“The more depressed you are, the less people care about you. The more depressed you are the less people care about you, the more depressed you are the less people care about you. The more depressed you are the less people care about you. The morer depressed you are the less people care about you. The more depressed you are. The less people care about you the more depressed you are, the less people care about you.” It is getting too strong, I should go somewhere private to hide my agony…
“A truth I have found to be consistent… People don’t like you unless you are already happy, if you fall on the ground, you will just get trampled; if you try to stand up, you will just trample yourself.”
The walls of my room are not thick enough to keep my cries from being heard. I run down to the basement.
“Sometimes people pretend to care, but don’t let them know what you are truly feeling inside… do not dare open yourself up to them. Sometimes they even dare to believe that they want to know you better, sometimes they think that they want you to open up… “
Maybe someone will hear me from down here, and come to console me.
“Why do you insist on lying to yourself? Have not you realized? Do not trust anyone, everyone is human, everyone is wrong, no one is trustworthy, no one.”
I bang my head against the bed, and I writhe in fear of whoever may come pretending to care; but only hiding their disgust towards me.
“Pain is upstairs, pain is upstairs. I need love, unconditional love. Not this love, with hidden hate.”
”How could I have fooled myself to think there was actually someone here I could trust? I’ve wanted to get married since I was 6 for emotional security, but marriage will not solve this… Not human love, not even a mother’s love.”
“Pain is upstairs, don’t you dare go there for consolation. Don’t you dare go up there in search of hope; to make amends… there is always hidden hate, no matter how happy they appear to be on the outside, there is always hate stored up inside of them, reserved for the right moments. Pain is upstairs; pain is upstairs… remember this. Unconditional pain…”
My nasal passages stuffed up from sobbing… I can hardly breathe through them.
Would not it be painful to suffocate hopelessly? Good thing I’m not in that much pain…
I’m just confused… even if I am not wrong.
I am in pain, and that’s why I am no better.
After my sobbing has died, I lay on the bed. A deep breath relieves me from the last of my grief. Tears flow out of my eyes; residue from the storm. I compare myself to my archetype: “Should there be tears on my eyes right now?”… I realize, that I am perfect just the way I am.
“Though I was dying inside for someone to do that, I just didn’t expect it, so I wasn't ready to accept it.” All this time I have been focusing on accepting the pain; I’m glad to know I have this other problem.
(This isn’t the first time I’ve “learned” this, my fear of emotional pain makes me prone to it.)
This morning: The reason why people eat too much is because they crave something other than the food they are eating… they crave the experience. But as they eat, they forget to cherish the moment because they are so anxious to get it down their throat to subside the craving. Kind of like Patrick in that SpongeBob episode: Patrick has a candy, and he eats it, then he wonders where it went. He gets angry and blames SpongeBob for stealing it, he wants it back. Well people are like this in real life, except they buy another candy, they take another bite, they eat another chip.
So this morning I ate a slice of wheat bread, and I tried to savor it. I tried to lick off the wheat shavings on the top crust; they were pretty stuck on there. I broke it apart and observed how slowly it tore. I looked at all the freckles, and the specks, and the consistency; I made sure I knew what I was going inside my body, soon to be a part of me. I felt how softly it tore apart as my teeth sank into it, how it moved out of the way as my molars locked together. Then it became wet with saliva, and it was a whole new substance.
I bit another piece off: the crunch that it had from being half toasted felt like a million performances… a million stories from a million miniscule and evanescent lives. Then I thought about the rest of the process… it’s a whole epic. Then sensation it makes in me… a whole lifetime of a universe. How it affects my day… an eternity. The difference it makes in my life… beyond divine.
The world is so big, and so full of life. There is a universe in every speck of dust, and an eternity in every nanosecond. There is so much to see and yet we rush for the next moment.
Everything is here, the satisfaction of all my desires, my love fulfilled, wonders of honor and courage, the most complex tragedies and degradations to satisfy the heart; it calls me from within the details… within the ether. It’s all here.
what an intro... it makes me think. is this really true? i would expect the opposite but then again human beings are selfish
ReplyDeleteI disagree with the premise of the "the more depressed one is, the less people care" cycle. I think it is a way to pawn off the responsibility of one's own self-esteem and personal happiness onto other people. It is not fair to rely, demand or even expect someone to love/like/want/need/care for you until you learn to love/like/want/need/care for yourself first (besides being cared for as a baby obviously). You cannot give love/care without being able to give it to yourself first.
ReplyDeleteA friend and I were just talking about this topic in terms of romantic relationships, but I think it is central in one's whole life and all the people one encounters. A healthy relationship, to me, is one that ADDS to the existing happiness/fulfillment/contentment/joie de vivre in BOTH people's lives. It is NOT a way to try to somehow complete yourself. You will never be satisfied that the other person cares for you enough and the other person will never be able to grow to their full potential in the relationship because you are using them as an emotional crutch from your own insecurities.
You need to first form a positive relationship with yourself before you can give and receive real love with another person. You must realize you love who you are, care for your own needs, and acknowledge how truly wonderful you are at certain things (for me, photography, befriending children, being honest, etc.). In other words, become your own best friend. Only then can you share the best of you with others and be able to appreciate and love who they ARE, not who you WANT them to be to fill the hole you think you have in yourself. Until then, you will always be looking for that missing piece - forgetting that you yourself are WHOLE - and meanwhile being completely blind to the beauty of who people are as they are.
Thus, you will feel less rejection because you will realize that it is YOU who is rejecting yourself and blaming others for that judgment. And people will be drawn to you for you will be confident and sure in yourself, able to give attention to them without dependence or worry. They will see that you are strong and available to have experiences together that will be positive for everyone involved.
Yes, there are people who will judge you, criticize you, disagree with you, etc. For all of us, there are those people. But do they matter in the larger context of the majority who are open and willing to share with you? No. All of us are shy, scared, and struggling with our own sense of self-esteem, but for the majority of us are trying to be the best, caring person we can JUST LIKE YOU. We are all different on the outside, but I would venture a guess that we are all concerned about many of the same things.
No one can prove to you that you are whole, you must accept it yourself. No one can fill a void you think you have until you realize it is you who is denying yourself love - from yourself and the love that others are trying to give you.