April 18, 2011

Ok, so I just figured this out right now, or have been thinking about it for the last ten minutes, and have been attempting to do it all this time, because it came to me.  So I just had a dream; I am ashamed to say that just before falling asleep I was playing “runescape”, and in the dream resembled an emotion that comes from playing this.  In the dream, I felt as if I was my avatar, and I wanted out, because I was tired of running back and forth, out of mere addiction to the goals (tasks) around me.  Sometimes we get so caught up in a video game that we forget real life, the controls become so natural to us; and the game’s laws we take them to be given (laws of nature).  I feel like life is like this, I have become so accustomed to this body (or to something) that I have forgotten who I really am outside of this world.  “Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, nor has any mind conceived…” this is what the world outside this life is like, this is what the truth looks like; we can’t think about the world outside of us by thinking with the mind of this realm… anything we come up with will only be about what we come up with.  We cannot think it, but I am certainly willing it… am I not? Or is this just another “task”?

I “type up” a message that is not for anyone here to see; a message with no purpose in relation to the realm from which this language, that I am writing it in, comes.  My mind feels so convoluted, I realize I have many more songs stuck in my head than I reckon when they begin to annoy me.  I try to ignore them the best I can: this message is not for any of these, not for the purpose of any of these “tasks” (I do not move for them); I want this message to reach the control center; I do not want it to be answered with another “task and reward”, with another piece of virtual candy.  I am not requesting for this world to be updated or modified, I do not want a free upgrade or a new feature; this is not what this is about:  “I do not want to do this anymore, help…”

As I use my efforts to aim the direction in which I want my message to go… as I make sure that “help” does not mean “make me feel better in such and such way”; as I attempt to speak to nothing and for nothing of this world, the feeling I get reminds me of an eye trying to look at itself.

Still, I cannot help but think this is just another task.

I remember:

Before I left it in its place, before I decided to look away… I would not leave it unless I was sure it would stay there and that I would be able to find it again.  It must stay there; because it is necessary for it to be where it is for anything to be.  And I am able to find it again; because it just makes sense, it makes the most sense, on its own.  It just is.