January 13, 2010

This is what I search for, why I think so much, why I always insist in knowing a reason before I do something, insist on knowing the whole backround of whatever it is that I am participating in.  The reason I must know why and how its done its so that I could find what I am missing.  I cant always depend on luck, if I find something thats good, I want to figure out what made the situation good, so that I can stay in that state.  For instance, someone tells me that I have to be careful when I walk, because there are killer monkeys around that steal people’s dignity.  If that person would not have told me, I would have probably not have been careful, and therefore lost my dignity.  But I cant and should not walways depend on third partied to tell me about killer monkeys, so I change my lifestyle so that I always pay attention to possible killer monkeys.  But being careful about killer monkeys is no good if there are black holes that swallow you whole, you cant just pay attention to killer monkeys, you must pay attention to any kind of danger.  The person told me to beware of minkeys because he thought it was something I didnt want.  Something I dont want is a danger, I dont just pay attention to monkeys I pay attention to dangers.  So how would I change my lifestyle so that I always be careful of what I do, so that no kind of danger gets to touch me?  I would have to consider those things that are important to me, and consider all the ways that they can be taken away and protect.  So when I see that my dignity is important, I consider maybe monkeys, how they would be and what they would do.  So that now I dont need the guy to tell me about the monkeys, because I already considered them.

Bad confusing example,  here is another one.  I read a story about a boy who is trapped in a well, and he dies there.  If he would have looked around a little he would have found the exit.  No, nevermind, I am trapped in a well for days, until a guy comes and sees me and tells me I am ridiculous because I havent found the obvious exit.  He shows me the exit, and I learn something.  I could learn something basic and simple, but narrow:  whenever I am trapped in a well, look for an obvious way out.  Or I could learn a more comprehensive, and general lesson, not just a rule, but a  way of life:  Whenever I am trapped and I feel like I am stuck forever, the exit may be most obvious.  And so if I had this lifestyle in the well, I wouldnt need the guy to come and tell me, but I would look for an exit myself and think nothing of the incident.  So now I have this way of life, to look for an exit when I am trapped. 

By using this I learned to always ask what if, because somethings can only be figured out by asking what if.  I find myself asking, how the hell would I have ever thought of that?  (this is the important question that you need to ask so that you do not depend on others or chance).  And the only answer I am able to come up with is, well I guess I would just have to use my imagination and ask “what if” as much as possible.  (I bet its not the only way, but the only way I can find).

So here is a what if for the well situation.  If I am trapped, I should not give up hope and think I am there forever, but must find an exit, sometimes it is obvious.  What if I am trapped but i dont know it, should I look for an exit?  Well if I am trapped but do not know it then the exit would not look like an exit.  If I am trapped, do I want to escape? Well if I am not satisfied with the well, why should I stay.  The if I think there is no exit, then that means that the exit probably doesnt look like one.  So how the hell do I find it?  I guess I just have to use my imagination, once again.

But we have drifted away from the point.  If I want cake, I dont just want someone to give it to me, I want to know how they got it so that later I can do the same.  Even if they tell you how to get a cake.  Are you always going to wait for someone to tell you how to get something you want?  If I want something, I dont just want someone to tell me how to get it, but I want to know how I should have already known.  So when I get something by luck, I dont just say, “Hey! Lucky me”, but I try to understand why and how I got lucky, what actually happened; so that I can keep doing the things that made me “lucky”.

I feel like its hard for me to make the point, but maybe its just because its that simple.  Or maybe what I am trying to say is a speck that goes deeper than what I have said.

I think I am trying to answer why I ask why I have to do certain things and I am not satisfied when people say, “just trust me and do it.”  Its because he is considering something that I am not, and I want to know what aspect of life I am failing to consider.

Another possible point that I am trying to make is we never know what may bring what, or what may let us free.  But we are always taking risks.  We can learn a more comprehensive rule if we anologize things, and generalize the things that happen in our everyday lives, if we find more meaning in them.

And so I think of friends, and how sometimes they have problems, but I must still accept them, even though they have problems.  If we didnt accept people with problems, we would have no friends. 

