.  Something strange happened in them that the mind of one went into the other’s body, and what was left was eliminated, so that they mind of the lover will now live in the body of the loved.  Which he/she feels a sense of satisfaction in a strange way.  Though this person is not complete; it finds out that, in spirit, the mind of it’s lover still dwells in the body, and that the body is changing according to both.  So in another sense of world the same is hapening but the other way around... only in spirit.

June 1, 2010

Thinking of how the sonngs in my mp3 are chosen randomly, I remember Tom Davis saying that there is nothing random; a statement that resembles what I wrote a couple of days ago about how if subject (a) misunderstands a person or an artist, subject (a) does not know the person or the artist, as they do not know what they really meant, but subject (a) knows a make believe person in place of the “true artist”.  We see and imagine a person that would have said whatever we understood, whether the person we know exists in the external world or not (whatever that means)  this person that we know exist eternally in the wonders of our mind, and in existence itself. 

Thinking about this, how there is no such thing as random; as something completely and truly random would be something without a potential artist, without a creator, without a spirit which expressed it, without a meaning.  But the fact that something exists, no matter how “random” it may seem, inevitably says that it has an arrangement, a spirit that correlates in it, it has life, it has meaning, its own grounds in which it should be understood.  As Thoreau says “there is nothing inorganic”, or in this sense, there is nothing random, there is nothing without Spirit, without Life.  Everything is part of Reality; Everything indeed does and breeds Existence.  And in a more practical sense:  Everything is Beauutiful, and there is nothing that is unworthy of being acknowledged, because everything is Truth... The meaning of Life is to Live, or to acknowledge the Truth (it doesnt matter how many times I say this, each time I understand that I have not quite understood it).  But though I may not know what it means, I know for sure that I speak the Truth.

With this on my mind I am able to listen and appreciate each chord in the song, and feel its meaning (at least a little more than I was doing before).

As long as God exists, mankind will never do anything that has never been done before,  God is the Eternal Creator of all Origins, Amen.

A simple rule, enjoy what you have, your fantasies and sensations, your desires, pay attention to thhem and savor them.  But you must step out and look at it from the outside to see that its an object you can grab.  And think of all that exists in this way, that it something that I must look at and enjoy, I make the effort to look at it from “the outside”, it feels as if I am stepping out and looking at where I was, and it looks more clear when you see that your red colored glasses are red colored glasses, another wonder a device of existence.  I am feeling things that have been there forever, but i never knew they were there, like the roses that i never stopped to actually look at, there is so much that i am running through, even my running throughness, without living it.