What is the pain that motivates me to search for peace?
Every day I suffer, I undergo the pains that any other person normally goes through; above that, I expand them and spread it throughout my mind so that I fantasize pains, that normal people would disregard and ignore, in immense levels. The pain of being single or the burden of being in a relationship, the pain of not living in a sexual Utopia, of not being able to ever find a soul mate, someone who really understands; the pain due to the “normal” fear of trusting strangers, the pain of considering the possibility that my friends may betray me… I am too fat, I am lazy, I never feel good, I am getting old, I am getting stupider, I do not know what I am going to do with the rest of my life, I wish I had better friends, I wish I was more free, I wish the world was a more accepting place, I wish I was stronger and smarter… The injustices I was not able to settle, the points I was not able to make, the arguments I lost, the things I was not able to explain, the people I was not able to understand, the people I was not able to make them understand me, the friends that do not care to understand me because they think they already do, the truths I was not able to say, the confusions I was not able to straighten out… and my life is full of these, these days, primarily because I let them be; and I keep track of them, so I can have an opportunity to learn to live with them.
Every little mistake I make, I hold on to… and I dwell on it so that it becomes heavier and heavier as I bear it. Thinking that I need it somehow: to remind me that I am not perfect, not even by my own standards; then do something about it, perhaps just learn to enjoy being crushed by them.
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