I figure out how to get a girlfriend, but I ask myself:  “if I wasnt so good looking, how would I do it?”  I pretend that I am not good looking, and develop a sense of humor.  But then, if I didnt have looks or a sense of humor, how would I do it?  Because I have learned before that sometime the answer is an unexpected one, I find myself using my imagination, without hesitation, disregarding the risks, I find that making faces at people will get me a girlfriend.

I think the point that I am trying to make is that it is important that we do random things, and that we ask ourselves, “how would have I come up with that?”, to conclude that it is important for us to do random things... why its the root of creativity, and originality.  The importance in learning new, in exploring, the importance of taking risks and doing things that you dont know what you are doing because soon you will understand.

So when I consider how I would come up with something, I think, “What is it that I should have been concerned about? What things should I have been thinking? Looking for? Etc.... ”, basically, how would this idea come naturally to me? (as it would be in my way of life to keep an eye open for these things)  what perspective of life would I need to have? To come up with such a thing?  What kinds of things would I have to value? What things would I be paying attention to?... What state of mind would I need?  What kind of person would I be, for these things to come naturally, and easy to me?  and when I see that those things that I thought about would have given me the solution, I cherish those discoveries, because they may be useful somewhere else.And so thats how I work (or try to) then when I see something, I ask myself, what kind of person would I need to be to achieve these things?

And so I ask myself, what kind of person would I have to be to be original? To be expressive? To be authentic? To expose the truth? To be wonderful? To be amazing and glorious?   So that everybody can relate to? What kinds of things would I be concerned about?  What kinds of things would I value? To take risks?  to talk to angels? To not be afraid to use my imagination, to see things in the air?  To pay attention to the mystical without insecurity?  To stand up for myself, to not be ashamed, to be transparent?  To let everyone know the truth? What would I have to be? What would I pay attention to? What would I do in my spare time?  What would I be concerned about? What would I pray for?  What kind of state of mind would I have to be in?  When I think of such... what am I suppose to feel?  How am I suppose to feel about such?  When I see such... what is suppose to come to mind? This is my point... but I am still not satisfied, because I have not accomplished this myself.

First, I need to make a list of what I want to be... then I need to figure out how to make them come naturally to me... or figure out who or what I have to be for them to come naturally to me... or what kind of person would these things come naturally to, and then become that person.

Music style, how would I come up with that?  Consider if I had the mind that created that style, what direction and motivation would I have?  And this true empathy will guide you to the spirit of the creator.  Only like this will you understand the true spirit of the musical sound.

And could this be?  Why music speaks so deep to our soul? Because our subconscious arranges sounds according to our lifestyle and our God, our concerns... and so when we here a song we understand, we hear what keeps playing in the mind of those with these sounds.  And when we truly understand the sound we become them, them at the time of creating the expression of this inspiration, a song, is a message from my inside.  I write my songs with passion, not with guesswork, so that what you hear, is truly something I have felt, not just something I have found.

January 12, 2010

For my birthday, I drove to the the bible study by myself... I crashed before a got there, the cop heard it as I exited.  Gift from them, they let me keep the car.  They got my information, I got a ticket for driving without a license, who knows when I will get it now.

January 9, 2010

“Oh how my rampant desire, ripped from the presence of God, now hungered like a beast, for the knowledge of evil” –Cradle of Filth

And what is the knowledge of evil?  Like those who practice death and its many variations, how does death come to people?  When the symbol of their freedom is taken away, to practice evil is to make someone fall in love with the corruptible, so that when it is corrupted, so is the idea of their freedom.  Make someone fall in love with something, make it their symbol of freedom, the source of life, and rip it away from them.  This in no way makes them bound, but if they believe they are bound, they won’t try to breal the walls down, to then discover that the walls are not real.

Even in death our life is eternal, there is no death, the war is won, the foolish laws cant keep us down once theyre all gone, all along with the many objects of life.  Our mind will spread, the consciousness, it becomes all and all is one.

I watch her wave, according to her laws of manners, the reflection of the “order” of reality.

