April 26, 2011

I do not allow myself to be because I think that the only reason I am happy is because I am in control, it is not genuine happiness.  I tell myself, “I may be happy right now, but I wouldn’t be if… ” well, then, be satisfied with this.

                                                                                                                                               

Fighting will make the war even foggier.  Rejoice in the peace you do have.

The first step to obtaining something is to believe it is possible to obtain.  If you do not believe it is obtainable, even if you obtain it, you will not even know you have it.

God does not need us.

God does not need us to believe in Him.

God does not need us to believe in Him, for Him to exist.

God does not need us to believe in Him, for Him to exist.  Yet, all of our desires are consummated by His existence.

God does not need us to believe in Him, for Him to exist. Yet, all of our desires are consummated by His existence.  (Whether or not we believe this).

It is not necessary to find Enlightenment, but you won’t know that until you find it.

I become afraid sometimes of choosing one thing over the other.  “If I choose this, I would choose it because of my desire to indulge, If I choose the other, I would be indulging on my desire to not indulge.”  What do I?

It is not about which you do, but whether you are satisfied with your situation, and even with how you feel about it.

When making a decision, make sure you don’t seek, first be satisfied with the now.  But don’t decide this either.  To achieve it… just be happy.

That is, do not look towards the archetype, but at yourself (achieved by forgiveness of sins).

Therefore do not seek anything.  If you seek a goal, you will only see one of two things; whether it’s there or whether it’s not there.  But if you stop seeking, you will see what there is.

April 21, 2011

Conflicts in the mind = distinctive inconsistencies.  If they were not distinctive, they would not be conflicting.

April 20, 2011

The problem is not my lack of freedom, but my failure to synch my desires with my current state.  My failure to be satisfied.  When I am satisfied with my lack of freedom I feel as if what I do, I do it because it is okay.  The only way you would FEEL bound is if you were doing something you did not want… If you were “forced” to be in an unwanted situation (i.e. if you were unsatisfied).  And thus, the only reason you feel forced to be somewhere you don’t want to be, is because you are unsatisfied with your situation.  Conclusion: Doing things because you want to not because you HAVE to: (you can easily let go, if you decided to).

This is where the idea of “freedom” comes in.  By the way we feel it.  The only reason we think about “freedom” as a concept is because of this “dissatisfaction”.

I am addicted to making sense, this is what s holding me back, or slows me down, and it is so deeply engraved in living that all that I am trying to find must go through this “toll booth.”  God is too Great for me to squeeze Him through logic;  He is too great for me to make sense of.  It slows me down to make sure that all of this makes sense.

In a way, trying to make sense only points us back to disregarding it, and this is how it makes sense on its own without anything else.  This is how it makes the most sense.  Because in trying to make sense, we are already at flaw; because if we made perfect sense we would not make sense.  So trying to make sense ultimately points to its dissolution.  This is how I know that making sense is a mere addiction and not a necessary property of the Universe.  Again, the Universe is undefined, God is Infinite.

April 19, 2011

What is the pain that motivates me to search for peace?

Every day I suffer, I undergo the pains that any other person normally goes through; above that, I expand them and spread it throughout my mind so that I fantasize pains, that normal people would disregard and ignore, in immense levels.  The pain of being single or the burden of being in a relationship, the pain of not living in a sexual Utopia, of not being able to ever find a soul mate, someone who really understands; the pain due to the “normal” fear of trusting strangers, the pain of considering the possibility that my friends may betray me… I am too fat, I am lazy, I never feel good, I am getting old, I am getting stupider, I do not know what I am going to do with the rest of my life, I wish I had better friends, I wish I was more free, I wish the world was a more accepting place, I wish I was stronger and smarter… The injustices I was not able to settle, the points I was not able to make, the arguments I lost, the things I was not able to explain, the people I was not able to understand, the people I was not able to make them understand me, the friends that do not care to understand me because they think they already do, the truths I was not able to say, the confusions I was not able to straighten out… and my life is full of these, these days, primarily because I let them be; and I keep track of them, so I can have an opportunity to learn to live with them.

Every little mistake I make, I hold on to… and I dwell on it so that it becomes heavier and heavier as I bear it.  Thinking that I need it somehow: to remind me that I am not perfect, not even by my own standards; then do something about it, perhaps just learn to enjoy being crushed by them.

April 18, 2011

Ok, so I just figured this out right now, or have been thinking about it for the last ten minutes, and have been attempting to do it all this time, because it came to me.  So I just had a dream; I am ashamed to say that just before falling asleep I was playing “runescape”, and in the dream resembled an emotion that comes from playing this.  In the dream, I felt as if I was my avatar, and I wanted out, because I was tired of running back and forth, out of mere addiction to the goals (tasks) around me.  Sometimes we get so caught up in a video game that we forget real life, the controls become so natural to us; and the game’s laws we take them to be given (laws of nature).  I feel like life is like this, I have become so accustomed to this body (or to something) that I have forgotten who I really am outside of this world.  “Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, nor has any mind conceived…” this is what the world outside this life is like, this is what the truth looks like; we can’t think about the world outside of us by thinking with the mind of this realm… anything we come up with will only be about what we come up with.  We cannot think it, but I am certainly willing it… am I not? Or is this just another “task”?

I “type up” a message that is not for anyone here to see; a message with no purpose in relation to the realm from which this language, that I am writing it in, comes.  My mind feels so convoluted, I realize I have many more songs stuck in my head than I reckon when they begin to annoy me.  I try to ignore them the best I can: this message is not for any of these, not for the purpose of any of these “tasks” (I do not move for them); I want this message to reach the control center; I do not want it to be answered with another “task and reward”, with another piece of virtual candy.  I am not requesting for this world to be updated or modified, I do not want a free upgrade or a new feature; this is not what this is about:  “I do not want to do this anymore, help…”

As I use my efforts to aim the direction in which I want my message to go… as I make sure that “help” does not mean “make me feel better in such and such way”; as I attempt to speak to nothing and for nothing of this world, the feeling I get reminds me of an eye trying to look at itself.

Still, I cannot help but think this is just another task.

I remember:

Before I left it in its place, before I decided to look away… I would not leave it unless I was sure it would stay there and that I would be able to find it again.  It must stay there; because it is necessary for it to be where it is for anything to be.  And I am able to find it again; because it just makes sense, it makes the most sense, on its own.  It just is.