May 9, 2011

How depression affects me:

So sometimes I lay in bed and I do not want to get up because… I guess I don’t care.  It may seem like if I am lazy, or procrastinating, and it very well may be… and I think there is a correlation with these and how much one wallows in self-defeat, hate themselves, are depressed.

Sometimes I want to work out; I want to run, jump and play.  But I feel that the fun I have right now, I will soon look down on, ashamed to have done it. 

Kind of like this: imagine you were wearing a tutu over your clothes at a costume party.  During the costume party you venture off into the woods and eventually get lost.  You are all alone, in the midst of darkness you begin to doubt your survival, you become desperate, and fear is above the threshold, so that you become this creature that acts purely out of fear, despair, and survival.  You rip off your tutu and rub off your make up, not because it hinders your survival, but because it is impertinent.  “YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE!!! How can you be concerned about looking good for the party?!”  You think back on all the concerns you used to have: will I get laid tonight?  Is my friend mad at me?  Does my tutu make me look less macho?  Is it going to be cold?  Should I bring a jacket?  I hope I don’t get too smelly.  All these concerns you look down on, you can’t believe how you could have ever been so concerned about such trivialities… it’s even a disgrace how I lived in that state of mind; how concerned I was about “my honor” that I went through so much trouble to get back at that asshole.  Now nature is insulting my LIFE, threatening it; and all I can do is beg; that asshole who I once saw as “my enemy” is now a friend compared to this merciless entity.

It will be hard to relate to this if you cannot think of a situation which forced you to think like this.

Also how when the Israelites were getting raped by other nations, under siege and starved.  They threw all their gold out the door; something that they once valued over justice, they would abuse children and widows for this gold, and they held on to it tightly, greedily.  And now, their lives were on the line, and their eyes were opened to see how worthless their lives were.  Shame.

Through thoughts like these, everything I care about gets degraded.