January 8, 2010

(A relevant story was removed from here… it had too many names and to many events.

all I could say from here is: Happy Birthday Tanya!)

I’ve been thinking about this but I haven’t written about it until now.  About the notions of acceptance, in instances, it seems necessary that a person, the subject that is to be openned, needs to trust, needs to have faith, so that they do not fear and reject the new.  So what gets the trust of people?  The thing that gets their trust, is their symbol to love.  Whoever and whatever they love, that is what they will be open to.  What they love is what allows them to be open, what allows them to Love, something that allows them Freedom, to keep them safe from what they fear, from what keeps them bound in chains.  What keeps them from inhibitions, this they love, this one they accept, and will accept what comes from them, as long as the symbol, in their mind, does not change the meaning that it carries.

January 5, 2010

Nature of Rejection – when there is a threat? Different forms that threats come in: unknown change.

                Red eyes, when there is anger, its hard to pinpoint what made you angry because the anger that you hold is stuck in your eyes, so that everything you see is red.  You only notice the negatives of everything, even memories.  Notice: what kind of attacks get attached to you, instead of you linking the attack with a certain person.  This explains the subject of getting angry even at people who did nothing wrong.

                The result of mind reading, and hidden messages and indirect anger that go into the subconscious crap, is the negative forces and mystical shit that are called, karma and attracting darkness and anger and what not.s

January 3, 2010

Noe’s internet passwrod:1F90ADDB61

January 1, 2010

The saints are waiting.

Love and ressurection...

Eric Berne’s setup of the ego: Parent, child, adult

The parent makes the rules, the child cries and reacts on emotions, and the adult sorts things out..  In a description between the parent and the child, I wondered abut how they both dealt with problems,negative emotions, they should be the same on my setup, but they are separated in Eric Berne’s..  I described the three: Fear, sadness, and anger.  The Parent is Anger (because its in control so tha it uses force as if to change what it is rejecting), and the child is fear and sadness (because fear and sadness cover permanence and possible permanence of the rejected object which mean it would have no control, so it is a child), what about the adult?  An interesting line in the book said “It [the adult ego] is aware, but the awareness has no emotional charge”  I guess that would be in terms of closed desire, well desires are given to the child ego, but the parent also has desires because why else would it enforce rules?  I guess I have to look into the nature of the parent and understand the control element in anger.  It would probably end up being broken up and explained into three simpler areas: anger, fear, sadness.  Or maybe broken up and being able to match up different shapes and figures, each grouping would have a different name as we associate them to different things.  Nope, sorry I misinterpreted Eric’s ego states, and I dont care to interpret and compare again, I rather read on.

“Nomilazations: concrete nouns into abstract nouns” thats why they are called abstract, because there is no matter in the world to define it, so every person is able to define in their own way, making the noun, volatile.

Thinking about how its annoying that people apologize so much at my school for no reason, for something I actually dont mind.  what if it was something I did mind?  or they think I mind so they apologize.  If I mind that means I am getting angry at something and thats not good, that means that my mind is closed in that certain area, and when they apologize they are submitting to my limitted view of the world.  So apologizing is bad, because you tell the other person that it is ok to keep their point of view of the world, because you are respecting their boundaries.  A righteous person would not need any apologies because they accept all, and they love all.   A righteous person would also apologize to no one, except to God, (they would not submit to anyone’s outline of the world, except God’s).

Uh I will right about this because it seems significant for some reason, oh right, my family just bought our first house, with the money from my little brother, I am currently now on winter break, and its pretty neat.  Just a few days ago, a friend came over and told us that some one was killed right on the bushes of the entrance of the apartments where we used to live.  We went there last night to get the stray mail, I saw they had candles and stuff it looked really nice where he died.  My mom says Montclair is going down, and God got us out of there just in time.

Living in  the present: or participating in a complete activity, because you are not concerned about doing things right or wrong, because right or wrong is only judged by an end to the means.  I stared at the girl from church, not because I wanted to get her attention, not to flirt with her, (I was trying like hell to not be concerned about my fantasies with this stranger), but I did so only because she was pretty, and I wanted to look at her.

Im thinking about a situation that makes me feel bad, I want to understand it so that I dont fear it, and so I dont feel bad about it.  I try to understand that it means nothing, someone yelling at me because they are mad.  But its not working, I still feel bad.  I tell myself that everything is okay, that people get angry all the time for no reason, that its okay.  But I still dont feel good, even though and understand all these things.   The way it went away was when I thought about the effects, then when I thought about the effects and told myself it was okay, and it was gone.  I guess I was okay about the situation, but I was concerned about the future, not living in the present?  So now I want to think about everything that worries me and everything I want to do, and tell myself how its ok.  But I want to keep reading this.

                Now you shouldnt have negative feeling towards others, but if you do, it is better to confess them as soon as possible.  Because when you hold them in, you begin to get artistic and express it by, my goodness, the tv is so loud I cant concentrate.  I dont think I should tell my dad to turn it down, but I dont feel anything against him so I have a choice.

               

A thing that I must keep in mind is that everything I do is wrong (so that I wont think people are ridiculous for judging me, if I think that they are ridiculous, then I am being ridiculous for judging).  But I am not wrong in a way that I should oppress myself and do nothing for the sake of others, but I am wrong in the sense that everything I do has a possibility for being judged, that people are able to say something bad about everything I do, and I should learn to be ok with that, just learn to live with it.

                Now my niece told me I was ugly, so I laughed mockingly.  Then after a while of thinking about it, I felt bad.  I know I wasnt suppose to.  I begin to think I felt bad because I thought I was ugly, I try to tel myself that nothing was wrong, but I was concerned about something, there was something that I wanted to take care of, what was it?  I admitted to myself that according to my beliefs and values, something was indeed wrong, whats wrong was that my niece saw that I was ugly, but the problem is not me being ugly, but it is her seeing ugly.  (Out of this introspection we can see how sometimes we can get a certain emotion, we get it because our beliefs tells us something is wrong.  But that hunch that we get can lead us to the wrong picture of what it is that is wrong.  When I felt bad, I felt like I was stupid, like if I had done many things wrong, how can I not be concerned about my looks, then I started to think about how maybe my brother told her to tell me that.  I begin to associate this negative emotion with all these objects, giving the objects the possibility of haunting me later on with the same emotion.  Even though I had an emotion that something was wrong, I still needed to bring it to my conscious mind what belief of mine was being trespassed, then admit to myself that it really wasn’t a problem.  If the real problem is remain disguised, then it is harder to know what things to study or what example to think about to contradict the fact that the object is a problem.  Only until something gives you the cue that there is no problem from trespassing the actual law that was trespassed, only then will you feel okay again about your looks).

               

I was squeezing a lemon and I noticed that my teeth clenched up.  I received it as a bad sign, was I angry at the lemon?  Maybe its because I want the lemon juice out of the lemon, why else would I hate the lemon?  Maybe if I try to enjoy squeezing the lemon I wont feel bad anymore, not wanting something from the lemon, but just squeezing it for the sake of it.  I tried it, and it felt more... soupy?

I was reading on conflict skills and negotiation, and realized that the essence of negotiating is to realize that things are never set, that even though there is commercial, and standardized test, masses and strict rules by government or by machines, that the world is not as strict as a video game.  That in real life, people is what controls everything, and you can go and ask people for help, and sympathy.  Like my writing on community.  Everything was made and decided by people, the given rules are not eternal laws, and reasonable people understand this to the point of giving in to opposition, anyone.  I guess this is hard to understand because of video games, there is no room for negotiation or sympathy in video games.  Anyways, so as stated in “community”, I can ask for help in getting my interests, and ther is sure to be someone out there with the same interests, and there goes help.  About reality, it reminds us that our Reality is not strict, either, as if boxed in, like we tend to imagine it everytime we do.  But we must keep in mind, in order to have harmony with this idea, that anything is possible.  And when anything is possible, how can one ever be locked up in one possibility?